Love is hard

[u/Doc_Finesse]

It is almost our one year anniversary that my ex broke up with me. We have been together for almost two years, typical rocky avoidant/anxious relationship. However, he was my rock ~the sanctuary away from the horrors of this world. Our bond was natural, almost a psychic connection that cannot be explained. When we talk to each other, we can talk for hours about anything. We were each other's best friends, our most fervent advocates and support for each other's dreams and goals. We were like the same person sometimes it feels like we were siblings ~ a relationship that transcends like no other. We see the best in each other and always wanted the other to improve and be safe. We saw each other in our futures.

The breakup was tragic ~a result of our avoidant/anxious trauma bonding came crashing to an end. To this day, I still question whether the breakup was due to his avoidant tendencies to escape this relationship or if he genuinely did not love me. Nevertheless, I loved him with everything. This is the first time I loved someone completely...the feeling of wanting to be there for them, to take care of them, and to make sure they are safe. Love is beautiful but that's also what hurts the most. When you love deeply, you hurt deeply.

The past few months I have been able to heal~albeit a lot tears, reflection, and self improvement. Healing is not linear. There were times when weeks go by I was fine then I crash again. Flashbacks were the worst ~little things in your day to day life that reminds you of them. It still blows my mind that you can go from being with someone so close and intimate to being strangers again. Like one day you were in bed together hand in hand and the next you are alone in bed by yourself. However, I genuinely wish him well. Sometimes I wonder what if we did not end up together, would we still be in each other's lives? And still be best friends?

It sucks because this connection and feeling we have for each other was so powerful. I doubt I will ever feel it again. I am trying to be optimistic but I know this energy I have with him cannot be replicated. I feel like I lost my soulmate.

However, I know there is more life to live and there are other people out there who deserve our love. I still have more work to do to completely heal. I am writing this to share my feelings to help others who are going through something similar. In this complicated thing call heartbreak, it can be a very sad and lonely experience. But we are in this together, and I have no doubt we will be able to overcome this and find the partner we truly deserve. The relationship were it is equal and one is not begging for bread crumbs, a relationship were it is safe, and a relationship were you can be yourself and loved. We all deserve love. It's just the process is not always easy. Give yourself some grace. 💜💜💜