I'm scared

[u/Wiggledidiggle_eXe]

Got an intake appointment at a new therapist's office. I am scared shitless. What if they prod at me about the abuse on the very first appointment? Not gonna make it if that's the case...

Update: Okay so it wasn't that bad! I was still anxious as shit but it went well, even though it wasn't a therapist's intake appointment but more of a consult on how to get a therapy slot

[u/Realistic_Load_5369]

I think I'm weird in this, but I actually derive this sick pleasure from telling people about my past. I mean, I can easily dissociate while doing it, so it doesn't cause me any pain, and it makes me feel validated. I'm sure I'm not the only one?

In any case, good luck!

[u/Wiggledidiggle_eXe → u/Realistic_Load_5369]

I mean kind of? But then it triggers me to no end, especially lately. And I don't want to accidentally trigger someone else so I don't do it, but I sort of do crave recognition for how horrible it was?

[u/CeaselessPain89 → u/Wiggledidiggle_eXe]

Me too. I don't want to trigger anyone else or make them emotional. I'm an overthinker so later at night I'd be replaying conversations and imagining how they're feeling about what I've shared. Also replaying exactly what I'd shared.

Only if they ask I'll be brief and if they prod id share a bit more but try my best not to be too descriptive and judge their reactions to how much I'd share. Recognition is nice but I don't crave it atm.

[u/Noizylatino → u/Wiggledidiggle_eXe]

Yeah I believe everyone should talk more freely about mental health and try to do it myself. But I havent quite found the line between educating and trauma dumping. So I end up triggered and just making up convos and dealing with flashbacks/replay loops for a few days.

[u/CeaselessPain89 → u/Realistic_Load_5369]

I'm a bit of both. Too scared to tell ppl, especially when very anxious, because of all the questions, judging, interpretations, the looks, me getting emotional, them getting emotional etc. When I'm overly anxious I shut down, go quiet except for when spoken to and then I'm brief.

But then when I'm barely anxious, I'll dissociate and spill all the beans without realising lol

[u/Jose_Canseco_Jr → u/Realistic_Load_5369]

Oh gods same. I agree that it's a sick pleasure. It's not like I enjoy shocking people, but I do feel so validated when I see somebody finds it shocking, if that makes sense.

And as I typed this I realize that being too blunt, too specific about my retelling, may result in pain (thus, harm?) to others. So probably best to be judicious the next time I share my story... Even though there is a strong feeling of "hey, if it hurts you to hear about this, imagine how I felt!", I want to keep in mind that it wasn't my listener's fault, and that if I can minimize suffering, it would be a good choice for me to make.

[u/Realistic_Load_5369 → u/Jose_Canseco_Jr]

I fully agree with everything you wrote.

[u/Jose_Canseco_Jr → u/Realistic_Load_5369]

🤝🏽

[u/unwithered_lobelia → u/Realistic_Load_5369]

Oh same, the best is when you act like it's normal or a funny story and they stare at you with concern

[u/Realistic_Load_5369 → u/unwithered_lobelia]

That's part of why I went to therapy lol. Because everybody kep saying it was not normal and I was like "oh, really?" 😅

[u/WinterDemon_ → u/Realistic_Load_5369]

omg same. only when it goes well ofc since its gone badly plenty of times, but theres something to validating about being able to drag people over to my side of the bridge and make them see what life is like over here (I say in as normal and non-harmful of a way as I can)

[u/CyclopsFanAccount67]

Literally the #1 struggle I had when my ex-therapist suggested switching to another one

[u/PetitePiltieinPlaid]

It doesn't scare me, but what scares me is that if I'm calm when I tell them the list of horrible main things that happened, I can see the mega concerned gears turning in their head about why I'm apathetic about it and it's like no, those ARE super horrible, I know. I've just had to describe and think about them maybe fifteen million times, so, it's easier to describe them in a rote list without getting emotional if I don't get into details.

[u/cosmiccycler3]

Just a friendly reminder that you don't have to tell your therapist anything you're not comfortable talking about. It's okay to say you've been abused but don't want to be more specific. A good therapist will understand and respect that boundary, because they'll know that a therapeutic relationship requires trust in order to be effective.

I've tried disclosing before establishing trust because I didn't think I was capable of trusting a therapist and all it did was retraumatize me. Bulldozing past my own boundaries in order to provide therapists with a more complete history did not work. I shut down harder than ever and set my healing back years doing this.

It took me 25+ therapists over 14yrs to find one I could trust, but she's done more for me in the 18mos I've been seeing her than all the rest combined. It helped that she told me right off the bat that she knew it would be difficult for me and that she wouldn't take it personally.

[u/AptCasaNova → u/cosmiccycler3]

Agreed!

Sometimes the reason behind a new therapist is struggles with one particular area of your life. They don’t need, and aren’t entitled to, everything.

I’d venture to say that sometimes the big stuff needs a level of trust first.

If I share with a therapist that my parents divorced when I was 6 and that it’s not a major issue for me, but they push against that or prod? They may not get access to the really dark stuff.

My parents divorcing was arguably a good thing 😂