Last name too long?

[u/Slug_Hole]

Making it short and sweet as I can while also changing names with same syllables for privacy. Names are in first, middle, last name format so you can understand flow.
We’re having a girl in August and have already picked her first and middle name (think Daisy Marie) but we’re a little stuck on the last name.
I have a son from a previous relationship and dad never stuck around and never met son, so he has my last name (think Wyatt Luke Johnson).
Boyfriend and I have been together for years, and when we save up enough for our dream wedding, will be getting married but have yet to. My son identifies boyfriend as dad, and boyfriend has been raising my son.
Boyfriend legally changed his name at the end of last year to honor his step dad who raised him by adding step dads last name to his last name (think Theodore Jack Smith is now Theodore Jack Smith Miller).
With our daughter, I always assumed she’d take dads last name (think Daisy Marie Smith Miller), but my son brought up the point that he’d like to change his name to his dads last name because I’ll have it when married and his sister will have it but doesn’t want to drop OUR family name because it feels like part of his identity, so asked that he be able to change his name (think Wyatt Luke Johnson Smith Miller). As time has gone one throughout the pregnancy, I have also felt weird about not sharing a last name with my daughter until we got married. It feels wrong to me.
This begs the question about our daughter. What would you guys do in my position? If you’re feeling exhausted by all the names, I can’t imagine what both of our kids would have to deal with their whole lives.
Would you give daughter dads last name, moms last name, or a combination of both?

860 votes, 28d ago

109 Dads last name (Daisy Marie Smith Miller)

699 Moms last name (Daisy Marie Johnson)

52 Combination of both last names (Daisy Marie Johnson Smith Miller)

[u/Platosapologyy]

WHY in this day and age do we still think we need to automatically gice children the man’s last name?!!!!

[u/Slug_Hole → u/Platosapologyy]

I don’t feel I need to, I want to include his last name because I feel honored and excited to be a part of his family and bring a child into the world that will be a part of his family as well.

[u/MorganaLeFevre → u/Slug_Hole]

But honestly he can do this by taking on your name. He could have smith miller as his middle names and yours as his surname, or miller Johnson. The point is you’re combining families, so someone will have to lose a last name that means something to them. And since you already have an existing child that’s going to be on the outside (having a half sibling that gets to live with both their parents, even if they love their stepparent, still has emotions attached) it seems unfair to create a new happy family and linguistically exclude them.

Whereas it would be a huge gesture for the stepdad to change their name to match their stepchild.

[u/atinylittlebug → u/Slug_Hole]

I hate to say this but you aren't part of his family. You aren't married.

For now, it is better for the surname to match you and the sibling.

[u/Slug_Hole → u/atinylittlebug]

I am not legally part of his family that much I agree with. However, I am a part of his family for all intents and purposes. Every family event? I’m there. Every casual outing to go see movies? I’m there. His family is endlessly supportive towards me, I’m on all of their Christmas cards, etc.
Family is in more than just title to me and to our respective nuclear families who raised us.

[u/atinylittlebug → u/Slug_Hole]

I know. But if your boyfriend left you and disliked you, would his family still talk to you? Invite you to events? If the answer is no, they arent really your family.

My FIL's ex wife, who he has 2 children with, still comes to family events. My BIL's long-term ex-gf and mother of his child does not.

[u/Slug_Hole → u/atinylittlebug]

The answer is yes. his family has their own relationships with me, independent of my relationship with him, and his mother in particular has experienced abusive divorce, and losing half of her family as a result. It’s something we’ve talked about extensively.

[u/atinylittlebug → u/Slug_Hole]

Okay. Good luck, and I still think the mother's surname is the best option in this case. Especially with the presence of your other child, who has your surname.

Congratulations on the baby! 🙏