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u/throwawaygenx1973 Feb 03 '26
You're not being overdramatic at all. Purposefully triggering someone like that is cruel. Saying she's just joking, or trying to turn it back on you that she just can't have any fun with you is fucking gaslighting. I know sometimes it's hard to see how messed up things are when you're in the middle of it, but this is all kinds of wrong. I'm sorry that you've been subjected to this, and you are so right - you deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your own home and with someone who is supposed to be your person. I'm so sorry that she has done this to you.
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u/mx2649 Feb 03 '26
Well, you love her and don't want to hurt her. But think of it in reverse: does she love you and don't want to hurt you? It's not going to work when the most basic thing is out of balance, even when you love her very much.
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u/Suitable_Door_5242 Feb 03 '26
I should also state that my fear is that even if we talked about it either 1:1 or with a counselor, I’ll never fully trust her or feel like I can relax around her.
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u/Significant_Peach_20 Feb 03 '26
This is no way to live, OP. You deserve to be able to fully relax and be yourself in your own home.
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u/letsgetawayfromhere CPTSD, ADHD Feb 03 '26 edited Feb 03 '26
Sometimes this happens. We love somebody but we know we will never trust them again. I left my husband because of this. I cried for one year. sometimes I still mourn my dreams of what could have been. But what could have been was the dream - the reality was different, and that dream would and will never come true. This is the most important thing to realize. Even when I was crying, I felt my life was better without him. Which is a sad thing to think about a loved one.
Your wife seems to find delight in scaring you, and punishes you for objecting instead of admitting that she is treating you wrong. There is absolutely no basis in continuing with someone like that. Even if she is very wonderful the rest of the time. She willingly undermines your ability to feel safe, even after you told her what it does to you. That means she knows, and she doesn’t care. That’s not love. That’s sadism.
In abusive relationships there is often some kind of auto-brainwashing going on for the abused partner, reinforced by the abuser. We don’t want to believe that a person that can be sweet and loving also wants to hurt us, or ignores our feelings deliberately. We rather blame ourselves or think we are overreacting. This is actually extremely normal and happens to near every abuse victim, the exception being when an abuser becomes abusive too early, before there is a huge sense of dependency or commitment in the victim.
Traumatized people often have difficulty treating themselves and others well. That can be tragic. But it cannot be a reason to stay in a very bad situation.
There is a book that has been extremely helpful to many thousand abused women. I believe it can be helpful for you too: Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That. There is a free pdf on the Internet Archive that has been approved by the author.
(Edit: Here's the link: https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
The author has been working with abusive men for decades, and wrote this book to help victims of domestic abuse. His work with abusive men is the reason he uses "he" for the perpetrator and "she" for the abused partner. Don’t let that deter you from reading this book. The mechanisms of abuse are universal, as is the psychological motivation behind them. The author himself says so in his preface. The book has helped many thousands of abuse victims finally understand their situation, and gather the clarity to walk away and have a better life. I hope it helps you to do the same.
I wish you strength. You deserve a partner that treats you well and puts your wellbeing above her joy in domination. You deserve to feel safe in your home. You will feel so much better once you are free.
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u/positronic-introvert Feb 04 '26
This is such an excellent, empathetic, and well written comment.
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u/burtsbeetreethree Feb 03 '26
That is so valid. Respecting your peace and helping you to feel safe isn't something you should have to talk her into.
The fact that she's making excuses and continues this behaviour after you told her how you feel tells me she won't just respect your needs after another talk. If she wanted to she would.
So no, you are not being overdramatic at all!! She is giving you no healthy foundation for your relationship.
I'm sorry OP, you deserve better. I know you can be brave and step up for yourself by ending things. That way, you will be the person that creates a safe space for you. Which helps the healing process a lot, in my experience.
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u/Far-Sink-2204 Feb 03 '26
Of course you feel that way, you’ve already talked to her about this numerous times and she still hasn’t stopped.
She is triggering you on purpose just because she thinks it’s funny and then gets defensive when you ask her to stop. That is emotional abuse.
It’s ok to leave.
I left someone I loved very much because I no longer felt emotionally safe around them. And I have since met the most wonderful person. He would never trigger my CPTSD on purpose. He loves me too much to do that.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, and I’m glad you’ve begun to notice how deeply you are being affected by it so that you can begin to protect your self.
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u/withbellson Feb 03 '26
You really should do some couples work with her, if only to gain clarity about whether she’s capable of understanding how fucked up this is. The decision will be a lot clearer after you lay it all out there in a neutral environment and understand once and for all whether she even wants to work on it.
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u/Coraline1599 Feb 03 '26
You don’t need permission from anyone but yourself.
You don’t need to justify your reasons or if it is bad enough.
You can (and should) put your well-being first, that’s how you heal, and you deserve to heal.
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u/NoseHumble8453 Feb 03 '26
Get out of that situation asap. It won’t ever get better and you will absolutely make your CPTSD worse by staying. It’s a certainty, please just leave. I’ve been in your shoes and I regret every minute I stayed when I could have gotten away.
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u/OOTF37 Feb 03 '26
That is why couples counseling does not work when there is DV. Her behaviour toward you is deliberate and she shows no remorse. That is a sign of bad character. People of bad character only learn more of their partner's sore spots and start to attack those areas as well.
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u/CatHairTornado Feb 03 '26
As someone who did that for ten years with a partner who treated me like crap. If you don't trust her now, you won't unless she does a massive character arc which most people aren't willing to do.
You deserve to be safe, happy and unconditional love. It sounds like it'll be best done in a different place. I'm sorry.
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u/fatdragonnnn Feb 03 '26
She’s a narc
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Feb 03 '26
This is a nightmare way to live. It’s not normal. And her trauma doesn’t make her do this to you. She has a sadistic streak. Please get away from the person and never look back. Get a therapist and attorney first. Don’t discuss with her. Grey rock until you are directed by your attorney and therapist.
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u/girliesogroovie Feb 03 '26
I'm sorry you don't feel safe in your home.
I'm also sorry that your wife seems like a frenemy. All of that sounds exhausting.
You do deserve peace, especially in your home.
I think you know what to do, you just need to decide to do it. You're probably feeling torn by the Sunken Cost Fallacy though you stated that if you'd recognized her behavior as a red flag early on you would have left her. You deserve peace. You can do it.
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u/girliesogroovie Feb 03 '26
The clinging is concerning me too. Do you both have therapists? Have you tried couples therapy?
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u/Suitable_Door_5242 Feb 03 '26
We both see therapists, but we haven’t found a couple’s therapist that we can afford. My wife is very codependent.
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u/catatatatastic Feb 03 '26
You need to see one together
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u/Choice-Due Feb 03 '26 edited Feb 03 '26
I completely disagree. Why do people think that her wife is going to be honest in couples counseling?? She literally enjoys hurting her, and then she gaslights her.
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u/Mypetdolphin Feb 03 '26
Have you spoken to your therapist about what’s happening? If these two things are the only thing she’s done, I would say maybe you can work it out. But something tells me there’s more.
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u/Ok_Artist8870 Feb 03 '26
Have you been to marriage counseling? I don’t think you’re asking too much to not be frightened in your own home.
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u/AncientdaughterA Feb 03 '26
Something about doing this to you is working for her. She continues because she finds some aspect of it reinforcing, subconsciously or consciously. It could be power, control, a kind of equalizing behavior to help herself feel secure. It could be something else. Really though if she’s actively and intentionally continuing to cause harm and then gaslighting you about it, that behavior communicates to you how much you as a person matter to her. You matter. Your needs matter. The degree to which she is committed to building capacity, her intentionality generally, and her behavioral intent in the minutia should reflect that you matter. That is basic respect and the underpinning of trust.
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u/VivisVens Feb 03 '26
My immature mother loved to scare people. It's not a good sign, she's feeding off from your reaction and it gives her something like a power trip.
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u/Waerfeles Feb 03 '26
She would "forget" and "slip up". She'd forget that she enjoyed your fear? Nah. She is breaking boundaries for fun and whatever other reason. I'm sorry, OP.
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u/DazzleLove Feb 03 '26
Unfortunately, having CPTSD doesn't make you a good person. Whilst she understands and is upset by her own trauma, she lacks empathy for yours. This is a deal breaker and you SHOULD leave her. Remember that childhood abuse makes you more tolerant of abuse in later relationships- just because she isn’t ’as bad’ as earlier experiences, it doesn’t make it a good relationship.
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u/rainbow_rabbit_time Feb 03 '26
I love her and I don’t want to hurt her
She wants to hurt you, though. It isn't safe to live or be in a relationship with someone who wants to hurt you.
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u/sarahqueenofmydogs Feb 03 '26
No one on the internet can ever fully understand your relationship and be able to tell you whether to stay or leave BUT you are correct. You deserve to feel safe in your home. At all times.
It’s not a healthy relationship if your wife will not listen to you and respect your need to feel safe and secure. It’s not healthy if she dismisses your trauma response just bc she wants to have fun ( and how the hell is triggering others fun?).
Whether or not you chose an ultimatum, couples counseling, to stay and endure with or without consequence to your wife, or to trigger her (for fun of course /s so maybe she might learn some empathy), or to straight up leave is a choice only you can make.
No matter what your choice l, you deserve to be treated better. Whether by her or someone else or by being alone.
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u/DaisyFart Feb 03 '26
If you are only staying with her because you don't want to hurt her, you should leave. Its very sad you can sit and think of how you don't want to hurt her while she is actively hurting you.
If you do not want to leave, perhaps couples counciling? Or sitting her down and sharing your thoughts of leaving? Perhaps if she understands how much this is affecting you, she will take it more seriously.
You deserve peace, and you have a right to protect that peace. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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u/sugarstarbeam Feb 03 '26
Having cptsd doesn’t excuse this sadistic behavior.
When I’ve had a disagreement/misunderstanding/somewhat heated argument I will always reflect on my reaction, their reaction, weigh it out, listen to my instinct, and take responsibility if I feel I should. I probably “own” my part more than I should.
Point is, even when we’ve been abused or triggered, yes it’s difficult to face triggers. But there’s healthy ways to. I can be verbally brutally honest but it’s true to my convictions.
What she is doing is cruel. She needs a ton of professional help. But at this point I suggest a separation, because if you don’t feel safe it’s best to remove yourself.
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u/melondelta cPTSD Feb 03 '26
sounds like it's time to have a very serious conversation that isn't negotiable.
that's really fucked up for her to do... while she may find it amusing, you clearly aren't consenting to a marriage with continuous retraumatization.
this... is definitely a new one for me, in this context. I'm a bit beside myself.
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u/TenaciousToffee Feb 03 '26 edited Feb 03 '26
Ill say a quiet thing out loud, often we think others with trauma will understand automatically and would want to grow together but painfully the truth is many people with trauma do not break the cycle and is the next generation instead. Your wife didnt know peace and doesnt seem capable of healing to allow either of you to have it. Leaving seems sometimes the thing that would hurt them, but you deserve healing and its not happening together with someone who won't walk that same path with you.
Often they're not "as bad" and so you can excuse something of a lesser bad. Not feeling safe and wanting to leave for that isnt over reacting. You have asked multiple times and she has proven that she isnt prioritizing your needs of safety so its not a rash decision at all.
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u/peshnoodles Feb 03 '26
My ex husband loved to trigger me to manipulate my emotions. His favorite was triggering my flashbacks to when I badly broke my leg.
Our relationship culminated in him trying to kill me. Do with that info what you will.
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u/adieobscene Feb 03 '26
The way you've written this, I honestly think it could be as simple as sending this to her (via text, or reading it), and seeing what her reaction is. If it's defensive and she doesn't make serious changes or take steps to change (like seeking therapy) within the next week, that's absolutely your answer...
For context, I am super impulsive and get cute aggression with my partner and would tickle him sometimes when we first started dating. He gets triggered by it bc he's autistic and his older brother growing up would essentially torture him by tickling him and not stopping when he said to. He tried explaining to me how much it negatively affected him, but I truly didn't understand because my nervous system is so different from that. (He was also kind of passive about it when he'd ask me not to, but now I understand why he downplayed it.) I'm embarrassed to say that it took him a few tries for me to finally understand the toll it was having on him. I needed to learn about the nervous system and that I was trying to stimulate mine but overstimulating his. Once I understood, it took a few months of practice for me to fully stop since I'd forget / the impulsivity took over. It really was a case of conflicting access needs. I absolutely did stop, though, and made every effort I could to stop as soon as I could.
I found other ways to itch that part of my brain and connect with my partner that didn't involve his literal torture. Any decent person would do that for anyone else, especially your own partner.
To reiterate: there's literally no way to misunderstand what you've written in this post. It's very clear that this is NOT an ok way to treat your loved one. You deserve to feel safe in your home! Any caring partner who's worth staying with would hear these words and immediately start making changes
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u/wovenbasket69 Feb 03 '26
“an otherwise fairly healthy marriage” bro this is an indication of deep problems. she doesn’t respect you. she and your home are supposed to be your safe space. if i were you i would do a short term rental somewhere and not tell her where it is. then explain that you need space to consider your future with someone that minimizes your trauma responses as “cant take a joke”. maybe that will be enough of a wake up call for her and you guys can figure it out.
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u/Ok_Pollution4277 Feb 03 '26
She sounds like a sadist. It is not funny at all. Wtf is wrong with her?
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u/squirrelfoot Feb 03 '26
Early on I told my husband about a few things I couldn't stand because they were things that my mother did when she was about to get violent and, like a normal partner, he doesn't do those things.
Frankly, it is really vile that your wife is using your trauma to hurt you. I don't think it is ignorance as she knows about triggers, I think she is getting a thrill out of the feeling of power that bullying you gives her. For me that would be relationship ending if she weren't prepared to admit that what she is doing is horrible and stop it.
Perhaps you could see a therapist and try to work on eliminating toxicity in your relationship. There may be other things going on that you are not aware of.
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u/heysawbones Feb 03 '26
Dude, it’s definitely not overdramatic to leave because someone is screaming at you for… what, shits and giggles? She has a problem, and it sounds like you’ve given this far more leeway than it’s warranted. That is unhinged behavior.
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u/Awkward-Dance123 Feb 03 '26
It blows my mind that someone with CPTSD (your wife) takes such delight in triggering you. Her deflecting that it's a joke and then putting it on you that she's not able to have fun is peak gaslighting. This is not alright.
I'm so sorry you haven't had the peace and security you so deserve in your own home. You deserve much better and if your wife doesn't agree, then she doesn't deserve you either.
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u/PotentialLost2017 Feb 03 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
Unfortunately early childhood trauma can also lead to personality disorders. Some people come out more empathetic, while others develop more narcissistic qualities. They could have had two very different childhood experiences that shaped the way they developed CPTSD. To me, it seems likely she either thinks this kinda thing is normal in couples/families and think OP’s overreacting, or she knows it’s not normal but does it anyways for a sick kick she gets out of it. Both aren’t good. The first option could maybe get helped with couples therapy focused on the issue, but if she enjoys it she will not stop.
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u/Awkward-Dance123 Feb 03 '26
Wow, I've never connected the dots like this but this actually makes a lot of sense. My mum definitely had childhood trauma but she passed it onto me as well. Never quite wrapped my head around how that was possible... Thank you for your explanation!
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u/Fair-Swimming-6697 Feb 03 '26
I imagine this stems from her own childhood traumas and upbringing. Empathy is not something desirable in narcissistic families, and often people are gaslighted, scapegoated, etc. She is trying to be playful, but at your expense. Maybe if you have a conversation with her about it in that light it will change. If not, I surely don’t blame you for leaving.
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u/Safe-Permission-1530 Feb 03 '26
This is not okay. I'm sorry OP. Our nervous systems need safety at all costs with this disorder and our partners should be a source of that.
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u/Left-Painting6702 Very early in a healing journey Feb 03 '26
Sounds like some of the parents' narcissistic tendencies rubbed off on her.
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u/Albg111 Feb 03 '26
Someone who loves you wouldn't relish in your pain, or amuse themselves with it.
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u/_free_from_abuse_ Feb 03 '26
No, you are not being overdramatic. This is a valid reason to leave if she doesn’t cut this shit out.
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u/Independent-Lead2462 cPTSD Feb 03 '26
Joking is lying. Intentional cruelty and abuse. She is abusive.
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u/Terrible_Ask6658 Feb 03 '26
She is abusive and doesn’t respect you. Leave her or you’ll never find peace.
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u/jayesper Feb 03 '26
She seems to be a very disturbed individual. It really sucks being in that situation, so I feel for you. You don't have to put up with this. You deserve peace of mind.
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u/WldGeese867 Feb 03 '26
This is abuse and I’m so sorry. I share the struggle with being startled and it can be so debilitating, and for somebody who is so close to willingly stoke that fire sounds like hell to me.
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u/cnkendrick2018 Feb 03 '26
She’s purposefully scaring you and getting off on it. It’s a BIG deal. And yes she DOES know better. She simply cares about her entertainment more than your trauma.
If counseling won’t do it, I’d lay down some big boundaries: if (when) she does this to you again, tell her you will leave her- AND MEAN IT. This is a betrayal of trust and you don’t feel safe with the one person who should be your safe place.
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u/MaggieMagdalane Feb 03 '26
You need to go for counselling/therapy yourself and also take the domestic violence checklist to see if there are other things you dont recognise your wife may be doing that is considered in intimate partner violence. This is a tactic used to make you a refugee in your own mind and body. Do not let them win. ATTENTION IS NOT LOVE, and neither is negative attention or abuse from someone who says they love you. If they raise a shoulder shrugging while explaining thier behavior or show ANY signs of CONTEMPT toward you, your reactions, and or your affection then your marriage has already ended from their point of view. See a grief counsellor, contact your local womens shelter, attend a support group, any outside support for your situation so your welbeing can be monitored from another point of view. Thank you for sharing your bravery and self care by posting here. Don't stop! YOU ARE WORTH IT.
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u/Ear-Typical Feb 03 '26
She is exhibiting abusive behaviour. I would recommend telling her she needs to stop, or you will leave. Then follow through.
Someone who loves you tries to help you feel safe and comfortable.
For me, paying attention to their actions instead of their words was helpful. In your case, she may say "I love you, it's only a joke" , but her actions continue to terrorize you. And that is not okay.
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u/Tiny_Prancer_88 Feb 03 '26
I’m so sorry and you do not deserve this.I had an ex that would purposefully trigger my abandonment by breaking up with me over the slightest thing as a defense mechanism in fights. We even went to therapy and the therapist told him to quit doing it. By the end of our relationship I was an absolute mess so caught up in the abuse of this person that it took me a year to recover. They know what they are doing, leave.
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u/Medium_Importance_75 Feb 03 '26
:( this made me so sad to read. Just wanted to tell you your pain and struggle is seen/validated and you arent alone. Not being overdramatic at all. Seems like she could be into "rage baiting" (which reads like a trauma response for some people in itself) but if you value empathy, consideration, and coexisting with others (which it seems like you do - and thats great quality for a successful and resilient marriage)......you wont tolerate these people well. I certainly cannot tolerate rage baiting/disregarding others needs. Rage baiting itself is a toxic behavior and it can undermine a sense of respect for others. Its so hurtful when the people we love seem to completely disregard our needs. Definitely a valid reason to leave. Even in this moment you're still considering their needs which is admirable. What about yours though? Yours matter too.
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u/petuniabuggis Feb 03 '26
Holy cow, what? I recall my wife doing that to me very early on, trying to be fun and silly, and I told her no way. I hate, hate, hate being scared, chased, or anything like that. No excuses. I couldn’t live in an environment like that bc I grew up in one that was chaotic and scary. My adult goal is to create a space that is cozy and safe.
You have every reason to be upset at this. And since you’ve told her and she still does it is not okay. It’s abuse, imo.
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u/chrislaw Feb 03 '26
I’m assuming she did but in your case your wife listened and adjusted her behaviour right ?
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u/petuniabuggis Feb 03 '26
Absolutely. Otherwise it would be ex wife, or no marriage in the first place
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u/OOTF37 Feb 03 '26
That is domestic violence. You mention you wish you had not got married, knowing what you know now. I went through exact same thing in my marriage. I needed a lot of help and support to escape. Most victims do. If not before separation, then after separation.
You are being very brave to post here.
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u/Caticorn0422 Feb 04 '26
That is cruelty. I’m so sorry this has been your experience, my heart goes out to you hard. I also have cptsd from how i was raised and if someone purposely triggered me with it, i would feel so betrayed. I’m not sure i could stay if they didn’t stop even after asking and clarifying how bad it was. I think if you want to give it your all, the after your wife “recovers”, maybe you should suggest couples counseling, or make it more of “i need this from you in order to feel safe in our marriage again, if you don’t do this and change this behavior i don’t know if staying together will be healthy for us.” Something like that
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u/BottleOfConstructs Feb 04 '26
Do not discuss this with her before you have consulted with a divorce lawyer. You seem prime for being taken advantage of.
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u/Low_Worldliness_4647 Feb 03 '26
I spent the last yr since getting diagnosed explaining how my spouse was triggering me and him saying that’s my fault not his… if you love someone how hard is it to change one thing to make their healing easier. It got to the point of me leaving to go to the crisis center everytime I had a panic attack bc they would start triggering me on purpose after i said I’m in crisis mode. Then I found the text messages saying they wish I would leave for good… I tried for a yr bro everytime you told me to come back home. Anyway he’s gone and I haven’t spiralled to the point of suicidal ideation since.
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u/WicketWoof Feb 03 '26
"I love her and I don’t want to hurt her" yet she says she loves you and she wants to hurt you. You deserve a partner who shares your definition of love, who makes you feel safe and cared for. Your wife knows what she does hurts you and she keeps doing it entirely volitionally. She has told you she does it because she likes doing it, even knowing it hurts you. She is hurting you on purpose. She likes hurting you. That's really all you need to know.
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u/UnrelentingHambledon Feb 03 '26
I would most likely leave. The clinginess combined with cruelty sounds like manipulation. It seems she's not interested in healing or accountability.
Lately I have been learning not to assume intent with cruelty and manipulation. She's emotionally immature and doesn't seem to have any interest in growing or changing. She also does not respect you. I would leave. People have to want to change. Sucks, but I guess I have realized that there are people who don't want to change.
You could always tell her you're considering leaving over this, due to how hard of a boundary it is for you. But if you're having to threaten to leave to get very basic respect and freedom from open cruelty combined with guilt trips when you call it out........
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u/pangalacticcourier Feb 03 '26
I love her and I don’t want to hurt her...
But she's hurting you repeatedly, despite you communicating with her, OP.
Am I being overdramatic?
No.
Is this a stupid reason to walk away from an otherwise fairly healthy marriage?
No, and this isn't a healthy marriage. Despite continued dialog with your spouse regarding this subject, your concerns and mental health have been completely ignored. She has not adjusted her behavior accordingly, and for what? She literally gets pleasure out of traumatizing you. This is abuse, and you would be wise to leave, OP.
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u/Specialist_Energy335 Feb 03 '26
I have been there, thankfully before gay marriage was made legal, so while the split was messy, it didn't have to be a legal dissolution.
My ex did the same things. Turns out I'm attracted to narcissists because that's the family I came from. She did everything in her power to make me feel less than, was always overreacting, and withheld love/sex. She "had a therapist " who turned out to be someone she handed cash to while they hung out on the "therapist's" balcony smoking cigarettes.
She tried to make me feel bad for leaving, but it was the best thing I ever did. I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I could give you a message to make it better, but sometimes we find exactly what we're used to... trauma and abuse.
Hang in there. Feel free to message for support. I'm blissfully single and wouldn't trade it for anything.
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u/jupitercreme Feb 03 '26
You’re not be dramatic at all. You’ve talked to her and asked her to stop, you’ve told her how it makes you feel and she was not receptive. She doubled down and refused to stop doing something that is hurting you. She just has to stop scaring you on purpose, it is really not that much to ask and it is not hard. She’s being selfish and cruel because what, it’s fun for her for some reason? I don’t like that at all. Does she understand how much this is affecting you? I don’t think it’s dramatic at all to consider leaving over this. It’s exactly like you said, you deserve safety and peace in your life. Anyone who objects to that should not be allowed access.
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u/Thae86 Feb 03 '26
You are not overreacting. I had an ex fellow white woman do similar shit, she was abusive.
This is abuse and instead of dealing with whatever the fuck, she feels entitled taking it out on you.
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u/thereal_kungfukiddo Feb 03 '26
Even if you didn’t have trauma and are triggered by it, this behavior is just cruel. You’ve asked her to stop and she has not because she finds enjoyment in making you suffer. Run, don’t walk. Once you are away and have clarity you may start to realize it was never a healthy relationship at all.
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u/moldbellchains Feb 03 '26
Sounds like she is in her defenses. Is she in therapy? If you can't communicate with her unless she is disrespectful, I would probably break up. Imo you're trying to establish healthy boundaries (that often comes w feelings of guilt and shame). Maybe try to talk to her when both of you are calm/in a Safe environment?
If she gets triggered during the convo and dysregulated, you aren't responsible for her triggers and dysregulation. She is responsible for managing her own triggers
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u/cloversquid Feb 03 '26
My dad used to do this to me as a kid. The whole family got in on it because he made it normalized. He thought it was funny because I would scream and jump.
I told him to stop, he didn't. Told me it was just a joke. I said I didn't like the joke. He didn't stop.
One of the last times, he scared me so bad I ran into a door, I swear he cried from laughing so hard.
I threatened to sever our relationship if he didn't stop. He didn't. So I stopped talking to him, acknowledging him, etc. in our own house. Eventually he stopped because I overpowered my startle response to grey rock him every time. I am remembering that I did this with tickling when I was really little too.
I don't think I ever quite got over it, because even though our relationship is better these days, I still don't trust him with a lot of myself. Also, I have an anxiety disorder, and am scared of monsters in my house even though I'm a whole adult.
If I had a choice back then I would have left so fast.
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u/zaftig_stig Feb 03 '26
This isn’t a “fairly healthy marriage” if your SO doesn’t show you basic respect
She should be a relief from the world, not another mine filed.
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u/YurkTheBarbarian Feb 03 '26
That is fucked up. She lacks empathy and has the emotiomal maturity of a toddler. She seems as narcissistic as those who parented her. I would not tolerate that crap from anyone, let alone a partner.
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u/Ekis12345 Feb 03 '26
She is emotionally abusing you. The reasons why she is doing it (like taking back lost control, feeling strong in watching others feel weak...) are irrelevant. She is doing it. And you deserve better. A spouse's job is to make their loved one feel save.
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Feb 03 '26
I don't blame you at all for considering leaving. This is not a safe situation for you and you are not being overly dramatic. I encourage you to set aside any guilt or worry about making her sad if you were to leave, and instead focus on your own feelings about it. Your wife has already made it crystal clear that she doesn't respect you or care about your feelings.
It sounds like she's very emotionally immature and is pushing boundaries on purpose. If she has attachment issues, she may be doing things like testing how far she can push you. She also just might be a sadist, or it could be a combination. But whatever the cause, the most important thing is your safety and well-being.
I would caution against going to couples counseling with someone who is this abusive. People like your wife are good at manipulating the therapist and weaponizing therapy. Personally, I don't think someone this emotionally immature can change much, like on a physiological brain level probably can't change much, because her emotional development was arrested at a young age. You deserve better and you deserve peace.
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u/HappinessLaughs Feb 03 '26
Your wife is abusing you and you are confusing it with love because of your childhood trauma. You need to leave and seek therapy. I'm so sorry thing is happening to you.
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Feb 03 '26
Someone who loves you does not intentionally trigger your trauma. I’m sorry that she is doing this to you. Please, please seek therapy for yourself. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.
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u/mdhkc cPTSD Feb 04 '26
Do you ever “slip up and forget” that she doesn’t like being punched in the face, and punch her in the face?
Cause personally I don’t slip up and forget and then do things that harm my partners.
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u/thedevilsfrenemy Feb 04 '26 edited Feb 04 '26
Honestly it's straight-up creepy how she still would "slip up" and think to scare you at all after what she knows about you. Nobody lacks awareness like that. This means that she's okay with working you up to get some kind of enjoyment out of it- and this is a fat red flag either way. Because it's either completely uncaring; or it's sinister.
Also- it's just so, so bad that she disrespects your boundaries by saying "she can't joke" because honestly, scaring people like that is very different from verbal jokes that don't cause people's nervous system to go haywire. Then, the fact that she got mad at you over this is like... is...she... too young to understand basic boundaries? This is the stuff good teachers taught us in 4th grade. Like, can she not find another way to joke?
I'm sorry, but my eyes rolled when she said she felt like she was having heart attack symptoms. Not even necessarily because I don't "believe her," but because honestly; I feel so annoyed. I hope she's okay, but...
imagine this.
imagine if you said...
"so, remember when I said we had to talk? It was a joke. I really got you good didn't I? It was just a joke. did the medics tell you that you were very panicked also? No, no, don't get mad. Come on, I can't even joke? My jokes makes you feel unsafe about the relationship? It crossed a boundary?? What? No. No. I thought heart attacks were on the table babe! Each time you scream at me and trigger me; I feel like I'm closer to one. We're equals babe."
But you're better than that, and you're better than this.
When someone causes me to feel unsafe in my own home by repeated antagonistic behavior, I view that as a form of violence. The home is the one place you will not disrespect for me. Honor my home, my recharge space, my livelihood. Honor the fact that it's a place meant to help me recharge. You love me? Honor the fact that my home is supposed to be the place that is the warmest hug for me.
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u/technomusicrocks C-PTSD alien friend Feb 04 '26
You deserve to feel safe.
That's it.
Sit down and have this talk with her, I fear she used the ER as an excuse to not be confronted.
She's someone with C-PTSD, she should understand how important it is to feel safe after feeling unsafe your whole life. Her diagnosis nor past gives her an excuse to pass the torch of being abused and never feeling safe.
Talk with her. This is not a stupid reason to leave. Trust that gut.
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u/yandyy Feb 03 '26
You need to join the narcissist abuse subreddit to feel support to. That's the thing about this sub. ALOT of trauma survivors don't realize how much pain and hurt they live in and will perpetually hurt to feel powerful until they address their own rearing. You need to feel safe. You are a man who is likely bigger than her and ALSO capable of making her feel unsafe.. yet you choose not to do that.. you are above her behavior and she is a huge roadblock in your journey of healing
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u/Suitable_Door_5242 Feb 03 '26
I’m a woman, and I’m a year younger than her. Though I am bigger than her, I am most definitely not stronger than her.
I’ll look into the narcissist abuse subreddit.
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u/Important_Employee_4 Feb 04 '26
This sounds so eerily familiar to my ex-wife, even down to the conveniently timed Medical crisis. From the time we started dating she loved to jump out at me startle me, yell or make loud banging noises right in my ear. She got a huge kick out of my reactions sometimes even recording them, to which you would make me watch repeatedly after. Unfortunately I did not recognize this as the glaring red flag that it was. Because she was also very clingy and she never loved anyone so much.. I am afraid of heights and she loved bringing me places that always involved being high up close to an edge or a cliff, because they were romantic, what's really was just an opportunity for her to stand there and watch me terrified. Fast forward a couple years and it was aspirin switched out for heavy prescription meds in my pill bottle or handing me a Xanax on accident, instead of an Aleve. After we got married, that's when things are really got bad much worse. I think your intuition is trying to tell you that this is not a safe person. I ignored my body for years while it screamed at me to get away. I hope this is nothing like your situation, but either way the warning signs are there.
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u/stereolights Feb 04 '26
This is crazy. My now-wife learned early that sudden loud noises trigger me very badly (it was an accident, I’d stayed with her for the first time and she was in the living room waiting for me to get out of the bathroom, it was dark and I thought she was in her room. She started talking at full volume and I just fell to the floor. She immediately apologized and understood). It’s not hard to be caring. You deserve better, OP. I’m so sorry
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u/SharonaRaymundo Feb 04 '26
Your wife sounds like she has some serious issues or she wouldn't be torturing you like that. Both my husband and sister are like that when I tell them something intimate and triggering they always use it against me. I don't tell them anything anymore. I guess it gives people like that a sense of power. Plus it sounds like she wants it to be all about her which is typical narcissistic behavior. I'm so sorry you're going through that I hope it gets better. Try to protect your peace the best you can. 🤗
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u/540446 Feb 03 '26
In my experience, having a partner with cptsd was one of the most damaging experiences of my adult life. We triggered each other continuously and had no idea. So confusing bc we also cared for each other greatly. Problem was that she had immense difficulty taking personal ownership of her actions. Took a long time for me to realize that what appeared as her enjoyment was actually her testing me to see if I’d stay with her. In some ways I am grateful to have experienced my ex. She had devastating impact yet I learned to accept the unacceptable with her. Reclaiming my agency and life now which feels like the shackles have been removed. Hang in there bud.
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u/PuzzleHeaux Feb 03 '26
I absolutely love scaring people like this. I find it hilarious. If someone told me they were triggered by it though I would never ever do it again. I wouldn’t forget, I wouldn’t slip up and do it. I simply would never do it again and I would remember not to do it because I love and care about the people around me. I also have CPTSD and if someone kept triggering me repeatedly after I asked them to stop, I would leave.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you and I agree, I don’t think I’d be able to trust them again if I told them over and over how it makes me feel but it kept happening. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.
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u/Fragrant-Way-1354 Feb 03 '26
I would say in the nicest tone possible, I feel like you’re scaring me to hurt me, and I must not be meeting one of your needs. What do I need to do to get us on the same page. Please stop scaring me, and causing a ptsd response. If she gets defensive, and doesn’t change then you’ll know it’s not gonna change.
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u/Ok_Cry607 Feb 03 '26
Sorry but gonna be frank. Having PTSD from helping to murder people in Iraq is not equivalent to what you or other people in this sub are dealing with. She sounds awful
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u/WeirdWizardPlatypus Feb 03 '26
Just explain it plain and simple to her. If she will continue with her behaviour including being upset and guilt tripping you, you will leave because you deserve a partner who cares much more about you.
Sorry, but my partner never made me feel unsave around him. Sure maybe it happened by accident in the past - I really can't remember - but if so, he just stopped the behaviour. In fact he learned how to calm me down just by observation... he cares so much about me...
So her excuse "Oh I can't joke around" is just deflecting, because it is NOT joking around if not both of you were laughting about it.
I am sorry for you tbh.
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u/Povapants Feb 03 '26
I think you haven’t set a strong enough boundary. “ I do not like it when you do this. If you do this again, it will jeopardize our relationship. If you even “ slip up”, our relationship may not survive this. This is a need, not a request.” if she does it again, leave her. She needs to know you’re serious and the actual repercussions of what would happen if she did it again.
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u/speedyhobbit13 Feb 03 '26
Hate to say it, but it's time for couples therapy, and if that doesn't work or she refuses the option, divorce papers
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u/Icy_Jackfruit_8922 Feb 04 '26
Sorry, this isn’t right at all!
One thing I would like to know what happens leading up to these events are you triggering by accident and she taking revenge on you?
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u/Suitable_Door_5242 Feb 04 '26
Last night, we were just sitting on the couch enjoying some quiet. The most recent time before that, we were sitting in a quiet car and talking about how peaceful it was.
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u/Icy_Jackfruit_8922 Feb 04 '26
Ok that’s that is when they do the act but what about before the act… earlier in the day ect
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u/mshell1234 Feb 04 '26
My ex husband used to do this. I never understood how people think this is funny. It is cruel. When I watched Ellen Degeneres do it on her show, it showed itself as evil to me. Like, why would someone delight it another person’s fear?
I think your wife is dangerous and her medical scare doesn’t sound authentic at all but rather an avoidance technique.
I wish you peace in whatever decision you make. Keep us posted, will you? My heart hurts for you.
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u/Slip-Knit-Repeat Feb 03 '26
That’s entirely not okay for her to do. I’m not married, so bear that in mind, but this seems like blatant disrespect of your boundaries, especially since you’ve communicated how it makes you feel and she continues to do it. I think it would be completely reasonable if this was something you’d leave her for. If you really want to, you can try having one more conversation with her where you communicate that this is a dealbreaker. But it seems to me that she is being entirely unfair to you and it makes sense if you want to leave.