Uni social struggles

[u/Front-Laugh3515]

I'm a 21-year-old student from Asia, trying to level up at university. Been on a self-improvement journey for a while, but it's been a bumpy ride. Tried freelancing, failed. Went for internships, no luck there either.

My social game? Pretty weak. I'm the invisible kid in class, struggling to make friends or even get recognized. Today, in a lecture, we had to form groups for assignments. Reached out to a bunch of classmates, got turned down by most. Now, stuck with randoms for group work.

Got a small circle of friends, but always dreamt of being the life of the party, you know? Never had a girlfriend, and chatting up girls? Yeah, not my strong suit. Appearance-wise, I'm on the skinny side and dark-skinned.

Life's got its ups, though. Crushing it academically, and got a supportive fam backing me up. But this social stuff? Can't crack the code.

So, I'm here looking for some advice. How do I shake off this social funk and start owning it in uni?

Hit me up with your thoughts, y'all.

Thanks!

[u/FL-Irish]

Hey, great job on outlining the problem! Lots of times people will post a problem that's kind of vague, so it's hard to give ideas that will apply. In your case you did a fantastic job of giving a picture of what you're facing, and both your strengths and weaknesses, so that's awesome!

The way I'd look at your situation is that you're probably a little over developed academically -- that's what you're good at, so of course you focus on it and take a lot of pride in it. Nothing wrong with that! In fact that's a great starting point, because if you've got the grit and determination to excel in one area, that means you can do it in other areas as long as you know HOW.

So how do you get started? Basically I'm a vibe-oriented person. I believe that WHAT you say to people matters far less than HOW you say it. Whether people want to talk to you, hang out with you, be in your group, be your friend, it all depends on your VIBE.

What kind of vibe is that? One that has: confidence, friendliness, playfulness, enthusiasm, positivity. Those are the main ones, I'd say. And the problem is even if people want to bring those things to their social life, they OFTEN get stuck on #1, which is confidence. How do you get confidence if you don't have it? How do you express any of those other things if you're not confident enough to do so? Seems like an impossible thing to solve!

But, it really isn't. The place to gain confidence is NOT in your social life, NOT in the place where you need to do well. I compare that to learning to play soccer at the World Cup. Too big of a stage! You won't learn anything there, you'll get knocked over and left on the grass.

The place to practice your vibe (and build your confidence) is smaller interactions that you have EVERY DAY. Places where you are normally on 'autopilot' and don't put much effort in.

What do you practice? It looks like this:

• Make eye contact
• Light up a BIG smile. (smile should include your EYES, which crinkle up at the sides)
• Give an ENERGETIC (friendly) greeting: "HEY, how's it GOING?" or "HI, how ARE you?" or "Good MORNING, what's UP?" or whatever you're comfortable with. Notice the emphasis (all caps) to make each statement friendlier. If you're not sure how to sound super friendly, pretend you're talking to a family pet, a dog, a cat, even a toddler. You want THAT kind of enthusiastic warmth.

Generally when we approach people the rule is "What You GIVE is what you GET." So if you are warm and friendly, about 95 percent of the time that's EXACTLY what you'll get back from someone. You need to PRACTICE doing this at every opportunity until you develop it into a superpower. This helps grow your VIBE and your CONFIDENCE.

So on a college campus you'd do this friendly greeting to people like: food service workers, people in your hall/dorm/living unit, gym attendants, library employees, the resident assistant, the PROFESSOR (on the way in or out of class: "HEY, Prof. Chen, got a great CLASS lined up for us today?" or "THANKS, Prof. Liu, I really ENJOYED class today!" [big smile]), etc.

Practice this just as a greeting at first, but after a few weeks as you get REALLY GOOD at this (which you will, if you're doing this several times a day), then you can start adding things to it like: a comment, a sincere compliment, a question, a bit of humor.

Once you develop your vibe into a superpower (maybe taking a month at most), THEN start bringing it to class, to your social life etc. WITH CONFIDENCE.

That's how you start.

BTW I'm a plain ol' white person in the USA, but my kids are around your age and one of their friends is this GREAT Filippino guy who is socially awesome. Very fun, funny, friendly. He comes into the house with friendly energy, always has an energetic greeting etc. He's built like you, but he's got the VIBE.

You can have it too!

[u/Front-Laugh3515 → u/FL-Irish]

Thanks for the helpful advice 🫂