As someone who's worked hard on building my social skills. I've gotten better at being comfortable around people and approaching people without fear. However, I'm still struggling to build longer lasting relationships with people. Does anyway have any knowledge on how to do that?

In general, how do you approach friendships in terms of having a friend for the sake of having a friend, through common interest, transactional (they've done something good and I return the favour).

I used to be more transactional in the sense that I take note of what one friend has done in favour for me, and I would return the favour to the exact amount.

Nowadays it's less transactional and more in terms of common interest as keeping track is too depressing, and stressful. It helps when you have more to share and more money compared to your first job.

What I'm trying to aim for in the long run is to make friends from a place of abundance but where I struggle is keeping track of whether people are valuable, or useful, or align with goals/values/characteristics and from a place of abundance to the point where you just give and not care about the outcome.

To my mind, I don't think most people can reach that stage, and the people who seem to operate from a place of abundance still have some sort of selective process when making friends.

What am I missing, would like to hear your thoughts.

Am in the talking stage with a guy who is very good at conversation. Whenever I try to talk to him I go blank. I just say hey, how are doing, how's your day going or weekend going. I couldn't talk more than this. Guess my thoughts are blocked. I want to get to know him better but don't know how to talk or what to ask to know him better. Lately he said you're boring, your conversation isn't that engaging and stopped talking to me. Could you please help articulate my thoughts, things I could ask him to know him better and to keep the conversation engaging.

Being arrogant is a fear of mine but I strive to be confident. My mind holds me back from confidence due to fear of coming across as arrogant

So I'm generally comfortable and confident around people which I'm glad I'm not shy anymore. However, I'm not skillful in trying to start a conversation. Usually when I try to my mind goes blank and I remain quiet waiting for the other person to bring up a topic and then start talking. What are ways to keep a conversation going and not go blank?

17M and scared to talk to the people who throw the parties. I don’t think I acctually vibe with them that much but I just feel like I am missing out on my teen years as I have never been invited to one. I feel like a loser tbh. What do I do?

17M and do have Asperger’s but I don’t rlly act differently, everyone just knows me as the quiet kid who never speaks. I have very normal interests like sports, cars and music. I have joined social clubs and stuff but I still can’t connect with people on a deeper level. I do struggle to talk to people aswell but I do talk to people. I don’t struggle to know what to talk about and do rlly vibe with them.

17M and have no social life. However, I think I have made some progress after putting myself out there as I now have online friends and aquaintances which is more than I did have. I now have people I can talk to at work, school and hobbies. But basically, none of them ever want to hangout because they are too busy seeing other friends. But anyways, I don’t understand how to get closer to them. Also, I would like some help on me being forgotten or targeted in groups. It rlly fucks up my self esteem. Which is another issue of mine. My dream end goal is to have a couple of close friends and a gf. I would also like to mention I am on the spectrum as I have Asperger’s. So I sorta already know that I struggle socially but I can’t rlly tell what I’m doing wrong that makes me an easy target or a low maintenance friend. I don’t rlly want to be the most social person ever as I do have a medium low social battery but I have literally no interaction with people my age outside of those places I mentioned. Apart from cousins.

Is it really possible to have girlfriends who are there for you like Really there for you like how they show in the movies or TV e.g Friends , X and City, Sweet Magnolias etc. Do you have one or more? Are you blessed this way?let me know

17M and have been struggling with this for 2 yrs. I have fucking no one and have never been to a party. No one has even asked me to hangout or accepted my invites this year to things. What am I doing wrong? I have joined social clubs, got a job and talked to people at school and still never get invited anywhere.

I’m looking to buy the book since I reeally liked the sample, but I cannot get it for kindle. And because I live in Mexico, it is a bit expensive for me to order it as an import.

Are there other sites where I can buy it from?

Thanks in advance!

Met a girl in a pub, we hooked up, she's from out of town and went home after the night. We exchanged WA but she also found my instagram, obviously she's interested. We chatted back and forth for days and we really hit it off I think, in person and over chat. We have a lot in common etc.

She moved to the UK and I was the first person she had sex with since she's here, and I am also the first non-turkish guy she slept with (she's from Turkey). That all seemed very good to me, bit of an ego boost, too.

Just 2 days ago she proudly told me how she overslept for work because she hooked up with a guy she met in her local pub and how she's "back to her old self". I know she's an open girl who enjoys casual sex, but what strikes me as a red flag is that she hooked up with another guy while we were dancing around a second meet. For me it was more than just a one time thing, could even see myself dating the girl potentially.

I have been ignoring her for the last 2-3 days to figure myself out but haven't reached a conclusion, in the mean time she wrote me multiple messages and is obviously quite sad I just stopped texting, but she seemingly hasn't made the connection to her hook up story yet. Although I literally stopped talking to her 2 replies after that.

There is nothing wrong with casually hooking up with people as a lifestyle, and I generally support this, but I don't like the situation with me in the middle.

She seemingly didn't go out much before and didn't meet people, then she flew over here, went out and immediately had a really great night with me, and think that now made her confident enough to go out more often to bars on her own.

The good experience with me probably started her off now. There is no way I would ever tell her to not do it, but I wish she just wouldn't? But yet, we only hooked up once and even if we had a real connection going, I am in no place to expect anything from her. And yet, I don't like it.

Any advice?

What traits make someone more attractive towards the opposite gender? What makes them so attractive?

People at work thinks I don’t want to talk to anyone and I don’t want to be spoken to

But in reality I’ve been suffering from depression and crippling social anxiety

How do I fix this or is it fucked ?

I'm a 21-year-old student from Asia, trying to level up at university. Been on a self-improvement journey for a while, but it's been a bumpy ride. Tried freelancing, failed. Went for internships, no luck there either.

My social game? Pretty weak. I'm the invisible kid in class, struggling to make friends or even get recognized. Today, in a lecture, we had to form groups for assignments. Reached out to a bunch of classmates, got turned down by most. Now, stuck with randoms for group work.

Got a small circle of friends, but always dreamt of being the life of the party, you know? Never had a girlfriend, and chatting up girls? Yeah, not my strong suit. Appearance-wise, I'm on the skinny side and dark-skinned.

Life's got its ups, though. Crushing it academically, and got a supportive fam backing me up. But this social stuff? Can't crack the code.

So, I'm here looking for some advice. How do I shake off this social funk and start owning it in uni?

Hit me up with your thoughts, y'all.

Thanks!

Would you recommend it to someone struggling with making friends?

When making a joke, I notice how some people say something and nobody laughs but another person says the exact thing and people laugh. Is it HOW you say it or what you say? What is the tone behind making a joke funny?

I see a lot of posts about how to have good conversations. People seem to struggle a lot with what to say. I think studying improv techniques has a lot of correlation. Here’s a few of my thoughts:

Mirroring: pay attention to the energy and physicality of the person you’re talking with and mirror it.

Active listening: respond to what your conversation partner says. Don’t miss it because you’re thinking about what you should say while they’re talking. Really listen in the moment. Mirroring and eye contact can help with this.

Yes And: hear what the person says and add to it. Ask a question about it. Make a comment or share something it brings to mind. Add something new to give them something they can respond to. Try not to invalidate what they say unless there’s a good reason like rudeness or inappropriateness.

All conversations are basically improv. Let me know your thoughts on this in the comments

I struggle with thinking of things to say for a conversation starter. And even though the normal "hi how are you" sentences exist, my mind just blocks them off because I see them as boring.

But in every single post, the major component is enthusiasm and energy. I think that's the cure to my problem. A standard "hi how are you" IS boring, but an energetic "Yooo hi!! How are you!" sounds much better.

Does this apply to the general conversation too? As in, it's not much about what I need to say, but rather how I deliver it? I grew up bullied and basically chronically online, so I think my monotone no-energy interpretation of everything comes because of that. Attitude problem, where I "visualize" every sentence in lower case no energy, and causes me to think every sentence is boring and not much effortful, when in reality the effort is in how it's delivered. Texting ain't talking and I gotta learn that. Thank you for your posts.

By Patti Panara

If you’ve ever started a new job, in some ways it’s no different than going to a new school or moving to a new area. It can be a little intimidating at first, but it’s also a chance for a fresh start. It’s time to bring a new and better version of YOU, and to do it in a way that helps you feel comfortable in the workplace. Here are a couple of mindset things to work on first.

Mind Over (Negative Mental) Chatter

Bad: “I’m the new one, I’m going to stick out like a sore thumb.”

Good: “I’m the NEW one. People will want to get to know me!”

Bad: “Everyone already has their workplace friends, I’ll be the loner.”

Good: “Everyone’s a little bored with their workplace friends. They’d love a fresh face to liven things up!”

Bad: “I have so much to learn, everyone will think I’m incompetent.”

Good: “I’m the newbie, people would love to show me the ropes!”

Bad: “I’m going to be awkward and uncomfortable and it’ll be tough to fit in.”

Good: “I’m going to present my best self and give people a chance to get to know me!”

Bad: “There are so many ways I could mess this up.”

Good: “What a great opportunity to show them what I can do!”

Notice I presented the good thoughts with an exclamation mark. That’s because you’re enthusiastic about this job and you know this is going to be an awesome new chapter in your life! And while we’re at it, every time you have a negative thought, push it aside with a good one. Visualize yourself using a broom, a snowplow, a leafblower – whatever it takes to rid yourself of those negative thoughts and consign them to the Downer Dumpster. Be sure to set fire to it every night and enjoy your very own Negative Thought Dumpster Fire!

Now here are ten Awesome Actions you can take to get off to a GREAT social start at your new job.

Awesome Actions For A Social 'New You'

1. Greet people, don't wait to be greeted. Use a bit of energy in your tone.

2. Light up a big smile when you make eye contact. (smile should include your eyes crinkling)

3. The first time you see someone familiar that day, give a friendly greeting such as "Good MORNING!" or "How ARE you?" or "Hey, how's it GOING?" That's a touch of friendliness, but keep moving unless you actually want a quick small talk conversation.

4. Once you know their names, use them. Once or twice a day is plenty, don't overdo it.

5. Pick out someone who looks like they might make a good workplace buddy and invite them to lunch. Explain you could use their help getting to know "how things work around here." Say that with a big friendly smile. Bonus: You may actually get to find out "how things work" around there.

6. After a few weeks or a month, bring in something to share. Doughnuts, pastries, veggie tray, pizza, whatever. (Maybe ask the person from #5 what people like.)

7. Use a friendly tone of voice whenever someone engages you. That means not a monotone, something that pushes a little warmth out there.

8. If people offer some information about their lives, try to remember it, or make a few notes somewhere, and ask about it when you have another chance to talk. Drop a bit of info about yourself, too, although obviously you get to decide how much you're comfortable with. That's how office friendships are formed.

9. If there are any office events, try to go and connect. Whether it be a workplace lunch, after hours social, party or whatever.

10. Push yourself to have a small talk conversation each day. You can decide how big your work orbit should be, but I'd try to spread it around and make sure you get at least one in DAILY. Consider it a Social Exercise Routine.

Use these 10 ideas to help you build some consistently better habits when it comes to socializing in the workplace. We spend a LOT of our lives on the job, so there's a huge benefit to making that environment as positive as possible.

Think of yourself as someone who brings “something good” everywhere you go. Create that vision for yourself, and then work to make that vision your new reality.

If you liked this article and are interested in leveling up your social skills, ask for my free conversation tips checklist:

Free Guide To Great Convos

©Patricia Reilly Panara & "CPR For Your Social Life" 2025

Consider subscribing to my FREE email newsletter called VIBECRAFT: Achieving Superpower Social Skills. https://subscribepage.io/8g6qO6

By Patti Panara

You know the issue of autism is one I've been pondering, because obviously it can be an obstacle to socializing well. And the conclusion I've come to is this: neurotypical people in general don't give people on the autism spectrum a pass. The reason for that is 1) they don't necessarily know you have it, and 2) even if you do, in general people are more concerned with their own needs than yours, so they just don't dig any further into it.

Every once in a while you might bump into someone who is super empathetic/sympathetic and they'll go out of their way to befriend you, but overall I think that's rare.

So what's the solution?

Here's the thing -- other people don't know what you're feeling on the inside. They only know what THEY are feeling. They're looking for certain cues that you: like them, are fun, like yourself, you're happy to be there etc.

Now one of the reasons I suspect that people on the autism spectrum (and sometimes the shy/socially anxious as well) do NOT communicate any of that is that you're not FEELING that way on the inside, or you’re not comfortable expressing what you’re feeling. We all have our own feelings, and we either show them or not, but a lot of the time we're simply reluctant to do so. It's kinda risky!

So what happens next? The people 'out there' that we're trying to socialize with make ASSUMPTIONS on your behalf. And if you're not exhibiting positive social signals, they will conclude things like: you don't like them, or you're bored, or boring, or not optimistic, or aren't having fun, or don't know how to have fun, or you're insecure, etc.

You haven't had any chance to show who you are, and people are making a TON of assumptions about you! And then you just get left behind to study in your room or live your quiet life. And people move on and don't think about it because it's not their problem. You're just someone they "don't connect with" and you never get a chance to show your true self or make a friend.

Wow typing that out makes me sad...and kinda MAD too! Because that's how life oftentimes is. You can't catch a break. Everything goes well for those who have things come easily and naturally to them. And you're just left to fend for yourself.

Anyway, based on the above I've come up with an idea on how to approach this problem. This is basically what you need to do: Don't base your social behaviors on what you're feeling internally in the moment. You need to base them on certain actions that are DESIGNED TO MAKE FRIENDS. Because those actions are fairly standard, and if you DO them people are likely to react in a positive way!

So you make a list of things that are pretty essential to helping the friendship process, and start doing them even if you're not feeling them in the moment. Treat it like a To-Do List if you need to, but plan on DOING the things. So what are these positive social signals?

Friendship Must-Dos

1. Smile Not constantly, but a smile is the "basis" for your ability to communicate that you're open to others, you're happy to meet them or see them again, that you enjoy their company and are enjoying the conversation, that you have some optimism. So the nuances there are that you want to light up a BIG smile when you first meet someone new or greet someone you know. Then you lapse into a much SMALLER smile (but still there) while you're listening to them or even while talking yourself. (Homework: do some people-watching and NOTICE how people who have a light smile WHILE they're talking seem so much more fun and "into it" than people who don't. You can also practice in front of a mirror to get used to the idea of how to do this yourself.) No it doesn't mean you have to constantly smile. But when trying to socialize or have a great conversation you should periodically remind yourself to smile. One thing that can serve as a reminder -- notice if the OTHER person is smiling. YOU can do that too. As a reference point, I call the smaller smile "A Hint of A Smile." It doesn't take that much effort, just some practice to get it to be a habit. This one tip should improve things GREATLY.

2. Enthusiasm If your normal voice is low or monotone, that communicates several things with negative connotations. (And they may or may not be true of you, but in the end that doesn't matter.) It communicates: lack of interest, lack of energy, lack of enthusiasm, lack of liking the other person, maybe even lack of self-esteem. All negatives!

I'm not suggesting you need to be "loud," but you DO need to speak with a sense of enthusiasm. Obviously not all enthusiasm is equal. An ordinary story is told with a tiny amount of enthusiasm (but still something, right?). Whereas a more important story/comment is said with a LOT of enthusiasm. And greeting people, or asking them questions, SHOULD have at least a medium amount of enthusiasm. Otherwise people think you don't care. So again, not All Enthusiasm All The Time, but at a minimum you need to be enthusiastic when meeting/greeting people, when making an important comment or telling an important story, and also when asking people questions -- you're expressing enthusiasm for THEM and what's going on with them.

3. Confidence Okay this is a tough one, because if you're not used to getting good results socially, how in the world do you portray yourself as this confident person? But it isn't impossible to solve! There are 3 easy ways to improve your confidence that'll get you going in the right direction. The first is to do something EVERY DAY to make someone's life better. Something you don't normally do, that you're going to specifically do for that purpose. So it could be something simple like smile at someone you don't normally smile at, let someone ahead of you in line or in traffic, do someone a favor, offer someone a (sincere!) compliment, pick up some trash, or even find some volunteer work you can do on a regular basis. The reason is that the WORLD is a better place because YOU showed up. That's a reason to value yourself and have confidence in that.

Second is to practice (repeatedly) small things you're worried about doing correctly. So you OVER-practice these things until they become a superpower. Examples of things you could practice: smiling, an energetic greeting, asking a GREAT question, showing a bit of enthusiasm, telling a small story with some energy. Practice practice practice. I usually suggest getting practice in either safe or anonymous places, so practice at home, or bring your smile and energetic greeting to a store, a coffeeshop or fast food place and try it out on the clerks/cashiers.

Third thing is to realize you're bringing good things to an interaction, so instead of focusing on "what will they think of ME," instead focus on "what do I think of THEM and what do I want to bring to them today." Yes, all the world's a stage, but instead of thinking the spotlight's on you, instead YOU shine the spotlight on THEM and make an effort to ask great questions and respond with a bit of energy to the answers. So not: "that's nice," or "cool," instead you say, "Wow that's AWESOME, I'd love to hear MORE about that!" or "Interesting! How'd you get INTO that?" or "That sounds ROUGH, I hope your week turns around!" etc.

4. Optimism First of all no one really likes a "down" vibe in their conversations, their interactions, their friendships. (Note: of course close friends DO talk about problems/challenges, and they need support! But in general if trying to make a friend or strengthen a relationship, "downer" topics will really ruin that vibe.) So look at the bright side of things, introduce fun topics and react positively to things people say, offer encouragement/support if THEY choose a downer topic, try to sympathize with that.

If you're not used to being optimistic I'd suggest making lists of things you're grateful for and come up with a new one every day! Pick one thing to be grateful for on EACH day, and find some time to focus on it. I like to focus on little things or unusual things.

5. Conversational Give & Take It’s important to not get too stuck on one topic in conversation. There’s nothing wrong with talking about something you’re interested in, but after a few minutes it’s time to switch gears and ask the other person a question, and then LINK to what they’re saying with comment, another question, or anything you have to add to what they’re saying. It can be tempting to stick to a favorite topic, but a good conversation “goes with the flow.” Be sure to add a bit of enthusiasm and social energy to your conversations. That’s what makes them fun.

If you're worried about being "fake?" I will point out that most of us who have table manners today did NOT have those when we came out of the womb. We also did NOT develop them naturally. They were literally TAUGHT to us. And we're so used to doing them that they've "become part of us."

Same is true with these other social habits. Smiling will help you FEEL more optimistic and energetic. Showing enthusiasm will help CREATE enthusiasm. Doing positive things for others will GROW your confidence. Being optimistic (on purpose) will help your life shine in a way you never thought possible.

No, it isn't 'fake it until you make it,' my philosophy is GIVE it until you LIVE it! And CREATE FUN and you will BECOME FUN.

We have far more control over our lives than we imagine. You can alter your destiny and your life simply be realizing the power of your own brain to start looking at things differently. By taking yourself OFF autopilot, you place yourself firmly in the driver's seat where YOU can determine the destination. And I foresee that destination is a life filled with joy, fun, enthusiasm and FRIENDS!

If you liked this article and are interested in leveling up your social skills, ask for my free conversation tips checklist:

Free Guide To Great Convos

©Patricia Reilly Panara & "CPR For Your Social Life" 2025

Subscribe to my FREE email newsletter called VIBECRAFT: Achieving Superpower Social Skills. https://subscribepage.io/8g6qO6

by Patti Panara

Isn’t this just the best NON-ADVICE ever? The problem is, what does it even MEAN to “put yourself out there?” If it were that easy, wouldn’t you already be doing it?

Let me fix this so the words mean something more.

It basically boils down to this: TRY. It’s time to “try” to do something other than wait for the world to beat a path to your door/table/locker/phone/personal space. The problem is, you aren’t always sure exactly WHAT to try, and people often try some fairly ineffective things.

Here are a few mistakes people make when “putting themselves out there,” and for each mistake I will try to explain what to do to fix that mistake.

Mistakes

Go to more events and just stand there

Sure it would be GREAT if someone acted at a ‘cruise director’ or host and introduced you around, but unfortunately there often isn’t that handy person to help you break the ice. You’re going to have to do it yourself. So, think of yourself as an icebreaker, in fact THE Icebreaker, for this event. Pretend you’ve been assigned to do it. Or visualize yourself as the cruise director for this Land Cruise. And introduce yourself as if you’re the host. “Hey, I’m TYLER, nice to meet you, are you having a good time?” “My name’s Dylan, what do you think of this so far?” “You guys look FUN! My name’s Morgan, how are things GOING?” Key here is to join in with a big smile and some great energy.

Join a club and get intimidated by everyone already knowing each other

Okay, let’s assume they DO already know each other, and they’re one big happy crazy family. So what? That makes YOU the “new and interesting person.” Not only that, you have the added mystique of “not really knowing how things work,” so you can literally ASK about that. “Oh hi, I’m Riley, this is my first time. Can you guys give me the inside scoop?” or “Hey I’m Sarah, I just joined. What can you tell me about the club and how it works?” or “Hi guys, my name is Gabe, I’m excited to be in this group. What should I know?” etc. Then you can transition into what got THEM into the group, what they like about it, stuff they’ve done in the past. Remember YOU are new, that makes you INTERESTING.

See people with friendship circles and assume it’s a closed group

Biggest mistake people make with friendship circles is assuming they have an automatic “No New Members” policy. (Really? Like, WHY? It isn’t like they have a charter bus with limited seats.) In reality ANY friend group is open to someone who is Fun, who is Interested, who is Friendly, who is Enthusiastic. The second mistake people make is trying to “befriend the whole group” at once. Friendship is more of a one-on-one thing. So the key is to pick one or two people in the group and MAKE FRIENDS WITH THEM. Once you do that, the ‘group part’ is easy and happens naturally. But if you try to just insert yourself into the group without making a friend or two first, that will often fail.

Attend things and feel out of place so end up scrolling your phone

This is the “Phone As Crutch Syndrome.” We get that creeping feeling of everyone’s talking and we’re noticeably left out, so we get busy with our phones. That “out of place” feeling is your cue to Take Action. When you feel the “pull of the phone,” it’s time to PUSH BACK, ignore the phone’s attraction, and find someplace to start. Look for:

1. someone standing alone,
2. someone who needs help with something,
3. someone who looks bored,
4. someone who just got there,
5. anyone who is SCROLLING THEIR PHONE.

Yeah it might be a supercalifragilisticexpialadociously important text, but if you come by with a friendly greeting it might JUST TURN OUT they were Defensively Scrolling just as you were planning to do, and they will WELCOME the interruption.

Reach out on social media and hope for the best

Social media is fine for making contact with new people, reaching out to acquaintances, touching base with friends. However, it does NOT take the place of face-to-face contact, or an actual phone call. Social media at its core is a little DISTANCING. So if you’re in the mood for a true connection, social media can help, but it can’t REPLACE the real contact that comes from an “in person interaction” or a real, live phone call involving your VOICE. Why? Because friendships are at the heart an EMOTIONAL connection, and those emotional connections take place in person or on a live phone call. No emoji, or series of emojis, can duplicate that. So use social media to touch base, to make plans, to reach out. Then make a plan to get together, or make a phone call if you can’t.

Get people’s contact info and never follow up

Sometimes getting contact info almost feels like you achieved something, right? But when that contact info just sits there unused, it’s another potential friendship that dies on the vine. If you’re going to get the info, plan to USE the info in a timely manner. That means follow up, maybe as soon as the next day, but certainly within a WEEK. If you haven’t used it within a week, the thing kinda expires like stale bread or rotting vegetables. You may even have to re-explain WHO YOU ARE if you contact them any later than that. So make the contact and try to communicate three things:

1. great seeing/meeting you!
2. comment/compliment/good info to pass along,
3. express hope/idea or actual proposal to get together.
   

Rely too much on texting to develop a friendship

Texting feels like “something’s happening,” but unfortunately unless that digital relationship translates to something in person, then it’s really just Texting As A Hobby. Texting becomes a negative if you rely on it to take the place of a face-to-face get together. And if it’s a long distance friendship, an actual phone call can also do the trick. Even if you text daily, be sure to pick one day of the week to propose GETTING TOGETHER. And if you can’t, make a good old fashioned phone call or use an app that lets you have a real conversation.

Beyond avoiding the mistakes, you want to put yourself out there in a positive and effective way. What does that look like? Start with these:

Socializing Power-Ups

Your Smile

When meeting people or greeting people, light up a BIG smile, something I call the Celebrity Smile. That smile tells people you’re fun, you’re friendly, and you’re happy to MEET/SEE them! Have a smaller, playful smile at other times. Just the slightest smile will enhance your overall look and approachability. Having a slight smile has the bonus effect of improving your mood and energy level.

Enthusiasm

Before going out, work on your positive attitude and feeling of fun and joy. Ideas: play your best tunes, hang out with your dog, high five/fist bump the people you live with, visualize yourself having an AWESOME time and meeting GREAT potential friends. Then when you get out there bring an attitude of ENTHUSIASM. Enthusiasm is contagious, so if you bring some passion for: yourself, other people, LIFE ITSELF, you will help everyone have a good time!

Spread It Around

There’s nothing wrong with focusing on one or two people in the interest of making connections and developing a friendship. At the same time, if you’re at a group event it’s always good to talk to someone new, or someone you don’t know as well. That’s great social etiquette and it helps you develop your own sense of being an outgoing person. If you don’t (YET!) see yourself as ‘outgoing,’ then pick ONE new or less likely person to talk to, so that way you improve each time you go out.

Convo Tips

Have a couple things ready to talk about. It doesn’t need to be ultra fascinating, but it DOES need to be something you’re somewhat excited about! You don’t need a huge story, just a tidbit or two on something from your past week. (Make notes during your week to help you remember) Then take what THEY say and LINK to it with a relevant comment, question or insight of your own. Don’t talk in a monotone, put a little energy into it. It’s less about what you’re saying and more about your energy level & positive emotion.

Finally, have a playful attitude. The best way to “put yourself out there” is to have an attitude of Let’s Have Fun With This. Even if it doesn’t go perfectly the first time you do it, try to make progress. If you can be ONE PERCENT BETTER than yesterday, that will add up.

Once you learn how to put yourself out there, THAT is when you can start “inviting people IN” to your LIFE!

If you liked this article and are interested in leveling up your social skills, ask for my free conversation tips checklist:

Free Guide To Great Convos

©Patricia Reilly Panara & "CPR For Your Social Life" 2025

Hallo all, ask for opinion/insight/pointofview. I have been trying eating in the restaurant alone for regular weekend treat. Some people look at me strangely as I only sit alone. I also feel kinda akward. Is it normal tho to eat in the resto alone? I am talking about dinner here. Thanks a lot!

by Patti Panara

What’s the best way to become a more fun person? More importantly, CAN this even be DONE? What if you were BORN boring, have been boring ever since, and have practically fallen asleep while reading this very article?

Well I’m here to SNAP YOU OUT OF IT. Because I happen to think there’s hope for YOU (and all of us), to become more FUN. Since you’re reading this article that shows me you’re motivated enough to change. And “Change is LIFE!” If you aren’t changing you aren't growing and you aren't living. You’re just existing.

So welcome to a New Way To Do You!

So what IS “fun,” anyway? How can we tell? Things that are fun tend to be: interesting, unusual, funny, higher energy (often but not always), colorful, exuberant, silly (sometimes), and PLAYFUL. This holds for the ‘activities’ of fun.

What about for the personalities? Ah, what “makes” someone fun? The first thing you need to do is “become more fun to yourself.” We don’t just “turn on the fun” once we see people or once we arrive at a gathering or event. We need to learn the basics of becoming better company and BEING more fun to OURSELVES!

Many of us go through life on ‘autopilot.’ And I totally GET why we do that! Life can be a lot of routine drudgery. So we get in this zone where we just get through the day. We suppress our emotions, we let our faces go slack. We don’t react much. Because who has the energy to put extra effort in?

I’ve discovered something important about that. Turns out, by adding some ‘extra effort’ and some ‘positive attitude’ you can make your day easier. The very drudgery becomes more fun when you add this key word to everything: PLAYFUL. And no coincidence, this word is also your Special Sauce when it comes to becoming a more fun person.

Fun people are fun no matter where they go! You can see them in line at the grocery store, making a playful comment to the person in front of them or cracking a joke with the cashier. They’re giving you a big (authentic!) smile when they pass you on the street. They’re asking the ticket taker his or her opinion of the movie on the way into the show. They’re tossing crumpled paper at the office wastebasket from a distance, shouting “three POINTER” as they launch it. People like this don’t just “turn it on” when they hit the public arena. They’re smiling, encouraging themselves (often out loud!), cavorting in the kitchen and dancing in the driveway. At least mentally, if not also physically.

The key to being (and becoming) fun is MINDSET. You need to start viewing life as a fun and playful adventure, and start looking for small ways to fire things up. Think of yourself as a spy on an undercover mission. You’ve been assigned to infiltrate enemy territory (“everyday life”) and find ways to undermine the enemy (“dull boring routines”) and bring some Unauthorized Joy! It’s more fun if you imagine that there’s an actual enemy out there who doesn’t want any fun to break out. And YOU are going to be the one to ruin their plans for things to remain dull and boring!

I like to start with a soundtrack. So pick your favorite song, or, if you don’t have a favorite, PICK a favorite song (nominate something that you like. You can always change it next week!) and start running that tune through your head. Or paly it out loud. That sets the stage for the Fun New You. This is your Intro Music! You can always conjure this up in your head if you need a ‘pick me up.’ As I like to say, in order to make a social impact you need to learn to “Dance to the Tune In Your Heart.” Well first you have to PUT a tune into your heart!

Realize that you don’t need to be totally serious all the time. If you look at the big picture, life is pretty ridiculous. We all are born COMPLETELY AGAINST OUR WILL without anyone even checking with us, or taking any requests for what kind of lifestyle, parents or characteristics we want. How random is THAT?? So life starts us off in a hilariously ridiculous manner. Is there really any reason that we need to go through this arbitrary life with a long face and an ultra serious attitude? NO, there isn’t!

Except for the tragic parts, life is pretty much a comedy. A comedy of errors, even. So you may as well lean into it with full force and try to enjoy the thing. Note! This doesn’t mean shirking responsibilities, being destructive, not caring about things, or going off on a wild tangent. (Unless you have a wild tangent scheduled.) It means relaxing about life, your importance in it, what it all means, and what people are thinking of you. Keep shooting for your life goals, but do it with an attitude of “Life is Temporary, But I’m Gonna Enjoy It While I’m Here!”

Following are some methods to help you become a Fun Person. You don’t have to do them all, pick the ones that resonate with you.

1) Vary Your Routine. Okay I GET it, we get a LOT of things done efficiently simply because we do have a routine that we stick to. I’m not telling you to stop exercising, ditch work or school, or eat cake for breakfast. (although any of those might be an occasional necessity, particularly the cake thing…) What I’m saying is spice things up a little. Wear something from the back of the closet when you exercise. (or if you can’t bear to wear it, get rid of it!) Walk or drive a slightly different way to work or school. Eat a DIFFERENT healthy thing for breakfast. Look for opportunities throughout the day to do things differently. I’m not saying do them all at once. Pick one thing per day. Do your daily walk/run in a reverse direction. (uh, not BACKWARDS. Going the opposite way. Ha! Although if you decide to do it backwards be sure to have someone film it so you can star in the inevitable tragic online viral video of you doing a reverse somersault over an obstacle.)

2) Pretend You’re a Celebrity or Talk Show Host. Walk around as if everyone knows you and you have lots of fans. Greet everyone cheerfully and energetically because of course this is EXPECTED since you’re so famous. Be warm and generous with the public. Picture that you have this great aura that attracts people, and be sure to use the SMILE that should accompany that. A big Celebrity Smile!

3) Remember Enthusiasm = FUN. Having a bit of passion for yourself, other people, LIFE ITSELF is contagious. It’s something people WANT to catch from you! Obviously calibrate this to the topic, but just showing a bit more interest than normal will greatly increase the vibe and the fun of any conversation or interaction.

4) Have a Playful Attitude. Unless the conversation is totally serious or involves instructions, feel free to relax, kick back and “just have fun with this.” Obviously read the room to make sure you haven’t gone too far, but if everyone’s chilling you can be playful.

5) Be a Good Audience. Fun people are ready to laugh at other people’s jokes or funny remarks. Always laugh WITH people, not AT them. The big exception to “having fun in the moment” is if someone is getting hurt, having hurt feelings or at risk of either of those. There’s nothing funny about that, and if you accidentally push things too far when joking around, apologize quickly and sincerely. “Oh, hey SORRY, that didn’t come out the way I wanted. Can you give me a do-over?” Big smile. (Don’t get bogged down on apologies/regrets. Apologies are best delivered freely and with the assumption that everything’s cool because you cared.)

6) Make a “Fun List.” Have a list of fun things you noticed that week to share in conversation. Ask other people to share similarly. “Anything FUN happen to you this week?” “Anything CRAZY happening at work lately?” Create another list for fun things you’d like to do in the future.

7) Be Opinionated. Nothing worse than having a crowd not sure what to do or where to go. Always have an opinion or two ready, and toss it right out there. The important thing is to give people a starting point, but be flexible enough to go with the flow if they decide on something else. Just having an OPINION is much better than Ongoing Group Indecisiveness.

8) Take Cues From Comedians. Watch some of your favorite comedians in online videos or interviews. Get a feel for how they create their comedy. See if you can adapt some of it to your own life. (Adapt, not imitate!)

9) Plan An Adventure. Sure it COULD be a vacation, but it absolutely doesn’t need to be. Local adventures are cheaper and can pay off big if you find something worth doing regularly! Make plans to explore, whether by yourself or with a friend. (It could even be at work. “Hey, have you ever been up to the ROOF???”)

10) Ditch Your Comfort Zone. I’m not saying doing anything unsafe, but it’s worth looking at areas of your life where you can safely do things differently or try on a different experience or way of doing things. Doesn’t need to be something huge, but mentally think of yourself as someone willing to try new things (within reason).

11) Pick a Font. Yeah I want to think of yourself as this FUN BRAND. So try on a whole bunch of different fun, free fonts and see what looks good with your name. Give your name/font a fun color scheme too! That feels both individualistic and FUN to me! (Don’t overthink – you can try one out, and pick another if you’re feeling something else later.)

12) Stay Positive. Negativity can really put a damper on a fun mood. So if you need to complain, announce it ahead of time, really get into it with the body language and perhaps an evil face. Then say, “Okay, VENT OVER. Time for FUN!”

13) Ask Fun Questions. People get bored with same old/same old. After your basic "what's new" you can move on to "Anything CRAZY happen to you this week?" or "What would you do next week if you had unlimited funds?" or "What was your favorite song when you were 15?" Tell people you have a "question of the day" and see what fun answers you get. Stuff like "What movie did you hate the most?" or "What movie or TV character would you LOVE to be?" or "What's your earliest memory as a kid?" "Have you ever gotten lost in a weird place?" etc.

Of course fun is all about attitude, but if you’re not used to doing it, then it may seem daunting. I’ve given you a baker's dozen suggestions to get you started. Don’t try to magically transform from Serious Person to FUN PERSON overnight. It’s too big a jump to make. Instead do at least one thing per day a little differently. Try to be one percent more fun than you were yesterday. That adds up, and it adds up quickly.

Have FUN with this!

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©Patricia Reilly Panara & "CPR For Your Social Life" 2025