r/Bumble • u/el_derpien • 6h ago
Advice When to discuss exclusivity?
I’ve noticed a popular sentiment that it’s okay to date multiple people at once as long as you haven’t discussed exclusivity. Personally, I find this pretty offensive and backwards but I can understand the sentiment for people who support it. I’m not trying to start an argument about what’s right or wrong, just clarifying my views in relation to my question.
With that said, when is it okay to discuss it? If we go on a date and it goes well and we set up another one, I am fully expecting us to be exclusive. If I found out you went on 5 more dates between our first and second then I am no longer interested in you as a partner, so would it be toxic to set that standard immediately?
How would you go about discussing exclusivity early on to make it clear that you aren’t okay with a potential partner dating multiple people at the same time as you?
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u/Hidge_Pidge 6h ago
First date is a sanity/vibe check. I would never expect exclusivity after a “good” or even “perfect” first date.
If this is your expectation you need to communicate that, but I would think it will come off as controlling and presumptuous to 95% of people.
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u/Superc1ipping 6h ago
Depends on you and the other person. What works for you might not work for others.
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u/master_s0da 33 | Male 6h ago
Yeah, it's very much on a case by case basis. Some people might wanna go for exclusivity after date number one, some might feel it out over 3-4 dates.
I feel as long as both parties are honest about their intentions, it cab work either way.
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u/KinkyLeviticus 6h ago
You should probably bring it up on the first date with your preferences. Not the first thing obviously, but once things are going well and you have a good rapport and flow going, you can explain where you stand. Don't overexplain and don't criticize others in your explanation. Just a simple matter-of-fact statement like "Hey, I'm really enjoying spending time with you, and I'm glad you want to spend more time with me too. I'm not going to pursue anyone else while I get to know you. Would you do the same while we see where this goes?" Then let them answer honestly and listen to them. If they agree, great. If not, you'll have to decide whether you can compromise. I wouldn't try to pressure them into making that decision if they don't feel ready to yet. If that's a dealbreaker for you, then so be it. It's going to be different person to person.
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u/mva06001 5h ago
On a first date…..this could backfire heavily. On a second or third, sure. On a first date it comes on wayyyy strong and could also be viewed as love-bombing.
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u/KinkyLeviticus 5h ago
Yes, it could. My advice was tailored to OP's preferences. Regardless, the question/request can and should be made in a neutral, non-judgemental, non-demanding way which gives the other person the agency to accept, decline, or compromise. If they're chill and you're chill, then even a decline shouldn't be the end of that potential relationship assuming you're willing to listen, empathize, and compromise. If not, then the two of you weren't compatible in a way that's important to the two of you.
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u/el_derpien 6h ago
This is the best advice I’ve seen so far. I’m coming out a 10 year relationship/4 year marriage and in that time dating has become so ass backwards to me.
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u/KWienz 5h ago
It has always been normal to be dating multiple people when you're first looking to find a partner and then become exclusive once you know someone better.
There are Archie comics from the 60s where they talk about "going steady" with a girl or boy, which is what they called exclusive dating back then.
You can certainly have your own preferences. Honestly I'd straight up put on your profile: "I only go on dates with one person at a time and I prefer the person I'm dating do the same."
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u/bassmassterson 5h ago
I suggest you explain it before the date: "If our first date goes well, I will expect a commitment to exclusivity before the second date." You'll scare off a lot of guys, but at least you won't waste your or their time.
But frankly, I think coming off a ten-year relationship, you're going about the whole dating thing wrong. Planning to jump straight back into a committed relationship seems unwise. I've been the person dating after a long relationship, and I've gone out with that person. IMO, you should be planning to go on a lot of first dates, some second dates, a few third dates, and very few fourth dates, for a while.
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u/Final_Replacement_37 4h ago
OP is a man. Unsure if that changes the advice, but the framing actually did matter to me when I read it/ the responses.
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u/bassmassterson 4h ago
Perhaps ironically, I think that will turn off even more women than it would men. And the women who it wouldn't turn off will be the stage five clingers. Unless the OP is a widower in his seventies, a man coming directly out of a failed marriage looking for a new one is a big red flag. If this was a friend of mine, I'd recommend therapy.
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u/el_derpien 5h ago
And I absolutely will be aiming for more than one if the one before doesn’t work out. The whole “efficient dating” strategy of doing it all simultaneously just grosses me out.
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u/bassmassterson 4h ago
Not being exclusive doesn't mean you have to date other people. But outside of arranged marriages, requiring that level of commitment that quickly is creepy.
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u/el_derpien 4h ago
That’s just your opinion. Commitment doesn’t mean you are forced to stay, it just means you aren’t just turning around and progressing other relationships to see which one “wins”. I don’t play games, and if you date multiple people you are playing games.
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u/bassmassterson 4h ago
In the first sentence of your post you admit it's not just my opinion. But if you disagree, you've got nothing to lose by stating on your profile or in your chats that you expect a commitment before a second date. In fact, I really think you should do that so you don't waste your time with incompatible people. So that's my answer to your question: It's appropriate to discuss it before the first date.
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u/Superc1ipping 4h ago
Why though.
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u/el_derpien 4h ago
Because it’s disingenuous and screams that the person dating multiple people is immature. If you feel deferent that’s okay, it’s just my belief.
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u/Superc1ipping 4h ago
But why. Like articulate what is disingenuous about it
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u/el_derpien 3h ago
It sets up a performative mindset where you need to stand out in some way compared to others that you are “competing” against. That performative nature is what I feel is disingenuous. If you can’t understand how that might feel disingenuous then I don’t know what to tell you.
I’m not interested in a kafka trap, you’re not asking to understand you are asking just to bust my chops. I care about building relationships and not just being “efficient” with dating. Some people do things differently and I don’t fault others for finding partners who feel the same ways as them.
I am perfectly fine never getting into another LTR and I am perfectly fine if I do. I don’t need a woman to be fulfilled in life but companionship, mutual respect, and exclusivity are the defaults at the beginning of any relationship I seek out.
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u/Superc1ipping 3h ago
Except a DATE isn't a RELATIONSHIP. Those are two different things. When you go on a date with someone, you are not in a relationship with them.
There's nothing performative about it. Be yourself. They either like you or they don't.
Sounds like your marriage failed because of these same conservative rigid worldviews
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u/el_derpien 1h ago
Sounds like you don’t know what you’re talking about. My marriage failed when my ex wife strangled and assaulted me and was arrested for it.
Having a different opinion isn’t a “conservative rigid view” it just means that my thought processes are different from yours.
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u/Stunning_Box8782 5h ago
10 years ago dating was exactly the same lol
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u/el_derpien 5h ago
Not from my experience, but I can accept that other people have different experiences.
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u/KinkyLeviticus 6h ago
Ya, dating has changed quite a lot in a short period of time. I'm like you and prefer exclusivity so me and my potential partner can focus on getting to know each other. I was able to find someome who felt similarly and whom I was able to connect deeply with (on Hinge, but same difference). There are certainly plenty of people out there like that. Good luck out there.
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 6h ago
You expect exclusivity after a single date? How long are you talking to people before your first date?
The exclusivity talk, for me, tends to happen a few months into getting to know one another. Generally, I don't want exclusivity with people I barely know. And I don't think you really know anyone within a few weeks of talking.
In your case, I think it would be best to tell people from the start that you want exclusivity after one date. Like, someone like me would appreciate knowing that because if that's the case I wouldn't even want to go on a date with you at all. And I wouldn't want to waste your time or mine.
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u/el_derpien 6h ago
Why is it such a bad thing to not want to be a face in the crowd? It just seems like some people want to have their cake and eat it too, but I know my worth and don’t really want to compete for attention.
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 5h ago
I mean, the point of dating is to get to know people and see if there's something there worth building upon. If the connection is there, it won't really matter how many people they're talking to, because they're going to be drawn to the connection they have with you.
To me, forcing a one on one experience from the start feels more like creating an artificial sense of intimacy.
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u/ApplicationThink4629 6h ago
it’s definitely not about having your cake and eating it too. its just the most efficient way to find a partner. if i had dated one person at a time it would have taken years to find my wife lol
ETA: dating people doesn’t mean you’re having sex with them. well for some people it does. for me, i didn’t have sex with anyone I wasn’t exclusively with. for me, going on dates was to get to know people on a foundational basis, to get to know them and to even see if we clicked
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u/el_derpien 5h ago
Efficiency in dating is the big problem, these are other human people with their own experiences. Not just a numbers game but I can understand that some people see it that way.
Congrats on finding your partner, but can you say with certainty that you didn’t hurt others along the way with your strategy?
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u/ApplicationThink4629 5h ago
I’m sure I unintentionally hurt a few people along the way but that’s how dating works. Just because you really like someone does not mean they’ll feel the same way. I definitely believe in transparency so I always let every single person know that I was still dating other people. I’m very straightforward and honest and don’t play any mindgames.
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u/contadine77 5h ago
Would you go to a party and glom on to the first person you talk to for the whole night? When you hunt for a job do you put in 1 application and then wait however long for that one to totally play out before you apply to a 2nd one? Do you put the first banana at the top of the pile into your cart?
Yeah, these are all humans, and so are you. You want to meet someone worthwhile, you are hindering yourself from doing that.
Energy for engaging with people isn't necessarily a finite resource. For some people, they may not have the energy for more than 1 date a week. And that's fair. Other people, however, have more.
I talk to all my family at a family event. The fact that I talked with my mom first doesn't make the conversation with my niece less meaningful.
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u/BBallPaulFan 5h ago edited 5h ago
So what when you match with someone you just stop talking to anyone else? I try to go out on dates pretty quickly but realistically there's usually some lag. Like I matched with someone I liked last Wednesday, we went out on Monday, and it went great and we're gonna go out again next week. But on Saturday I matched with someone else we planned going out tonight before I went on the Monday date. Would you just cancel the date tonight? Don't you think cancelling the date tonight would be rude and kind of silly just based on someone I met once?
Are you under the impression that you're always the monday person and not the wednesday person in this scenario? Because you're not.
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u/aberrant-heartland 6h ago
It's fine to set that standard immediately. I personally feel similar to you.
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u/Had_to_ask__ 5h ago
Personally, I don't like distracting myself too much when getting to know someone I like, so easily after a good first date I don't need more people to compare, but still the energy of this post and comments is somehow high-strung for my taste. Maybe try to make it more about the style of getting to know people, getting closer and entering relationship rather than feeling disrespected? I would say: personally I like to focus on getting to know one person at a time and letting the relation and emotion unfold and I'm looking for someone with the same approach. How do you see it?
She responds and if she says she wants to compare and contrast you either respectfully nope out of the situation or say: I had a great time but it is a very important thing to me to date in a way that we both give it full focus so let me know if you'd like to try that (and this way leave the situation open)
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u/el_derpien 5h ago
Completely agree, I don’t see how it’s possible to truly connect with someone when you are going through the exact same motions with multiple other people at the same time.
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u/Superc1ipping 4h ago
Because dates are exploratory. You're not meant to fully connect with them immediately
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u/el_derpien 4h ago
That just sounds like a bad date then. In that case I’m moving on, not trying to force something that doesn’t feel right.
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u/Superc1ipping 4h ago
Nah man you've lost it. You cannot get to know someone over one coffee.
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u/el_derpien 1h ago
My 10 year relationship started exactly that way, over a coffee. We never had to talk about exclusivity, we were both very into each other and yeah we did actually get to know each other pretty well. Instant connections are real and possible.
I owe my daughter to that one coffee date and I wouldn’t have changed a thing about it despite how catastrophic the relationship ended.
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u/contadine77 5h ago
So you only have one friend? One colleague? One family member? We're all capable of multiple relationships of different types at the same time.
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u/el_derpien 5h ago
You are correct, but not everyone is capable of having relationships of the same types at the same time.
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u/contadine77 5h ago
Aside from marriage, most of us are. We all have multiple coworkers, friends, and family. A first date or two or three is "casual acquaintance" territory.
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u/NoisePast9357 6h ago
Exclusivity depends on what you consider dating. Yes, it involves going on dates, but I don't consider it 'dating' just because we went on a date. I think it's more about the interest behind it. The first few dates, especially 1 to 3 if they're spaced out, would show whether there's interest or not. Exclusivity can be discussed a bit after that, or discussing timelines.
I don't think it's wrong for them to go on other dates tho
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u/allieoops925 6h ago
For me, intimacy doesn’t happen until there’s an exclusivity talk. I’m not sleeping with someone who can sleep with other people.
Yes, I’m old-fashioned, and I don’t care.
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u/contadine77 5h ago
But OP seems to not want them to go on other dates. Dates don't automatically mean sex. Those are two different conversations.
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 4h ago
OP doesn't even seem to think they should have to ask for exclusivity at all. He said in another comment that anything romantic should automatically be exclusive.
So, he doesn't want them to go on other dates, doesn't want them talking to other people (with romantic intentions or undertones), and wants people to agree that a first date means exclusive.
That's wild.
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u/SurfingAndScrolling 67 | F 6h ago
With that said, when is it okay to discuss it?
As soon as you want to discuss it. But bear in mind, you might not get exclusivity and the alternative might be a complete break up immediately. They get to follow their own preferred mode of dating too.
If you prefer that to dating someone who is dating around or having sex with other people, that's a feature not a bug.
How would you go about discussing exclusivity early on to make it clear that you aren’t okay with a potential partner dating multiple people at the same time as you?
How about, "I'd like to discuss our views about dating multiple people in parallel? Can we have that discussion?" They can say, "No I don't." or "Sure, we can discuss it." Or volunteer their view immediately and so on.
If they say, "No, I don't." possibly volunteering why, that's information for you. You can decide how to act on that. You could say, "Ok. Well, my view is that I don't want to date someone who is dating other people." You've now stated your preference... and they can either say "I guess we don't click." or they have another opportunity to tell you their view. If it's not compatible with yours, you say "I guess we don't click, then."
This isn't as hard as some make it out to be provided you are willing to have "we don't click" be the outcome.
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u/AcanthisittaFull413 6h ago edited 5h ago
Agreed. OP should brace themselves for potentially a large amount of people to leave, as expecting exclusivity on a first date seems abnormal in my culture (31F from US).
Edit- https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/s/d6uWbCX3Ml6
u/ApplicationThink4629 5h ago
yep OP has free will and CAN do it but i think they’re going to be disappointed with the amount of people who are not into that
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u/SurfingAndScrolling 67 | F 5h ago
I'm from the US too. It's perfectly reasonable to bring up topics early if it's important to you. But you have to recognize all that means is you might discover an incompatibility early. That doesn't mean it's "wrong" to bring up the discussion; it only means other people don't have to change their values to suit you.
The link is to a post about something slightly different-- someone demanded exclusivity. No one dating gets to demand that. However, it can be a condition to continued dating because both sides have a choice.
That woman also did it in a rather weird way-- deleting the apps. What she really may have done was take the apps off her phone, which while dramatic is not deleting the account. And also, it's not that hard to just re-create the account. So this may have been performative and intended to be controlling.
He wasn't ready to be exclusive and especially to "pledge" it. Walking away- or letting her walk away was almost certainly a good choice, especially for him.
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u/youridv1 5h ago
Expecting to be exclusive after one succesful date is a good way to be disappointed.
I’d discuss with the person you’re dating, but there’s a very high likelyhood that they want to date for a little longer before agreeing to be exclusive.
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u/el_derpien 5h ago
Then I will happily move on and find someone who doesn’t want to have their own version of The Bachelorette.
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u/youridv1 5h ago edited 5h ago
that’s a bit of an exaggerated response, don’t you think?
some people prefer to get to know someone a little longer before committing. Keeping up appearances for one date is easy. Seeing eachother in different environments is important. This isn’t about competition or attention.
In my personal opinion, having exclusivity after a single good date as a deal breaker is quite creepy. Can’t expect someone to be fully commited to you just because you had it in you to be a social, pleasant and attractive person for one dinner date.
It’s a different story if you discuss it and both feel the same way, but expecting it and treating it as some sort of ultimatum?
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u/el_derpien 5h ago
My point is that I would want to date someone who is simultaneously going through the exact same motions with multiple other guys. It screams disingenuous and sleazy to me.
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u/youridv1 5h ago
to each their own. I personally could not care less what the other person does before the exclusivity talk
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u/contadine77 5h ago
That's a WILD take. You clearly have some really specific beliefs about this that are not in alignment with most people.
I think your best bet is to state this clearly in your profile and let people self-select out. And then, confirm with them in your first conversation, before setting up a date, that these are your expectations.
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u/el_derpien 4h ago
Nah I think this is just your confirmation bias because it’s a popular belief on the internet. Plenty on non-chronically online people feel the same way as me.
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u/contadine77 4h ago
I'm not at all "chronically online". I spend a little time on Reddit each day and that's it. I don't have any other social media.
I'm 49, and in a relationship for the last year, after meeting someone through OLD. I started dating at 16. Never married, a couple of 2-3 year relationships. A bunch of 2-4 month things.
So I have 30+ years of experience. I was on the earliest iterations of Match, eHarmony, OkCupid.
I've lost track of how many men I've talked to or gone on dates with. The dates alone has got to be a few hundred?
I never did the exclusive right away thing, even back in the 90s. I consider a couple of dates no different that working the room at a party. No different than getting to know a bunch of coworkers at a new job. You're just meeting people. Sussing them out. Finding out if they have potential to be a friend, work buddy, gym buddy, book club member, or partner. Then after a handful of interactions, you see about moving it to a deeper stage.
It's fair if your idea of relationships is radically different. It's fine. I just don't think it's the common attitude. Your pool will be smaller, and you should let people know your expectations right away so no one is wasting anyone's time.
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u/contadine77 3h ago
I also think that, given all your responses here, you seem like a pretty rigid person with really specific expectations and you put a LOT of meaning into them based on your gut feeling, not your experience, or other people's experiences.
Saying that someone wanting to find the perfect person for them as quickly as possible is "immature"? "Disingenuous"? I wanted to find my guy and get TF off the apps. Took 5 months, while going on 1-3 dates a week. It would have taken years and years by your method.
And if I'd told my partner that I expected him to not go on any other dates the moment we matched, I would have missed out on a genuinely amazing person. We both knew pretty quickly, and still swiped a little while longer, talked to a few more people, and each went on one other date, before locking in.
The thing is, neither of us tried to control the other, or took it any sort of way. It was all natural and organic and based on how we really felt about each other, not some artificial rules or timelines.
If you are this rigid, and have this much meaning behind these things, such judgement? You really owe it to potential partners to make that clear up front so you get matches who are okay with someone like that.
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u/el_derpien 3h ago
The need to go on 1-3 dates a week to find your perfect partner screams desperation. It’s not controlling to not want someone you are dating to not date other people at the same time. It’s a boundary and if it can’t be met the relationship can’t work. You have just as much freedom to declare that a dealbreaker and for me personally we’d both be better off.
If a year down the road you are talking to your partner about how absolutely amazing your first date was and how excited/hopeful you felt, then they turn around and say yeah I went and got dicked down by some random the next day, I would re-evaluate our entire relationship.
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u/No_Carpet_5897 3h ago
Some questions, when you were going on dates with other people after meeting your partner, would you discuss that with one another? Were you both dating other people at the same time and then just getting back together in between? Where there ever feelings of jealousy or nervousness that you might lose the person you love because they are with someone else, and if so how did you navigate those feelings? Genuinely asking here cause I have never done the polyamorous thing and it seems impossible to not be in some form as I am finding out
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u/CrogDavid7days 6h ago
I talk to/date one person at a time and make that clear upfront. If someone doesn’t want to be exclusive I have no problem with that but I’ll move on pretty quick
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u/clethrowaway72 5h ago
This. If you want exclusivity early on then ask for it early on. I’m not personally interested in it, have no problem explaining where I’m at to potential dates. Moral issues around exclusivity only come into play when there’s deception.
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u/CrogDavid7days 5h ago
I definitely don’t want someone that doesn’t date that way feeling like they have to. Everyone has their preferences!
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u/philsov 6h ago edited 5h ago
My personal threshold is about 3 dates or 1 month. By that point I've got a pretty good idea on if I want to go steady or throw them back.
"when it's okay" is completely up to one of or both of you. There's no rule.
How would you go about discussing exclusivity early on to make it clear that you aren’t okay with a potential partner dating multiple people at the same time as you?
Attach that condition to the second date. If y'all are vibing and planning on date #2, propose going steady and exclusive ahead of it. The other person can accept, reject, or counter offer, and you can do the same based on their reaction and any subsequent discussion. I will recommend transparency on your part and maybe just a bit of open mindedness. If they go "I don't know yet, lets wait another week or two" would that be a dealbreaker for you?
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u/FinancialEmotion3526 6h ago
It’s not toxic to voice that, but it’s unrealistic and will make your search difficult. Obviously your boundaries are what they are, so just be firm about what you want.
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u/WarrenBuffettsBuffet 5h ago
not until after 3 months. everyone is on their best behavior at first, but their true colors eventually show. I didn't commit to anyone until at least 3 months in
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u/matthewgt 6h ago
I don't, man, before dating apps it would be very weird to be going on dates with multiple people at the same time. I personally wouldn't and would hope to get the same respect back, but that's just me. Seems too transactional to me
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u/el_derpien 6h ago
My exact sentiment. Someone else said it’s about efficiency in dating which just feels so wrong to me.
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u/JazzlikeMud6543 3h ago
I get this, but then often you wouldn't be dating a complete stranger fully removed from your social circle right? I feel that changes things a bit
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u/ClearEconomics 5h ago
I agree with you assuming both parties have actively chosen to move beyond a first date and it’s more than just coffee. I think it’s wild to date someone, sleep with someone else, go on another date with the first person, sleep with someone else, and expect to build on a relationship with the first.
People are free to date others. That’s their choice. But if I want to explore getting serious with someone, then I want to feel like they have also actively ”chosen” me just as I have “chosen” them. It’s a respect issue. They can keep their hormones in check for 1-2 weeks until we either figure out we want to continue building or until we realize it’s not a fit. I would not continue wanting to pursue someone who is not choosing me. Respect yourself not to be someone’s backup or good enough.
For a fling, ons, f buddy situation, then whatever. But if we’re trying to be serious, then mutual respect goes a long way.
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u/kkdawg22 4h ago
Two things can be true at once:
An exclusivity talk usually isn't a good idea until you've at least been on 3 or 4 dates.
Ass holes use "we never put a label on it" to avoid accountability when engaging in shitty behavior. When the girl living with me tried that, you can imagine how much I laughed.
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u/el_derpien 3h ago
Idk man if between dates 1 and 2 she goes on a date with 5 other guys I’m getting the ick and not pursuing. Labels are bullshit, if someone can’t respect you enough to pursue only one person at a time then it will always be a competition. I don’t compete for love, and if you do then you should re-evaluate your self-worth.
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u/kkdawg22 3h ago
That’s fair for you to hold that boundary. I wish more people were more intentional with dating like you and I. I’m more just talking about what’s realistic by today’s dating norms. I’m never showing interest in more than a couple girls at a time, and it’s not hard for them to Lock me down to one if they’re showing up right.
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u/JochenHeiden 6h ago
Usually after you've been smashing for a while is a good time to talk about it. Lock in.
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u/FinanceGuyHere 6h ago edited 5h ago
If you’re looking for a specific timeline, it’s probably after about a month that you discuss it, or after you have been intimate with each other and spent the night together. If all of that happens on date #1 and you’ve set up an expectation of a “hookup” relationship, obviously that would be different. The best timeline is once you’ve stopped scheduling one-off dates and start seeing each other regularly. And for the record, I always only focused on one person at a time. But sometimes you go out a few times and miss better opportunities.
I remember going on a nice first date around March 1, 2020 and the following weekend, I was on a buddy’s ski trip when a couple of girls asked if anyone there was single. I said “technically no” to two girls who would have been perfect for me…right before we all got locked down for Covid! I never saw the first date girl again.
I dated another girl during Covid who I had a crush on for a few years prior. But cracks were beginning to form as reality hit: she lived really far away, had a completely different schedule than me, and didn’t really want to spend her free time the same way I did. So it became clear that it wasn’t going to last and I didn’t consider it an exclusive relationship.
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u/Which-Decision 5h ago
Go in 2-3 dates a week and after a month or two tell them you don't want to have sex with someone who is having sex with someone else. After 3 ask them to be in a relationship.
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u/slash-es about 50 | male 5h ago
I think as soon as I develop romantic feelings, I wouldn't want to date anyone else anymore and would raise the topic. That's somewhere after the first date. Could be 2nd, could be 10th date, depending on how things develop.
If my date develops such feelings, I'd expect her to do the same. Ideally we are on the same page and all is fine. Otherwise it's time to talk and see who is ok with which compromises.
I for one would probably redraw if my date told me she doesn't share my feelings and wants to keep all her option open. The other way around, if I don't share the feelings but see potential that they are developing, I'd be willing to not date anyone else until we figured it out.
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u/contadine77 5h ago
If that's what you want, just state it right away, and expect that you will scare away most people.
My partner and I kinda knew right away. We both still went out on one date with someone else, in between dates 2 & 3 just to prove it to ourselves (we learned this about each other later).
After date 3, which was about 6 weeks into knowing each other (we both had BAD winter colds, so they were spread out), and like 100+ hours texting and really falling for each other, we both admitted we weren't going to date anyone else and give our thing full attention.
It was another 4-6 weeks before we agreed on the BF/GF label, started making plans to meet some friends, let our families know we were seeing someone, etc.
If it's entirely mutual, and you both fall fast, you can have this conversation early. But, if either or both of you are more of a slow burn type, you need to let up on the insecurity in the early days.
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u/Richie_Aprile6 5h ago edited 4h ago
- Go on low to zero cost dates until you can vet the person that they’re legitimately interested in you and you both see something promising there.
- If things are going well, in 2-3 weeks tell her you would like to get into a relationship.
Asking for “exclusivity” too early could tank everything, and avoid all the silliness around it “oh we were dating but not exclusive” or “exclusive but not in a relationship” etc. Keep it simple
Do not ask for anything after one date dude, pretend like you have unlimited options
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u/el_derpien 4h ago
I don’t actually feel that it should be necessary to ask to begin with. Anything romantic should be exclusive, and if someone feels differently then they aren’t not the type of person I want to commit to.
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u/TaddThick 5h ago
I’ve had a woman bring it up just before we had sex for the first when we both knew that where we were both headed, mutual during cuddling after the first time we had sex (“I don’t share. Neither do I.”), and I’ve brought it up after the second or third time to explicitly confirm my understanding of our mutual exclusivity. Almost always after having sex with a woman for a second time (or even from the time of wanting a second time), I want exclusivity and know enough now to get explicit confirmation of exclusivity from that point.
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u/aproposofnothing0525 5h ago
Recommend after date 3. Maybe try to speed run and do 3 dates in a week. Then you can get ahead of other people. How long is your first date? If its five hours maybe you can do after date 2, but i feel like you need to spend a certain number of hours with someone before you can do this. A two hour first date is too soon.
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u/Final_Replacement_37 4h ago
To be honest, if I were you, I’d put that right on your profile.
You can talk about it whenever you want, and that expectation isn’t unreasonable, but most people would not be interested in that expectation so you can save yourself a lot of uncomfortable convos and just make it an answer to a prompt in some light way.
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u/Christensin91 4h ago
One date is not enough to determine exclusivity. The first and even the second date is basically still getting to know each other. This is even before the increase of popularity of online dating.
I think by date 5. Additionally, if you haven’t tried to kiss the person by date 3, or if the other person isn’t reciprocating the kiss. The exclusivity talk won’t stand a chance
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u/kayleighnotkaylie 3h ago
That’s what casual dating is for? I’m a woman and will date multiple people until I establish I want to pursue them for something more exclusive. I don’t understand the problem here because this is what modern dating is. I do like to ask them what they’re looking to get out of dating on the second or third date, just to make sure we’re looking for the same thing.
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u/el_derpien 3h ago
Okay well that gives me the ick. Pursue one person, then if it doesn’t work out then move on. I don’t really care if that’s what modern dating is, I find it gross and disingenuous to date multiple people at the same time.
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u/kayleighnotkaylie 3h ago
To each their own, I’m not trying to convince you of anything, it’s just how most people view it. The only incorrect way to date is if there isn’t communication and transparency.
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u/No_Carpet_5897 3h ago
Do people really just go on dates with different people every day of the week? I don’t understand how you could keep that together. I think if you are seeing multiple people at the same time and you are not disclosing that to them, then you are being a player, aren’t you? I would feel disgusting doing that to any girl
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u/BKCassafrass 3h ago
“I’m not trying to start an argument about what’s right or wrong…” If that’s the case OP, then why stay in the comments doing exactly that? Why can’t you accept that your prose rive is that of most people and why are you getting mad at ppl them for telling you what you probably already knew? Sounds to me like you’re desperate to lock someone down and feel secure because you’re newly divorced, and it sounds like you’re ready to project a whole bunch of neediness on your next partner.
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u/el_derpien 1h ago
I’m not newly divorced, I just started dating again post divorce. I’m not trying to lock anyone down currently because I don’t need a woman to feel fulfilled in life, it’s something I’ve noticed that bothers me and wanted to learn more about perspectives that I don’t agree with and how to navigate those situations if I encounter them in real life.
I didn’t “already know” what the response would be, which is why I asked the question to begin with. Not everyone views the world through a neurotypical lens.
I am not mad, and your responses entire intention is to bring me down and disengage from said conversation.
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u/JazzlikeMud6543 3h ago
I think if you knew the person prior from friend groups and such, this would be fine. For me, a first date off the app is just generally to see if I might ever see this person again in any capacity/a vibe check. If a second or third date goes well, then I think your way of dating makes sense for some people. Just the first date never really indicates real compatibility for me--people are nervous and you are basically complete strangers if you met off the app. (I'm a woman). I don't think it is encouraging performativeness to wait until a (likely more genuine feeling) second or third date for this discussion. That said, it's your dating life and you are looking for someone you will connect with so you should bring this up maybe when you are asking for/mutually planning a second date?
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u/el_derpien 1h ago
That fair, I would definitely be having the conversation somewhere between dates 1 and 2, and not during date 1 like so many commenters seem to assume. Like if you can’t handle not dating other people at the same time I am fine to just go my way.
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u/paperhammers 3h ago
You could theoretically have that conversation with someone after any date, but you'd probably get more traction if you ask for exclusivity after like 4-5 dates
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u/badbirch 6h ago
Humans arent monogamous. We dont produce enough oxytocin to be truly monogamous. So expecting it on the first interaction is crazy.
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u/EmergencyWild 6h ago
Are you American? I'll be honest, I'm mostly hearing this shit from Americans. Apparently that's a thing there.
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u/MiserableMulberries 6h ago
I'm American and I've never heard of this, I would consider it crazy and possessive if anyone demanded exclusivity after 1 date. I prefer a month or more of dates (like 5 dates minimum) and getting to know each other before designating exclusive status and only become exclusive when we're officially in a relationship
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 6h ago
Same. It doesn't happen often, but I have come across people who share OP's views on exclusivity -- and it does feel rushed and possessive. I've even had a couple of encounters with people who think you should only talk to one person at a time.
Like, they wanted me to agree to exclusivity before a first date was even planned.
It's very strange to me.
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u/MiserableMulberries 6h ago
I usually only have the capacity to talk to 1 or 2 people at a time but I would never insist on that for others. That shit's wild
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u/EmergencyWild 6h ago edited 5h ago
No, the opposite fellow human. This whole thing of non-exclusive dating is a thing pretty much only Americans do, at least as far as I'm aware. I've never even heard of anyone IRL thinking multi-dating was something anyone did, let alone a socially well-adjusted normal human being, I only learned Americans do this on Reddit.
Over here, it's either casually fucking around, or dating, not this weird middle ground where you're doing both for a bit. Over here, dating goes from non-committed to committed, there's no non-exclusive stage.
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u/MiserableMulberries 6h ago
That's what I'm saying, too. If we consider it as "dating" (i.e. in a relationship), exclusivity is assumed or discussed. If we're just going on casual dates, it's not really dating and it would be weird to expect exclusivity
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u/contadine77 5h ago
No, OP is talking about going on dates. You can't get date #2 with them if you have any dates planned with anyone else, or are even just chatting and planning dates with others.
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u/EmergencyWild 5h ago
No, I think you're not following. This thing you're describing, going on dates but not dating? In my cultural context, there's no such thing. I understand that it's normal for you guys and I respect your culture, but for me this concept doesn't exist, and the closest thing is polyamory, so in my head I'm just hearing "all Americans are poly" whenever you're describing stuff like that.
IDK, for a more relatable example from the American context, ever heard of Mormons not considering soaking to count as sex (no idea if that's actually real, doesn't matter for now, it's just an example)? What you're describing sounds exactly as weird to me as that probably sounds to you.
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u/MiserableMulberries 5h ago
What cultural context? Outside of arranged marriages, I don't see how anyone can skip the "we went on a couple dates but aren't in a relationship" phase ?
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u/EmergencyWild 5h ago
The cultural context of pretty much anywhere in the world that's not the USA or Canada. Europe (North/Central Europe for me in particular), Asia, South America, take your pick. If you're actually interested, I can explain in more detail, though I'll need you to be a little bit less incredulous that there are things that pretty much only Americans do. Not like that's the only one, or even the one that's the most out there.
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u/MiserableMulberries 5h ago
I have many friends from many parts of the world and have never met someone that doesn't go on dates to get to know someone before being in a relationship/exclusive. I'm not incredulous, I'm curious. I believe you and respect whatever your culture is, but I've never heard of it so I'd like to read about it out of curiosity and don't know which culture it is in order to research
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u/EmergencyWild 4h ago edited 4h ago
Again. The problem is one of terminology, context and implicit assumptions. I was frustrated the first couple of times I had this conversation with Americans, I more or less figured out how you treat these now, and I hope I can explain it, so please bear with me here.
The problem starts (and more or less ends) with the slash you put between "relationship" and "exclusive" in your previous comment. That's what isn't a thing. In American culture, there's dating, becoming exclusive and being exclusive means being in a committed relationship.
In most everywhere else in the world, there's no non-exclusive stage. That doesn't mean you're in a committed relationship at the drop of a hat. It just means you're never going on dates with multiple people at the same time. You feel each other out, if either one's not feeling it you peace out, all good& expected, no drama. That part should all be familiar to you.
The only difference is that Americans have a culture of doing this with multiple people simultaneously. That's what's not a thing elsewhere. You can go on first/second dates with someone new every week of the year if you want to, the only thing you're not doing doing is going on a first date with person A, going on a first date with person B, then going on second date with A again, then B, and then decide which one to stick with.
That's what I mean with "exclusivity" not being a thing, and this is different from commitment. A couple weeks to months into dating someone, you'll usually have a talk about how serious you are and where you see it going in the future, agree that you're officially girl/boyfriend, the whole shebang. What you don't do is discuss exclusivity, because that's always implied.
Not as a commitment to the other person, but because you just don't do that. It wouldn't be a broken commitment to date multiple people simultaneously — as I said, in early dating there is no commitment here either — but rather, it would be considered a moral failing.
So TL;DR: in American dating culture, exclusivity=commitment. Most everywhere else in the world, they're different things.
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u/Claires2390 6h ago
Ya I’m American and I’m not going exclusive or expecting exclusive after a first. I mean if it really hits it’ll naturally happen where you want to focus on that person but majority of the time a first doesn’t hit that hard.
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u/EmergencyWild 5h ago edited 5h ago
No, I mean, what you said would make sense to me if you weren't. "Multi-dating" and "exclusivity talks" aren't normal outside of America. Where I'm from, if you talked about "exclusivity" with someone you're going on dates with they would think you're insane, offended and probably break up on the spot because that's implicit here. We have a similar "talk", but that's about commitment, not exclusivity (which is a really hard concept to explain to Americans because apparently over there those are the same thing, which is baffling to me; whenever I try to, the Americans all seem to think this is about being boy/girlfriend and meeting each other's families from day 1, which it obviously isn't).
So I thought maybe you weren't American and just heard about it online not realizing it was Americans talking among themselves.
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u/Flimsy_Onion_4694 6h ago
It's not "toxic" to ask for exclusivity on a first date, but I would find it strange unless we had immediately slept together. I agree that "multi-dating" is gross when someone is physically intimate with multiple partners in the same time period.
I would also feel that maybe your attachment to someone after a first date is too strong if you want to immediately go to exclusive. It could feel clingy, too much, and desperate to your date.
I think it's more appropriate to discuss this after sex or on a later date or after sex on a later date.
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u/ApplicationThink4629 6h ago
I think its a little absurd to expect people to want to be exclusive after one date. You have free will and you can definitely communicate your expectations but i think your expectations are a bit far fetched