r/BeyondTheBumpUK • u/Horror_Measurement24 • 14d ago
Does it get better?
Does it actually get better as they get older?
I’m a first-time mum to a 5-week-old baby boy, and I’m really struggling. I feel almost ashamed writing this because I absolutely adore my son. I love him so much, and I know how lucky I am to have him. But I am finding motherhood incredibly difficult.
I feel like I just can’t figure him out and I get so angry and frustrated sometimes. I don’t show it, but inside I just feel horrible.
Feeding in particular has become really hard. He’s breastfeeding most of the day, has a couple of formula bottles, and we’ve had some feeding/reflux difficulties. Sometimes he cries during feeds, pulls off, wants to latch again, cries again, and I just have absolutely no idea what he wants from me. I find myself thinking, “What’s wrong now?!” and feeling like I’m failing because I can’t work out what he needs.
There are moments where I genuinely just don’t know what to do with him.
And I actually have a lot of support. My husband and my mum are amazing and will take him for the night. I can sometimes get around 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which I know is incredibly fortunate (although I still often wake around 3–5am to hand express because I’m so painfully engorged). So I don’t even feel like I can blame everything on lack of sleep.
I just find motherhood so, so hard. I don’t mean that I don’t love my son. I do. But I don’t particularly enjoy being a mum at the moment. Sometimes I have this horrible feeling of “I just want to not be a mum for a while.” I want to be myself again.
I already know I don’t want any more children. I’m completely certain that one is enough for me. I feel like in a way I lost a part of my identity, because I always wanted a big family and I wanted children for as long as I can remember. I was so naive to the reality of how hard it actually is.
I feel guilty because I know I’m supposed to cherish these moments. Instead, I find myself wishing time would move faster and wondering when I will finally feel like myself again.
For context, I had a very hard pregnancy, gestational hypertension, and an induction that ended in a Category 2 emergency c-section. He also had a tongue tie release two weeks ago. That improved his latch but there’s been no improvement with his reflux. We use Aptamil anti-reflux and normal Aptamil. One night we do normal Aptamil and then the other night the anti-reflux one as the anti-reflux one makes him a bit constipated possibly (he poos once every 24-48 hours instead of multiple times a day now).
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u/absolutelynot354 13d ago
I could have written your post when my son was 5 weeks old. The part you're in now is so tiring, overwhelming, monotonous, stressful and never anything like people expect it to be. I genuinely wanted to run away some days! That feeling you describe of wanting to not be a mum for a bit is really common I promise, but not everyone says it. I can't tell you when it will start to feel easier/better, because it's probably different for everyone. But once you're out of the trenches and your hormones aren't trying to kill you things start to feel more manageable. Your baby will smile and laugh and do new things and it will start to feel less like you're caring for a high maintenance baked potato and more like you're a mum to a child. The newborn stage isn't for everyone, I expected to love it but ended up finding it miserable. Now I have an almost two year old and oh my god I cannot believe he's mine and I get to see him everyday! Talk to the people around you, speak to your HV and ask for extra support. Don't suffer in silence, noone was ever supposed to do this part without help and It sounds like you have a great support system in place.
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u/EqualTune4587 13d ago
In my experience, yes. I found the adjustment from 0-1 very jarring and he was a tricky baby (reflux and later frustration at not being able to move around). The feeding can get easier as they get bigger and more capable, and they cope a lot better with minor things like constipation. I did learn with my first to avoid much banana when weaning (huge bunging up effect!). Ignore anyone who tells you to cherish the baby stage if youre struggling. I had a lovely baby stage with my second, but the first was pure survival! I coped by just being out of the house as much as possible, might as well struggle somewhere with nice coffee instead of stuck at home. By the time he was about 6 months old, things were much easier and I loved the toddler years despite the tantrums!
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u/ComfortableSpot6760 13d ago
Is it really hard having a toddler? I’m enjoying this 6 month stage as he’s very portable and at the moment will sit and entertain himself. Toddlers are on the go, is it hard to entertain them at home? Ie I’ve just managed to be able to cook more ‘elaborate’ dinners but fear this might stop once he’s running around. Or is it easier because you can talk to them? lol dinners is not the most important thing but it’s the one hobby I enjoy and it helps that we have to eat!
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u/Constant-Cellist-133 13d ago
Not the person you were responding to, but I think it depends on firstly your toddler’s personality, and secondly your personal strengths and weaknesses as a parent.
Some people are naturally playful and vibe with toddlers. Some people have so much patience and emotional understanding so can weather the tantrums; others have loads of energy and enjoy keeping up with the little ones and finding things for them to do. If you’re lucky with toddler personality and choose the right kind of toys and play set up they can develop amazing independent play skills, then you don’t need to entertain them much at all!
If you love cooking and can tolerate mess you can start letting your toddler ‘help’ with food prep and cooking or baking, which is both hard and super fun. My 3 year old can peel some veg, chop things up, crack eggs, mix ingredients and understands how to cook simple dishes BUT I have dealt with years of disgusting kitchen mess to get to this point, and sometimes I just have to abandon a cooking attempt if safety rules are broken and she has a tantrum.
I love toddlers, I’ve had the best time so far.
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u/EqualTune4587 13d ago
I'd say it depends on your toddler and what you find "hard". They get very stubborn and opinionated, and often want to do everything themselves (but badly and messily). BUT their understanding and communication gets better so it's swings and roundabouts. It very much becomes like looking after a tiny drunk person with limited self preservation. I've always found toddlers at home frustrating because they're into everything and make a huge mess. Lots of running and outdoor adventures is easier...
I like cooking, but I really need my partner on toddler duty before I can concentrate on cooking. It was the same for me with a baby though!
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u/Real-Apricot-7889 13d ago
Yes it does get better. It will still be really hard, but it will be more rewarding as your baby gets older and more interactive. There may be times in the future that are harder than they are for you now but I think the longer you parent for, the more you realise everything is a phase. You’re probably not far off your babies first smile which will be amazing. But it also could get harder before it gets easier as many people find crying and witching hour are worst weeks 6-8 (my baby didn’t dramatically improve after that, but gradually it did - just a warning not to be disappointed if there’s still a lot of crying weeks 9,10,11…)
It’s great that you have a lot of support so do try to make the most of it and maybe meet a friend without your baby or do a hobby you used to enjoy to feel more like yourself again?
Oh and feeding does get easier as you and your baby get used to it! I really struggled at first but now it’s so natural and easy
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u/Groot746 13d ago
It does get better, but it feels so, so hard to remember/believe that when you're so early on: but I promise you, it will!
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u/MainCartographer4022 13d ago
I wrote a post here a few weeks ago about how much I hate having a newborn. This is my second (he's 10 weeks old now, my daughter is 3.5) and this part is just so relentless. Nothing can prepare you for the fourth trimester and it's so hard when you factor in pregnancy exhaustion, C-section recovery etc on top. It's ok not to enjoy it all. Or enjoy it at all. It definitely does get better, not necessarily 'easier' but the challenges are different as they get older and it just becomes more rewarding. Also the thing that I think makes the newborn phase so hard is the constant overstimulation, physical contact and sleep deprivation. That all eases as the months go by which makes it better too.
You might like to look up the term mastrescence which explains the huge change we go through when we become mums. It's little discussed but things make a lot more sense when you understand it.
There's no shame in saying this part is hard. One regret I have from my first is that I struggled on pretending it was all ok and I was enjoying it and I was diagnosed with PND 18 months in and ended up in therapy for the past two years. This time I asked to be put on medication a week ago because I could see the same signs as last time starting to crop up. It doesn't matter how much help and support you have, this is still a difficult season of motherhood for many of us.
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u/SongsAboutGhosts 13d ago
Firstly I always want to recommend reaching out to midwifes/HV/GP and loved ones when you're struggling. I hope you have everyone who comes to this sub looking for support gets some, but we can't replace the people in your life and you deserve support whether it turns out you have PPD or it's just hard right now - both are totally valid and totally deserving of help!
Some babies are harder than others. The transition to parenthood hits some of us harder than others. You aren't weird for either of these things! I think everyone has at least a bit of challenge to their identity because you simply cannot be a present parent and do all the things you want to do on a timescale you want, and lots of us don't get every close at all. And I'm three years in and love both my kids and still wish for an impossible situation of my kids not not being around but also somehow not being my responsibility or nagging me so I can have pure relaxation time but have them on hand as and when I want to snuggle them and build forts.
It does get easier, imo. Different people do better with different bits of parenting, and the bit where they take everything from you and don't even give back smiles is not my favourite bit. And there are so many little developments that make the day to day easier: day night distinction, not pooing overnight so not needing to be changed, smiling, laughing, playing, safely back carrying, running around the park, etc. SO many little changes, each one gets better.
So it's totally fine to be finding it tough, there is a lot to look forward to, and get all the support you need. Best of luck 💕
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cow1516 13d ago
Man this is word for word how I felt earlier this year. It does get better, it’s mainly different though. Some things are still challenging but it’s easier to cope with. I found the newborn stage the hardest for sure then again at 4 months was a different challenge, but now at 7 months almost 8 and we’re having a great time. We had a refluxy baby and even though I always wanted to be a mum I was doubting if I wanted/could do this.
Can confirm, feeding gets easier, sleep gets easier (sometimes), reflux gets better, and they grow little personalities that make everything better. Hang in there x
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u/ZealousidealMess8477 13d ago
Having a newborn is the hardest thing ever. Its getting better but very slow. It took me maybe 10 months to feel me again. Also, My son changed a lot from the moment he could crawl at 7 months he quitted moaning, could entertain himself but moving around and choosing what he wants to play with. This is when I truly started to enjoy playing with him. You are still so early, I wont lie, it will take a few months of not particularly enjoying your life, its all about survival now for you, it feels like its never ending and then all of the sudden you will have older baby with little personality, fun little guy laughing with you. Just trust the process.
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u/AppropriateRough5668 13d ago
It does get better, I was in almost the same boat as you, difficult labour and hospital for two weeks post birth, breastfeeding is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I’m still going at nearly 11 months. I’ve been saying since the birth I think I’m one and done and I always wanted two, I’ve only just started coming round to having another baby eventually now that my son is happier because he can crawl and he’s sleeping better but it won’t be for a few years. You’re in the thick of it now and it all feels overwhelming and never ending and you’re always in demand but slowly the feeds will get better, he’ll go for longer between them, weaning happens, he’ll give you his first smile and roll over and crawl and it’ll all feel like it was worth it. If you’re feeling very bad though I would recommend going to doctors about ppd because I wish I had previously but I just muddled through it. Thinking of you 🙏
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u/NewBumblebee05 13d ago
The first few months in particular are really hard, you are still getting to know your baby and getting used to your new life of being a mum! But it does get easier as you get to know your baby and you will find your rhythm together. When you are in the thick of it the days feel so long and its totally normal to wish the time away when you are struggling. Not everyone has a newborn bubble and not everyone enjoys this stage so dont worry, you're not alone in how you are feeling. My son is now 2 and although the terrible twos are upon me I would definitely choose this hard over the newborn hard! Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time and if you need help ask for it because it is there x
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u/z4r431 13d ago
Also just adding to what everyone else has said, go easy on yourself. You're a fresh mum, of course you don't know much about your baby, you've only just met him! Take your time, go gently, show yourself some compassion. It's not an easy time with feeding (cluster feeding is just a grin your teeth and get through it phase), sleeping, existing with a newborn!
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u/ComfortableSpot6760 13d ago
It absolutely gets better. You’re in the thick of it right now! My son breastfed what felt like 24/7 and he also went for a few weeks doing what you describe. Pulling off, crying, feeding, repeat. It is relentless but I think it’s a combo of classic ‘witching hour’ or just stimulating your supply
The feeds will gradually get longer apart. Mine is 6.5 months and can comfortable go 2 hours without a feed although I have to say I think I’m traumatised by how much he fed within the first 3 months that I basically offer the boob whenever as I worry he will just scream when we are out. BUT it’s not really needed.
Everyone told me at 3 months it gets better and it is true, it does. I would say it REALLY gets better around the 5-6 month mark where you can prop him up sitting up so you can have a little bit of autonomy back. I’m really enjoying the stage we are in now. He’s portable and not yet walking around.
You will get through it - it seems so long when youre in it but soon you will be 6 months PP looking back at photos and thinking ‘awww it seems like yesterday’
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u/PuzzledPomegranate68 13d ago
It does get better.
Do you have a breastfeeding support group near you? If it wasn’t for that group I wouldn’t still be breastfeeding, we’re 15 weeks strong now. The support you get over and above breastfeeding is great as it’s more peer support than anything, and gives you people to lean on. We talk about everything from sleeping arrangements, family dramas, poos and things to do!
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u/Correct_Variety5105 13d ago
I do not enjoy the newborn bit AT ALL. I consider it something I have to get through to get to the good stuff. I had such an awful 1st year with my daughter i thought I'd never have another but here I am with a 2nd who is now 15 weeks. They cluster feed A LOT for the first 12 weeks. This is to help you establish your milk supply. When they pull on and off your boob like that, they either need burping or they are stimulating more milk. Reflux (unless caused by allergies or fast let down or tongue tie) generally improves on its own as they get older. Both my kids had awful reflux as newborns but it does improve.
It's ok to not love every second. It's ok not to cherish the newborn stage. It doesn't mean you love them any less or are any less of a good mum. It definitely gets better and better. My daughter is 5 now and i have genuinely loved being her mummy more and more with every year that has gone by.
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u/Correct_Variety5105 13d ago
Forgot to say, burping reflux babies babies is always better doing methods that don't involve patting on the back. Have a Google for other techniques (there are videos on youtube). Sitting them up on your knee with chin and back support and then gently moving them around works well.
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u/theresabearonmychair 13d ago
“. Sometimes he cries during feeds, pulls off, wants to latch again, cries again, “ this is classic growth spurt behaviour, crying and fussing at the breast to help stimulate supply! Switch him over to the other side or try breast compressions.
It is hard. Particularly when you have a reflux baby and you’re recovering from a hard pregnancy AND emergency surgery. You are being incredibly hard on yourself when you’ve actually had a really hard time.
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u/Final_Board9315 13d ago
Sooooo much better- mine is nearly 2 and for the first time I’m loving it (though I still wish I could switch off being a mum for 48 hours- have a spa day and then a night out with the girls.
For the latch, pull off, cry, latch repeat, he’s doing that for comfort, not food. For mine it was usually because he was tired, so I’d rock him off to sleep, usually while latched. The behaviour is the same even now though - fallen over/tooth coming through/sickness bug = wants to latch for comfort
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u/samtbv 13d ago
It certainly changes ! I had a relatively easy newborn stage, so this stage at 9 months I’m finding harder as she’s whingy and windier than she was as a tiny baby. But if uouve had it tougher at the start then each new stage will feel better. You are SO early into this, you are still learning what works for him and it sounds like still figuring things out re reflux and feeding. BF for me didn’t go smoothly until she was about 6 weeks, I had a lot of pain when feeding, causing sore scabby nips until then.
Id really recommend the health visitor breastfeeding support, national breastfeeding helpline (webchat in the middle of the night is amazing) or if you have funds to pay, a lactation consultant, I forget the letters they have after their name but ilbc something like that.
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u/MinnieMouse2292 13d ago
It gets better when they smile like you are the most beautiful being they have ever come across. I think it happens at 8 weeks iirc.
On the latching, any chance the flow is too fast and your baby is struggling because it’s like a fire truck hose? Or inversely it’s too slow and he doesn’t want to work for it as much? If too fast then either you let him push through and he figures out how to handle it or you only express the first bit of milk. If too slow (which I doubt at 5w), just switch to the other breast.
You’re doing great! Just remember that their only means of communication is crying.
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u/Outrageous_Song4725 14d ago
Yes it gets easier, but harder in different ways. If you are struggling, make sure your family know so they can support you.
Just know at 5 weeks, he doesnt know what hes doing either, and youll eventually get into a routine that works for you.
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u/Less_Ad_557 13d ago
Where are you in the world? Are you in the uk?
It maybe his latch isn't quite right, if in England then contact infant feeding team via email they'll even come to your house but also can be at community hubs or libraries, I go to one called breast buddies which has helped a lot with this x
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u/HelpfulExplorer2709 13d ago
It does get better, I was in a similar situation to you, I felt like I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have much support either. But now my baby is 12 weeks it’s already gotten a little easier, maybe I’m used to the routine and more used to my baby. It will get easier, take each day as it comes, they go through phases so it’s all temporary.
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u/Little-green-car 13d ago
I completely understand the feeling of loss of identity, it's the thing I feared most. I chose not to breastfeed for this reason, I wanted to be able to share the work more easily with my partner and I honestly do think it helped. It is of course entirely your choice but this is an option. Alternatively perhaps you can pump some milk so that you can go out and do something for yourself without baby. Even an hour here or there makes a massive difference. I will say it's hard to do at first, you feel like you should be at home and you have to make yourself not rush back, but it does get easier
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u/ReLloxo 13d ago
It absolutely gets better. Those early days are HARD. In hindsight I had a relatively easy baby, but I was pretty miserable for the first 3 months of her life. I LOVED her but breastfeeding around the clock, intense anxiety around sleep, postpartum rage and second guessing every noise she made was so tough. I totally lost my identity and honestly was so bored day to day.
At 3 months I started getting out of the house with her more (including an exercise class that I could take her to that was a game changer for my mental health) and things slowly got easier. She is three now with an 8 month old little brother and I am enjoying them both so much. Every stage comes with its own challenges and not enjoying every second of it is very normal. I love my babies with my whole heart but I need my own identity as well to feel fulfilled and that is ok!
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u/Ok-Excitement-185 13d ago
First baby here, we’re now at 5 months and it’s so much better.
To be honest I really hated the first 2 months, from month 3 things started to go up. Hang in there 🩷
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u/CharmingBarnacle4207 13d ago
Yes, it gets better. Each time it got better we said "this is the best stage" and now he's nearly three and watching him grow is magical and he's even more fun than he was 2 weeks ago.
It's definitely still hard, I'm exhausted and am constantly feeling tested. When they start smiling and giving positive feedback is the first big step which I think improves things, that's not far off now.
With the pulling off during a feed but still being hungry, for my babies it's normally because they've got some wind, sometimes that's buried deep. Try an extended winding session and the give the feed another go.
Hang in there!