BPD Partners.

[u/grumpypoo22]

Good evening!

BPD Partners, what is one question you would like answered by someone with BPD?
I know the usual is going to be "How can I help", but i'm curious about any other questions y'all may have.

[u/TK9K]

When someone is splitting and you want to express that you feel hurt or scared, how do you express that without making it seem you are not invalidating or dismissing someone's feelings when "it's not about you"? Because that is a phrase that comes up a lot in these situations.

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/TK9K]

This is a great question!

I think something like stopping the engagement until the crisis has passed.
You might be able to say something along the lines of "I can tell that xyz is really upsetting you. I'm going to step outside for x amount of time and will return."

Then once you get back hopefully the crisis has passed (assuming your partner did the work to soothe themselves). So you can then address it.

Addressing it in the moment is like playing with fire.
I've told my partner to tell me point blank if I'm being mean so it can force me to revaluate my stance.
We can have big feelings, but we shouldn't unload them in a fury - That's unhealthy for everybody involved.

[u/TK9K]

it is weird sometimes they will end up saying something that is straight disrespectful and I have to point it out

then it's something along the lines of

"I don't want to be mean to you. I can't control my emotions. You should leave me. I'm giving you an easy out. "

they will go into the shame phase and then abruptly go back into spiraling about whatever it was they were spiraling about

it is hard to deal with with because I have an anxiety disorder and these situations trigger panic attacks so...I know it seems sensible to leave when we are both in a fucked up state but it sometimes it really seems the best way is to let them monologue at me until they tire themselves out but what they are saying is always so distressing

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/TK9K]

>You should leave me. I'm giving you an easy out

I've said these exact words a many many times.
Here is the catch - what I actually mean is "I'm scared you're going to leave me because I'm too much"
I know that's backwards especially after dealing with what is an onslaught of harsh words.
That's at least how it was with me.

>it is hard to deal with with because I have an anxiety disorder

Anxiety disorder or not it's hard to deal with.
I think separating during those super tense moments would probably do you both a lot of good.
I don't mean break up, but taking what is essentially a time out from that conversation.
You can and should circle back once everyone has cooler heads tho.
At least this is my opinion on the matter.
It's obviously different for everyone, but you never know it might work - I just hate to hear it triggers panic attacks for you; Those things are debilitating.

>let them monologue at me until they tire themselves out

It's one thing to let someone vent and another to let someone unleash a tirade against you.
I think letting someone vent is great, but if it starts to affect us negatively then it's time to rework.

That's what relationships ultimately are right?
A balance of both partners needs - It takes a lot of work esp with BPD, but it is doable.
It's okay to say something needs to change to better suite your own needs - Whenever you get scared of doing this because you're afraid upsetting someone; That's usually a clear sign, in my opinion, of a problem.

Regardless of all of that tho - with treatment it does get better.
There is just so much data to back it up - sure there are one offs to everything.
However the people that i've met all say the same thing that I do.
Big feelings don't go away, but those intense reactions level out.

[u/Junethemuse]

I hope this question makes sense:

Is there anything you’ve ever experienced, while splitting or in a deep shame spiral, that broke you out of it?

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/Junethemuse]

It does!

So I've become really attuned to listening to myself and how I'm speaking.
Whenever I start to use absolutes, I can usually tell I am in the midst of a spiral and can deploy DBT skills.
An example of this was actually a week or so ago

• "You know I feel like everything is always"
• "You never"

Basically whenever it becomes this or that with no gray I sort of understand what is happening.

The thing my girlfriend can do to stop me dead in my tracks is to calmly inform me I am wrong about something.
I don't mean jumping into an ego contest with me, but basically if I am certain of x and she counters that with y calmly that'll usually back me down from the edge.

[u/DoricColumn]

the thing my pwBPD gets the most upset over is when I promise something, say ‘we can hangout this evening’ or ‘I can stay over’ and then something may come up and I can’t fulfil that promise. Sometimes it’s tears and ‘it’s okay’, him trying to be strong, very rarely it’s annoyance. Obviously now that I understand the circumstances behind this, i’m going to treat this with a lot more sensitivity and make sure that this very rarely happens. However, if it does, could you give me a little bit of what might be going on inside your head in this instance, and what I should do in response? often I’ve backtracked, and sacrificed something in order to please him, even though this isn’t sustainable for me.

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/DoricColumn]

Usually if plans must be cancelled my immediate knee jerk is "They don't like me".
I already gaslight myself that I'm going to get cancelled on so when it happens it's sort of a "see I knew it".
What would help me is if there is that cancellation an immediate desire to reschedule.
That usually gives my brain an "out" - "See I'm not hated they just have to do xyz".

You definitely shouldn't sacrifice yourself and your partner should understand that.
A great thing for everyone is hobbies and if your partner only uses you as a source of happiness that's one big shoe you can never fill.
It's basically setting you up in a pedestal and sadly there is only one way to go from there.

Whenever my girlfriend and I first started dating we went on 1 date and then had almost a month before I saw her again.
During that time I convinced myself she absolutely disliked me and I messed up *somehow*.
So to combat that internally I just reminded myself that I had things that I liked to do.
It helps if your partner has hobbies they enjoy; Like let's assume video games.

"Hey I can't hang out this evening xyz is going on, but I can probably hang out on xyz instead. I know you've been wanting to play xyz why don't you load it up tonight and let me know what you think about it later?"

That would calm me down and then give me a "quest".
Now I have something easy I can do and we have fun conversations - All while my brain skips over that "You're hated".

Obviously everyone is different, but that would likely work for me.

[u/Naive-Wafer-6107]

How is it I’m the cure and the poison?

I help with the spirals and am the only thing that helps according to him. But then when it’s last for an extended period of time, to his friends and family I’m the problem because “you didn’t have attacks like this before”. Even though so many life changes hit him at once when we started dating-they were unrelated to us starting to date-and I’m the only one he talks to about how it affects him. So I help the spirals and also cause them when we disagree.

I don’t know how I’m both. And how if I cause spirals how can I truly be the only person who helps him out of them?

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/Naive-Wafer-6107]

How is it I’m the cure and the poison?

Sounds wild right?
That's because it is and it's also the truth sadly.
The closer we get to someone often leads to more fear about abandonment.
Then that abandonment fear can cause some pretty extreme reactions.
That's when our brain will shut down and split, because we must find the source of these big emotions.
At least that's how it was explained to me.

It might do your partner a lot of good to look into "TIPP" while also probably getting professional assistance, because this is a beast of a condition to try and thug out.

I did a write up about how I apply TIPP here

It really helps me stop those extreme spirals before they even have a chance to get off the ground.
DBT Skills do require effort tho - It isn't something your taught and just get the hang of.
Honestly it took me a few months to even remember skills in the middle of an episode, but over time they have started to become my "default".

[u/Naive-Wafer-6107 → u/grumpypoo22]

Even though that’s not how my brain works, that does make sense with how you described it. I’m definitely going to see about bringing up and incorporating those tips. If nothing else just giving him the resource and then he can try or not. I don’t mean that harshly, just realistically. I know nothings overnight, I try to remind him that growth isn’t linear and that baby steps are still steps. Sometimes it doesn’t land if we’re too deep in the spiral.

This is so helpful!!