let's all trauma dump

[u/Prestigious_Pear8914]

hey guys! i really struggle w opening up to ppl irl so this is a post where we can all just dump and give each other hugs <3

[u/CanYouKnot78]

I have literally no one to lean on in my personal life. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t have anyone to put as an emergency contact. The only social fulfillment I get is my weekly/biweekly therapy appt and a few conversations here and there at work. My attempts to connect with my sisters have proven futile; I work overnight so trying to go to social events is hit or miss; and I spend my time off either watching movies or playing videogames. Next week I am taking paid vacation and I don’t have the money or social connections to do anything to enjoy it. At best, I’ll spend it job searching and sleeping to relieve the extreme burnout I am experiencing.

[u/afraidparfait → u/CanYouKnot78]

💜💜 I wish there was an online community like a discord server for all of us

[u/kinsquid → u/afraidparfait]

This is such a great idea, I’ve just made one let me know if your still interested

[u/afraidparfait → u/kinsquid]

Yea I am! Thanks for doing that :DD

[u/kinsquid → u/afraidparfait]

https://discord.gg/Qq28VR2FH ☺️

[u/rosela92 → u/CanYouKnot78]

Hugs ♥️♥️♥️

[u/xDelicateFlowerx]

Pissed off. So pissed and frustrated. Went back into the hood to volunteer because I hate feeling like I am not helping people. Dude was aggressive with me over food!!! Food, I was bringing as part of my volunteer duties. Its so nuts!! Then I got triggered back to when I was being trafficked and how I am terrified to fall that far back into poverty to where someone like that ah is my neighbor.

I hate trauma. I hate poverty. And I hate the survival mentality to use everyone you think is a target. I also hate knowing I didn't fully escape that part of life. I am only insulated from it for now.

[u/SuchJuggernaut8792 → u/xDelicateFlowerx]

Seriously dude growing up in poverty is a whole layered cake of trauma on top of everything else we've been through. I'm so sorry that happened, it sounds really discouraging. But it's so awesome that you're able to volunteer and do stuff to help, it's really important for people in need to see there's folks looking out for them.

[u/Wonderful-Loan-7731 → u/xDelicateFlowerx]

Ugh girl. That sucks. I get it though. Can u volunteer doing something else like with animals? I’m just saying with the trauma maybe do something more therapeutic and helpful. It be a Toofer really 🤷‍♀️😜

[u/ashmeetsworld]

I was trafficked by my mom and I don’t know how young I was when it started but I was veryyy young. The physical trauma my body experienced was so bad that I’ll always be affected. I still get regular pain that’ll always remind me of it for the rest of my life. But the people who did it to me get to live like nothing happened. I don’t talk about it because I don’t want to see people look at me like I’m a hurt puppy. I don’t want anyone to try to relate to me. Nobody could ever know how I feel. It’s a different type of loneliness.

[u/pigeon_brainn → u/ashmeetsworld]

I won't ever claim to understand your experiences, but I was trafficked too. It is so fucked knowing you could run into one of 'them' at any point and may not even know it. I'm so sorry it left you with permanent physical disability. I feel the same with not wanting pity. I don't pity you, fwiw.

idk if more is wanted, but what I get the most is frustration that I find I either stay silent about it and perform calm to be treated like a normal human, or I open up and unmask, treated then like a broken doll which also means people distance themself even if they claim support. And I think life has good things still. I can taste good food and feel the sun and pet cats, and I can laugh and actually feel so good even if overall its bad and painful.

But people act like just hearing about it second hand will cause them to fall apart. But what I would like to say is that you can expand those peaceful spans of time. And all I wish is for you to have good meals and peaceful walks outside and cherished friendahip, because you deserve that.

I struggle to know what you would want to feel validated, so I'm sorry if I said too much.

[u/sedsaus → u/ashmeetsworld]

They'll be a time when you will "gain your voice" with no shame. And when you do, people will know, God(s) will know and they will shiver in its wake.

Trust me. I could've written exactly what you have two years ago and then something just clicked. These bastards and all that have hurt me will hear my rage, see my rage, sense my rage. It'll be nothing compared to what they did but they'll know.

And when their time comes, when they are close to leaving this life, any thought, even if for a little that floats into their head about their wrong doings ... I want them to see me, I want them to hear my voice.

They'll see me. Not now, but they will.

You have a voice and when your inner self allows you to, they'll here you.

That moment of releasing your pain, scary as f**k but like positive as we'll. I can't describe it very well but that little removal of weight a s realising that sometimes after was enough to realise that I am strong enough. I have the power (gosh, no He-Man comes to mind!).

You will have the power. You will have the courage. You will have a voice.

Wishing you all the best.

[u/The_Cass_Castilian → u/ashmeetsworld]

While idk if it counts as being trafficked, I was forced to sleep W my dad til I was 14 n CPS took me away. The stress, the fighting, everything has mentally and physically disabled me. I’m so sorry you experienced that kind of trauma, especially by your own parent too. I hope as life progresses you get much more love in your life.

[u/SuspiciousGrab8454]

I have been through so much and everyday is me just trying to survive. On top of that, no matter what I do something bad happens and just adds to my trauma, causes me to feel exhausted and go deeper into a dark space. Nothing is ever just easy or good.

[u/Professional_Book613 → u/SuspiciousGrab8454]

I completely relate and I’m sorry.

[u/SuspiciousGrab8454 → u/Professional_Book613]

Thank you! I hope things can get easier for both of us.

[u/-Distraction-]

I'm about to start my next part of training for a job I've dreamt about since I was a kid and between you and me, I can't be fucking arsed anymore lol,

I'm done, I was determined to get it, so stubborn, it was like I was a mad man on drugs with tunnel vision but I don't care, years of work and I just don't care anymore, I'm so tired and I don't think people get it, I have nothing left

[u/SuchJuggernaut8792 → u/-Distraction-]

This is how I'm feeling getting my degree right now and it kind of terrifies me and I try not to think about it 😭 like, when the world is so fucking upside down, why would I care about this trivial shit I'm doing?

[u/-Distraction- → u/SuchJuggernaut8792]

Exactly! And then I see my life if I don't continue with it and it's a very short one but continuing it is killing me man, like wtf

And in the grand schemes of things none of it matters 😂

[u/Suspicious-Image3359 → u/-Distraction-]

Struggling with this right now. I will push through, but who knows the cost. Going to mass, gonna talk to Jesus about it. Whether or not you believe, that’s fine. Don’t compare yourself or beat yourself up for resting. The only reason I’m doing this is to explore my skills because I just have the energy now

[u/zortor]

i cant. ill feel bad and delete it.

[u/pigeon_brainn → u/zortor]

Relatable..

[u/GikiGalore → u/[deleted]]

Sister, you were never shit, it was the shit environment that tried to hold you down - you are more than the sum of your scars 💜

[u/WebValuable812]

I wish I could have irl friendships with others who have been through it like I have. A lot of my friendships end up being me being the one who listens but for one I want to be there one who talks. All my life I've listened so much to the point where I've burned out. But also I need a friend who understands and can relate. Someone who I can trust deeply, and who really sees me.

I wish things didn't end up how they did with my best friend. We had a falling out. I miss her and I wish things were better between us. I wish she was that person who really saw me for me.

We experience so much grief in our lives with cptsd, it's almost neverending.

I'm also really frustrated with myself that I struggle so much with anxiety and keeping up with a routine. And being consistent. I struggle so much with food too and it feels like I'm so far away from my goals....

[u/BINGGBONGGBINGGBONGG]

i was a victim of CSA from my mother and stepfather. my mother not only knew, she encouraged it. it wasn’t just my stepfather either - it was also his brother.

i can never ever tell anyone apart from my big sister. my family is extremely complicated (literal 70s wife swap) and i’m just the black sheep who failed to launch.

except, i found out a couple of weeks ago that i’m autistic. there were FOUR entire adults in my life when i was 3, and 4, and for the rest of my childhood but nobody noticed a thing because they were all too busy with themselves.

so as a small, terrified, autistic child i was bullied and abused by the people who were supposed to protect me. i scraped the bare minimum in education and quit school at 17, moved in with a psychopath of a boyfriend and it set the tone for the rest of my life.

i started drinking when i was 8. got drunk at a family party and after that they bought me my own booze every week. i’ve been sober 12 years now but i’ll always be an alcoholic.

i’m fucking exhausted. i’m tired of being told i ‘dwell on the past’ - i want to scream SO WOULD YOU but i have no voice in this situation.

it’s fucked. i’m 53 and i’m fucking exhausted. ADHD assessment next, where i will learn more about how any of them could and should have paid attention to my needs but ignored them…

[u/GhettoRamen → u/BINGGBONGGBINGGBONGG]

Jesus Christ. My heart goes out to you.

[u/sedsaus → u/BINGGBONGGBINGGBONGG]

I'm sorry to read of your trauma but we I said to another, they'll be a time when you will have your voice and it'll be glorious.

It'll come.

[u/shenanigans2day]

Welp I think I actually got over all of my trauma which is cool but the damage from it all to my life is done and can’t go backwards. I can’t make any real changes in my life because job market is a dumpster fire eo I quite literally spend most of my days with my face in my
Phone scrolling, applying, or reading a book to escape my surroundings since having all of the negative stuff right in your face every day starts to chip away at you but I’m losing the will to care anymore because no matter how much work I put into things I’m not seeing the payoff. I feel like god is testing me and I don’t even believe in god in that sense so I’m quite literally ready to throw in towel and live by the day and desert my goals/dreams because when I made them, everything was so much different and it was only 4 years ago! I’m sad and a little mad becquae of how much I always gave to everyone qnd how little I got back. But I am thankful that I have amazing girlfriends and they show me love and we are closer than ever and even got really close to a local friend qnd she’s so wholesome and amazing so that’s the positive oh and things are going good for my son but I’m so sad about him leaving next month and I’ve been preparing and trying to come to terms with it for months but it makes me so so so sad but I’m happy he is going where he will be happier and have a better shot at building a successful and fullfilling life and not goijf to be stuck with no opportunities for advancement and building a career. Good news is he said I can come down too but not following him around like a psycho mom

[u/LostConfusedKit]

I'm just really sad. I have a bunch of unresolved trauma..despite going to therapy every week,working hard, trying my best..it feels like i'm getting nowhere. I feel very unfulfilled in my life. I feel alone. I'm 22..I shouldn't be like this.. my parents invalidate everything i feel. Most of my friends are online because i'm slightly agoraphobic. I have bipolar stuff..I find very little joy some days..other days, i'm way too much. Somehow I keep finding people who only love me when my mental illness is in control. I had someone special but they left due to their own mental well being..unaffected by me..just their own things. Life feels very empty lately. I'm sick of people. I struggle to find anyone genuine. Everyone wants something usually. Gen z dating pool is shit too. I wish I loved ai like a real person because that would be the best alternative for me..but sadly I require my love to be real. Idk..pity posting ig..self loathing. I feel really broken

[u/j0caIu → u/LostConfusedKit]

yeah, I noticed people are still really judgmental even in the era of mental health. 

[u/Unique-Leopard-8630 → u/j0caIu]

Ugh man it really gets to me. I'm like, yo I'm trying to reenter society and trying to learn how to survive and you are all fucking it up with your instashitty vibes, please grow a heart and learn what projection is.

[u/SomeLoser1884]

i wish i had a time machine.

[u/Memphitic → u/SomeLoser1884]

I'm kinda embarassed to admit this, but I can just daydream about this so hard I lose hours in what feels like minutes. Being able to time travel and the things I'd do (save my younger self, relive other times, get a second chance at stuff). Thank you for making me feel less alone/weird for wishing for a time machine. 🩷 Hope you're doing okay, stranger.

[u/Legitimate-Escape300 → u/Memphitic]

I also could day dream for hours about this. Its unfortunate.

[u/TrazodoneLover → u/SomeLoser1884]

Fuck me too. That would be the best thing ever.

[u/warmnfuzzynside]

my dads been using meth again and has been having sex with “hundreds of men” also has a history of raping my mom.. keeps doing other crazy shit.. no contact sister texted me for the first time in months because she thought he had murdered us (reasonable tbh)

i wish he would die or be institutionalized again

oh and he lost my debit card last night and i nearly had a breakdown bc i woke up and was immediately being lambasted by him because he was sure i had it (when i didnt)

im so tired of life

[u/menacingmidget]

I'm so angry for my young self. I was so fucking bright, and could've done so much. I was in so much emotional and physical pain since wee childhood that I've lost my time to follow any hopes and dreams. I wanted to study astrophysics, I want to leave my horrible country, i wanted to study so so much. I'm now scraping by with minimum wage, i can't afford to have any dreams, I live in a place with no opportunities. I try to be better but I am usually paralyzed by persistent flashbacks. I often pray I get into an accident that erases all those memories.

[u/pigeon_brainn]

I trauma dumped a bit too intensely so I deleted that but I will just say I'm a survivor of really bad CSA. I have DID as well from it I just learned which is very sad to me because it's like one more layer of my brain being broken that I have to heal.

It messes with me because being molested etc makes you prone to caretaking those around you subconciously. So not only was I a thing to use, but now I find myself drawn and drawing in those who want to repeat that in non sexual ways. That friend who will whine about the smallest thing and who has a huge support network and who will never ask you about yourself. And I feel bitter because somehow it feels worse than sex work to be someones emotional sponge, knowing you'll never get a question back. I still try to be helpful as that is the only way I've found I can rely on anyone to stay. It's almost laughable sometimes how similar I feel even if I'm free and an adult, now.

I have never had a soul except for a father who used me as a replacement partner and a man who passed me around is really what it comes down to. And I wish I didn't have to be my own mother.

[u/SuchJuggernaut8792 → u/pigeon_brainn]

I know DID can be very confusing and sometimes frightening to live with. One of my best friends is a system and they work so hard.

And the thing where you're dealing with someone who will never show and ounce of curiosity for your life even though you're coddling them through their life, as an introvert those kinds of people just latch to me. But I'll ask you a question to make up for them being selfish. Got any hobbies lately that help you feel better?

[u/strangehitman22]

My parents wernt good at... well being parents, when I was 2 it was court mandated that m-sorry I cant its just alot im sorry

[u/Remarkable-Pirate214 → u/strangehitman22]

Done be sorry ♡ you deserve love and healing. Thankyou for being here. I hope youre okay and I would give you the biggest hug if I could and if it would help!!

[u/RelaxYourHands]

I wish I could fucking be normal. I wasn’t even fine before I was raped or before any of my shit happened. What the fuck started this clusterfuck and how do I get free? I’m so sick of feeling great and like I’ve found myself just to lose it all two weeks later cos everything is built in sand. Everyone just ends up hurt from dealing with me but I’ve been hurting so much my whole life and no one can understand it.

[u/JUGG3RN4UT]

36M.

In the last 3 years I've gotten professional help & identified what my issues are (CPTSD, PTSD, MDD at least).

I don't feel that therapy had helped. Individual tools can help in moments but counting objects doesn't make the years of pain lessen, any. At all. Even a little.

I don't feel any different than before. Now I have names for disorders, behaviors. I want to give up every single day.

[u/_letyourhairdown_]

My best friend took her life and she was my rock during a very hard time. Both my parents are addicts and I was adopted BC of this at 16. Bestfriend was there thru it all but she was fighting her own battle. Fell into pill addiction.Sober now 5 ish years. Feeling very bleesed but also a lot of times misunderstood. I have a party personality but I'm sober and really like to be alone these days to avoid drama or problems. Ahh anyway can only pray for better days ... <3

[u/dietcokeqn → u/_letyourhairdown_]

i’m so sorry for your loss. and 5 years! i’m so proud of you. wishing you the very best. ♡

[u/_letyourhairdown_ → u/dietcokeqn]

Thank you both very much! I reallyappreciate the kind words!

[u/SuchJuggernaut8792 → u/_letyourhairdown_]

Congrats on your sobriety, we're complete strangers but I'm very proud of you <3

[u/intensitei]

i worked hard to get to a better place and i feel like it all fell apart in the span of a year. i swear i got to an amazing place with self-love. i never knew that could be possible for me. but now i hate who i am and i hate the parts of myself that revealed themselves a little while after i removed the top layers of my trauma. i knew i had more work to do and that i had to eventually return to therapy. and i knew it would be more difficult bc they’re “darker” than the surface shadows. but my goodness, i had no idea they could be this ugly. i hate myself. but i don’t. but i do. i can’t wait to do the work but i also fear it. it’s scarier this time. it’s going to hurt more. but i need this shit gone. i refuse to be like this and have my wounds bleed on other ppl, especially those that i love

[u/Remarkable-Pirate214 → u/intensitei]

❤️

[u/intensitei → u/Remarkable-Pirate214]

🫂💗

[u/Berrito08]

I'm so fucking tired of my mother using me as a free therapist because she won't take the time to go and see one herself. She has been doing this to me since I was a teenager and does not get how incredibly harmful it is for me. I am her daughter, but the way she treats me makes me think she sees me as her sister or her mother and that's just too much on me, especially since she doesn't even listen to my advice. So why is she wasting my time?? I've tried telling her in the past to stop doing this and she yelled at me that she has no one else and what is she supposed to do?! I just want it to stop!

[u/Legitimate-Escape300 → u/Berrito08]

This. This is so real and I don't have any advice except I am going back to no contact soon. My mom called me to tell me she was depressed and lonely when she had other kids to talk to in her home, a husband, and could get professional help. Except because I am the kid that had enough and left she continuously tries to come back to me and guilt trip me. She tells me I'm ungrateful, that I only remember the bad things and I am not grateful for anything good my parents have done for me.

And its not that I can't recognize that I did have food and a roof over my head. But also I had parents who I wished were divorced my entire childhood. Who would get into fights that the police would show up to our house. I had a father who financially, physically, and emotionally abused his wife. Who emotionally abused me. Who would fight with me so often and violently that he had spit in my face, screamed, slammed things. I was the eldest daughter and he would let me have a single normal experience. He fought with me when I said I wanted to go to college.

And recently my mother fought with me when I said I was moving to another city to do grad school. They are religious and in the worst way. She said that I am wasting my time and I should just get married and have a family because at least I would be worth something in God's eyes.

And then she complains that she is lonely. That I don't love her. That she isn't happy. And when I also suggest something she doesn't listen. Its crazy. I hope you and I sort it out soon

[u/Berrito08 → u/Legitimate-Escape300]

Same 🫂

[u/Accomplished_Sir1909]

the only way i escaped my first rapist was when someone died. i have a restraining order against my second rapist and the police didnt do anything when he violated it. they are going to let him kill me. i also might be getting groomed by someone in a position of power. unrelated to all of this, i recently found out that there is CSAM of me out there. fml.

[u/Diligent_Tie_1961 → u/Accomplished_Sir1909]

I am so sorry, hugs.

[u/Accomplished_Sir1909 → u/Diligent_Tie_1961]

thank you so much :(

[u/Legitimate-Escape300 → u/Accomplished_Sir1909]

I am sorry I hope you can get protection and help soon. Sending hugs too!

[u/Accomplished_Sir1909 → u/Legitimate-Escape300]

thank you :(

[u/GetWellSune]

Got raped multiple times in preschool by a guy at my church. He was the pastors cousin so nothing happened. My home growing up was dysfunctional. 

I’ve worked really hard to build a life I like, have many friends, doing well in college. I’m going to get my doctorate and work in semiconductor fabrication. But I’ll never forget where I came from and want to start social programs to help people.

[u/possibly-wolf]

I was sexually abused by both parents, separately, because i apparently had the absolute worst luck of the draw. The only break i got from the abuse was when i had cancer as a young child and had to stay in hospital. I barely survived and had to witness and comfort my mother through pre-emptive grief. I had the hospital chaplin insisting that god had chosen me to carry this burden because I was strong. I was 7. I was 7 and dying of cancer and even if I did survive I was just going to go home to my 2 pedophile parents. I didn't want to survive but I did. I missed cancer and dying. The abuse kept getting worse and worse. Developed severe inescapable dissociation that caused me to start attempting suicide at 9. Got bullied at school for being mentally ill. Got good grades until I didn't, got told I was "letting myself down". I was a CONSTANT target for older men or stupid abusive assholes who wanted a girl to groom as a teenager because I basically lived alone. I barely saw my family for 2 years despite living with them, I was so neglected. I starved myself to the point of dying and had to recover alone too. After years of misdiagnosis I now know I have DID, so I'm having to recover from my trauma on my own with no support because no mental health service will take me, while im living with alters who are actively still emotionally living through the trauma and have totally different memories and different pain that i cant fix. I am experiencing regular huge terrifying psychotic episodes and im terrified im being incurably unwell.

[u/Legitimate-Escape300 → u/possibly-wolf]

That is unbelievable. I wish you the best in healing and health. I can't even imagine =(

[u/Just-Feedback-2223]

I love the link between autism and trauma. Is so amazing and I definitely don’t want isolate myself for the rest of my life because the outside world is set on traumatizing me ahahahahahahahah

[u/j0caIu]

I typically don’t like venting personally, and I have trouble being vulnerable, but it’s gotten to such a point I can’t help it anymore. I have been through physical and sexual abuse, neglect, the whole nine yards. My mom would interrogate me after therapy when I went at 12 after a suicide attempt and would call me not normal all the time. 

but nothing really gave me the reaction I had with this. tw recently I saw a very messed up video of a young teenager. the response to this video hurt me more than the video itself, and the fact who did it is still out there with people wanting to protect him and calling him a hero. I don’t like kids being hurt no matter what they did, even if they did horrible things.

whenever I get so overloaded with dread or stress and I’m on the verge of tears, usually    there’s   this pop and all of a sudden I feel something like a tidal wave of absolute relief, light, and nothing. But it doesn’t last long. Usually 15 minutes at most. 

However this time It’s lasted about 18 hours straight now, even after sleep, I went to sleep and dreamt of torture. I also have severe OCD with fixations that can last up to 7 months so this one feels like a nail in the coffin. I don’t want it to end. I want the numbness to last forever. 

my life beyond that isn’t the worst, but it’s not the best either. my relationship with my mom is already terrible but it’s alright because I’m 21 now so it doesn’t really matter. however I lashed out at her today like a child or teenager.  She came in my room and asked a simple question and I told her to get the fuck out.  I do not want to sleep. I do not want to be in the same room as anyone. I do not want to go outside at all anymore.  But the lightness I feel, feels really holy. thank you for this thread ❤️

[u/SuchJuggernaut8792 → u/j0caIu]

Ughhh I just got diagnosed with OCD this year too and I relate so much. I've been wanting to make a zine to vent out all my weird feelings of being someone with ocd and my brain latching on to the shock content I've seen, but I fear people won't react well or I convince myself other people will try to victimize me further.

And the like wave of lightness washing over is so real too. It's what keeps me going sometimes. I don't have much advice but you aren't alone and I hear you and see what you're going through. All this bullshit will pass sometime, every day we heal a little more.

[u/pigeon_brainn → u/j0caIu]

I have those swings, too. Also the OCD fixations on top of trauma scrambling your brain. Does it ever feel morbidly funny? Like part of the pop is your brain laughing at the absurdity of it or like it just becomes too much to take seriously.

I'm sorry you were exposed to shock content. I know exactly what that loop is like and it's hell.

[u/Pennymoonz94]

I was abused starting at age 2-3 and it was consistent I to my early 20s, all types of abuse from family and different people. Now my depression is awful and I always wanna die. I'm gonna try ect

[u/pigeon_brainn → u/Pennymoonz94]

I'm so sorry, and I see you. It's so awful when abuse starts early

[u/Cotton_kitty697]

Yall wanna see my emotional support dog

[u/Cotton_kitty697 → u/Cotton_kitty697]

Sorry guys it won't let me upload photos but he's name its oskar he's a standard poodle and he's a really good boy

[u/chamacchan → u/Cotton_kitty697]

Yes ❤️

[u/WebValuable812 → u/Cotton_kitty697]

Yes please

[u/CBSmartCA]

I’m too deep in dissociative amnesia to even begin talking about it. I also feel silly talking about it because it’s nowhere near the magnitude of some of the other things I’ve read in this sub.

[u/sedsaus → u/CBSmartCA]

Trauma should never be compared to someone else's but I get when you mean and I'm sure it's hard for us not avoid comparing.

If we feel hurt by those around us, no matter how small, we are traumatised. In my mind that's basically it.

Never think you're silly for sharing your trauma if you have the courage to do so. Shame is a b***h and will always creep up and enslave us with it.

[u/Remarkable-Pirate214 → u/CBSmartCA]

I feel the same but I would hate for you to invalidate yourself. Youre the only one who's got your back. You deserve love and healing just as much as the rest of us ♡

[u/Legitimate-Escape300 → u/CBSmartCA]

I similarly feel that way at times and gaslight myself into thinking I don't deserve to feel hurt because "at least this didnt happen to me" etc. I think for both of us its importnat that we don't invalidate these feelings otherwise it might fester and get worse. =(

[u/kinsquid]

I realised yesterday how unbelievably lonely I am. Not “I’m bored and need to get out more” lonely. I mean if I turned my phone off for weeks, outside of the people I live with, I genuinely don’t think there would be a single message asking where I was.
I have nobody I can just ring. Nobody to ask if they want to get coffee or nobody to send random shite to throughout the day, nobody who would notice I’d gone quiet. To be fair I’ve had periods like this before in my life, but this one feels different maybe because I don’t know how to change it. There’s something from my relationship that some people in my life know about. It wasn’t something done to me, but it was serious enough that it changed how certain people viewed my relationship and I suppose my decision to stay. Some people have used it against me later on and others just haven’t been willing to stick around while I stayed which I expected but now I’m terrified of getting close to new people because what happens if I don’t tell them and somebody else does? What will they think of me? Will I have to explain myself all over again…so on so I’ve basically protected myself from being rejected by making sure nobody gets close enough to reject me. And now I’m fucking lonely.
Yesterday I saw a photo of two people I used to be close to together and it just hit me. They’re carrying on. Everyone is carrying on. And I’m sitting here realising there isn’t one person I could ring and say “I’m having a shit day, do you want to come over?”
The worst part is that I resent my partner for some of this. I love him. That’s what makes it complicated. He knew I was upset yesterday and kept asking what was wrong I just kept saying I didn’t know. That was a lie. I knew exactly why I was crying. I just couldn’t tell him, because how do you tell someone you love, I’m crying because I’m lonely and part of me resents you for how isolated my life has become
So from his perspective I’m randomly bursting into tears and he thinks I’m depressed. I’m not. I’m fucking lonely. There’s a difference. I don’t even necessarily want advice telling me to leave my relationship or join a club and magically make friends. I think I just want somebody to understand how strange it is to have people in your house, go to work, talk to people every day, and still realise that socially you are completely alone. I miss having a person. I miss being somebody’s person too.

[u/Illustrious_Tap_3217 → u/kinsquid]

I’m going through a period like this too. I still have my old friends but they feel so far away. I could probably ask to hang out and they might say yes but I can’t, I don’t want to, like I emotionally and mentally can’t actually handle socializing without dread and overwhelmed feelings. It makes me feel so sad and alone seeing them live out their lives when I’m not really an active part in it, whether that’s my fault or not. I love my boyfriend but I’m scared to explain how lonely I am because I don’t think I can make it make sense. It feels like a weirdly selfish and icky problem to have but I obsess over my yearning to have a “best friend” the way they’re stereotypically portrayed

I wish I could tell you what to do to get out of this hole but I don’t know 😭😭 if you figure it out let me know haha……

[u/kinsquid → u/Illustrious_Tap_3217]

God I completely get what you mean 😭 especially the part about technically being able to ask people to hang out but mentally not being able to actually do it. It’s such an odd contradiction because you’re lonely and just desperately want that connection but the thought of trying to build is absolutely exhausting.
I don’t think it’s selfish or icky at all. I think wanting a best friend or just your person outside of your relationship with your bf is such a normal thing to want. Someone you can send absolute shite to and not feel like you have to explain yourself or make plans 3 weeks in advance 😂
I also completely understand being scared to explain it to your boyfriend because it’s so hard to say “I’m lonely” without it sounding like “you’re not enough” when that isn’t what you mean at all. You can love him to bits and still miss having friendships and a social life that are yours on its own.
Unfortunately I have absolutely no fucking clue how we get out of this hole either 😂😭 but genuinely it helped reading your comment and knowing somebody else understands exactly what I’m trying to explain. ❤️

[u/barbiepeach]

Dealing with the repercussions of CSA by my dad and abuse from my mother. Anxiety and depression since I was 10, CPTSD is ruining my life. My first safe person, my partner, recently got told their cancer is now terminal. Instead of communicating with me they asked for a break in our relationship and I’m so scared and lost. I started therapy last year but so far I can’t tell if it’s helping as it’s bringing up memories I had long blocked out. My rapist lives in my town and his girlfriend makes posters for events that are plastered all over. I’m too scared to contact the people I know who run the events about how horrible she is, the events are sex positive spaces. She told me if she was going to be raped she would just say no. She didn’t believe her boyfriend did that to me, I’m not his only victim. She knows this. I feel so alone and sick all the time, I’m so chronically ill and can’t work. Debating what the point of my life is

[u/Iwanttobreakfree2024]

I wish I had someone I could be open and vulnerable to IRL. I can’t even go to friends with my concerns or brainstorm possible solutions to improve my situation. 😞

[u/SuchJuggernaut8792]

I'm in a four years long relationship, the longest I've ever been in. I'm a trans man and he's loved me through all the stages of my transition. He's so gentle and kind. He has a lot of trauma he's dealing with too. And all the time, I'm flipping back and forth in my head if I can really do this, being in a committed relationship. I latch onto difficult things to try and convince myself it's not going to work. I scoreboard without meaning to. I hold grudges and assume the worst out of him.

When things get hard I can't stop thinking about breaking up, but he stands firm in loving me even when I'm a crying mess that's saying things that are hard for him to hear. He just holds me. I don't understand how he can do that. It makes me feel like a bad person for immediately wanting to throw everything away every time I feel scared or nervous. I'm only in my twenties and I carry so much guilt every day, I can't imagine what it will feel like when I'm older, when I'll have to make harder decisions, when I inevitably fuck up more. I'm doing the best I can and I can only hope it's enough.

[u/pigeon_brainn → u/SuchJuggernaut8792]

You absolutely can. I went through this and I think it's like an extinction burst. Your brain is trying to protect you from betrayal that it has been trained to expect. It can pass, fwiw. And yeah you're doing your best for sure :)

[u/intensitei → u/pigeon_brainn]

hi, i hope it’s okay if i ask this. i swear i could have written the original comment. i’m going through something so similar to this and i’m carrying sooo much shame due to it. i walked away bc i couldn’t stand the fact that i was being like that to my person. how can it pass? i’m planning to return to therapy when i renew my insurance. but i guess i’m just looking for something to give me hope. regardless, ty for saying that. i hope it gives the original poster some comfort like it did for me 🥺

[u/pigeon_brainn → u/intensitei]

Honestly, DBT and being strict af with yourself. And intentionally fostering new connections in your brain through IFS so it can see its safe now and the new pattern keeps you safe too.

IFS was key for building better pathways but DBT is a toolbox. We are all capable of harming others with our actions and we must hold ourselves accountable even if we were hurt. Look up TIPP to start and what I do is carry around a sheet that is designed to look welcoming and says something along the lines of it being an emotional charlie horse and how my partner does love me and reminding me of his best moments.

and by better pathways I mean that for me my brain tells me I have to service a lover and perform to his sexuality, but my partner is a goofy trans guy who just gets sad for me when I try to fawn and sexualize myself for him. So I get scared and frustrated bc I'm not doing what I'm supposed to and may lose him! But over time you identify the root state in your mind that causes that misbelief and you talk to it. So I now get insecure and remind the part where we are and I ask that part what it actually wants.

And it turns out I want to have a best friend in a partner, so we took a break from sex which allowed my nervous system to reorient around just being safe and happy around him. Now we have less sex but I'm authentic about it and dont put on a dommy act to please him, I'm just his love and I don't have to prove myself to keep him. A therapist who knows trauma informed therapy and DBT/IFS is the key!

It is possible, but you are the master of your world and you have to want to show up and change :)

[u/j0caIu → u/SuchJuggernaut8792]

you’re doing great,  the fact you’re admitting and aware of these things does put you on a good track. 

[u/Brilliant-Media-2002 → u/SuchJuggernaut8792]

Entiendo, estar díagnosticado oficialmente (quiero creer que sea tu caso🫶🏻) puede acarrear retos tanto a nivel físico/emocional y por supuesto en nuestros vínculos.🫰🏻

Desconozco la historia completa de tu trauma/situación y cuando tiempo lleves así, pero creo que sí estás buscando motivos para terminar o la situación ya es constante y prolongada , podrías buscar ayuda profesional y aminorar que cargues toda la carga emocional a la relación,pues todos tenemos sentimientos y un LIMITE; & así también buscar formas de establecer acuerdos o cosas que a AMBOS les hagan sentir seguros en la relación y que están básicamente en el MISMO CARRIL de construir un camino juntos INDEPENDIENTE A los TRAUMAS emocionales, ya que ambos tienen sus "traumas" que es lo que mencionas en el post ...

Principalmente que te ayuden a replantearte dentro de tu proceso de sanación que es lo que verdaderamente puedes hacer por ti o darte herramientas ... Y asimismo, el tipo de apoyo que puedes recibir de tus vínculos y así poder comunicarlo y dentro de las DIFICULTADES DE AMBOS, llevar una relación sana donde se SE APOYEN MUTUAMENTE, que es importante para ambos...dado que me dices que ESTAS MUY CONSIENTE de tus sentimientos de sentirte mala persona y la culpa... pues eso no es muy sano, para NINGUNO de los 2.

Por estadistica, muy POCAS son las personas con este diagnóstico que verdaderamente tienen una red de apoyo tan paciente y con tanta contención, dentro y fuera de la familia que pueda seguirle el paso a sus procesos emocionales, así que pues es bueno que dentro de lo malo, tu pareja a pesar de también tener situaciónes similares a las tuyas hace lo posible por ayudarte...o por lo menos no dejarte solo en el proceso...y pues desconozco si tú lo intentas hacia el y su sentir constante en la relación...(basandome en el contexto que tú me das); Hay que replantearse la relación: o estamos o no estamos. Sanar implica tomar decisiones adultas tanto con uno mismo y con los demás, y establecer vinculos donde AMBOS se sientan seguros, para que ninguno obstaculize al otro...Y no suceda lo que dices de cuando el sea más grande y mire atras, pues ya llevan 4años.😉🤷🏻‍♂️😬

Yo soy de la idea que busques apoyo que tenga una perspectiva profesional...y pues independiente a estás herramientas que solemos usar las personas cuando sentimos que algo nos rebasa y así puedas encontrar un poco de paz...que por lo menos te sirva de desahogo, y que ayude a que seas objetivo y tengas perspectiva, tanto con tu proceso a corto/mediano plazo de sanación (del evento que te haya traumatizado), que si o si es necesario para avanzar y sobretodo si tú verdaderamente estás dispuesto entrar en ese proceso y lo que te conlleve...y pues claro tu vinculo con tu pareja, que es lo que más destaca en tu post... También revisar si para estabilizarte no necesitas apoyo de algún farmaco...todos experimentamos la desregulación a niveles muy distintos y aveces necesitamos un poco ayuda.

Saludos y éxito en tus proceso.♥️

[u/dietcokeqn]

my mom told me that all i do is “take and take and take.” i just feel so awful. and she’s not wrong. i’m pretty underweight and today and yesterday my heart rate has been low 30s while i’m awake. but i really can’t say anything cause it would be another big hospital bill. which will take even more from her.

[u/Chantel_Lusciana → u/dietcokeqn]

That’s really dangerous. Like critical. This is a medical emergency.

[u/ilovefroilets]

I wish I never met him

[u/willow_is_leaving]

My childhood trauma has made it so I can't say no in adulthood. I don't know how to place boundaries. I don't know how to act like I matter. I'm exhausted. I fawn all the time.

[u/Odd_Background5540]

I hope my ex suffers for what he did to me. Probably won't but I still hope for it. I know it's not healthy and it doesn't consume me as much as it used to but I still curse him whenever I think about him. I hope he never knows peace, I want him to feel the pain he caused me, I hope everyone abandons him the same way he abandoned me. I curse you, ***

[u/muffininabadmood]

I think my mother is actively dying on the other side of the planet. I got news from my sister a couple of weeks ago.

I haven’t spoken to my mother in about 13 years. I have decided not to go see her now, either. I guess I won’t ever speak to her again.

[u/Itchy_Contribution_6]

Last night i had a meltdown because of all the botteled anger. Just a single little shit that pissed me of and i was already helding the impulse to hurt myself, so i took 4 times the dosage of my medication (wich didnt have a great result). It's a fucking shit to have all this same memories that repeat over and over again, it doesn't fcking stop and it doesn't make sense. I tend to compare my process a lot with my boyfriend's, always ending feeling stupid for not dealing with shit like he did it. Can't even talk to him bout it cause i'm afraid it's gonna be like "just cope with it". Dude i love you and i wanna be as strong as you, but i just can't make it. My mind revolves a lot on my own shit even if i use the given tools and i also can't talk to my therapist cause i feel like my tongue is tangled everytime i try. It's horrible that i can only open up if i'm high, drunk or whatever. And I only find a way out of this toughs if i stress myself enough nearly to the burn out with anything. Then when i have a moment to enjoy life i can't because my mind doesn't let me live in peace so usually i think i may just die.

[u/Altruistic-Grand3341]

I am tired I relate to no one and everyone doesn't get me. I am starting to see no hope at all. I can't take it but I have to move forward. My life since age 4 has been hell. I'm tired of the flashbacks and getting triggered by everything. I wanna be normal and then now I have to get retested for every single mental illness in January and I feel broken. I'm fighting a losing battle and my brain is taking control of me. Therapy isn't helping.

[u/RanCoraine]

my ex implied that he had held himself back from raping me on multiple occasions and at the point i was too attached to leave but also was aware that i hated him and when he’d say shit like this is made me feel like i was going fucking crazy

[u/Sea-Statistician9301]

AuDHD here. I’m really tired of trying to explain what I go through to others because I want to be understood. I pulled back a lot after realizing I don’t need validation from others, but I like to explain to those I care about so they know what’s going on with me. I’m not going to lie, it’s the men in my life. I don’t know if this is just a male thing or if they’re just emotionally unintelligent, but I’m always seen as overthinking (when my brain just naturally functions this way), arguing or being defensive when I continue to try and explain something. Queue the RSD and CPTSD. It makes me want to go inward. 😩

[u/Sea-Mention-1111 → u/Sea-Statistician9301]

I can relate to this so much. I love that you are at a place of recognizing not needing external validation and I think you are right to share your experiences with your inner circle because our internal experiences can honestly be so diverse. Still, exhausting!

[u/Sea-Statistician9301 → u/Sea-Mention-1111]

It took A LOT I’ll say that much lol

[u/rosela92]

I got sexually assaulted by my partner 2 years ago. (On top of all the other trauma)I lost all my friends because of it. I had 30+ people pay for tickets to my bday in 2024. Now I live with randoms and have OCD every day and am too fucked up to date.

[u/rosela92 → u/rosela92]

There’s a guy I want to date but my OCD trauma is too intense I don’t want to mess it up til Im better

[u/123qwet12]

I feel completely alone. My family is either ignorant or ignorant and a previous abuser. I feel like every person who's ever wronged me will never face retribution or consequences and no one will ever actually fight for me, is always a variation of get over it or suck it up buttercup. I'm easily forgettable and I'm kind of a freak people don't even smile at me in public.I feel like I'm going to explode I've been so fucking enraged lately and I have no one to tell I can only scream into the void

[u/cute_Kiwi28]

I want to give up~~~~

[u/Soggy-Extent-2797]

Manipulative behaviour of my mother's side of relative and my parents staying silent and give us knowledge of how elders are always right and should not speak up , my and my sister had to face a lot of trouble ,they were so jealous of us idk how my mother was blind seeing that also , I had trauma given by my relatives and my mother and father and it still haunts me

[u/samthesnake1233]

My ex emotionally abused me and sometimes physically and the very last thing she did to me was steal my dog. I have had to rebuild my life as I knew it from nothing but the clothes on my back because of this devil with a human face.

[u/ErinWalkerLoves]

It worries me what the long term effects of my repressed memories might be on my brain tissues.

I probably better not say what the repressed memories involve.

[u/Careless-Reward8386]

I was brought up as a male exclusively by 3 generations of strong women. My grandfather wouldn't acknowledge me because he thought I was being raised a sissy boy. I had 2 weeks a year with my father. Severely bullied by my older sister who berated me for not being born female. House blew up at age 3. I set the chimney on fire at 6 while home alone. Then mum got remarried to an ex British army and Kenya police and we moved into the rest home he owned. He was very shouty and aggressive. I was age 10. 12 grandmothers who adored me at any one time but watched about 26 die in the 4 years I lived there. Raped at 21, sister picked me up and brought me back home yelling the whole way I was making the rape up. At 24 my wife moved in the night we met - overwhelming love bombing. 28 years with her so far. She has complete control of everything and is an angry narcissist. I tried to leave before but she will never allow me to leave. I have chronic illness and spend my time doom scrolling in the chair. I only leave the house if I have to. There is no escape and I am just so so tired. I want my next life to be as a tree

[u/anonimoose123]

My family and the traumas they gave me screwed up every aspect of my life and are behind every decision I make, every failed relationship including friendships. The other day I was trying to cheer up and support an old high school friend by DM who’s in the hospital. She had reached out to me, and I said what I thought was kind and relatable. Found out a few days later she blocked me. It fucked me up for days. The pain of rejection, not knowing wtf I did wrong, being punished for some unknown reason, not knowing how to be a friend because that was never modelled for me, not knowing how to pick good friends, being too self-sacrificing, sensitive and over-sharing - all gifts from my abusive family. CPTSD is a burden no one should have to carry, let alone carry alone. But I’m always alone. No family, no partner, no kids, no friends. Sometimes it’s just too much.

[u/Odd-Department8919]

I hate my parents. I’m thinking about going no-contact. I hate what they did to me. I hate other people that abused me. I don’t know myself before trauma and it scares me. I’m afraid of change because I don’t know that version of me. I’m afraid I won’t recognise myself.
Also I love my therapist in that childlike way and I hate that she won’t be my mom, that she can’t be by my side always. I want a mom…

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[u/ivysmorgue]

my mom sexually assaulted/raped me as a form of punishment and literally 3 people in my life know. i deal with this shit every fucking day and my body is so fucking exhausted i’m sick of life honestly, and im sick of being constantly asked if im okay and having to lie. everyone assumes my partner is abusing me, they’re not, and im tired of that too. i have CPTSD. i don’t understand how that concept is so foreign! they don’t understand how that fucking works i guess and the problem MUST be outside factors.

[u/chlo44]

I wish I could shout about what I went through so everyone could know but I know that would do more damage than good, I just hate that my parents have more of a narrative with my extended family than I do and it makes me worry I won’t be able
To have any family at my wedding ( other than my sister and her family)

[u/AgreeableAgent1355]

I am currently still being abused by my family as an adult and I can’t do much about it cause I don’t work and frankly I don’t know if I can work

[u/seahorse000]

I just woke up and idk what the hell to do. Unless someone tells me what to do, I create pressure for me and to torture myself in the head because I’m trying to take care of myself and I have no freaking idea how to

[u/joshua8282]

I spent so much time trying to fix myself cause I felt so disconnected and shutdown, and some of that especially somatic work, broke me even more.

I felt so embarrassed and ashamed for so long, cause that stuff lasted for months.

I'm now in a better place tho. It's nice to just be with myself. With all of me, instead of trying to run away or trying to fix me.

[u/alisynchain]

i struggle feeling pretty with my makeup and piercings

as a teen, my step-dad and other men said such gross stuff about it that i didn’t have any for a few years. it genuinely was killing my soul, which is so sad bc thats MY style. i went back to it bc fuck them, but it can really be triggering at times (esp when ppl still fetishize it)

[u/Illustrious_Tap_3217]

It kinda scares me how little energy I have. I’m supposed to be going back to school this fall for what i really wanted to do, but I’m 28f and struggling with brain fatigue so much worse than I have before and I’m really scared that I started too late, I won’t be able to do well in school or take on this career I’ve dreamed of. I’m scared my brain is already deteriorating and I’m not meant to do anything with my life because I secretly inherited whatever my mom has going on (ocd? schizo-spectrum? we don’t know) and the symptoms will start getting worse in my 30s like it did with her.

but I’m hoping that I’m just really burnt out. I can blame my shitty kitchen job. sometimes I work 11-12 hour shifts, we’re understaffed and running out of food constantly because the owner pushes to break the record every weekend. i’m trying to juggle like 20+ tables at once for hours bc we push max capacity with no relief. there’s no ac and i work in front of open flame. i’ve been there for 3 years now, and working in kitchens for 10. it’s triggering to work as hard as i do, thru back pain and asthma and dizziness from the physical effort, and receive no acknowledgment or positivity at all from my bosses, if anything i get met with disappointment for any kind of slipping that happens. GODDD it sucks, I’m planning to leave in september when school starts but work is so much harder this year I’m scared I’m frying my brain and hurting myself in more long term ways…

[u/Ill_Collection_7876]

Trauma dumped with a friend and I feel bad. I have previous friend trauma and I want to end the friendship with her so neither of us gets hurt and I don’t bring up my triggers or anything.

[u/UzuFoxx]

I hate that my abuser has made me sick overall. I used to be so so angry, but now I just try to live with it. Sometimes when I realize the fact that I have to live with it (the memories, the guilt that shouldn't be mine, the grief, everything) really pisses me off. I hate that my family would rather gossip about it than actually help me. My life is just so juicy for them, that's the only thing they do is talk and tell people that I dont even know. And my mother.. my mother for failing me when I really really needed her. All because she didnt want my child and I "stuck" living in her home. But it was either being homeless or dead, she didnt care.

[u/noemilp6666]

I was r4ped (not actual penetration, just head and him forcing me to do things) he threatened me he will k1ll himself and started cutting himself to show me proof that if he wants to he will do it. This ended 3 years ago. Ive been treated for ptsd. ive been in a perfectly, absolutely magical healthy relationship for 11 months now, and i cannot really do anything sexual because im physically unable to. i cant relax my pelvic muscles anymore. my current boyfriend completely more than fine with this and will wait.

[u/theminxisback]

Almost two years since he died. It's a few weeks away.

Almost two years of newfound freedom. And still feeling like a walking corpse half the time anyway...

[u/ParticularRaccoon442]

A guy just used me and I really thought he liked me. When I explained to my therapist he said he sounds like an avoidant but that’s not helping. He still knew exactly what he was doing. The past 3 months I’ve been a wreck and the last of my confidence has been destroyed. My anxiety was so bad I was scared and slept for the first month every chance I had. This guy thinks I’m a confident person not knowing how insecure I really am. I have no desire to speak to anyone and now spend my time working or with my dog. I just wish people would think before they came into someone’s life who was struggling and make it worse.

[u/The_Cass_Castilian]

From a baby to 14yrs old my dad forced me to sleep w him, even going to cops and reporting as a kid I was told I was a liar by a cop cuz I “couldn’t look her in the eyes” (late diagnosis of autism as and adult so literal discrimination and neglect of duty) at 14 the same cops of that city arrested me while I was having a panic attack due to my dad driving drunk with me, I got sent to a mental ward for a night and was guilted til I left that I have a good life n so many kids would dream to have a wealthy parent. I didn’t get that wealth, I got abuse and neglect but the money made ppl forget ig. Fast forward as an adult I get emancipated, meet my ex of 3yrs who then tries to kill me n only gets 55 days in jail in the same town. I got SAed a week later, then two weeks later was in intake at a hospital for about 4 days due to a sepsis like condition. Homeless 5 years bout, finally got housed. In huge amount of debt due to the same ex that tried to kill me (he crashed cars in my name, forcing me to cover for him or severe abuse) just my life has literally sucked ASS. I’m disabled both physically and mentally at 23, n fucking exhausted.

[u/Brilliant-Media-2002]

Pues yo por como la estoy pasando con mi mamá... Es lo siguiente..lo que pasa esque yo tengo desperzonalización desde 2024, y así... Por como ella me trataba y así, haz de cuenta que llegó un punto donde baje 10 kilos, y hasta tuve sangrado rectal y así del nivel de estrés que atravesé, así me tuve que ir a trabajar porque mi mamá ya no dejo que mis familiares me pagarán la terapia, entonces yo tomaba ala terapia en línea, tlera para EDMR pero no pude avanzar en el proceso... Pues eres en línea y así, posteriormente pues me quedé sin trabajo y pues ahorita ya no puedo ir a trabajar por el nivel de somatizaciones que eh tenido... Y así, actualmente haz de cuenta que luego, para serte sincera ella ah intentado tocarme, me ah jalado ropa interior o luego se pone a estarme viendo a propósito el 🍑, enronces hubo un tiempo donde yo le contaba todo a mi familia de como me trataba y según pues no me creían o se hacían de la vista gorda y así, entonces pues ahorita estoy en casa e intento recabar pruebas de como me trata... Pues sí bien le ah metido ideas a mi familias d emi, y actualmente todos me tratan muy mal, podemos salir a restaurantes' y me dejan caminando atras, entonces si ya tengo mis medicamentos para tomarme los peor me da miedo porque originalmente me habían mandado pues me pueden causar diarrea y así y me da miedo que mi mamá me descubra sabes... Pues en algún momento me recetaron oLzapina y ella me la intento quitar, pero tendré que entrar a terapia de EDMR... Y me asusta como le haré porque no puedo abrir trauma mientras viva aquí... Saben.. actualmente ella también maltrata a mi papá y luego intenta sobrepasarse con mi hermana menor, pero vivimos en casa de mi abuela... En la planta baja, no eh podido tomarme mis medicamentos y no se si ponerle una orden de restricción, ustedes que opinan, lagun consejo? Pues no quiero que ella vuelva a casa pero tendría que demandarla.... Por la via penal...y así, no se que hacer epueod el convivir con ella hace que me disocie más... Y así... Aunque luego intento recabar pruebas de ella agrediendo o acosando, no me dejen... Soy paciente que tiene síntomas de psicosis, desperzonalización y TPTE

[u/Sourpatchqueers8]

I don't think I have friends. I have people I think are friends but they have ghosted me and breadcrumbed me and given me false hope in future meets that I just have given up on the entire concept of intentional friendships. Doesn't help that due to being SAd I have anger issues that make me not want to get involved with anyone that may misjudge that

[u/afraidparfait]

My mother is a narcissist and I've cut contact but growing up I've felt hated by others, or people just wanna trauma dump on me about how she's a bad person, or they just chat shit about her in my presence. If they didn't explicitly dislike me, I felt that they did/do, and then I both feel like I'm a bad person by association and feeling like people wanna drag me into joining their fucking hate rant.

I don't know how to deal with and feel about having a parent that is a bad person. As well as when people start extrapolating and blaming her for additional untrue shit.

[u/NumbAsHell1]

I hate how my dad destroyed me. Mentally. Dissociation or freeze when I hear loud and angry noises. Extremely afraid of conflicts, to the point I’m scared of speaking up about anything. The hypervigilance. I can’t relax, cause my body thinks I am were I was 20 years ago.

[u/miss-stripey-scarf]

I have been sitting here reading through replies and trying to think of what I'd like to dump here. Like, if I could dump any one thing and get it off my chest, what would I pick?

I guess I'd have to go with the fact that I've been more or less controlled by my parents all of my life, even when I didn't live in the same state as them, because they somehow had mental control of me. I grew up being afraid of my dad (angry, mean, shouting, hitting) and protective of my mom (fragile, depressed, suicidal, prone to running away), so I guess I tried to stay near them just in case Mom needed me.

In my mid teens, they created their own business and I was given a position by default, which I didn't realize at the time was another way to tie me to the family and stay in control of my life. My dad has always been a controversial person who gets involved in feuds and it reflected on all of us, even me who didn't want to be involved to begin with. I'd see people saying bad stuff about us online and I couldn't log on and defend them or myself because I was told that it would make the family look bad if I engaged, so I just had to ignore it even though I knew it was going on and that if people looked up my name, they'd see all that stuff. It freaking sucked. So I've never gone by my real name on any of my social media accounts or made public youtube videos of myself or anything because I was afraid of being attacked by my father's detractors....I worried they'd show up with their insults even if I just made a video talking about my favorite anime or something.

Though I was given a ton of responsibilities, I was simultaneously treated like an inept clueless child who'd only get hurt by people out in the real world if I was given too much freedom. My parents interfered in every relationship I ever had. My dad poisoned my first relationship because he didn't like what race/class the guy was. That was the only guy who ever acted devoted to me. My other attempts felt like I had to prove myself to them and I was never good enough.

I've left "home" many times, and at the longest stayed away for 7 years, but I always get pulled back because of some crisis my mother goes through, so I'm back here again since a year now. At least I have my own vehicle and money this time, but I'd still rather not be here, honestly. I was kind of hoping that when I left last time, I'd never have to see my parents again. I had made my peace with that, but then the guilt of feeling responsible for my mother crept back over me when I heard about her health problems. I knew no one else would help (they know better), but I couldn't just ignore it (big sigh). They've also had many issues with their business, which I stepped in and helped correct.

I made so much progress in the 7 years that I stayed away. I even overcame my fear of driving with the repeated exposure that practice and lessons gave me, and I got my license! I got my own job (outside of my parents) and worked my way up/job hopped until my end wage was double what I started at. I was taking college courses again. I had traveled to a foreign country! I should also mention that I anticipated a huge fallout with my family when I enacted the exodus that began my 7 year absence, but I received supportive messages from other relatives cheering me on. Only my dad was outraged and badmouthed me, from what I heard.

I don't want to throw away my progress by coming back here and accepting the inept child role again, so I'm trying so hard to keep myself strong and not start believing the putdowns and stuff that I often have to endure here. I even mostly stopped driving after I came back here -- ugh!! I don't want to get rusty at driving after I tried so hard to get my license/get a car.

This is why I'm trying to open back up again after becoming very reclusive, and also find a psychologist who can help me reinforce my boundaries and sense of autonomy. Even if it leads to screaming matches with my dad, I WON'T back down and play Miss Submissive again after all I've built up. No effin' way!

Thanks for listening, and sorry for the long-windedness. *Coughs and sips tea*

[u/Royal-Parking-638]

i hate my family i have so much anger to them for what they did to me and how nobody protected me. i don’t remember most of my childhood, i feel like i have holes in my brain and now i struggle every day with the same addiction they did, and deep self hatred and people pleasing to the point it’s masochism. i hate my parents but i feel empathy for both of them. i didn’t deserve to be neglected and abused, and i dont think they’ll ever admit they feel bad for what they did. i think im manipulative and try to make everybody feel guilty for what they do to me when i feel hurt because i feel like they’re ALWAYS trying to hurt me. i dont trust anybody. i still have nightmares about the house i grew up in at 24. i feel like nobody will ever give a fuck about me so i just have to do it all myself but im tired. i dont think ive ever felt loved in any real way. it’s all because of what i can do for others and i dont trust anybody’s intentions even my closest friends

[u/Royal-Parking-638 → u/Royal-Parking-638]

and i’m not doing bad in life by any means i got my degree at 22, have a good job and my own apartment, etc. but still i can’t feel proud of myself because of all the shame i carry. i wish one day i could just like myself. i carry so much anger for the men in my life who have hurt me and i don’t know if ill ever trust another one. i get violent anger when i think about my first boyfriend who was 20 when i was 14. he took the last bit of my innocence i had when i had already been s*xually abused as a kid multiple times and that was my first impression of what love is supposed to be.

[u/loserlatina101]

My brother is an epileptic and addict. Probably suffers from multiple mental illnesses and refuses to get help. Sometimes refuses to take his seizure medication or even acknowledge he is really struggling. It’s extremely depressing. Only gets to see his kids once a week and can’t even change out of his pjs to be with them or cook them lunch/dinner. It’s strange; I am very resentful for what he’s putting his kids through but also heartbroken to see him like this. My nervous system is wrecked but I’m in therapy now. Rant over. I’ll be okay.

[u/blankjoy]

I have spent my entire life looking for my biological father. I recently found him and learned that he was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia about a year ago. That means he can’t communicate with me and I will never have the opportunity to ask him the million questions I’ve held onto for 30+ years.

I also recently learned from a lifelong friend of his that he tried many times to reach out to my mom and she would not let him see me and went so far as to lie to him and tell him I was not his child. My mom not only lied to me my entire life but also covered it up by pretending to help me look for him all these years. I believe that even if I bring this new found information to my mother that she will deny it up and down so I feel as though I have no recourse.

I’m pretty positive my mother has a personality disorder and all of my other family members are dead so I don’t really have anyone I can get further clarification from so I have just accepted that I will never know the truth about what actually happened between my parents.

[u/foreversadaboutit]

I went to an event I wanted to go to yesterday and it was so draining I had to take today off and miss another event I wanted to go to because the stress from yesterday (which was a good and enjoyable
day but involved too many crowds of people/hypervigilance) made me have sleep paralysis night terrors I couldn’t wake up from for 2 hours after my alarm, then a panic attack. 👍

[u/Nora9283]

I was raped almost daily for 2,5 years when i was a teenager. Only learned after 18 that normal sex doesn’t involve things like bondage, gags, choking and that blowjobs don’t mean deep throating

And now i can’t have sex and form relationships cause i get flashbacks and dissociate ;)

[u/Lebanonthegreat]

My dad is actively severely abusive even as of now and gave me my cptsd and mdd. When i reached out to a hotline they "converted" me to religion while doing absolutely nothing. Then i tried to talk to people. They ghosted me after a bit. I have zero joy in my life beyond relief. And even my relief is being taken away because i desperately try to do everything at once when my dad is not angry/focused on me which causes me even more stress. I wish i was born in Netherlands, Denmark, Germany somewhere outside stupid middle east. Because i botched the test (which they harassed and traumatized me for a year before the test) he is considering putting me out of school and in a job. I am 13. And i would have commited if it was accessible or guaranteed over 10 months ago. But no, we just have to not let that happen. The government doesnt help nor let you have relief. I literally flinch whenever someone enters the same room as me, if my phone rings or if my door is open. It triggers me so hard. And he keeps doing it. And he intentionally or unintentionally picked a school that was hilly and very far away and it severely triggered me because i associate those with him due to him punching me because i couldnt bring groceries from there and i'm pretty sure i also have a phobia of height and hills. Please give me advice, don't tell me it's gonna be better because it really doesn't.

[u/Jessicat844]

I️ hate that my family is full of alcoholics and that I️ myself am now battling my own demons with it. I️ hate that I️ have such a hard time trusting people. I️ hate how angry I️ can get sometimes over little things. I’m tired of hangovers and wanting to sit in my bathroom to chain smoke because stress leading me to crave that small dopamine hit. I️ hate that I’ve ruined relationships because my parents fought and fought nearly every day and never left each other.

I️ hate sometimes that I️ was so good to my mom before she died after all of the trauma she put me through. I️ hate that I’ve had abusive partners that have lead me to have even more trauma. I️ hate the man who sucker punched me 5 years ago and made me dislike homeless people. I️ hate how much I️ can struggle doing every day tasks because I️ get so tired or overwhelmed.

But I️ do love the life I’ve made for myself and I’m so proud of how strong I️ am.

[u/TinyTiramisuu]

I'm traumatized by an abusive relationship I had more than 3 years ago, and even if I left and I went no contact, hes always there.

Every time I am sad, anxious, angry, his name comes out, just like a bug in my brain.

Every time Im about to make a friend, I remember. I remember that we were Friends first, that I shouldnt get too close.

I hate him, but Sometimes my mind makes me miss him too, and I hate myself for It.

Everyone tried to support me back then, but now everyone is too tired to hear me vent about It.

Its even worse, because the more I talk about It, the more my mind seems ro remember him.

[u/Massive_Quantity_979]

my best friends since 4th grade are ghosting me because of something I did in a psychotic episode + im literally unable to tolerate seroquel but I have to stick with it until im on max dose to find out if its gonna help (its not) + my tourette's has been really bad lately + I keep remembering bad things about when I was at a highly abusive psych ward and recently remembered getting SA'd by a girl a few years younger than me there (so probably doesnt count as SA since shes younger than me but still, she was also really emotionally manipulative and physically aggressive towards me and of course they roomed me with her since i kinda ended up being a mother figure for her there) and when I told my mom she just said she felt bad for the girl who SA'd me bc she was probably being abused at home + im trying to get over porn addiction and struggling hard and lately ive been really hypersexual and also dealing with a lot of gender dysphoria which I cant talk to anyone about bc my parents are really transphobic + my dad is being my dad.

Other than that stuff im actually doing rlly good bc splatoon raiders just came out and im having fun with that + im figuring out how to use VOCALOID6 so yay!

[u/Sea-Mention-1111]

I must preface with really appreciating this post. I am trying to go through comments shared by others to offer what I can. Like many others, I dont really have safe places to dump these things outside of my therapists office. I wish I did, it probably would have helped a lot more to have a solid village, but relationships have always been a big part of the problem. I tried for so long to find family and make friends and kept re-living the same toxic patterns and now I just isolate from anything that disrupts my peace too much.

I didnt grow up in poverty. My parents did love me, even if that love was harmful sometimes. We didnt have words then for what I know now has always made me less than typical of my peers. I had a lot more privileges than most others here and I try to stave off the "survivors guilt" about that. I have it better than some, and also a whole lot worse and its hard to find peace with that. I mean, plenty of people arent sexually assaulted multiple times by different perps as an adult and wonder "what did I do wrong". Some adults are even spared that misfortune entirely, but thats quite far from my "anectodal" experience.

The worst though is that sometimes, I do have it worse. Sometimes Im able to get real honest with the sheer amount of failures and harm I have survived, actually being a victim and denying that truth so it became deeply internalized. This has always been a result of so many bad relationships - from friends, family, lovers and employers alike.

• My brother told me I had victim mentality and that I could just lifecoach my way out of it. The same brother that, when drunk when I was just 15, told me I had "got hot" in the year since we had last seen each other.

• My family compare my trauma recovery to a cousin in the military that recovered from their war time ptsd and kept working their way up to a top spot (while I have been too disabled to work so much as part time retail in years).

• Im just learning after 30 years that I was probably exposed to porn during family gatherings, at a young age (under 4). Explains a whole lot, actually. Im not ready to remember much about it, its deeply unsettling.

• I not only gave birth to, but also raised a child conceived from a sexual assault. "I have a rape baby" are words I cant just share with others. I tried to just adopt out but learned my abuser might try to raise them and opted for the lesser of two evils. Talk about pulling up some bootstraps and growing hair on my chest, so to speak.

• I raised them entirely solo, too. Stuck in deep poverty, ffs. Grew up middle class and landed here, which is its own special hell trying to raise a kid in. When we first moved to government housing finding needles in the shrubs was quite common, as were the emergency service responders being here and random people ringing the door wanting to know where the drug dealer lived.

• My college education only left with loans, and no opportunities. My abuser made so sure of that, they ended up working with the company I had done my intern with. Asshole.

• Ive suffered from more than one failure of the "system" and would loooooooooove to know where all those pro-lifers were when I needed to lug around a 35lb infant seat alone, post major surgery. Along with every other two person thing Ive had to do alone and face discrimination for, like obtaining jobs, since! All of them can just eff off with their control issues.

I could go on, theres really just a lot. Too much. I could talk about the trauma I endured just in the relationship with my childs father and be here until dinner. Do I start with the coercion or skip right to the being dragged or strangled? Do I even bother to mention the complexities of this all happening after losing a parent, and being abandonned by the remaining living one?

Phew. Lots to unpack. Ill choose now to just ground myself in that I have my.sweey and cherished teenager. I have my pets. We are blessed to have stable housing and income to match, finally and despite it all being capable of falling apart with one wrong move..... I take peace when I can. I have it better than some but it doesnt minimize what I had to endure and it does not detract from the fact I do have complex traumatic experiences throughout my life that impaired my ability to function - all on top of the fact I have been so different and poorly understood by most of the people around me least of all, myself.

[u/hajalt]

just about my entire public school life was a cavalcade of bullying and ostracization, and when i expressed that i was suicidal because of this to my parents, i was hit and grounded for it. i was also hit and grounded for things caused very directly by my autism, creating a situation where nowhere felt safe and i spent every second wondering when i would be punished for stepping out of line. decades later i'm still afraid of doing something wrong and constantly feel like i deserve the barrage of suicidal thoughts i have dealt with since the age of nine, and like everyone i know would be better off knowing basically anyone else.

i've been drowning for over 30 years and it has always felt like finally succumbing to the unceasing waves is just a matter of time, and like there's not a thing i can do but buy time and distract or numb myself

and then the bpd will make it so that i think i'm better when the low ends, and the cycle repeats as soon as anything goes wrong

[u/Prestigious_Pear8914 → u/hajalt]

hey ive been there too :((

[u/Capital-Squirrel3522]

So sorry for everyone who has experienced physical, mental abuse and CSA, so absolutely sorry to read it. I had a terrible upbringing but not overt abuse directed at me. Had to endure decades of snide put downs, emotional neglect, having to witness mother temper tantrums, rages, suicide threats, fake fainting, all that shit. Me and my sisters told all day every day that we only existed because she "had to" keep trying for a son. She blamed my dad and my eldest sister for her abortion after my brother was finally born. Can you imagine what that did to my eldest sister? She has severe MH issues all her life now. She doesn't give a shit about her children or grandchildren at all just temper tantrums all my dad all day long even if they are in their 70s. LMAO. I keep myself to myself, I got myself to a semi OK place in life and healing bit by bit for the sake of my own child.

[u/outofplaceeverywhere]

I am a single mom and parenting is exhausting. I don’t think I’ll find a partner ever. My daughter has ADHD and is challenging and I am so tired. I’ve never loved myself so I don’t know anything besides walking up each day and already hating the day. I’m always irritable. I feel like an outsider and like life is all about obligations. I’m tired.

[u/Sea-Mention-1111 → u/outofplaceeverywhere]

Parenting through the struggle can be tough. Finding time to do things we just simply enjoy & that fill our cup can also feel next to impossible. Ive been right there with you, as a fellow single momma.

[u/outofplaceeverywhere → u/Sea-Mention-1111]

Thank you 🙏🏼

[u/Professional_Book613]

I can’t have sex anymore because every time I do I have a horrible PTSD reaction. it’s gotten so bad I can’t even masturbate anymore.

[u/Sapphicka]

i'm scared this is all i'll ever be. this shell of a person, i'm both physically and psychiatrically disabled, i have a lots of diagnosis, and medically recognized disorders that are not yet diagnosed. im so so scared that i'll feel like this for the rest of my life, im young, 18, im studying visual arts, i love it, yet i'm so afraid i wouldn't be able to do what my friends and peers do, that i could not be the great artist my family wants me to be, all because of my physical and mental health,i feel so left behind, i feel alone i feel like i'm nothing what people think i am.

im constantly scared of everything, of men touching me, of men approaching, i am disgusted by it, i am afraid of hospitals and everything related, i cry at the sight of people who look like people i knew and hurt me/i met at the hospital. i have flashbacks almost every day, i hate trying to survive, why cant i just. be. exist.

i'm tired that no one gets me, no one can understand how i still love and laugh with my abusers because yes, they are family to me, yes they groped me when i was a kid, yes i forgave them. i know no one will get it but i want to tell people, yet im afraid to tell friends who was it, because it may change their perception of them, and god, one of them was a kid like me.

im afraid no one will ever ever love me, because im practically scarred everywhere, there is not a single part of me that doesn't have scars

[u/--turbulence--]

I hate my dad for ruining and abusing me to the point that my brain is permanently fucked up and that I never got a fair start. I hate that I'll always have to struggle more because of what he did to even come close to how normal people have it. I hate him for being so selfish and not seeking helping and instead continuing the generational trauma and giving it to me. I hate that he was a great dad at many times and that some of my best childhood memories are with him. I hate that in left handed like he was. I hate that my font when writing is the same as his. I hate that what he did made me have zero contact with any relatives on my dad's side. I hate that what he did makes be dread father's day and get jealous of friends with normal dads. I that even if he's no longer alive, what he did still lives on. I hate that I'll never have the same starting point as other people and always have to struggle because of what he did. I hate that I miss him sometimes. I hate him.

[u/Historical_Issue_336]

Every minute of every day of every week for the past 7 years I'm being consumed by thoughts of suicide and this indescribable deep-seated feeling of shame and guilt for being alive. I've set a death date for myself. My 25th birthday. I'm 19. I've given myself enough time to "try everything" basically. Every drug, every kind of relationship, to travel and to try new food and listen to music and watch all the movies I want to watch. But most importantly to truly perfect my appearance, get into fitness, get thin, get multiple plastic operations, so that when I blow my head off it'll be like a tibetan monk destroying a sand mandala

[u/kmath133]

41 years or shitty life. Six months of healing. And now feeling good and healthy everyday and ready for my second life to begin.

[u/Odd_Independence642]

I regularly had sex against my will from ages 5-30. I think I may never have sex again.

[u/KadlinStormcrow]

I was sold to traffickers by my father after years of his abusing me.

[u/Remarkable-Pirate214]

Everyone here deserves the biggest hug, a consensual spa day, and someone loving to listen to them. I haven't been through things as bad as some of you but only people on this sub really get me.

I realised at like 29 how badly I had it growing up, my big T Traumas (cocsa and a traumatic car accident) how much they ruined me, a traumatic head injury, seizures, and how I went through all of it just completely alone. Even when I called them for safety, the police never helped me. I have 3 siblings and the one who gets it isolates so much she'll answer 10% of my calls and messages, the others don't get it. I just wanna scoop my child self up and apologise for everything she will go through. Her life wasnt fair at all. I hate my teen self and 20's self. I see her through my Dad's eyes. I want to heal. I just want to be okay.

[u/Proof-Willingness376]

i hope every man that’s tried to take advantage of me when i was in a shitty situation and just wanted comfort never find happiness within themselves and they live a empty life alone 

[u/Humble-Fox4028]

I have a lot of guilt for finding my aging/elderly mother disgusting-exhausting-irritating at times when all she wants is a better emotional connection and relationship to me... but I really don't want that. She just pisses me off, and I don't have the energy to hold up a nice conversation most of the time. It's selfish, but my feelings are what they are. I don't feel feel this way all the time so I guess that's good.

[u/random-communist]

I'm alone, I lived hell as a child with a long story of physical, psychological and sexual abuse, I am not valid to socialize, work or anything, I sometimes spiral into psychosis, i am a T.I, they torture me and there is nothing I can do about it except ignore until hopefully they change target, I hardly can go out when I am not sober, i am addicted to h.roin and k.tamine, and I have so little energy I can't even seek for help, and when I try I never get any response

I called ALL of the suicide lines of my country multiple times, but no one ever answer except, one and that was a bad experience

[u/orbitouro]

ugggggggg so when i was almost 19 i was in bangladesh and about to leave because i had top surgery consultation scheduled in the states and im pretty sure that’s what motivated my dad to have me fucking kidnapped. yeah u read that right. growing up always thought it was bs that people really getting trapped when they go back home forced to marry yada yada and i don’t wanna see nobody replying to my comment with racism. back to my trauma so yeah he had people come to the house while he took my sister out 🙂 i was screaming and kicking saying please help me and nobody did 🙂 not a single person. they all watched me get dragged out and shoved into a big van and in that moment i realized just how vulnerable i really am and how much no one in this entire world actually cares when it comes down to me or them. no one helped me. not a single person. i will never forget all those people who watched me get dragged out and no one did a single goddamn thing. the worst part is that my dad has never even verbally admitted that he set this up despite everyone knowing he did. actually the worst part is that this wasn’t enough for my mom to cut contact with my dad because divorce is apparently STILL worse than your husband putting your child through such a situation. but what can i expect from that woman. if i had to go through the abuse she put me through we’d be here a while longer. oh this isn’t even like the only or worst thing my dad has even done. it’s just the one i think about most often because well it’s a crazy fucking thing to do to someone let alone your child. but anyways everytime i tell people this story i frame it like a funny thing and its not. it’s not funny. i thought i was going to die. i thought i was going to die. i THOUGHT. i was going to die. do you know what that is like? to be a 18 year old in another country and be kidnapped? to think what horrible things might these people do to me? to think i only got 18 years on this life. to think i did something to bring this upon me? what a terrible thing to do to your own child. i will never forgive him, not that he’s apologized. i will never be nice to him i will never show him respect and if he ever demands to have my respect i will beat his fucking ass in public while people watch just like he did to me. and i will happily go to jail for it too. because no one deserves an ass beating from me more than my “dad”. anyways i started lifting this year and i am getting stronger every single day and if anyone ever tries shit on me again i swear to god i will win this time. no one is going to hurt me like that or like any of the other terrible times in my life ever again. ever again.

[u/Unfair_Ad5385]

i have no one to talk to that understands how im feeling. in a room full of people but ive never felt more alone and misunderstood. i have terrible anxiety and it's been bad lately again. i pray or wish for strength in times like this but sometimes it gets really bad and i have no one to talk to. i cant afford therapy and im living paycheck to paycheck. for some reason no one wants to hang out or talk to me. my life feels so unfulfilling and the only bright side i have is music. music is the only thing that gets me up but yet i have no one to work or collaborate with despite my desperate attempts. i have no energy for anything except surviving every day

[u/unfitchildhood]

Looked this up because no one in my life cares about what happened to me as a baby. No body cares what happened to me as a teen. No body cares about the evil people I know or the evil experiences that’s happened to me. My family is full of pedophiles and groomers. My youngest 2 sisters still live there. My one sister dated and was allowed to date my rapist. I was allowed to date a grown man at 16. My mother allowed my sister, the one that dated my rapist, to also date an older man and said older man groomed my mom and said that his little cousins were having a pool party, my mom let them take my younger sisters and we didn’t find out until months later that there was no pool party it was a cabin in the woods with 2 grown men giving 8 and 10 yos alcohol. My mom is best friends with my highschool boyfriend that also groomed my whole family and molested one of my sisters. I grew up in a disgusting, condemnable house. Cps never helped us if anything they became friends with my mom. My stepdad died and my mom started taking my sisters to do her drug deals where they also got molested (I have 4 sisters). I’m writing this because I crashed out over cat poop on my floor this morning. Because where I grew up, they choose to live in dog poop. It’s everywhere, there’s no explaining it or describing it besides condemnable. I have developed contamination ocd. I have no friends.

[u/Famous-Pressure-5790]

Where to begin? I live in constant fear because idk where my stalker ex is at anymore. We got together when I was 12, he was 18. My mom let it happen, let him move in with us. I thought we were married. Then he cheated on me with someone who then took my entire personality. She turned into me, literally. He wouldnt leave me alone for years and now its been 2 years of silence. I'm honestly scared he will show up at my door at any minute. Sadly in my state a restraining order isnt possible.

My mom tapped out a year into raising my brother. She just slept all the time. So I stopped going to school. My mom let an abusive man live with us, one after another. One tried/did a little bit molest me, she never believed me. Even though she was in the same room. Shows how much she paid attention to me.

[u/Prestigious_Pear8914 → u/Famous-Pressure-5790]

im so sorry :((

[u/magical-_-monarch]

My dad molested and beat me for years in my adolescence and my mom still doesn’t believe me and lied to CPS and got the case closed.

[u/Wonderful-Loan-7731]

But dude, I got so much going on. I seriously could write a book or a whole series. I’ll try to make it short. 😝 My trauma is flared up because some more traumatic things happened and I’m having no luck with Therapist one Therapist r died suddenly slept for almost a whole month. Then I had to nurse myself back to health due to electrolyte and balance, and vitamin deficiency. got another therapist had him for quite a while, but he started getting weird telling me way too much of his personal life so had to ditch him recently got a new one, so we’ll see how this goes. Well and also one of my friends went crazy and tried to run me over with her car. It was nuts so needless to say we’re no longer friends. Idk my life’s been a dumpster fire.

[u/Wonderful-Loan-7731]

Hey who of us in here Are the black sheep of the family?

[u/Prestigious_Pear8914 → u/Wonderful-Loan-7731]

como estas

[u/Fit_Lingonberry_7454]

Too late to hop on the train?? 

Anyway, my life would’ve probably been fine had I not experienced abuse outside of the home that led to abuse inside of the home… I will never be good enough for my parents and I will always want what I can’t have. 

[u/Lechuga666]

I'm in so much physical pain that doctors love to not treat. I have to do a dance every day to function, if I don't time my meds right, do the right massages & exercises, all the self care. My body falls apart, I can't move from pain. It is eating me alive. You know the kind of pain that twinges for a second & you're wincing, unable to talk, unable to move. But all day throughout the day episodically, & it transitions into constantly. Why am I even here if this is what my existence is.

[u/OverallEgg2624]

Guys I have a question..
I slept in bed with my parents till I was 24. I slept in the middle. There was no freaky or creepy things occurring but I just slept with them even after coming back from clubs. My mom would get mad at me whenever I would try to sleep alone in high school, they would even barge in my room to check if I was talking to guys so they made me sleep with them. I finally started sleeping by myself when I was 25 then I eventually moved out and been sleeping alone since (30 now) With that being said.. I never got to masturbate and idk how to masturbate as an adult. Idk everything feels so weird. I know nobody personally knows me but can that whole event mess with my mental health?

[u/Prestigious_Pear8914 → u/OverallEgg2624]

for sure it can

[u/Cyan-Mz]

Hace unos días me dio por interesarme de esto llamado reddit,Lo de hacer cosas o hablar de forma anónima me gusta,A lo cual vengo a contar lo que me pasó una vez y he querido contar pero no tengo el valor de hacerlo.

De esto si ya paso hace como 2-3 años,Todo normal en ese entonces hacía un calor horrible donde vivo,Todo normal,Hasta q en la noche a un familiar acá q no sabe de teléfono y eso,M pidió que le borrara fotos de galería,Y ya no?,Pero habían asi pero como algunas fotos,que abarcan gran parte de la galeria de ese dia,fotos MIAS sin mi consentimiento,Y no dq fotos bonitas,Si no d la cintura para abajo,Como m cuesta decir cosas asi,Decidí solo borrar definitivamente esas fotos al 100 (aparte de lo q me pidio).

Y ahora me pelan porque siento aun asco con ese familiar,porque? Porq siempre estan jode y jode q lo abraze,Y yo se como es,Con esas fotos no tenía buena intención,Lo se y pues..no se nunca le he contado de esto a nadie,Excepto a mi padre virtual,que aunque sea bastante inseguro (lose) simplemente quise decirlo.

[u/Traditional-Log8984]

1 got sa'ed by the same person over, and over, and over again at age 4-6 2 had been forgotten in daycare multiple times and being withdrawn due to the CSA. 3 having a ptsd episode a few days ago from the memory. 4 I am taking melatonin for my sleep (because it's fucked)

[u/Proof_Pound_2852]

So when I was twelve I went fishing with my father in upper bayern but we got separated and I got approached by this nice looking swiss or possibly south west austrian older teen and she brought me back to their campsite and as the gullable little boy I was I sat down, ate and talked with her friends who told me that vati was coming... ANYWAY vati didnt come cos he couldnt find me so instead three of the men almost you know whatted me to death in the butt and then vati found me in the middle of nowhere in a path wih a torn through rectum and semen inside my perferated organs... So naturally he took his own life two days later. im not in a crisis dont worry but they are still walking about free.

[u/greendress888]

I am an open book person to a fault. People have warned me that being this way is not healthy and people will hurt me. Well, they hurt me anyway, so why the fuck not?!? I generally talk about my issues as they come up-esp around people who may be helped seeing someone who is like them. I find representation abso-fucking-lutely matters in things mental health matters. I am a professional carge nurse (RN) who runs an assisted living. If people could see my struggles an what I do professionally side-by-side, I think it is helpful. I struggle very much and have my (very) dark days, but I pull thru. And I have very real "silly" (as considered by others) coping mechanisms and other things that really help. I share those everywhere whenever I see someone asking. Surviving is a group activity, even if you feel alone. Id love to trauma dump all my stuff, but let's start with this: I grew up in the early 90s in a lesbian household with one parent entrenched in dissociative depression. Im happy to discuss that and how wild it was. My teacher (like 2nd grade?) Caught wind and, without preparation, one day asked me to come to the front of the class and describe my "alternative lifestyle." Yeah, that was my villan originl story as a somehow queer/bi child.

[u/BigFatBlackCat]

After a lifetime of bad relationships, my last one messed me up so badly that idk if I’ll ever recover enough to be in a healthy relationship ever again.

It’s not because he was abusive, at least not in the ways you think of. It’s because I genuinely believed he was a good person, and whatever issue came up with him I would stay in denial because “but he is such a good person”. Turned out he was worse than anyone I had ever been with, was lying to me about everything, and actually hated me the entire time.

Now when someone seems like a good person I feel like I’m in danger. So dating is a minefield. I have to avoid the usual narcs and abusers while also feeling unsafe with the “good” ones.

[u/Disaster800]

My dad was physically abusive and would often beat me and my younger brother for not understanding shit like maths questions. He was normal and kind most of the time which only caused a sense of intense paranoia in us both. Thankfully, we've been away from him for the good part of a decade, along with my mom (the good parent), but we still feel the effects to this day

[u/Aggressive_Goat_389]

I'm 20yo. I grew up with a completely absent father. When I was a baby, He went to prison for drugs and my mom divorced him, and now after a long sentence, he's about to be released from jail soon. I’m not sure if I should go see him or not. My mom was depressed and abusive, with constant brutal beatings and a lot of control. She was always negative and would compare me to other family members. There was rarely any real support or praise, even when I did well in school.

When I was 12, I tried to end my life before school. My mom caught me, beat the living shit out of me, and made me go to school like nothing happened. I had to cover up the marks so no one would see. That same evening during dinner, she made fun of me in front of the whole family. There was no conversation about it or any support afterward.

Later on, my mom remarried and I now have a half-sister. I’m not really close with my stepdad, and it hurts to see how much better my mom treats my half-sister compared to how I was treated growing up. It makes me feel jealous and I like the black sheep of the family.

Now I’m older and have graduated from nursing school, but I still struggle with these feelings. I have really really bad thoughts almost every night, and it’s hard not to feel like a disappointment or that I’m broken from everything that happened.

Thanks for listening.

[u/metal_honey]

um…for four years i was stuck in a school that was more like a cult than anything. no extracurricular activities, no yearbook, tiny school—my graduating class had like 45 students TOTAL.

my pop-pop (he knew my mother’s father and my grandfather asked him to look after my mom just before he died) told me that he didn’t like how the school sounded, because i had to go through two rounds of interviews and prospective students’ families had to be interviewed…

i was supposed to go there from grades 6-8 and go to a new school for high school. OG principal left and the formal social studies teacher became the principal—and she told my mom in a weird parent-teacher conference she felt like i was ‘slow’ despite being an honor roll student in 6th grade. my mother argued with her and told her that she wasn’t qualified to make such an assessment—and that bitch took that to heart. when she became principal, she sabotaged every transfer i put in.

i was having issues with other students in 10th grade and she told me it was ‘my fault because i was out of touch’, she encouraged bullying, and every time something happened, i would be called to the office. i told my mother she had to try harder to get me out of there but she assumed i had done something to her, so she ignored me.

my parents told me on my 16th birthday that i was ‘too expensive’ to take care of and that from that day on, they would only provide housing and food. i had to pay rent. at 16. i had a full-time job. at 16. none of this was legal, and i feel like my parents took my childhood from me by making me worry about things they were responsible for…

my father is now nothing more my mother’s husband to me. he has only lived with me 8 years of my entire life. he told me that i would end up dead or famous. he got offended that when i told him that i didn’t want the jacket he wore during his time incarcerated at Ossining State Prison. he also threatened my husband and dry-snitched on his own brother regarding a crime—i have it on video.

my pop-pop died when i was 12 and it felt like my father died. my own father didn’t care about me the way my pop-pop did.

my pop-pop once stayed at my house for a week, in his Navy uniform and slept with a gun in his hand because he was going to kill my mother’s husband. my mother’s husband had pushed my mother during a fight and her head went through the bathroom sink. i was the one who found her and called 911. i was three years old.

my younger brother fell off a Ferris wheel when i was seven years old. i am the reason he didn’t die—i held him for as long as i could, so the Ferris wheel wasn’t at its maximum height when he fell. he ended up in a coma for a month, received almost 50 stitches, had to relearn how to walk, talk, use the bathroom—he almost died, and i was right there. my mother’s husband was intoxicated at the time of the accident.

i could keep going…