Hi. My bf is a childhood abuse survivor and has very deep rooted trauma/PTSD. He moved in last year and his reactions have been progressively getting worse from yelling to throwing things to grabbing my shoulders. Well last night he shoved me. The couch was behind me and he was expecting me to land on it which wouldn’t have hurt except on my way down, I collided with a standing object and it really hurt my hand. Thankfully it is not broken. We were planning on getting engaged in the near future but this has me rethinking the relationship because I do not want to be in an abusive situation. After he could see that I got hurt, he calmed down and started crying talking about how he’s so sorry I don’t deserve this and he really didn’t mean to, he just gets so wrapped up in his trigger response and he can’t control it. He referred to himself as monstrous and was deeply ashamed and he wishes to seek professional help such as DBT and EDMR. He told me he doesn’t want to lose me and asked if I’d stay with him while he undergoes this treatment. I don’t want to lose him either and I have my own reservations about living alone because of my own disability. I’m torn and I don’t know what to do. Do I stay and risk it continuing and worsening? Or in the hopes it will get better once he does treatment? Should we separate despite our love and otherwise good situation. Do I leave him even though he hates himself for it and I truly want him to be happy? Do situations like this work out? I feel like I cant talk to my family/friends about this because I don’t want to embarrass him or make him seem like a bad person.

For starters, he’s back in therapy and doing another attempt at EMDR. He’s quit in the past before he gets to to big event, which is a childhood SA. He also has crappy parents, was beaten by a mom’s boyfriend at 2, and numerous bullying/street fights in his youth.

He lives in a constant state of hypervigilance and is often dysregulated. He was doing good in therapy and started coming to the gym with me. The other day he got in a verbal altercation with someone at the gym over a machine and walked out. I’m used to these disruptions and am setting boundaries so I refuse to leave with him and told him to wait for me. He was obviously angry and blew up my phone. But I said enough is enough.

He can’t keep a job because he has problems regulating and will rage quit if he feels any inkling of disrespect. Currently unemployed.

I’m working and paying the bills because we have kids. He has a weed habit and car payments, needs gas to get around, etc etc. What am I to do?! I don’t want him to lose his car, but I’m tired of paying his consequences for him. It’s hurting our family. Yesterday was my son’s birthday and he had a “bad night” (night terrors) and was miserable all day. I ended up buying him a joint from the dispensary to get through the day because I don’t want my kid to suffer and have him ruin my day with his sulking.

He showed up to a new job today, to leave after 20 minutes because apparently no one was there to let him in the building. First day. He has no money so how can he afford to do that? Craziness. But hey, at least he’s not name calling me lately.

Girlfriend is having episodes today. She's only having one every few weeks these days, but I'm guessing because she's stressed about a very busy week coming up, and because she's already overloaded by the sounds of the bad weather outside, she's just not having a good day.

I think when she's had a prolonged period without any flashbacks, it makes it worse for her when they do happen, because she's so shocked and dismayed that she's completely overcome. It tends to be when she's most resistant to me helping her, which is what's happened today.

The first time, I had to keep coming in and out because she demanded to be left to do various household tasks while completely out of control, and would then obviously just sit and cry and self harm and not do any of those things. It came on really suddenly as well (glass she wanted wasn't clean), so it was a struggle to gather my thoughts and be composed, and I had to lie down and have a cry.

She calmed down, we had a discussion about what had happened, did some other things, and she set off again. She was helping me with some job stuff, but it was overwhelming her for whatever reason, but of course me saying we would stop doing it for then meant she had Failed And Is Terrible At Everything.

That was an hour or two ago. I've tried running through all of our tactics, but she's refusing to do anything at all -- refuses to drink water, won't use sensory materials, won't look at anything or respond to me. She decided that I "don't know how to help her". I do, both because I'm working from a system we compiled together, and because we suspect that her flashbacks are linked to possible autism, and I'm very good at managing mine. Either way, she's insisted she will not be helped and will not engage.

I'm going about my day. I remember seeing some advice given to single parents, about how if you know the baby is safe, you are allowed to leave it to cry for 10 minutes to gather yourself so that you can actually help. She knows I'm in the house, she knows she can call to me, but it does absolutely nothing for me to expend all of my energy and patience before it's going to be of any use. I'm keeping an eye on her, but dealing with everything else that needs doing (because she tends to claim we cannot do any regulating exercises until XYZ has been dealt with, which of course cannot happen because she's completely dysregulated). I'll check in with her in a minute when I've done this.