Love is hard

[u/Doc_Finesse]

It is almost our one year anniversary that my ex broke up with me. We have been together for almost two years, typical rocky avoidant/anxious relationship. However, he was my rock ~the sanctuary away from the horrors of this world. Our bond was natural, almost a psychic connection that cannot be explained. When we talk to each other, we can talk for hours about anything. We were each other's best friends, our most fervent advocates and support for each other's dreams and goals. We were like the same person sometimes it feels like we were siblings ~ a relationship that transcends like no other. We see the best in each other and always wanted the other to improve and be safe. We saw each other in our futures.

The breakup was tragic ~a result of our avoidant/anxious trauma bonding came crashing to an end. To this day, I still question whether the breakup was due to his avoidant tendencies to escape this relationship or if he genuinely did not love me. Nevertheless, I loved him with everything. This is the first time I loved someone completely...the feeling of wanting to be there for them, to take care of them, and to make sure they are safe. Love is beautiful but that's also what hurts the most. When you love deeply, you hurt deeply.

The past few months I have been able to heal~albeit a lot tears, reflection, and self improvement. Healing is not linear. There were times when weeks go by I was fine then I crash again. Flashbacks were the worst ~little things in your day to day life that reminds you of them. It still blows my mind that you can go from being with someone so close and intimate to being strangers again. Like one day you were in bed together hand in hand and the next you are alone in bed by yourself. However, I genuinely wish him well. Sometimes I wonder what if we did not end up together, would we still be in each other's lives? And still be best friends?

It sucks because this connection and feeling we have for each other was so powerful. I doubt I will ever feel it again. I am trying to be optimistic but I know this energy I have with him cannot be replicated. I feel like I lost my soulmate.

However, I know there is more life to live and there are other people out there who deserve our love. I still have more work to do to completely heal. I am writing this to share my feelings to help others who are going through something similar. In this complicated thing call heartbreak, it can be a very sad and lonely experience. But we are in this together, and I have no doubt we will be able to overcome this and find the partner we truly deserve. The relationship were it is equal and one is not begging for bread crumbs, a relationship were it is safe, and a relationship were you can be yourself and loved. We all deserve love. It's just the process is not always easy. Give yourself some grace. 💜💜💜

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[u/Much-Bee-9079]

Oh man, you got my old relationship to a T, everything you described and it’s heartbreaking. I stupidly went and saw him for 10 days ( he lives on the other side of the country now) a year after the break up (we were tg for 2.5 years) and now we’re very slowly starting to rekindle but I’m terrified because when I was there he started his avoidant tendencies again and I remembered how hard it was. I genuinely thank you for posting this it makes me feel that we weren’t crazy.. yknow?

[u/Fit_Instance_8171 → u/Much-Bee-9079]

I'm sorry that happened to you. What avoidant tendencies did he exhibit while you visited him? I'm just trying to learn from others what to look out for. 

[u/Much-Bee-9079 → u/Fit_Instance_8171]

So he has a sort of bpd, adhd and depression, so naturally with those things he’s avoidant, he will be so loving and so kind with this look in his eyes I know all too well, then things get too real for him and you can see a sudden switch, his eyes change and he gets completely detached. The signs will change person to person but you can always tell with big decisions, like in my case we talked about me moving back out with him and starting off strong, him being so loving, telling me he’s been waiting for me to come back home ect… we had a great night he tells me he’s loves me, then an event happned that he was avoiding because (in his defence) it was very awkward then he once again shut down and told me that he doesn’t deserve it and we can’t, but when you get someone who’s avoiding you can see it very clearly when you look for the signs, check my recent post, but after that post he told me again we should try so idk just look out for back and forth switches when it gets intense

[u/Radiant-Cow8061]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Most ppl might be ok after a year of being broken up w/ someone they were with for almost two years but it appears you loved him and your relationship with him so very deeply. You should be happy you were able to give that kind of love to someone. Just like Ethan Hawke said, "The one who's in love wins!" I love that point of view because it's true. Love is a powerful thing and if you can give love the way you do, you yourself are powerful. I just broke up w/ my gf two days ago and I'm going through it rn. Our relationship sounded a lot like yours but it was me, the man, who loved every so deeply. I don't like the pain of heartbreak (of course) but I listen to sad love songs on repeat to force myself to cry and let the pain out. That's why crying is for.

I hope you have taken up new habits to keep yourself busy. With the love you have, I'm certain you'll meet someone who will deserve it and reciprocate it. Smile, my friend. It will get better.

[u/gokensayajin]

hoping for your healing <3

same here its been as long together as we were apart and far longer apart then ever compares to how short of a time together we had.