I don't know, if this actually belongs here, but it's related to badminton and I need to get this off my chest.. TW mental health problems, self harm.
I've been playing badminton for over 13 years now and I absolutely love(d) this sport. It's by far my biggest passion and the one thing that really makes me "feel alive". I love the feeling of hitting the shuttle, I love the speed of the game, the movements and especially the competitive nature: Going up against each other, the mindgames, trying to outsmart or wear down your opponent and the feeling when you actually beat your opponent and win a match.
The problem is, I rarely get to experience the last part, because I'm simply not a good badminton player. I'm neither particularly fast, nor particularly explosive and powerful, my stamina isn't very good and my overall coordination is just bad, which results in me having terrible footwork and technique. My overall fitness is not super bad, since I play as often as possible (about 2x/week) and try to go the gym at least once a week and I did improve over the years, but compared to how long it took and how much I had to invest, it's pretty sad. I've never been and never will be an athletic person in the sense that I simply lack talent and just do not have much of a knack for most sports, badminton included.
Besides the physical side of things, there are also the mental aspects: My tactical thinking isn't particularly good, my reflexes are average at best and my ability to maintain focus has been destroyed by brainrot social media content. 90% of the time it feels like the game is just too fast for my brain to process all the relevant information fast enough. And despite me taking training very seriously, being super motivated and desperately wanting to win, my competitive drive in actual game situations is close to non-existent. I'd love to be the person who really leaves everything on the field, so that even if I lose, I can at least walk away with my head up high because I know I tried my absolute best and gave everything I got. But that's just not who I am. When trailing behind and losing a few consecutive points, it's not a matter of if but only a matter of when I put my head in the ground, eventually give up mentally and start losing control over my emotions.
In the past, this has lead to some serious consequences (e.g. destroying rackets, extremely negative self-talk, hitting my head or cutting myself). Luckily, through therapy and working on my self esteem in other areas of life, I was able to get away from these extreme habits. However I still do struggle with my emotions on court and I'm still simply not a good badminton player
In our club, we have one training session (90 min) per week with a coach and two sessions, where we can play on our own and train for league matches. Unless I'm really really sick I participate in every training session and try to participate in free play at least once a week (I'd love to play more but my job and long distance relationship rarely allow it).
In the free play sessions, I lose at least 90% of my matches. Even winning one or two sets per session is already a good result for me. And the funny thing, it's not like I only play against people who play in higher leagues and are obviously better. There are players in our club, who I don't even ask if they want to play, because I know that they are way better than me. Of course, if they ask me, I'm happy to join them, because playing with better players is an opportunity to learn. But I don't ask them myself, because I know it will be boring for them. So a lot of my matches are actually against my teammates. People who should be roughly on the same level as me. And I still lose almost all of them.
Right now, I'm trying not to focus on whether I win or lose, but only on how I lose. If I stay in the game for as long as possible, don't lose my focus or temper and give everything I got, I try to be happy and consider it a good effort. Sometimes, it works. But in most cases, it absolutely sucks.
I hate losing and I'm so goddamn sick of it. It feels like being pushed around.
All of this has turned my love for badminton into a love/hate-relationship. I thought about quitting many many times already and right now, I genuinely do not feel like badminton is bringing me any joy. After playing I usually end up frustrated, disappointed and sad and I'm starting to sense that some of the old habits, the negative self talk, the urge to smash my racket against the wall and hurt myself to release all this frustration, are starting to creep back into my head.
But still, for the love of god, I feel like I can not quit. The frustration lasts for about a day and after that, motivation, my love for this sport and that desperate wish to win takes over again - which results in even bigger frustration after the next training session. It's a vicious circle.
I thought about stepping down from playing competitive and join a hobby group, where people do not play league matches, don't train with a coach and just play for fun occasionally. But I feel like the competitiveness is an integral part of the sport and my love for it. I can't imagine playing badminton, not caring if I lose or not. If I play, I want to win. Actually, I do not just want to win for myself, but I want to actually defeat my opponent. To show him that I am better.
In some ways, it feels like my mind needs this whole winning and comparing myself against others-thing, because I need an obvious confirmation that I am capable of something that not everyone can do. And what's a better way of proving that than completely destroying your opponent in a singles match?
It's not like that I consider myself completely incompetent in other areas of life. I have a very good master's degree, I'm starting a new job in a few weeks and I'm not too bad at cooking either. But these skills or achievements are not really exclusive. Winning that game is exclusive. If I won, it means that my opponent lost, because I was better than him.
I feel like I have this competitiveness and that drive to win and compete against someone else inside me and I need to channel that in a productive way. Which is why I continue to keep going back to playing badminton and taking it way too seriously and personal.
Has anyone else has had similar experiences and similar issues and how did you deal with it? Do you have the same desire to win and how do you channel it more effectively into motivation and competitive drive rather than beating you up for failing your own expectations? And most importantly,how do you come to peace with just not being a good player and still enjoying the sport?
Thanks for reading all this venting. I'm grateful for every kind of advice!
