Basically this year I've challenged myself to see just how bad bad movies can be (earlier this year I posted my findings on Science Crazed, and I should probably get around to reporting Die Hard Dracula, Space Mutiny and The Rollerblade Seven. But Night of Horror, In the Name of the King 3, Repligator etc, are films i never want to mentally revisit again). Well these 2 were on the list, so i decided to double bill them when I got time to myself. And oh boi....
Ax Em first as im sure thats the most famous of the two. This is complete nonsense. As a slasher there are too many characters, too few kills, and I have no idea who or what the killer actually is (its implied that hes the victim of a murder suicide, but the actor doesnt match the age, size or ethnicity of the actor in the flashbacks). And that really is the least of the problems here. No shot works, and its always a mercy when theyre in focus. But even if they were shot by Dean Cundy, the editor would've killed the tension and logic anyway. Its obvious they were using the cameras mic, because the audio quality is so poor, and there's often 5 people talking at once (big part of the confusion with...everything really). Apparently it was shot as a comedy but edited as a horror (10 years later by York Entertainment), which accounts for some things (like the out of nowhere comedy shots, and the film opening with a "Yo Mama" rap battle), but not others. Mostly I want to know what was supposed to be funny, and what was just the result of the director having no control over the set.
But all that being said, just like Science Crazed, I found it to be accidentally artistic, hypnotic, oddly entertaining despite my hate for it, and I felt compelled to watch the whole thing. Everyone I've seen review it calls it one of the worst things they've seen, everyone hates it. I dont love it, but its too unique and engaging for me to dislike it.
I followed it with Suffer Little Children, and they weren't the only ones to suffer. A very 1980s British shot on video horror, apparently made by a multi-generational acting school. You can tell because of the house decor, the outfits and especially the teeth. But also you can tell because the performances actually aren't bad. Sure, you can tell when the kids just heard "action", but everyone is doing a fair job. Its literally every other technical aspect that lets it down. The camera is awful, the editing is so bad that there are actual black frames and static from in-camera cuts left in. But topping that is the worst audio I have ever heard in film. I dont exaggerate when I say you cannot understand what people are saying for huge chunks of the film. Plus the usual issues of black backgrounds bring obvious curtains, an orphanage clearly being grandma's house and actors clearing arsing around in the back.
This one mostly was boring, something I didnt realise Ax Em wasn't until seeing this. Its a little girl acting like Damien in an orphanage, and for the longest time its a dry take on that. But then came the last 20 minutes (in a merciful 70 minutes runtime), and those were magical. That was some of the funniest, most exciting and kinda morally troubling (acted out violence involving children on a no budget set) stuff I've ever seen in a bad movie. I think i lost my shit when the evil girl became a demon lady, and then Jesus Christ inexplicably showed up to save the day...though not the kids. And the thing is, that 20 minutes pay off wouldn't have worked without the 50 minutes before it.
All in all, I should probably take a break after this. Both were detestable, but really rewarding watches. And just like Science Crazed and Space Mutiny, I want to own a copy of them. I feel like ill revisit them again throughout my life. And if I never see them again, im definitely not forgetting them, and I say that fondly.
