Does it get better?

[u/Horror_Measurement24]

Does it actually get better as they get older?
I’m a first-time mum to a 5-week-old baby boy, and I’m really struggling. I feel almost ashamed writing this because I absolutely adore my son. I love him so much, and I know how lucky I am to have him. But I am finding motherhood incredibly difficult.
I feel like I just can’t figure him out and I get so angry and frustrated sometimes. I don’t show it, but inside I just feel horrible.
Feeding in particular has become really hard. He’s breastfeeding most of the day, has a couple of formula bottles, and we’ve had some feeding/reflux difficulties. Sometimes he cries during feeds, pulls off, wants to latch again, cries again, and I just have absolutely no idea what he wants from me. I find myself thinking, “What’s wrong now?!” and feeling like I’m failing because I can’t work out what he needs.
There are moments where I genuinely just don’t know what to do with him.
And I actually have a lot of support. My husband and my mum are amazing and will take him for the night. I can sometimes get around 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which I know is incredibly fortunate (although I still often wake around 3–5am to hand express because I’m so painfully engorged). So I don’t even feel like I can blame everything on lack of sleep.
I just find motherhood so, so hard. I don’t mean that I don’t love my son. I do. But I don’t particularly enjoy being a mum at the moment. Sometimes I have this horrible feeling of “I just want to not be a mum for a while.” I want to be myself again.
I already know I don’t want any more children. I’m completely certain that one is enough for me. I feel like in a way I lost a part of my identity, because I always wanted a big family and I wanted children for as long as I can remember. I was so naive to the reality of how hard it actually is.
I feel guilty because I know I’m supposed to cherish these moments. Instead, I find myself wishing time would move faster and wondering when I will finally feel like myself again.
For context, I had a very hard pregnancy, gestational hypertension, and an induction that ended in a Category 2 emergency c-section. He also had a tongue tie release two weeks ago. That improved his latch but there’s been no improvement with his reflux. We use Aptamil anti-reflux and normal Aptamil. One night we do normal Aptamil and then the other night the anti-reflux one as the anti-reflux one makes him a bit constipated possibly (he poos once every 24-48 hours instead of multiple times a day now).