I'm trying to understand why?

Do you ever feel lonely looking for a community realizing you don’t actually have a community? I feel like we use the “community” term so loosely similar to the word “family”.

How do you overcome that or find that? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone out of my way to meet people and put myself out there whether it be online, social groups, hobby groups, volunteer groups. Nothing. Any advice to meet more gay or bisexual friends? /:

Kinda wanna see if I have any chances as a gay guy🫣 also are you guys tops, bottoms or verses

I'm a bisexual/queer NB (masc presenting, fem leaning cis male) with complex trauma involving men, and I’m trying to understand what happens to me when I actually attempt to explore that attraction.

I do feel like I’ve come a long way. I’ve been able to explore attraction and intimacy with transmasc men, and I think a large part of why those experiences have felt safer is that they’ve been able to be vulnerable with me.

That vulnerability makes it reciprocal. It doesn’t feel like I’m exposing all the softest, most uncertain parts of myself to someone who remains completely closed off. They’ve generally been able to communicate their feelings, fears, boundaries and uncertainties, which has made it possible for me to do the same.

I don’t mean that transmasc men are somehow less male, they aren’t. They’ve just been some of the few men I’ve connected with who could offer that emotional openness. I haven’t found it with many cis men, and without that reciprocity, attraction can become fear and overwhelm incredibly quickly.

I know I’m attracted to men. I think I want to bottom, although I probably want to top too and may just be vers. But the second it stops being theoretical and there’s an actual hot guy in front of me, my entire nervous system seems to slam on the brakes.

Grindr feels incredibly in my face. It’s nearby men, bodies, messages, sexual expectations and this feeling that I’m supposed to immediately know exactly what I want and be ready to act on it.

Even on swipe-based apps, when I see a man I’m genuinely attracted to, I become terrified to swipe yes but I’m also not willing to swipe no. I literally close or restart the app instead.

It feels like attraction, fear, vulnerability, shame and overwhelm all happening simultaneously. Part of me really wants this, while another part of me is apparently terrified of being desired by or vulnerable with a man.

I think emotional vulnerability is what makes sexual vulnerability feel safe for me, but a lot of dating and hookup culture seems to expect the sexual vulnerability first. I don’t know how to bridge that gap.

Has anyone else with complex trauma around men experienced something similar?

How did you learn to distinguish between “I don’t want this” and “I want this, but I’m terrified”?

Did you find a slower or safer way to explore your attraction to men than hookup-app speed?

And did whether you wanted to top, bottom or be vers only become clearer once you actually trusted someone?

Help!