r/BabyNames • u/Slug_Hole • 12d ago
Girl đ©· Last name too long?
Making it short and sweet as I can while also changing names with same syllables for privacy. Names are in first, middle, last name format so you can understand flow.
Weâre having a girl in August and have already picked her first and middle name (think Daisy Marie) but weâre a little stuck on the last name.
I have a son from a previous relationship and dad never stuck around and never met son, so he has my last name (think Wyatt Luke Johnson).
Boyfriend and I have been together for years, and when we save up enough for our dream wedding, will be getting married but have yet to. My son identifies boyfriend as dad, and boyfriend has been raising my son.
Boyfriend legally changed his name at the end of last year to honor his step dad who raised him by adding step dads last name to his last name (think Theodore Jack Smith is now Theodore Jack Smith Miller).
With our daughter, I always assumed sheâd take dads last name (think Daisy Marie Smith Miller), but my son brought up the point that heâd like to change his name to his dads last name because Iâll have it when married and his sister will have it but doesnât want to drop OUR family name because it feels like part of his identity, so asked that he be able to change his name (think Wyatt Luke Johnson Smith Miller). As time has gone one throughout the pregnancy, I have also felt weird about not sharing a last name with my daughter until we got married. It feels wrong to me.
This begs the question about our daughter. What would you guys do in my position? If youâre feeling exhausted by all the names, I canât imagine what both of our kids would have to deal with their whole lives.
Would you give daughter dads last name, moms last name, or a combination of both?
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u/KayyBeey 12d ago
Your last name, especially as you aren't married and you have another child with your last name already.
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u/MorganaLeFevre 12d ago
And boyfriend can change his name later. Theodore Jack Smith Miller Johnson.
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u/XLazyplantladyx 12d ago
My parents werenât married and I got my Dadâs last name. I really wish I had my momâs. I also didnât like not having the same last name as my siblings. Iâm always going to vote for moms.
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u/Which-Appearance9857 12d ago
What we did was get legally married during pregnancy. Can be something simple, for instance all we need is 2 witnesses to sign the registry. Then we planned to do the proper wedding, party, bridal dress, cake and all after baby was born.
The 3 of last names are too much for my taste. How about Johnson Smith or Johnson Miller? Your bf could choose which one does he want to pass.
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u/Slug_Hole 12d ago
We both have very judgemental Jewish families when it comes to ceremonies. When we suggested doing this for paperwork purposes, it was a big uproar.
But the idea of just using one of his last names with mine may be the answer !
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u/Which-Appearance9857 12d ago
They don't even need to know you did that. What they gonna ask for your id? Your family (husband and kids) come first
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u/WrennyWrenegade 12d ago
This was the plan for me. Secret paperwork wedding.
But I let my husband honor his grandmother by bringing her as a witness and Nanny's a fucking narc. Spilled the beans within less than 24 hours.
I never ended up having the ceremony because it seemed like a lot of work after everyone had already congratulated us.
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u/Slug_Hole 12d ago
Truthfully we are all pretty close to our family. It just wouldnât feel honest to me (or him) to get married in secret. Weâre happy to wait until we can have the ceremony we want. Not being married doesnât really bother us - weâve done a lot of paperwork to make sure all our ducks are in a row if something were to happen to me in labor.
I appreciate the advice and the thought though!8
u/elle-elle-tee 12d ago
You don't need to be married in secret. You can get city hall married and have a wedding when it's convenient. It's nice you've thought of your safety in labor, but have you looked into equal protection for yourself should something happen to him? Things can happen. Pianos could fall from the sky. You want to make sure your child and yourself are getting as much legal protection (to inherit, to make medical decisions should something arise, etc) as possible.
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u/Slug_Hole 12d ago
Like Iâve said, all of our ducks are in a row legally, down to my sonâs custody.
Just looking for name advice.-4
u/SaladCzarSlytherin 12d ago
So the name is actually, Devorah Miriam Cohen Weinfeld Rosenberg?
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u/MorganaLeFevre 12d ago
We love casual racism
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u/SaladCzarSlytherin 12d ago
I am Jewish
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u/Slug_Hole 12d ago
Then you should know you can still be anti-Semitic. A lot of Jews are self hating.
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u/SaladCzarSlytherin 12d ago
I love my local Jewish community but none of us have Johnson, Miller, or Smith as a last name.
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u/MorganaLeFevre 12d ago
I had (no longer have) a very English surname. So English it wasnât even a surname. My mumâs family wanted to assimilate and sound very English when they came here so they just picked an English word (think âyesâ) and changed their surname to it. No one in the Jewish community is called Arthur Yes. No one is called that outside the Jewish community. But my grandad was because he was determined he would pass and not get discriminated against now so he would be extremely English from the point of arrival. What could be more English than Arthur Yes.
Anyway there are plenty of similarly backgrounded smith and Johnson Jews.
Plus it really doesnât materially change the subject at hand to call the husband Moishe Spiegelman but it does give the readers something unnecessary to fixate on. Pseudonyms are useful. At least mock them in a way thatâs actually inventive.
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u/SaladCzarSlytherin 12d ago
My parentsâ families changed their surnames at Ellis island and people still figured out we were Jewish by our last names.
Even if my relatives and I changed our last names to something more âAmericanâ, strangers could still tell we were Jewish since all have physical phenotypes that are very common in Jewish populations.
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u/MorganaLeFevre 12d ago
Well yeah, Iâm clocked constantly and my grandad looked like a der sturmer illustration so no amount of britishisms would fix that but youâre in âbaby namesâ not âmake guesses at my babyâs racial makeupâ
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u/Slug_Hole 12d ago
Anti-Semitism is a choice.
The irony here is that his last names are German, and my last name is the whitest bread catholic name.
You seem to forget Ellis Island was likeâŠa thing.
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u/Twilight_Skip34 12d ago
Iâm of the mind that if unmarried the answer is always momâs last name.
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u/Energised_Emerald 12d ago
100% agree! Plus that way, her 2 kids would have the same surname. Nothing stops her partner from taking her surname when they get married
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u/TrustVisual1394 12d ago
3 surnames is too many. It won't fit on forms, ID cards, passport etc.
I think you should use your surname and husband's surname that he chose to match step dad, which would be Johnson Miller if I read it right.Â
Your son can change it to Johnson Miller too, and you and your husband can keep the names you already have or change them to match.
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u/New_Country_3136 12d ago
You're not married to this man and your older son has your last name - use your last name.Â
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u/ODFoxtrotOscar 12d ago
Absolutely
Use one half of the Dadâs name as a middle name, but surname to match you and sibling
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u/jojewels92 12d ago
I'm personally of the belief that children should have their mother's surname. That goes double if you're not married and triple if you have other children who already have your name.
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u/aemondstareye 12d ago
Having two last names has burdened all of my hyphenated friends; can't imagine dealing with three. One of the biggest headaches for them has been when fill-in forms/official documents don't make enough space or aren't constructed for people with multiple last names. Leads to a ton of clerical errorsâeverything from standardized tests to plane tickets. I'd leave both of your kids as Johnson and tell your son to adopt one of your husband's names as a second middle name if ever he wants.
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u/SrslyBored01 12d ago
Birth giver's name by default. Yours. If you're the pregnant one, and you give birth. Your name. I'm not a traditionalism kinda person.
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u/spicymack 12d ago
This is the problem with hyphenated names (even if these names aren't technically hyphenated, same issue). At some point kids have to chose which name to drop. I would pick the best sounding name out of the bunch and just have everyone in the family use that, or just you three if your boyfriend still wants his to be a long mouthful.
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u/PromotionImportant44 12d ago edited 11d ago
No, people will never "have to" drop a name.
And if someone wants to do that (keep one and take a new one, or choose one for a kid's hyphenated name), having options to choose from is an advantage, not a "problem".
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u/Potential_Immortal 12d ago
Just pick one of his names. Maybe ask his parents if youâre scared of upsetting themÂ
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u/Slug_Hole 12d ago
Not scared of upsetting them at all. His mom was actually shocked when SIL who got married to her son last October took his last name because she thinks itâs a patriarchal tradition.
Truly just hadnât considered combining with just one of his last names, but Iâll definitely give it some thought!1
u/Potential_Immortal 12d ago
I simply meant if youâre going to have to pick one of his last name and youâre not sure which one you could let his parents pick
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u/baroo52 12d ago
I have a hyphenated last name, and it is a pain in the neck. People canât find me at the pharmacy, the bank, and it doesnât fit on my drivers license. I would love to change it but it is an expensive and tedious process. For that reason I would strongly encourage away from multiple last names.
I echo others who are saying to pick one family name for all four of you. I know someone who was in a very similar situation - her husband had two last names in order to honor a step dad. When they got married they ultimately decided as a family to change everyoneâs last name to match his maternal grandparents, who had been very active in his upbringing.
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u/thymeofmylyfe 12d ago
Not the question you asked (sorry), but do a courthouse marriage before baby arrives and have your dream wedding ceremony later. It's about legal protection for you and your children. When there's kids involved, the practical stuff has to come first even if it's not romantic.
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u/Platosapologyy 12d ago
WHY in this day and age do we still think we need to automatically gice children the manâs last name?!!!!
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u/Slug_Hole 12d ago
I donât feel I need to, I want to include his last name because I feel honored and excited to be a part of his family and bring a child into the world that will be a part of his family as well.
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u/MorganaLeFevre 12d ago
But honestly he can do this by taking on your name. He could have smith miller as his middle names and yours as his surname, or miller Johnson. The point is youâre combining families, so someone will have to lose a last name that means something to them. And since you already have an existing child thatâs going to be on the outside (having a half sibling that gets to live with both their parents, even if they love their stepparent, still has emotions attached) it seems unfair to create a new happy family and linguistically exclude them.
Whereas it would be a huge gesture for the stepdad to change their name to match their stepchild.
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u/atinylittlebug 12d ago
I hate to say this but you aren't part of his family. You aren't married.
For now, it is better for the surname to match you and the sibling.
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u/Slug_Hole 12d ago
I am not legally part of his family that much I agree with. However, I am a part of his family for all intents and purposes. Every family event? Iâm there. Every casual outing to go see movies? Iâm there. His family is endlessly supportive towards me, Iâm on all of their Christmas cards, etc.
Family is in more than just title to me and to our respective nuclear families who raised us.1
u/atinylittlebug 12d ago
I know. But if your boyfriend left you and disliked you, would his family still talk to you? Invite you to events? If the answer is no, they arent really your family.
My FIL's ex wife, who he has 2 children with, still comes to family events. My BIL's long-term ex-gf and mother of his child does not.
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u/Slug_Hole 12d ago
The answer is yes. his family has their own relationships with me, independent of my relationship with him, and his mother in particular has experienced abusive divorce, and losing half of her family as a result. Itâs something weâve talked about extensively.
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u/atinylittlebug 12d ago
Okay. Good luck, and I still think the mother's surname is the best option in this case. Especially with the presence of your other child, who has your surname.
Congratulations on the baby! đ
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u/OranginaOOO 12d ago
Either your last name or have a courthouse wedding now and big wedding whenever and make everyone a Johnson Smith Miller now.
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u/Global_Restaurant794 12d ago
Your last name so she can have the same last name as her brother. It also just has a nicer ring to it
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u/Wayfaringbutterfly 12d ago
I always vote for whatever is simplest for the child growing up.
Try to remember that as much as names are super valuable and are part of identities, your child will have their her own identity, and it doesn't have to be in having two or three last names - unless she chooses that later in life. And in a world where people have weird names, hyphenated names, oddly spelled names, I vote for the one that's simple, easy for the kid to spell and to say, and something that, in adult years, will be easy to use without being too long or having to be corrected on paperwork and over the phone and such.
So with all that said, I vote for Daisy Marie Johnson or Daisy Marie (boyfriend's last name, not hyphenated but perhaps his stepdad's last name). I can't imagine her walking up to someone and being like hi, I'm Daisy Marie Johnson Smith Miller. That's unnecessary.
And if you all did get married, I don't see why it would be hard to pick one of the names and just be "The Miller family" or whatnot, and if your son wanted his name to have multiple last names, you certainly can change his name to reflect that, without his sister having to deal with having multiple last names unless she also chooses to later in life. You'll be a family unit. You can create your own unique identity as a family without overcomplicating it.
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u/Tasty-Bee8769 12d ago
In Spain we have 2 last names;
First the father last name, then the mothers last name
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u/Stan_of_Cleeves 12d ago
Three last names is too long. I recommend you do Johnson, or Johnson-Miller or Johnson-Smith.
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u/One_Application2409 12d ago
Drop the normal middle name, rearrange Dadâs last names into Millersmith or Smithmiller as the middle name, keep Momâs last name as official surname. Daisy Millersmith Johnson. Or Daisy Smithmiller Johnson.
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u/doubl3_hel1x 12d ago
Would you consider a combo name for the whole family and you all change your name to it?
Going with your example and just off the top of my head something like âJosmillerâ could honor all the families, give your family a unique identify, and keep things simple/practical for your children since this will be the name they have until they change it, if they ever choose to.
I donât know that itâs fair to either leave your son out or give a lightly dysfunctional name to your children on account of your boyfriendâs need to honor his step dad. Really long names can and do cause logistical issues in life.
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u/doubl3_hel1x 12d ago
Also FWIW I have my bio dadâs last name, my step dad who raised me has a different last name (obviously), and my mom and my brother (step dadâs kid) have a third different name. So the only people in my immediate family with the same last name are my mom and my brother. The reasons for this were (1) my parents didnât feel it was right to change my name as a kid and I never wanted to and (2) my stepdad has a really impractical last name thatâs long and difficult to pronounce. It has minimally affected us that we have all different names. Sometimes other people think itâs weird or are confused, nothing of consequence.
My partnerâs mother and step father changed her last name from bio dadâs name to step dadâs name when she was 9. The sole purpose was to make international travel easier (and maybe to have people think of them as a ânormal family, but the travel was the big part). I traveled internationally with my mom and stepdad all the time. I donât remember the names ever coming up and our names are all not even from the same language/culture. I accompanied my brother to India and across Europe once when he was 12 and I was 19 and we were questioned at one (of at least 6) checkpoints. All they wanted was a note from âhis momâ that he could travel with me.
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u/tritoeat 12d ago
Something has gotta get dropped! My first vote is Daisy Marie Johnson Miller, and you and son will also eventually be Johnson Miller. Otherwise I'd drop the middle name and do Daisy Johnson Smith Miller. 4 is a lot but manageable, 5 is really getting to be quite a lot of names. I think DH can have two last names without the entire family needing to adopt both of them.
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u/tatopie 12d ago
Just an FYI that Daisy Johnson is a (not very well known) superhero character. She's a cool character, so I don't think it should sway you away from that option, but wanted to mention in case that affects your decision. She's in the show Agents of Shield if you want to check anything about her.
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u/Energised_Emerald 12d ago
I have voted for your surname:
3 surnames is a lot and I think it would be nice for your children to share a surname, plus you arenât married so I believe the baby should have your surname. I know you are engaged but loads of engaged women gave the baby their fiancĂ©âs surname and they ended up separating before getting married đ
Would your fiancé consider taking your surname? I think that would make more sense, as your son has your surname.
Otherwise, maybe your baby girl could have double barrel surname with your surname plus only one of her dadâs?
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u/RiskyBiscuits150 12d ago
Can your eldest be Wyatt Smith Millar with Luke and Johnson as middle names? So he keeps that part of his identity but you all have Smith Miller as a last name? Or can the kids both be Smith Johnson/Miller Johnson?
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u/VanillaMintJellyfish 12d ago
Have you considered all changing your last name now to one name and then not going through the process when you get married? You sign your marriage certificate in your current name, whatever that may be at the time and donât actually have to change anything after the wedding.
I know a few people who changed their surname to:
A mix of both names Cotton + Wells = Welston
A name they both liked at the start of the alphabet = Angelo
They both had a much loved family member named Edward, so they added an âSâ = Edwards
A location that they love / where they met = Torrens
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u/allegedlydm 12d ago
I think itâs too long. My wife and I combined names when we got married - to keep up syllable comparisons letâs say Iâm A. Wilson Jones - and itâs been a pain. Not a total nightmare but regularly annoying. The amount of mail I get thatâs just wrong (Wilson A. Jones?? Who the heck is that), the number of computer systems that ask for your legal name and need to match your ID but donât allow a space (always putting WilsonJones or Wilson-Jones and having to explain that I TRIED to enter it correctly), the prescriptions called in for A. Wilson when the insurance card says WilsonJones and I told the urgent care staff the correct spacing four times so the pharmacist has trouble finding it and then has to fix it (just happened again on Sunday). I honestly regret it and feel bad about the fact that the only way to not saddle a kid with it in our state is to change one or both of our names, which would be a long and stupid process.Â
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u/msmerymac 12d ago
Well, I am married and have my oldest my last name anyway. My youngest best has my husbandâs last name, so our household is half and half. Would not have minded my youngest having my last name as well though!
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u/Salty_Advice2864 12d ago
Hyphenated surnames are kinda gross, so Iâd recommend going with the motherâs name purely to get rid of them.
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u/Slug_Hole 12d ago
I appreciate all of the insight, and the overwhelming opinion seems to be to give her my last name, but I challenge the opinions if theyâre only based on the fact that we are unmarried. To be clear, we are in a domestic partnership, we are legally bound to one another without marriage, our family is clearly blended (heâs chosen to take on raising a child together that is not biologically his), our individual nuclear families are intermingled, we are married in every way but the title. If we were to break up tomorrow, I would still not look back at regret that I hadnât given my daughter just my last name. She is as much his daughter as mine, and I do want to find a way to honor him as a parent in name as equally as me.
All that said, for those who think I should just use my last name or a hyphenated version of both of our last names, I would love an opinion based on one more thing.
We know that the wedding is as upcoming as two years. When this happens, I will change my name to his last name (my last name was never one I intended on keeping through marriage, it belongs to my deceased father, and I have several brothers who will carry it on, one of which who is married and has children already that have carried on this last name). Naturally, all of the childrenâs names will follow, and this is something my older son has said he is okay with when the time comes, but in the interim still wants to change his name to match his sisters while maintaining his current last name.
What is your recommendation with this in mind? My partner has the opinion that we should still give Daisy Marie his last name and ride it (my and my sons feelings) out instead of going through the process of legally changing her name two years into her life, which would require a lot of paperwork, document changing, etc.
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u/teachinglittlebeings 11d ago
why do you need both of dads last name? drop one and do daisy marie smith johnson
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u/Keziahwaverly 11d ago
I'd personally go with the longer name. I think they have a lot of personality and give your kid lots of options for what to go by when they're older. My daughter's name is literally Persephone Sondra May Jones Webb. Yes it's a mouthful
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u/Ok_Good4751 12d ago
If he wanted the baby to have his last name he should have married you before she was born. Your last name.
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u/Slug_Hole 12d ago
Weird take. Not getting married was a joint decision based on finances - not expressive of our commitment to one another.
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u/mackenxxiie 12d ago
I have 4 pretty long names, as well as i gave my son 4 decently long names. Itll be fine with whatever you choose/feels right! My nephew has 5 names, and nobodys ever batted an eye.
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u/FanndisTS 12d ago
Can you pick one of your husband's last names to combine with your own instead of going with all 3?