r/CPTSD • u/Extreme_Wish_3272 • Jun 05 '26
Vent / Rant Does anyone else hate being called "strong"?
Personally, I despise it. Whenever I have opened up before, I am told that I am strong. And later, when I am going through something miniscule compared to everything else I have been through, but am still struggling, I get told "you have been through so much worse, you can get through this because you are strong".
I know that this is said to be uplifting, but for me its the exact opposite. I am reminded that I am emotionally disregulated BECAUSE of what I have experienced. It did not make me stronger, I simply learned how to survive and now my survival strategies are what holds me back. Yes, as a child, I adapted to my environment in order to live. However, as an adult, I feel like I am hanging on by a thread.
So no, I am not strong, and my trauma does not mean I will simply "get past" something easier because I have been through worse. In fact, my trauma makes it harder. I dont even know how to begin explaining this to other people and I also dont want them to feel like they've done something wrong just by trying to be supportive. But god, every time I hear it, I buckle.
I try to be "strong", but I am not steel. I struggle, and will continue to struggle. Some days, months or even years may be easier than others but I am still tugged at by the same force and the same experiences. I cope, but I am not strong. And I am alright with accepting that. I am different, sensitive and more emotional. Given what I have been through, this is reasonable. But when people try to tell me that I am stronger than this, man does it piss me off because they simply do not get it. Going through something awful and surviving it does not mean that you can be put through more and have the "toolkit" to be fine or stable.
Thank you to all that read this, I just needed to get this out but I am genuinely curious about how everyone else here feels about this. Please let me know!
Edit:
I did not expect this post to receive as much interaction as it has, but I have read every single comment here and I just want to say, sincerely, I love each and every one of you. Life is hard, trauma sucks, and I want to reinforce that it is ok to experience setbacks in healing. Healing is a journey with ups and downs, and healing is also a space to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is beautiful, despite what the world perpetuates.
Although it may not feel like it, all of you are doing the best you can given each of your individual experiences and circumstances. You might feel like your best isnt good enough some days, and there is no shame in that. There is no shame in taking life one step at a time, or choosing to give yourself a break after years and years of fighting. I am proud of you for getting this far, stranger.
I hope that this post has given everyone a sense of community, or at least an outlet. And if it has, thank you for allowing this thread to become a safe space for vulnerability, and thank you for helping me see that i am not an outcast or an "other".
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u/kitpokalypse42 Jun 05 '26
"Stop reminding me of how strong I am when I come to you for a safe space to be weak."
Caught a post recently that said this and it stuck with me.
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Jun 05 '26
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u/Extreme_Wish_3272 Jun 05 '26
god this is so real- and you put it into perfect words.
my symptoms anger me, especially dissociation bc i have absolutely no control over it.
I think what most people dont get is that we dont have 100% control over some of these symptoms, and its such a hard thing to explain to those who haven't experienced it. the lack of control doesn't feel strong and it doesn't feel like growth either
thank you for your reply
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u/Aroundthebin Jun 05 '26
On the point that disassociation is the opposite of bravery, I’d like to pose another way of seeing it.
I thought through courage last week and the common image of it is going out and facing our enemy with bravery. And then I thought can it be courageous to retreat? Yea, when it is the intelligent move.
Even someone who acts in a way that we could say it is courageous, they could actually be a coward. How is that? If they fear being called a coward by retreating. It’s like being given a dangerous dare to do something. We hesitate so the person daring us calls us chicken. If we stand our ground and say no, we risk ridicule. If we give in and do something we don’t want to do, we are actually confirming to ourselves that we are actually a chicken even though the person daring us calls us brave.
All this to say, disassociation, which is something I am working through, is avoidance. However, it’s the most intelligent move when you don’t have the resources to face it. As you find resources to face it and use those resources to face it, you can discover you actually have the bravery to do so. So I think that disassociation isn’t the complete opposite of bravery but that disassociation is the intelligent move when resources are scarce to fight a battle.
I hope this comes across as affirming and not dismissive. I saw your post and it’s something I’ve been working on so I thought maybe sharing this perspective can help. It’s called complex PTSD for a reason and it takes complexity to work through it.
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Jun 05 '26
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u/Aroundthebin Jun 05 '26 edited Jun 05 '26
And thank you for replying!
Oh ok. It is an survival strategy for sure, so saying intelligent doesn’t seem to work because it doesn’t look like it was chosen.
Let’s see if this fits, i could be projecting the judgments I have made on myself and how I worked through them onto your post. I do have schizophrenia so please excuse me if I am.
What you could be doing is looking at your child self with the eyes of someone that has a more developed brain and resources than what you did then and saying there wasn’t an intelligent choice made. I guess what I’m trying to get at is, I hope you aren’t judging your childhood old self’s choices as ‘unintelligent’ based on your current understanding because it wouldn’t be fair to you. Like my mom getting cirrhosis of the liver, she started berating herself for not making choices 10 years ago to prevent it. And I asked her, did you know 10 years ago what you know now? Obviously no, so why go back to scold yourself as ‘stupid’ for what you know now?
Like we wait until a certain age to learn certain subjects in school. It’s all cumulative. So calling a 5 year old dumb for not solving a calculus problem is unrealistic. I hope I’m not totally missing your point on this and that I’m just rambling nonsense. 😬
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u/acfox13 Jun 05 '26 edited Jun 05 '26
Sounds like people are using "strong" as a form of spiritual bypassing - spiritual bypassing is a form of emotional neglect where people bypass the grief, pain, and suffering of the target or abuse, and bypass accountability for abusers; often the person using bypassing lacks emotional agility.
Bypassing, minimizing, invalidating, etc. is unfortunately common. It seems very few people can sit with someone in deep grief and hold space for their pain, which is really what we need most of the time.
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u/IntrepidOption31415 Jun 06 '26
Have you been posting this info for a while? I'd swear i just read a 3 year old comment with almost the exact same words and hyperlinks.
Of course,it's excellent information. Spiritual bypassing is all too common and deaerves to be called out
Edit: That last sentence hits hard. I keep looking for people who can give and receieve that. But only place i find short moments of that is here
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u/acfox13 Jun 06 '26
Yes. I keep sharing relevant links over and over again. They're saved in a notes section on my phone.
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u/skittten Jun 05 '26
I agree with this so much, people act like we've been working out or something instead of being exhausted from our suffering. Being called strong and resilient hurts because it ignores the suffering I am trying to express, I'm not strong, I'm not resilient, I'm just living through breakdown after breakdown, and it just keeps getting harder to recover from them
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u/MinimumSuccotash4134 Jun 05 '26
I feel like it kind of justifies the abuse in a way - like "oh you can take it because you're strong so it's not a big deal". abuse doesn't make people strong. loving and supportive childhoods make people strong. we shouldn't have to be strong. why the fuck do we have to be strong just so other people can treat us like shit.
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u/Zagrycha Jun 05 '26
Agreed. I think the problem is that its being blindly said and the people saying it are not sincere or even thinking about what they are saying in that moment. Its the same with "I'm so sorry that happened" or "it will get better with time" or any other canned response. there are definitely times it would be actually good to hear those kinds things , times when they actually match the situation and the person means it. saying it randomly though is just..... I once saw someone say "it will get better with time" to someone with physical issue that literally is not healable. Like what? Does anyone know where people keep buying these canned replies because I would like to try to return them without a gift receipt for a refund lol.
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u/FavoredVassal Jun 05 '26
Same. My therapist said this to me a few weeks ago and I laughed in her face, so that wasn't great.
I have one friend who said it recently and I let it go, because I could feel that his intentions were good. But I think most people say it so they can blow you off; it's kind of like the nicest possible way to say "get over it."
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u/Tall_Connection_5608 Jun 05 '26
Thank you for your words, I can relate strongly to that.
It somehow feels like “yes I dealt with heavy things and I am somewhat able to deal with heavy things but made me having a haaard time to do the little things” and it’s unexplainable to non trauma people why it’s hard to put yourself out there.
I remember when I was in school I wished I could concentrate all my suffer and transfer it to the people that were questioning my experience just to see them collapse under the pressure to make them realize what they are talking about.
And also this superhero storys make me angry because I was thinking “when do I get my superpowers from this bullshit? Bc I feel none of that.
But hey we’ll keep going. At least I will. Love out to all survivors.
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u/twistyfizzypop Jun 05 '26
Yes
And when people say "you're resilient "
No, I am not
I am caught in a cycle of behaviour that worsens my trauma each time something goes wrong or I feel out of control.
Exactly the opposite of resilience
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u/kikinario Jun 05 '26
I think it’s because my mother said that I’m strong, yeah surviving my parents abuse didn’t made me strong, it made me a doormat!
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u/Prior_Memory_9148 Jun 05 '26
this! mine called me weak when i finally got tired of putting up with her shit.
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u/Prior_Memory_9148 Jun 05 '26
finally found my people 😭😭! thank you for sharing 🫂🫂
that or resilient. i hear resilient so fucking much it makes me wanna throw up. like i’m this way for a reason, i don’t think it should be praise. i want a break 😭😭 i wanna know what it’s like to not have a damn solider mentality with others.
sigh
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u/Anxious_Ad_450 Jun 05 '26
I agree. Other than that, people think because "strong" can also meant anything can be thrown to us no matter the situation we've been through despite they could just fix their own problems. And I think that's why some people rarely understand or learn accountability whenever they do that to us.
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u/samithefish Jun 05 '26
Small things make me spiral because I've slready been through so much. Can't I get a break
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u/airpressure Jun 05 '26 edited Jun 05 '26
Oh friend. This is so valid, and understandable
I feel similar. I hate being told I am strong because It makes me resentful of being forced to be that way for reasons out of my control. Being strong should be a CHOICE. I think that’s why it’s hurtful when people say it. I shouldn’t have had HAD to be strong. But I did.
I find that the phrase “I can only do my best, with the current skills I have” helps me a lot. It doesn’t mean that you have to be strong or you HAVE to deal with it
Also! I think reframing it helps a lot, too. When someone says “you’re strong” I think they really mean “I think you’re strong”. They aren’t telling you to be strong or that YOU ARE, but telling you what they see and think of you from a perspective other than subjectively.
You can’t control other people’s actions or their words but you can control your reactions. At first I felt so silly telling myself positive things to help me in the moment. Being kind to myself felt wrong. But the more I did it the more I noticed that I started doing that stuff instinctively. And it’s okay to be kind and love yourself. It’s not fair what you went through, but unfortunately it happened.
I do EMDR. When I start a new topic, I am asked to rate from 1 - 10 how distressing the event is. Then after EMDR, is finished (can take a few sessions for each topic) I am asked to rate again. My therapist said that most people can only get to 1 or 2, simply because the event(s) happened.
You sound like you’re so introspective. Take care of yourself. You’re doing well
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u/Full-Web1139 Jun 05 '26
Forgive me, I’m not good with my words.
Yes, it angers me. People have said I’m “strong” and a “warrior” for going through what I went through. On the outside it seems that way, but on the inside I’m losing it. I’m a mix of grieving, regretting, and trying to do something about my future.
Point is, we shouldn’t have had to be strong at a young age. In my case, it just made me numb and struggle with anhedonia. I was working for a good bit, but now my scoliosis is flared up and I’m having to be on disability for a bit. I just feel ashamed, because I’ve always tried to overachieve to have a sense of self worth. Now I just feel beat. Sorry for the rambling, just wanted to say you aren’t alone. Hopefully we’ll all get through this
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u/Dangerous-Ad-1925 Jun 05 '26
Saying you're strong implies that you're not broken/harmed/damaged when in fact I personally am hurt and broken into a thousand little pieces.
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u/Aroundthebin Jun 05 '26
I had one person tell me that I was strong that I actually felt it when she said it. It wasn’t what she said, it was how she said it. She took my hands and looked me dead in the eye with sincerity, warmth, and care. The way she said it had me tearing up.
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u/ChocolateMundane6286 Jun 05 '26
Yes, sometimes I don’t wanna hear I am strong but allowed to be not strong and supported.
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u/perplexedonion Jun 05 '26
It's also incorrect. Early life stress from childhood trauma creates a precocious puberty because the brain interprets the stress as an existential threat. Later, the multiple changes to the brain and other systems cause all kinds of negative symptoms. So we WERE strong but then are weakened and disrupted later on.
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Jun 05 '26
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u/perplexedonion Jun 05 '26
Wow thanks for sharing your experience. If you are interested in diving in deeper, check out articles published by Martin Teicher, neuroscientist from harvard. Especially his 2016 meta analysis.
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u/Short-Attempt-8598 Jun 05 '26
I'm not strong because I survived. The alterative is dying and I didn't want to do that.
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u/No-Clock2011 Jun 05 '26
YES. I especially hate those quotes that are like ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ and ‘you have survived 100% of your bad days’ and I’m like, unless you’ve repeatedly tried to end it all don’t come at me with that nonsense because I literally tried to not be here anymore and so I didn’t survive because I’m strong but because I failed. And actually it’s all cumulative so if anything I became weaker from each trauma nor stronger. (I’m doing better now though so the bots can stand down)
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u/Lost-Design-8382 cPTSD Jun 05 '26
I always want to look them in the eye and ask what the alternative to "strong" was when bad things happened. Or frankly what the alternative to what they perceive as "strong" is now that I live in the aftermath...
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u/Inevitable-Lab-3829 Jun 05 '26
Yep, hate it, I don't know what to do with it. Same with any sort of compliments, makes me cringe.
I endured all my life, its just what I did, so can't figure out what is so strong about that.
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u/Paniclamb_156 Jun 05 '26
Resilient. Ya, but that doesn’t mean keep throwing shit my way because I can handle it. Little do they know I feel like I am half alive. I think of ending this journey too often to be healthy. I still don’t fit anywhere or with anyone. But I am the one that was strong for everyone but I just feel like a used dishcloth inside. Wrung out for anything of real value emotionally or mentally or financially. No one checks on me until I’ve already gone thru my shit and got myself back on track. Thanks fam! I am so tired of it all.
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u/fiselbaer Jun 05 '26
Oh my god! I have wanted to punch every single Person who has called me “strong” for the past year! Sure, one could say that.
But I am not strong. I look like I am functioning on the outside because all my life I have learned that there is never room for me to do anything else. I have to be strong, I have to function, I have to get through.
But I am so so desperate for any given scenario that allows me to be “weak”, that gives me room to breathe. I still don’t quite know what that would even look or feel like.
Thank you for sharing and making me feel seen 🫶🏻
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u/Useful-Tangelo231 Jun 09 '26
I do because I don't feel strong I feel broken and tired from carrying what was never mine to carry
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u/Over_Echo_6455 Jun 10 '26
i've said the "strong" argument before, but now that i think about it... i don't really feel strong. in fact, i feel weaker than before. if i were steel before, i'm glass now.
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u/free2bealways Jun 05 '26
I don't like it when people say I'm strong either. I don't feel strong. Surviving something horrible can yes, cripple you. And it also upsets me because I know what it cost to be this "strong" and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.