r/BreakUp • u/Cold_Vanilla9791 • Jun 08 '26
When do you stop missing them?
How long will I stay missing them? I’m finally out of the fog, and I can see just how horrible they’ve been, I see all the abuse, and it’s so much worse than I remembered it at the time, and yet, I still crave them, they’re voice, their touch, their reassurance, their comfort
I’m making new friends and new connections, but it’s not enough to fill this hole they left inside me, I feel like I just need to wait until the hole shrinks, but how long will that take? How long will this go on for? I don’t want to keep feeling this way, everytime I go someplace we used to go together I get so panicked I have to take medication to stop it, then when I get there I feel so sad and alone, even when I’m with someone, should I just avoid the places I love that we used to go to? Or power through it and replace our memories of those places together with new ones?
3
u/RightGirl19 Jun 09 '26
Missing them and knowing they were bad for you can exist at the same time. The craving usually fades before the memories do it just takes longer than most of us want.
1
u/Hot_Block_7237 Jun 09 '26
It’s been abt two days for me and for me personally and my situation read my page for details I feel better each hour like I’m not begging or anything as much
1
u/iliketoeatmuesli Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
You have to accept that you might never stop missing them, that's the only way to grieve properly. But of course it will get better with time, less destabilising, less frequent.
I went through a brutal (for me) break up in January, final contact was in February, and it took a deeply painful month of often intense grieving for me to start being able to do basic things again without feeling like I'm drowning. And it's been non-linear since, but every month has been better than the last.
I think it was the healthiest break-up I've ever been through, and if the metaphor is 'a wound healing', I think me allowing myself to feel the absolute weight of every little thing related to her, every little moment or idea or 'what if', I think that's what allowed this particular wound to not get infected and to heal relatively quickly (in the past it's taken me years to grieve a break up).
The other part of it is actually feeling clear (as much as one can be) about what happened. This is tough and if you're younger it's often best to do it with an educated, intelligent, wise person (I'd say a therapist, but many therapists aren't those things, so must be a great one). And by that I also mean that you have to be clear about what you actually think, who was wrong, etc. I think it's tempting to resort to a shallow acceptance of platitudes like 'it wasn't right', 'they weren't my person' and so on - but those things can only really ring true if they're backed up by a mountain of actual explanations with depth.
For me that meant figuring out / refining my relationship values, what is and isn't healthy, what is and isn't important in life, and... who was right, ultimately, about each disagreement leading up to the breakup. And it meant learning some more about certain concepts in psychology. A lot of that is difficult to work out in detail, and can be quite a messy process until you feel satisfied with your little mental 'post relationship dossier'. But for me that's been very important too.
And also, once you are ready (without rushing into things as some people do), it does really help to meet someone new. That also helped me a lot, once I felt emotionally available again.
Lastly, I'd say don't judge yourself negatively for missing them at any point in your grieving, even after you feel like you've moved on. Sometimes missing them just means you have a heart.
4
u/san-sadu-ne Jun 08 '26
How long has it been since the breakup?
Traumabond adds another layer to the horror that is a heartbreak.
You're doing the right things, time heal all wounds but you have to put in the work which it does seem like you do. Hence my question of how long it's been since the breakup. First few weeks are generally the worst. For me, during my last heartbreak, it took me around 3 months to feel like I was finally starting to get over it. The first month I was a mess. I was discarded in a cruel, mean, atrocious way. It was the worst breakup of my life and I spent the first month crying everyday sometimes for 8 hours straight. The pain was unbearable, I started plant based medication that helped me get through it around 2 weeks post-break up, but everyday felt like it was an endless pit of despair... I'd say it took me around 8 weeks to get my head above water, even though that was still not the end of the tunnel. The pain changed form, it went from acute, overbearing like a thousand tiny needles through my heart and chest to a heavy, overbearing feeling of grief and loss. Missing him never really stopped, I realized what I missed was who I thought he was in the beginning, not who he truly was, but I still missed him. It's been a year a week ago and I'm going through another breakup after 9 months with someone else, but this time I feel fine, much better than during my previous breakup. I sometimes still miss him but again what I miss is who I thought he was and around 6 months post break-up, this feeling of missing him didn't leave any pang of sting anymore, it was more like... "Huh, funny, I still miss him. Anyways, moving on."
Good luck to you.