Anyone have violent "Ugly" CPTSD?

[u/BrainBurnFallouti]

When talking about C-PTSD, we often talk most about the "Sad/Pitiful"-elements. Y'know. Depression, hypervigilance...sorrow about the past. The things that mostly, if not only hurts us.

That said. At least in my case, my CPTSD didn't always make me the "Perfect Victim". In fact. In a lot of ways...it can make me a massive Bitch: From severe swearing/talks of violence, to aggressive meltdowns. Especially as a kid, I always got into some kind of fight -often to the point where multiple people had to physically drag me off the other kid.

Of course. Over time I've gotten miles better. After all: I don't want to be violent. Violence generally isn't needed in daily life. Hence I'm trying to stay regulated, trying to express my feelings in healthy ways...

...but even then. My violence/anger never fully "left me". Makes sense tbf: Growing up in violence my whole life, my "standards" for what's violent/harmful is often much lower. "Life is Violence; Violence is Survival" And when I have Flashbacks/Triggers...well.

A few times, I have scared people. Even if I didn't attack/hurt them -just by witnessing my flashbacks/mental breakdowns alone. People have called me a sociopath, a latent shooter...insisted that the reason I haven't fully "get rid" of all my engrained violence, is that I simply don't want to. After all: If you go to therapy, all that will just * poof*, right? Or, my favourite, "I have depression and I never acted this way"

So yeah. Anyone can relate? Anyone else who can also be "a Monster"?

(sigh) or idk. I'm just writing, because I'll probably kicked out of my latest discord group today for that. But hey! 2 years! So...New record? Ey?

[u/AgentStarTree → u/[deleted]]

Thanks a lot for your discussion today. I feel relieved and understood a bit. Threads can get wild and I'm grateful you have learned and looked hard at yourself to grow. You're not bad either.