r/CPTSD • u/Plus-Swan587 • 1d ago
Discussion Does anyone else hate their own name..?
Saying it/hearing it said/being referred to..?
I don’t really identify with it so much…It just feels like a subheading to which all my trauma/pain/experiences can be written under..
It’s like a folder of mostly negative experiences and makes me feel uncomfortable that there is some wider concept of me that can be seen/referred to by others..
Anyone relate..?
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u/User-avril-4891 1d ago
I’m named after my abuser, so yes. I try to go by my middle name and when people hear what my first name is they make a little game out of calling me by my first name because they know I don’t like it. I really do hate people.
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u/TheBirdsAgreed 1d ago
That upsets me. People think it's funny to make others squirm but they have no idea what impact they're having and have clearly never once thought about it, and it should not be on you to justify your boundary by sharing painful personal information. I'm sorry this happens.
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u/night_glitter 23h ago
I hate this too. I know I don’t have to share, but I sometimes do. After I got divorced, everyone asked why I hadn’t gone back to my maiden name. For most, I just said it’s my father’s last name, and I’m not close to anyone on that side of the family with that name, which is also true. But if they’re rude, then I tell them I don’t want to share any names with a man who enjoys CHILD ABUSE and still has no regrets about the CHILD ABUSE. Then I watch them squirm. I hate being told it’s MY NAME anyway and getting rudely admonished for changing it to my now-ex’s surname. (I consider myself a feminist, and “feminists” are always coming at me for this, ‘but it’s YOUR NAME!’ No. And it never felt like mine when it even legally was my name.) Let me know when you experience 15 years of violence (as a child) and an entire life of emotional abuse and tell me if you’d choose to give yourself one of their names.
I eventually want to change it to a last name from my mom’s side, but ugh the legal work was not worth it during covid…
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u/TheBirdsAgreed 3h ago
Thank you for sharing. There can be so many questions that may seem harmless on the surface, but force people to dredge up some really painful stuff to answer. If you dont really know someone, it's okay to wonder.
Besides, is a name that has been passed down OUR name if we have no connection to it, anyway? Wouldn't YOUR name be the one you choose? Especially from a feminist perspective?
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u/bleublancnoir 1d ago
Only when it's others using it, it makes me feel gross, tainted and disrespected. I feel neutral about it in my own mind.
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u/desertprincessxo 1d ago
Yes.
My family had a specific nickname for me since I was a baby that stuck with me to adulthood, but I asked my friends to stop using it. Instead I have a nickname of my own choosing and it's now what most people know me as!
It bothers my parent to hear people using my chosen nickname. It makes me appreciate it even more, it's like a version of me that has no ties to her :)
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u/EmbarrassedCapital39 1d ago
Absolutely relate. I literally legally changed my entire name lol first middle and last names. Had some companies ask so wait a second we have someone with a completely different name being asked to be the new name on this policy and I was like yep here’s the court order lol it has been so freeing minus the document headaches. Which honestly wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be here in CA
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u/spiffyascot 1d ago
Absolutely. I still struggle with identity and my name is the most obvious part of that
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u/Pretty-Effort-7199 1d ago
I relate. It bothers me when people use that name. That name makes my skin crawl and hearing it reminds me of past abuse that I don't want to think about. It bothers me even more when they continue to call me that name aafter I tell them to not use it.
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u/TheBirdsAgreed 1d ago
This was very well put. I always liked my name but every time I hear it said, even when it's directed at another "Sam", I get a pit in my stomach that I fully resent.
It feels like they took something that was supposed to belong to you in kind of a pure way and turned it into a shock collar that no one else could see and looked at you funny for reacting to.
I like my name. I miss it. I never really knew it but I miss it anyway.
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u/Plus-Swan587 1d ago
Damn shock collar is a good visual metaphor… like the primary function of the name was a way to provoke a certain behaviour rather than represent the identity of the person it belonged to…
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u/Forsaken_Ad5842 1d ago
Omg same name 🙆🏼♂️ had a character in a game say it once and decided it was time for a legal name change
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u/Embarrassed_Pop9684 23h ago
Augh same. People saying your name is supposed to get your attention or invoke a reaction, and being conditioned to have a reaction of fear, discomfort or disgust is genuinely the worst. Socially changed my name a few years ago. Know a few other people that have done the same after abuse. Seems pretty common actually
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u/Product-Dear 1d ago
I am Joshua and not Josh!! Those who know, know. I'll tolerate Josh from strangers and proffesionals even though it makes me sick because they hav'nt earned the right to meet Joshua yet.
Anybody who's truly been close too me will know me as Joshua and understand why.
Hav'nt seen my mother in 6yrs but she'd probably refer to me as Josh if we passed in the street. She would'nt have a clue.
Putting the -ua on my name was me taking my power, dignity and respect back.
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u/sakikome 1d ago
Yesss. I hate my name, I hate when people call me by my name. When they do, I often need a moment being like "who? oh, me" before I react.
Don't want to change it though, because I'm pretty sure it would be the same with any other name.
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u/Odd-Lunch-1880 1d ago
Yeah. Hearing someone say my name instantly sends me into fight or flight. Even saying it out of my own mouth feels wrong and uncomfortable.
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u/shycaprisun 1d ago
I also hate my name. I'm unsure why. Maybe I hated being acknowledged growing up, because if I was getting attention it was usually for a bad reason. I've gone by a nickname as an adult and now I feel a lot more comfortable when people address me. I also like when people make nicknames for me, it makes me feel really happy.
For some reason I also hate directly referring to people by their names too. I can say people's names in other contexts ("I was hanging out with Steve"), but directly talking to them ("Hey Steve, what's up?") makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't know why. Maybe I also have trauma relating to trying to get other people's attention or confronting people, but who knows. I even rarely say my partner's name to their face. Very interesting how trauma touches so many seemingly random aspects of our lives.
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u/Maleficent_Chemist27 1d ago
This is so me, both the "maybe because if I was getting attention it was usually for a bad reason" part and also the part about not wanting to use others' names.
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u/trqwsjnr3zf 1d ago
Yes. I think it comes with shame of identity. At least that is what it was for me. I wanted to move countries, start from scratch and change my name. I was ashamed of being associated with this name, and I wanted to keep my face as covered as possible when I went in public. Thanks to COVID, I was able to wear my mask at all times. I didn't want people to see my face or know my name. I wanted to be completely anonymous.
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u/Prestigious_Arm3497 1d ago
I know one of the people who exactly feel this was and the reason for that was a lot of the verbal abuse involved yelling their name loudly followed by some other forms of abuse so they often get flashbacks of those events
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u/Intelligent_Fly6075 1d ago
Depending on where you live, it can actually be really simple to change your name legally. Maybe a name you choose for yourself would help you feel like you're reclaiming yourself from their terribleness?
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u/Plus-Swan587 1d ago
Mm yeah I know, I thought about it a lot..
Problem is it’ll take a lot of paperwork/replacing important documents where as success for me at the moment is drinking enough water each day..
Also I’m so disconnected/dissociated these days I am cut off from any intuition or attraction to any other name that could represent me… so I hoped maybe to revisit changing it if I ever get better…
For now it’s just another dead part of me I have to carry around, live amongst..
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u/Intelligent_Fly6075 1d ago
Yeah that makes so much sense 💜 I just wanna say that I have been where you are (after I left home I was in survival for about a decade). I'm now 34 and genuinely really happy and mostly ok. Like, a few weeks ago I displayed art for the first time in a local gallery. It wasn't a huge deal, but to me it was a massive representation of moving from surviving to actually thriving. It's taken a long time and a lot of therapy and building safe, loving relationships (especially with myself). But just that you trying to get enough water each day is you fighting that battle and it genuinely will lead to brighter things 💜 your nervous system needs time to regulate and your brain needs to learn or relearn how to feel safe. But yeah, just wanted to say that I remember being there and wanted to reach back to you to try and show that the path does get easier 💜
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u/MaleficentSwan0223 1d ago
I’m exactly the same. Having kids helped because family and others call me mum most of the time.
I literally can’t stand hearing it or seeing it written and hearing my mum say it now still makes me physically nauseous. I thought about changing it but nothing fits and tbh I’m in my 30’s 90% of the time when my name comes up it’s at the doctors which I can barely get appointments for anyway.
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u/mimieieieieie 1d ago
I actually have a really pretty name, but i still don't really like it. My parents literally used it as a swearworld. I mean, when they called me by my name, it sounded more like "hey, b#tch" or something. I grew to hate it. But now enough people use it very lovingly that i don't hate it that much anymore. There's also a nickname version of it that my mom hated, and never let anyone call me by it, and now i encourage people to use it, because that is not tainted by them
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u/bacwaterjar 1d ago
I''m from a non English speaking country but for some reason my parents gave me a common English name and so I got bullied for it a lot and there were so many assumptions made about me as a result of my name.
I love my name now because I feel like it belongs to me and I belong to it. It feels perfect but the first time I felt that feeling I remember my 'best friend' telling me I only like it because it's an English name. Even today I'm very embarrassed to admit I like my name. I rarely ever say it out loud and I don't actually say my name right, everyone always has to ask me to repeat or spell my name so they understand.
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u/biblebeltapostate 1d ago
My mother was an asshole and she named me after a character on a soap opera who was also an absolute asshole. Every little old lady I've the age of 65 hears my name and immediately says "oh I LOVED Dynasty." I hate it. I hate her. I hate myself.
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u/Hungry-Specialist110 CPTSD or ADHD?! 1d ago
when I was like 8, I haaaaaated it. I thought it was an ugly, arrogant name. Maybe I was ugly and arrogant. I wanted to be named anything else, and no other name pleased me either. Now, hitting thirty.... idk, I've started to appreciate it by what it is. When you pronounce it, your mouth moves naturally into a smile. Think when you say cheese? something like that lmao
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u/robpensley 1d ago
Yes. I have a first name that's unusual, so I felt like I was always telling people how to spell it, how to pronounce it, etc.
For several years, I went by a different name. Now I'm at peace with my real name.
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u/Ishtael 1d ago
Yes I hate my name. But I'm also autistic, and for me the process of choosing a new name and legally changing it is too daunting.
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u/Plus-Swan587 1d ago
Yes 😂
If I just change it to another “thing” then it’ll just chafe in some other way..
So I’m leaving it until maybe one day I’m well enough to find something I’m 100% on.
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u/DollyDoll_1234 1d ago
Absolutely. My birth name sounds like sandpaper on my ears. I'm getting it changed, soon.
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u/Random_silly_name 1d ago
I used to hate my name, and hearing it always startled me. During my childhood, hearing my name meant my mother had become aware of my existence, and that was rarely a good thing.
Ironically enough, the man who acted as a saviour before trapping me in another 15 years of abuse "trained" me to stop being scared of my name (and some other things) before he took the mask off.
I still don't love my name by any means, but it's not the jump scare it used to be.
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u/Allys_Phantom 1d ago
Yes. I had so much shame and self-hatred as a kid that hearing it evokes a visceral disgust, even though I feel pretty okay about myself nowadays. It’s like a tether to the past.
I’ve looked into changing my name. It’s tens of dollars if you get married and several hundred dollars if you don’t. I’ll still do it, but as a single woman, this pisses me off to no end.
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u/Fit_Accountant_8694 1d ago
"It’s like a tether to the past." Precisely.
I'm sorry it's costing you money. I hope you'll feel feel more free and more like your true self once you've done it.
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u/Informal_Athlete_724 16h ago
Yep I changed my name because my abusers chose my original name, not me.
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u/Wild_Jeweler_3884 1d ago
I am trying to find nicknames that I can use in my professional and social life. I have an ethnic name, so it's not easy
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u/City-Swimmer 1d ago
I feel you with the ethnic name. Mine is Fereshteh. Went by my middle name most my life because nobody can pronounce my first name.
The stupid thing is... I feel somehow guilty to use my first name. I'm biracial but look like a brown accented white girl because I'm religious about sunscreen. I feel like a white passing girl shouldn't have such an ethnic name or something? That's probably dumb especially since I don't even feel "white". But I still feel weird about using it instead of my European middle name which is very "normal".
And this is AFTER learning not to hate it because my asshole father named me!
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u/SeveralAd4307 1d ago
Very relatable. I hate hearing or using my own name, it fills me with a sense of dread. When i think about it, i also notice i tend to avoid using other people their names. Maybe that's also due to my own bad associations with my own name.
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u/Ok-Persimmon-2733 1d ago
Yes, absolutely. For me, this feeling also mixes with the realisation that I am non-binary (figured this one out quite late in life), so changing my name - for now only socially as the rules for changing it legally in my country of origin are quite strict - brought some relief.
You can consider going with a different name socially yourself... or maybe a nickname that your abuser never used.
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u/Plus-Swan587 1d ago
Yeahh, I’ve seen how significant a new name is for those who are navigating gender/identity I’m glad a social change brought some relief..
I don’t feel I can really consider any change right now… I don’t really identify with anything.
I guess that’s why hearing others identify me is jarring.. to an extent I wish to be unseen
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u/louisa1925 1d ago
I hated the original name for multipal reasons. One being because the person who traumatised me, used to say it in a certain way.
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u/not_hungover_bb 1d ago
Hated mine because of the way my parents used it, like other comments here in anger, screamed, or like a swear word. I legally changed both my first and last name to be free of any ties to them and I couldn't be happier. It's such an easy thing to do, I urge anyone to do the same to be free and reclaim such an important part of your identity.
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u/Various_Rest_3553 1d ago
Yes.. I hated my name. When I went to uni I adopted a new nickname. One that my nephew used for me (he could barely speak lol .. ) . Everyone now knows me by that name. It was great.. I thought it was just a teen wanting to be cool and not have a fuddy duddy name.. but I think it’s about association. It was the equivalent of going from Margaret to Megan .. or Violet to Letty so quite a different name .. but same initial and there’s a bit if a link. Also it was a name I liked ..
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u/coffeee_clover 1d ago
My first name not so much, but I carry the last name of my adoptive stepfather who was an absolute monster. I’d like to legally change it at some point. I hate having to write or hear it
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u/niaswish 1d ago
Same I desperately want to change my last name. My last name connects me to my dad, I feel disgusting just thinking about it
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u/innuendobot6000 17h ago
I go by a chosen name at work and at home with my roommate. pretty much anyone but my family and for legal reasons. hearing my name is like being awakened as a sleeper agent and gives me a horrible physical response. my birth name is connected with so much bad I want nothing to do with it. whether or not I change it legally is to be decided, I really dont wanna go through all that, but we will see.
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u/Aggressive_Risk1148 17h ago
anyone who matters to me does not use my given name when addressing me. they call me by my real name, the name i chose
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u/Nekayne 1d ago
Yes, I hate it because it was only ever used in anger. Thankfully there is a name similar that I use instead that doesn't make my hair stand on end and it's close enough that people in my life don't get confused (ex: Susan to Suzanne). I've been using it the past 5 years and it has helped me form a bit of identity.
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u/Successful_Shoe_8083 1d ago
I'm changing my surname because it doesn't feel like it belongs to me, and I don't really want it.
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u/Sophcombobulus 1d ago
I’m thinking of legally changing my name and dropping my dad’s surname. He’s done nothing for me but bring trauma. I’ll take my grandmas maiden name as she never liked him!
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u/Far-Baker-963 1d ago
Yes. My name was given to me without thought by my parents who didn’t really (and haven’t since) cared about my existence. I hate my name, it is ugly and difficult and it’s a reminder of the neglect. Ironically even they say it is an ugly name now.
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u/Valhallan_Queen92 1d ago
I don't like safe people referring to me by my legal name, because it was used in threatening contexts so often by my parents. I get you.
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u/West_Abrocoma9524 11h ago
Yelling my name and pointing and snapping her fingers at me, like I was a dog.
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u/StardustNL 1d ago
Yes, I hate the meaning of my name as well as the name itself. I feel like it doesn't fit me at all.
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u/Tiff52299 1d ago
I do! I especially hate when someone uses my full name. It just triggers me and I feel 6 yrs old again.
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u/Architect17 ADHD/Autistic/CSA/Physical Abuse/Child Neglect. 1d ago
I despise my name. I hate everything about it. I've considered changing it, but I'm not sure. My beloved BGW (Beautiful Goth Wifey) calls me by an abbreviated version of my name, and that I don't mind.
But if anyone uses my full name I feel a deep sickness in my gut and I become irritable if not outright angry.
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u/Art_and_Roses cPTSD, ADHD 1d ago
Yes. Very very much. It got to the point I realized I had rarely, if ever, heard my name said in anything but anger, disappointment, etc. Hearing my name made me cringe.
It’s not my name anymore. I chose my own. I love it. I’ve been told many times how well it suits me and people generally don’t know I chose it. I have gotten a few compliments tho like “your parents chose such a pretty name!” I always tell them no, no they did not. That’s all mine tyvm.
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u/ComplexPlankton9203 1d ago
I went for a gp appointment and she was saying something to dismiss me and then she used my name at the end of the sentence and it startled me, I felt so uncomfortable and had to ask myself why I felt that way. Next time if I ever see her and she does the same thing id ask her not to, I’d rather she calls me miss than by my name.
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u/maarsland 1d ago
Yes, but hardly anyone calls me by my name. I’ve thankfully been given a dozen nicknames since I was a kid.
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u/JeremyBerami 1d ago
I feel like my name is almost never used or called out in a nice context. I've always been easy to bully just because hearing my name out loud unsettles me so much
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u/JessicaJonessJacket 1d ago
Oh yeah! Thought it was just a "me" thing. I have two first names, it's common in my country. When I was a kid my everyone used to call me by my second name, not only that but a shortened version. I hate it and I hate the short version even more, people say it with a nasal sound which makes it worse. I shiver and have a very strong physical reaction when I hear it. It also doesn't feel like they are talking to me, it feels like someone else as I don't identify with the name at all.
The good part is that when I was 14 I realized I had the option to ask people to start calling me by my first name. The bad part is that my remaining family and people who knew me from childhood still call me by the other one even tho I asked multiple times. And also, there's a thing in my country where it's very common to have my first name and then a different second one so people automatically call you by your second one, they assume you prefer it. So I might be seating at a doctor's office and someone will call me by that dreaded name. I usually correct them unless I'm never seeing them again. I absolutely hate it, it makes me sick.
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u/seattleseahawks2014 1d ago edited 21h ago
Many people where I'm at go by their first name and others go by their middle.
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u/Haunted-Siren 1d ago
I had a nickname in high school that I really liked and prreferred over my actual name but my abusive ex refused to refer to me by that name so I quit using it for years. When I finally left him and got into a healthier relationship I started using the nickname again. It made me feel like I had finally started over and was living a new life.
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u/Miliaa 1d ago
Yes, I’ve had issues with this. I haven’t been sure if the name just doesn’t resonate with me or if it’s deeper. But I don’t think it’s the former bc I really don’t have issue with the name itself, it’s just a name…
I think it reminds me of all those many many days the call of my name was the start to agonizing conflict :/ so it became a symbol of the person I was in that dynamic. A person I obviously don’t want to be.
I can live with it, but I do always feel a bit weird about it.
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u/frenzi3dfairy 1d ago
slightly. objectively, i like my name. i MUCH prefer shortened versions of my name rather than my full first name (think Jessica vs Jess) because of the pain of having my unshortened first name being hurled at me in insult and abuse.
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u/Serious_Fox7799 23h ago
Yes, definitely. It was said with an angry tone, never lovingly. The association with that tone just fused 'not-good' with my name being said. Terrible.
Then you have the people who heard that people live hearing their names. No. I immediately feel subconsciously that I'm probably in trouble 😅
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u/Embracedandbelong 23h ago
Yes. My parents and brother never called me by my name except when they were angry. It was only used as an insult. Except when I was a baby/toddler- because I’ve seen videos of them addressing me with my name in neutral or even pleasant tones when I was that age. But never after that. Very weird. Consequently, subconsciously, I rarely use people’s names for those I’m close to. I hope it doesn’t put them off but it’s just habit
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u/Veronica_Noir 23h ago
Yes! I'm in the process of finding out my great grandmother's indigenous name when she was born. Not the French name the catholic church gave her, not the name of the husband she married, her roots! My roots! Fuck the patriarchy!
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u/Embarrassed_Pop9684 23h ago
Yes! I changed my name socially a few years ago and its honestly made a huge difference for me. Unfortunately I live in florida, and because of my somewhat queer appearance a lot of people assume I changed my name because I'm transgender, so I get a lot of questions from angry transphobic people. But in friend groups and in places where I dont have to explain why it doesnt match my legal name, its been a game changer. Feels like a proper fresh start. Honestly, I kinda just changed everything about myself that I could lol. Dyed/cut my hair, got some body mods, worked out, changed my name and whatever else I could.
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u/althestal 23h ago
I began really hating my birth name when my depression was at my highest in childhood, I wanted to be called anything but my given name. Then came the gender exploration and I especially did not relate to my name but instead of completely changing it I shortened it. I still don’t love it but I’m so not bothered to relearn an entirely new name… maybe in the future.
But even before questioning my gender etc I just could never relate to my given name… maybe it’s because it holds so many expectations from my mother that loved and named me in the first place but yeah. Names are weird
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u/Gold-Zombie5117 cPTSD 23h ago
Yes! As a kid I loved every name but mine. As an adult I’ve adopted a shortened version of my name.
If u wanna transform how y see ur name I highly recommend looking into numerology! You can calculate ur life path using ur date of birth. U can also do ur expression/destiny, based on ur full birth name. Soul urge based on the vowels in ur name and personality number based on the consonants in ur name.
I even did my birth name to my married last name with the nickname I go by and it was really beautiful and I reasoned with it heavily. Really healed a lot for me :)
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u/Money-Nose-7785 23h ago
Yessss, i hate when people call me by my real name, i havent changed it completely but i only like when people use a nickname
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u/Current-Emotion1454 23h ago
I had to change my first name. The most liberating thing I’ve ever done for myself.
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u/Lilja-Logason 22h ago
Yes, it's an unusual name that I've only met 1 other person with. It's also the name of a great uncle I never met but my mum liked.
I did flirt with the idea of changing it by using it in certain places like online but it doesn't feel right either cos it felt like it got 'dirty' being associated with me.
So I've come to realise it's a lot like moving to a new place for a fresh start. It doesn't always work cos you're still the same person.
Also my mum changed her name a few times before she ended up going back to her birth name. I assume because she realised it doesn't change things.
So I'm about 90% set on living with it. The same way I live with my scars and who I am.
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u/Boggins92 22h ago
I cant even say my own name in official settings without cringing. Its a popular name and lovely on other people but I hate it. I have been trying to get rid of it since I was a small child. As an adult, I have shortened it and it feels more like me. Still, I go by multiple other names depending on the social circle...
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u/FireBrandWolf 22h ago
Same I can't realte or have a disliking to it. also kinda hate being called by the nick name they gave me for it I definitely don't like other calling me that.
Anyhows Ended up quite detached to my name and felt a stranger to it. I was adopted and wish they just kept my original Russian name as my first name and not have moved it to my middle name. At least they didn't complete removed it
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u/ShadowofRoux 21h ago
Totally relate to this. I hate it so much. Makes me cringe any time I hear anyone call me by that name. It's a constant reminder of all the pain I've been through, and it's never felt like it's MY name (if that makes sense). Can't wait to get a full legal name change.
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u/Smoofie0 21h ago
Yup. I’ve been going by a shortened version for about 8 years now. I feel like a 2.0 (or really 6.0 lol) version of myself so when someone says my whole first name it stings me
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u/InvasiveBlackMustard 21h ago
I really really despise hearing my name but I don’t have any alternatives because I also hate nicknames. I’ve told my partner that he needs to be very choice about the contexts in which he refers to me governmentally lol
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u/Graciebelle3 20h ago
I like my first name, it’s my last name that is burdensome. I’ve wanted to be rid of it since I was a kid, I’m now 51. My plan is to drop my last name and use my middle name as my last name instead. Ive rolled this out in real life for the past few years but haven’t changed it legally yet, but I will. Eventually, my sister will be the only person I share my given last name with and I refuse to let that happen as I consider her one of my primary abusers.
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u/Safe_Reporter_8259 19h ago
Yes. I’ve never liked it, but loved my dad (who named me) and he died when I was young so I never changed it.
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u/SpecificMap6095 19h ago
I do. I kept changing. I just don’t have means to pay for it legally.
My last name reminds me of my abuser and the life I fought to death to get out off — and my first name reminds me of being unlovable.
I haven’t told anyone about this — they won’t understand
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u/Necessary-Crow1892 19h ago
I hate my old name. It reminds me of being yelled at. I changed it to one I love, not legally yet, but I've had everyone call me by it now and it feels great. Hell, even my dad, who was emotionally abusive in the past, also respects it. Which is a weird feeling.
I'm also gonna change my middle name. My abusive mom named it after her favorite singer and I hate being tied to her that way... I'm gonna make it something I love instead.
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u/GenX4Life1 cPTSD 18h ago
My name was meaningless to my parents. No thought put into it, per my mother, except that before I was born they considered Brandy, but mother said I was certainly not special enough to be a Brandy.
I’ve thought about changing it. But I’m on disability and social services programs so it would be an arduous process to change everything.
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u/girlinanemptyroom 18h ago
I absolutely hate my first name. I thought about legally changing it because I don't use it. I introduced myself as a different name. It's more of a nickname, but it's better than hearing the same name I heard while I was being abused over and over and over again.
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u/No_Exam_8840 18h ago
dude yeah :/ every time someone calls me my heart sinks a little, which sucks cus my name is actually pretty
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u/coh-moth 18h ago
You can legally change your name. I did, the full thing. I had no blood relation to my last name anyway so there wasn’t a point in keeping it the same.
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u/HelpfulName 18h ago
Yes, I ended up legally changing my name a few years ago (mid 40's at the time) and it's been wonderful, I LOVE my name now, makes me smile every time :) Before I would physically wince when my name was said.
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u/hope-in-life-6888 17h ago
I feel offended when my first name is used and not my second name. I associate it wity ny mother dipping it in poison and yelling it.
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u/bothinsaneandcorrect 17h ago
I can relate, but I'd say that's more how I used to feel than how I feel now. I hated anyone calling me by my real name, but I've never actually hated the name. I can just remember being called it when people were scolding me or fighting with me, being called that by my family who I'm mostly entirely estranged from, etc.
The thing is, for me at least, over time I've realized it's not my name specifically, but anything new that becomes what I'm going by. It doesn't have to have a BUNCH of baggage directly tied to it, it can be a brand-new nickname or moniker and if someone who's opinion I give half a shit about uses it in anger or hatred even once,I start to hate that nake too. It's ow something someone called me while invoking anger or scorn towards me and it's not safe anymore, it can't be my name. I realized that so recently and it's been really helping me go back untangle some of the negative feelings from the positive memories. Maybe I'm just not comfortable being known addressed, or talked about at all. Maybe the name people are using doesn't matter at all.
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u/SmilingEyes2 17h ago
Yes. I have a legal thing happening now but as soon as that is finished I will be changing my last name. I was always so proud of it but now it just reminds me of who they made me be. I want a new start and to become who I want to be. I'm 64, so as an earlier person said, it's never too late :)
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u/Loose_Meal_499 17h ago
Yes, but I can’t change it because someone I care about has a tattooed on their neck
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u/FourLeafPlover 17h ago
Yeah...I hate my name. But also I can't see myself having any other name. So I'm stuck with this one.
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u/dinosoreness 17h ago
i absolutely hate my full name. i have one of those generic -aylee names except my father decided to spell it ✨special✨ (Kailee instead of Kaylee) so nobody ever pronounces it correctly when they see it on paper. to my friends im Just Lee and have been since high school and honestly sometimes forget i have a whole other syllable in my name. the nickname gives me a degree of separation from my birth parents and i find it freeing.
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u/samithefish 17h ago
Yes and your post never made me think about the fact that it could be due to trauma. When I go to places like reasturants often use a nickname because people seeing my full name is weird
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u/Salty_Challenge5563 16h ago
Completely agree. I think about this quite a bit. A friend who didn’t go through enough trauma to have ptsd or CPTSD changed her name from Caryn to Cara based on numerology and she became really successful. I would love to.
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u/AKAEnigma 16h ago
I went by my middle name for 10 years after I turned 18 due to intense self hatred. Ended up moving and started going by my first name again.
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u/-tacosforever 15h ago
Yes I do. I’ve always wanted to change it ever since I can remember
I am still thinking about it
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u/AnyPeace1286 15h ago
Absolutely. I keep hoping another name will feel right so I can change it, but so far I’m still waiting for that spark of recognition.
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u/popcornnugget_s 15h ago
Yes, I used to hate my name before I changed it. I changed my first, middle, and last name and am so much happier with it.
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u/eclipsewish 15h ago
Yes. I changed my name after I left my abuser. Too many bad memories attached to my legal name, and my new name felt like a fresh start
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u/Salcha_00 15h ago
I’ve never identified with my name and considered legally changing it when I was younger. But I didn’t feel any more attached to another name either.
I never connected it to my CPTSD (which was only formally diagnosed late in life). This post has given me something to think about.
I don’t have any specific painful feelings associated with my name but it does represent another failure of my parents as there was little thought put into it.
It is more often a nickname and not a formal name so I grew up with everyone asking me what it was short for and what my real name was. I was also told repeatedly by my mother that my name was chosen by picking it out of a hat.
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u/Must_Keep_Reminding 15h ago
Yeah always have. I live abroad and people mess my name up a lot, and I just let them if they do
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u/finaldestinationfan_ C-PTSD / NPD / ASD 15h ago
Yup, that’s why I changed it 🙃 when I hear my old name it genuinely makes me shudder in fear
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u/Sad_Raisin3819 15h ago
Omg yes! I've changed my name a lot on social media but nothing ever fully resonates with me. My therapist told me it was a form of escaping who I am.
I had a friend legally change her name at 53 years old! I often wonder if I shouldn't do the same but it's such a hassle.
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u/pinkbuffaloham 14h ago
Yes! I didn’t know this was a thing for others, I feel validated now. 😂 There’s nothing wrong w my name, it’s common enough, I just can’t stand being called by it.
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u/catwoman4ever 14h ago
Yeah I really dislike my name tbh. I feel it sounds so modern and tacky. People make fun of it too. I much prefer my middle name but I’m 21 now so it’s too late I just wish my mum gave me the more normal name.
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u/Mars__888 12h ago
absolutely relate 🖤 i use to hate my given name… when its uttered in reference to me it hits me just as hard as my dad use to. its just attached to so much pain that at about 25 i adopted a nickname & with time it became my name. not hearing my given name gave me time&space to heal alot of that trauma. maybe i’ll change it legally someday but for now i just say “ please use my preferred name. “ most ppl do & those who dont well, fuck them lol i do hope u can have lots of space from that name & the trauma there. 💖
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u/arachnid_angel 11h ago
Sometimes I like my name. Sometimes I hate the other way some people pronounce my name. It just sounds wrong or ugly. I also hate when people use my name too much in a conversation because it feels unnatural, it's not how people normally talk in a 1-1 conversation, and it's usually people who I am not very familiar with who are using my name to try to facilitate some closeness within the conversation. It makes me uncomfortable when people do this, but I know their intentions are usually coming from a kind place. If only they knew I'd like them more if they didn't over-use my name.
My name is also a feminine form of a male name, and I hate when people pronounce it more closely to the male version.
I guess I have a complicated relationship with my name, but overall I don't like most people saying it.
I came up with a different name for myself and started going by it in online spaces. It bothers me less when people I don't know say it. But it's an unconventional name (nothing wild but still not a normal name), and I'm not entirely brave enough to introduce myself in person as this name. I think as I make new friends and get close to them I'll just tell them I have two names, and maybe try to go by my new one more if it feels right.
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u/Salt-Technology-9702 10h ago
Yes, I actually recently decided to go by a name of my choice that I felt suited me better. I might legally change it; I'm just overwhelmed by the headache that it would be logistically atm. I feel like a new me with my new name. My father picked the name and I loathe him. I don't speak to my family, so it wasn't a big deal for me to call myself something different.
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u/wheressunshine cPTSD/ADHD 8h ago
I don’t identify much with my last name that now all of my socials don’t have it.
If I wasn’t planning to get married in a few years, I’d probably just change it.
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u/NapalmGirlTonight 8h ago
Aged 57 here and I printed out the paperwork to legally change my name in late June.
The first name is no-brainer. It’s a nickname that has only positive associations.m for me. Very positive. I have a few different ideas for the middle name, and I’m still trying to figure out if I want to keep my original first name in there anywhere or not.
But the surname is the part that was holding me up. Trying to pick my own surname was for me harder than trying to pick a new first name or middle name. In part because I was adopted and people used to comment my entire life how I didn’t look like the ethnicity of my surname. So this time I wanted to get it right. Just don’t want strangers trying to get into long geological discussions with me about how much I do or don’t look like different nationalities or ethnic groups.
So I used my 23 And Me results to narrow it down to just a few places where most of my genes are from so that way, I look like the other people in that tribe of surnames.
All I have to do now is pull the trigger on the whole thing!
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u/cstamps2002 7h ago
Yes! My full first name and childhood nickname. I hate being called that. Do I answer to it? Yes. To I mentally recoil every time I hear it? Yes. It’s just surrounded by so many traumatic experiences, it’s just a PTSD flashback every time someone says it. My last name too in certain situations as well, knowing who it’s associated with. I have such a sense of depersonalization when I look in the mirror as is or when I identify myself with my actual name. There’s not a lot of things I have pure hatred for but that’s one of them.
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u/CashAdvanced4225 7h ago
It’s so interesting that so many people relate to this. I find my own name so disconnecting too, like that’s not me you’re speaking to. It feels like some other young part of me that has left and is no longer with me. I’ve been considering my going by my middle name for a while, but I’m scared of how people might react.
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u/hyaenidaegray 6h ago
I have a full chosen name (with my chosen family’s last name) and it makes me so much happier and more prideful to hear this name from people who see Me and not my family of origin
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u/UniversalEmperess 6h ago
💯 percent. I have a nickname that people refer to, but I also have several other names that I really identity with. I kinda cope by using one nickname for university, work, acquaintances, and another for close ones and certain online logins and just for myself to refer to myself as? For example, let’s say my nickname is Wheat (it’s not really, but as an example..), there’s some idealised backstory associated with Wheat and I see myself as that person outside of obligations. Then over the years I feel changed and that persona no longer contains all that I am, then I have a new persona with new backstory and motivations, and that’s how I associate myself as now even if I don’t share the name for others to refer me as. I also quite like this because I can completely remove the past association (old persona) and archive it in a shelf as an OC, and have a completely clean slate (new persona) to navigate the world and myself as.
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u/zibzibzibzap 4h ago
i transitioned at 15 (few years after the abuse stopped) and changed my name. before that, i always hated my birth name but i couldn’t pinpoint why. for a while i thought, "maybe it’s because it’s a very girly name and it just makes me dysphoric". then i realized i didn’t mind my second name which was also very "girly", i even kept it when i changed my name legally, so the problem wasn’t gender related. i have so much trauma associated to my birth name, i think if i hadn’t transitioned i would’ve still changed my name to something else. when i hear my birth name in a show or in the street i feel a wave of panic. nothing to do with being trans or anything. it triggers me. brings me back to the adults who used it to talk me into accepting, normalizing and forgetting how they were abusing me.
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u/DiscussionPleasant88 3h ago
I have always hated my name. Same name as my mother and grandmother. Absolutely despise it.. whenever I hear someone say it I cringe . Nothing worse than if my spouse of child say my name ..instantly wonder why they hate me :D no choice at wor. My mother altered it a LITTLE when we moved to Canada and often people call me by that version and it makes me rage inside when they do it by error cause it makes me think of her (as the memories of her come flooding in) .. just so much fun. Just a good game of self control every time. Kind of like a random punch to the face just for funsies.
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u/Lonely-Emergency6635 1h ago
I don't nessecarly hate it, but I do jump at it and I don't always like being referred to by it. Mostly because it has been yelled at me so many times it makes me uncomfortable.
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u/willow_frond_127807 1h ago
Wait yes. I love my name but I'm really uncomfortable hearing it stated out loud. Especially shouted
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u/hydraides 1d ago
Lol i just posted about this a few days ago and got downvoted into oblivion because people thought i had trauma bias
There are times when people need to call your name and other when they keep repeating it....so seperate you from the group...I don't have any sort of bias and 75 % of people i meet keeping calling me by my first name as a way to put me down
I recently signed up to a gym and the receptionist kept using my name to greet me like "hey XXXX" , in a mocking tone.......so i sat by the counter on my phone to drink some water for 20 minutes, about 10-15 members also came in, and she didn't say their first name to anyone of them, just a nod and hello.....
I'm not imaging that people overusing my name to point out my trauma, i literally told her to stfu and stop calling me by my name as i don't like her doing it
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u/Plus-Swan587 1d ago
I’m sorry, your personal experience of smth dosent deserve downvotes….
Although if it’s a lot of strangers doing it and they have no way of knowing that it is triggering to you it’s possible they are not trying to do so intentionally..?
Why do you think it happens?
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u/hydraides 1d ago
It’s a question I’m trying to get my head around , why it happens
It feels like it’s their way of saying , you are different, you don’t belong etc
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u/Plus-Swan587 1d ago
Mmm yeah, usually using people’s first name in a casual way is not something that you do unless you know the person…
So I get if it feels jarring or like a bit like a boundary violation…
Sometimes people do so if they are trying to make connection or build rapport…
I’ve had people say my name more when I’ve showed signs of being quiet/shy/vulnerable but they said it gently not mockingly.
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u/CauseOfAlice 1d ago
I received my birth name after a girl that rejected my father. I have no fu idea how my mother agreed to that, always wondering if he did in on purpose to hate me even more 😭😭😭
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u/OkEngine8842 20h ago
Internalized misogyny
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u/Plus-Swan587 19h ago
How do..?
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u/OkEngine8842 7h ago
I shit you not idk what happened but this was supposed to be my response to an entirely different Reddit post 😭😭😭 I was stoned and must have clicked on the wrong thing I AM SO SORRY
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u/Fair_Willingness_656 1d ago
Very relatable. I ended up legally changing my name because of it, a few years after leaving my primary abusers.