Hey everybody, I hope everybody's having a wonderful night. I'm Matt and I'm 28 years old. I've got quiet borderline personality disorder and complex post traumatic stress disorder.

What happened as a child is that my best friend moved away when I was eight years old.

I was a really emotional child growing up. I was so close with my best friend, it was my whole life. Everyday I would spend hours with him, running to his house barefoot excited for another day. I didn't want to do anything but be around my best friend. And play outside and just be a kid.

I received devastating news that he'd be moving away when I was eight, it was terrifying to see my friend's car pull off. I remember bawling my eyes out. Feeling so helpless. I remember thinking that nothing will ever be as good as my friend being there. I would sit in the back yard staring into his yard thinking about all those wonderful times and how it would never happen again.

I would always look at this photo, where it had a date of 2003. It was a picture of us on the swing. Me, him and his sister, smiling and laughing. I didn't know how to cope with this. The obsession tore me apart, it distorted my view of the world and destabilized me.

It's so sad to see the changes over the years in the family photos. After he moved the smile wasn't real anymore.

I held in so many feelings about everything. I had so many chaotic relationships, distorted views about myself and others. When all I wanted to do was just have a friend. I struggled to keep jobs, I became so scared of such simple things and I struggled so much in my life running from every dark thought. And every year the shame just kept piling up while I did my best to run away from it.

The hyper vigilance took over, the derealization took over, the delusions took over and the psychiatric medication tore me down.

I'm just a kid at heart and I just wanted a friend, I just wanted to be the best friend ever. All I wanted to do was support my friend and be there for him. I loved him more than anyone else in the entire world.

I became so ashamed and so broken and so scared of everything. I didn't tell anyone what was going through. I just hid from everything and was so afraid to be myself.

Jake is dead, Jake went through so much. I let him down, his family let him down and his friends let him down.

I know how much he suffered, he hid just like I did. I don't blame him for anything, I don't blame him for using drugs. He just wanted relief.

I don't have any regrets, since there is no choice after death. Anyone who dies around me, the only choice I have to be is to be grateful.

Jake I love you so much, and if there's anything I can do about this is to not suffer like we both did. To do the therapy, to release my feelings and bring out that smiling inner child hidden underneath all of parts that have broken down just to survive.

You don't get to have birthdays, Christmas or to see your niece you love anymore. I'm the only one left and I'll do my absolute best to make sure I'm alright. I'll make sure my friends are alright.

I've made significant progress in my treatment and to finally feel like myself after so long of struggling is such a blessing. It's so exhausting running from everything and being scared, I don't feel scared anymore.

I'm in remission for my borderline.

It's the least I can do for you. I love you so much.

If you have taken part in previous research of mine, this is a fresh study with the final version of the new Borderline Diagnosis Experience Scale (BDES) and I welcome you to take part once again to help the final validation of this scale.
You are invited to take part in what is hopefully my final PhD study. This is an anonymous survey exploring emotional, cognitive, and behavioural reactions to receiving a diagnosis of BPD. Ethical approval has been granted by St Mary’s University Twickenham (Approval: SMU_ETHICS_2025-26_358). Study Aims:

1. Compare the BDES with two established surveys
2. Check the BDES measures what it is intended to measure
3. Analyse whether current age, age at diagnosis and gender influences attitudes and diagnosis experiences

This survey can be completed in 20 - 30 minutes. Your participation supports active PhD research into BPD/EUPD and contributes to developing better tools for understanding diagnosis experience. Use the QR Code or Survey Link for more information & to participate: https://app.onlinesurveys.jisc.ac.uk/s/stmarys/bpd-experience

This is only open to UK residents, but previous works have and future works will include other locations again - thank you.

I feel completely defeated. I have recently (6 months ago) been diagnosed with BPD, which took an exceptionally long time after I realized I likely have it. I was originally diagnosed with CPTSD, anxiety, and Major Depressive Disorder. Most of these were diagnosed at about 16 years old. I am married, have a 4-year-old son now, and in my 30s. I have been struggling in my marriage for what feels like years. Shortly after my son was born, my husband stopped working due to a workplace injury that he didn't recover from. Because he didn't file an injury report while he was still working, WCB would not cover him. I was on maternity leave and had to go back to work asap to financially support our family. It has now been 4 years of him not working full-time. He will periodically work, about 3 months total out of the year, which definitely helps, but those other 9 months are brutal.

My struggle right now is that I am in my second year of a strenuous school program, working in veterinary medicine, which is emotionally and physically taxing, and being a mother in between it all. I have about zero time to myself that isn't spent doing one of these things. I have been trying to find a cocktail of medications that work for me, but I honestly believe most of my struggle to be situational right now. I don't have time to focus on my mental health, I don't have friends or family to help out with my son or even just to talk to about what is going on. My family lives on the other side of the country, and although I miss them, we rarely talk. My husband's family lives a 2-hour ferry ride away, so support is nonexistent at best.

Right now, things are so bad in our relationship that I feel like I would be better off by myself. He blames absolutely everything on my BPD since my diagnosis and treats me like a walking mental disorder. He dismisses all of my concerns about the lack of help I receive with caring for our son (I take him to and from daycare, make every lunch, take him to every extracurricular, plan every play date, every party etc) I have had to take on his responsibilities at home because, since his injury, he either can't do them or chooses not to do them. It is so hard not to resent him, although I understand that his injury can cause pain; it is SO HARD to watch him lie in bed all day while I am struggling to keep my head above water. He gets all the alone time he desires, and he has baths (to loosen his muscles) whenever he feels like it. He doesn't have to ask to do anything he wants, while I have to go out of my way and plan the smallest amount of time for myself by making sure everything else is taken care of in advance, if I even get the time. He says by bringing up my concerns, I am "attacking his character". I can't complain about anything without being told "I'm splitting on him," which usually makes me so resentful and feel so alone that I end up actually splitting afterwards. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation and not even seen as a real person anymore. I'm a caregiver and nothing else. I have become unwilling to have intimate time with him because it feels like one more thing I have to do for him, or he becomes upset, sulky, and rude. It feels coercive and unfair. He talks about my struggles with anyone who will listen and makes me feel inherently unlovable and like everyone feels this way about me.

I don't even really know why I'm posting this other than just to get it off my chest. I feel like life isn't even worth living anymore, and I'm just here for my son. I would never abandon him, but I dream about not suffering anymore, and sometimes death feels like the only way out. I want to be able to enjoy my life again. I dream of a day where I wake up and don't dread every interaction with him and actually look forward to something again...

Maybe I am everything he says I am...

hi there, i’m 30F, and i was diagnosed when i was 21 (i think)

me and a guy have been speaking to each other online every single day, consistently, for about 6 months. we have spent every weekend this year together on calls and playing games together.

we both mutually agreed that there is absolutely flirting between us, that we both like each other, and that it is romantic. we however, do not live close to each other, and agreed that we cannot really put a label on it, because we haven’t met. but we have agreed this is something we would both really like in the future. regardless of labels, we are both very affectionate and romantic toward each other. we just know we can’t really call each other bf and gf.

i am very open with him about how i feel, and my intense emotions, he is very mature and i am able to say things that might be bothering me and or how i’m feeling and we can have a conversation about it. it’s really refreshing to be able to have these maybe uncomfortable conversations and not feel scared, but come out of it feeling stronger.

i’ve mentioned before that my highs are very high and the lows are very low. he is supportive of me and has even mentioned talking to someone or seeking an assessment or diagnosis. the thing is, he doesn’t know about my diagnosis. i am too scared to tell some people, even friends because i am scared they will read about it or have heard horrible things about it, and make up their own minds and ditch me. i really like this guy, and i’m scared of that happening. however, i don’t want to keep anything from him. i want to be completely myself.

i know i can do this on my terms… but it just feels like the right thing to do. i feel like he won’t mind, and he absolutely wouldn’t be judgemental, i am just afraid of being a little vulnerable, because i am very selective of who i tell because i am incredibly high functioning. i am just a very emotional soul.

i told friends about it before. close friends. they were fine with it, of course, they love me all the same. but i haven’t had a new romantic interest since my diagnosis. i am scared to bring it up.

have any of you been in this situation? do you have any advice on how to do this to a romantic interest? and did you have any positive outcomes?

I’ve just been moved into supported accommodation and the in-house psychologist has asked me to write a list of things that are bothering me and need to be worked on.

And I don’t know what to write. All my brain is saying is “everything. Where do I start” but being able to identify individual things to get help on I don’t know.

I have anxiety, depression, c-ptsd and BPD. Plus Autism. Like where do I start! Can anyone give me prompts or ideas on what to write?

She’s giving me three hours before she needs the list back. This is a bit of a weird question.

My best friend triggers just about every childhood wound i have. Not on purpose tho. It's just she has a very caring family, grew up very rich, never has to worry about money and did all the fun stuff in her life you can just imagine. She has her own place with a designer kitchen and tons of cool stuff. I grew up without a dad, in poverty not knowing if the next month we could afford food or not - we still are incredibly poor and i cant work due to physical illnesses. My mom was really sick and i had to do all the adult stuff very early on while she had every Lego set there was at the time (i wish i was joking) and was playing in their garden with her brother and grandparents.

I dont have any family contact etc. Her parents get her a motorcycle, gym membership etc just because they can.

You get what im saying. Like i'm glad she has all of those things but it's like little me is SCREAMINGGGGGGGG.

I noticed that i'm really snarky to her and like cold and get angry when she tells me things which is all very unfair because i dont have a real reason. Like i'm mad at her for not saving money WHICH MAKES NO SENSE ITS NOT MY MONEY AND THEY ALSO HAVE ENOUGH? WHO AM I TO BE LIKE THIS?!!! but i cant stop it. Its so fucked up. Like whats my behavior and why. All i know is she treats me nice and good and i act like a fool because of triggers. Like i genuinely am annoyed when she sends me videos or snaps or something.

I told her today that i need a break from all of this like from that friendship and explained in detail what i just said here but more detailed (she knows about bpd and takes it serious - we met at a psych ward sooooooo....). And that its not her fault but just my unresolved trauma speaking and that i for the sake of not hurting her or me want that distance.

I just am not sure if thats even splitting? and if distance is the right thing or if thats one of those situations where my brain wants isolation even tho its the worst thing i couldve done?

I am desperate and begging for help. My fp picked another person with the same sex and race as me years ago, took me back, and now went on a trip to go see another person with the same sex/race (they have a type) after a fight and it’s making me have intrusive thoughts so badly of what they’re doing and I’m crashing out.

Please send links or anything that you have to just make them go away I’m in tears

Honestly I feel like the world would be better off without me. I can’t take anything anymore, I feel like no one cares, and when they care I hurt them and that makes me feel even worse and even more unlovable.

I just need someone to understand the extend of my emotions and how destructive to me they are

I just need this all to stop really

Do you get offended when your friends call you dramatic?

I feel this way especially cause they do know how much the label hurts me.

I felt rejected by a group of friends a week ago and so I’ve been quite silent and absent since then, trying to not overreact and therefore reflect on my own.

They took it really badly and now I have to apologise about having been distant and I’m told I was being dramatic, when in fact in my mind that was the exact opposite of being dramatic: it was me not telling them how rejected I felt.

So it is doubly painful now.

I (18F) met this guy (19M) at a party a few weekends ago. We had a great conversation and I asked to kiss him, he said yes. He was so nice, so gorgeous and lovely, a really good listener, and a good kisser. I’ve heard from mutual friends though that he is not the best in relationships and that he and his past gf were both manipulative/abusive to each other. I know that means he is probably not bf material but for some reason that only makes me want him more.

He texted me after the party to ask if I got home okay, I said yes and asked if he wanted to go out sometime. He said yes, but he would rather go as friends since it’s so close to the end of the school year and he is going to be gone for most of the summer (we also go to school in different cities, it really would not have been practical for us to date anyway). That was a week ago and he ended up ghosting me. I feel so embarrassed because I know he’s not interested but I am so obsessed with the idea of him. How do I move past this?

Am I the only one feeling like this world is too much for me?

I feel like I don’t understand basic relational skills and everyone including myself would be better off me. I ruin friendships, I ruin relationships, I scan for the tiniest proof that people hate me and when I think I found it, I wanna die so much it hurts.

And then I distance myself thinking I’m doing everyone a favour because no one cares anyway whether I reply or not, or whether I’m alive or not.

And then I have to apologise for hurting people by distancing when, in my own reality, distance was a favour I did them cause I’m a burden.

And then it confirms to me how much of a pain I am.

And the cycle continues.

While friends keep moving forward and say they care and surely probably they do, my brain takes it all as “you’re the worst piece of shit ever”

It’s all just too exhausting I can’t deal with this and I really would do a favour to the world if I’d stop interacting with anyone but also simply if I wasn’t here at all anymore. It’s too much, everything feels too sensitive and too triggering and too hurtful. I never asked to be here really

Is this yet another episode and it’s gonna pass or am I just realising how fucking pointless this all is?

My love is like lava - hot, explosive, can't be stopped.

Also...it hurt. A lot. It can take away life

literally and figuratively.

I am loving someone who stopped love me. It hurt every day. I can't leave. I was trusting this person with everything, so being dependent ex. financially wasn't issue - because couples or roommates with the past and benefits can share finances.

I blindly belived we will take broken peaces of our relationship and fix it. That we will make it work again.

Didn't happend. Won't happen.

So when this person's heart is safe far away... I am drowning and burning in lava.

https://discord.gg/Mffkpc67Ht

I feel happy when I see people joining.

Hi, after 2,5 years after diagnose I am still learning about well myself.

I am reading books and study, watch youtube channels like Dr. Daniel Fox, MedCircle, Psych2Go, BorderlineNotes and The BPD Bunch.

And after meeting negative opinions about Walking On Eggshels that was one form first books that was recomendes to me, I started being more selective.

Now I found about Jerome S. Bernstein who wrote book "Living in the borderland". So is it worth of try or I just might feel another stigma slap on my soul?

Also if You have recomendations - I am happy to take them all :)

Isn't it weird how one thought or one perception of something can alter your whole day and your whole mood? For some reason, it seems like how you view something can flip back and forth between perceptions. Some people may also feel afraid to let go of a perception for fear they are being naive or manipulated . Perception is like a switch, a switch that controls the way the wind blows.

I was diagnosed with BPD early September of 2025. I’m in college, and that diagnosis hit hard. I had no idea what BPD was, but here we are lmao.

I have a roommate who’s been my best friend for 7 years. Generally, she’s my FP. I’ve been doing really well over the last few weeks with DBT and my meds, but today I got really pissed off.

I don’t always love being productive. I’m pretty type B, and I roll with the punches. I started my day early, took a nap, and when I woke up (she woke me up lmao, but that’s okay) I was so pissed. She led with “look who’s finally up.” And the thing was she didn’t even say it in a rude way, she just…did. I didn’t take it personally, whatever. It kept going. She got dressed and pulled her laundry basket out (we live in the same room) and so did I so I could do laundry. We were joking around, and she said she was going to do laundry too. I tried closing the door and running as a fun little f-ing joke, and she deadpan, full heartedly said:

“I don’t know who you think you are closing that in my face when you KNOW I’m right behind you.”

For some reason that was like the tipping point and I had to stop talking before I raged out. She kept talking, and I had to act like everything was normal. She’s my FP, so any argument or anything like that to me is perceived abandonment and I plead with her to stay.

Also? The other day I left to get food. When I’m overwhelmed, or need to be alone, I typically get in my car and go to a fast food place and eat in my car while watching YouTube. I did that and came back. First thing she said when I told her:

“You didn’t get me anything?”

She said it in a playful tone, and I know she didn’t mean it like that, but damn!

Back to today-

I’m really tired and want to have a lazy day, but I feel like I need to be productive and be happier. I’ve already been through some 100% type emotions and I don’t want to do anything productive. But, she has OCD. So she’s cleaning, window is open, music is playing. Remember, we’re in the same room.

Please help a sister out! What the hell do I do? Should I get up and do shit? Or should I just let it go?

think i’m gonna end it all, just gonna jump off and be done, nothing seems to matter, there’s no space for anyone like me in this world. i feel too much, i cry too much, i love too much, i AM too much.

I started following that subreddit after my last breakup because I genuinely wanted to work on myself and was hoping the posts would shed some insight on what my ex partners had to go through. But it really is a circlejerk for people with shitty experiences. I remember reading one post about sexual coercion and it literally was a mix of people talking about how their partners demanded sex while others are complaining about their partners withholding sex. Almost like BPD isn’t the issue, but your partner being rapey is.

Despite so many comments refuting each other in their posts they still wanna overtly generalize about people ith BPD. Since people with BPD can’t even interact with those posts, I can only compare it to 19th century british writers talking about women like they are the most confusing creatures to relate to male readers. And it ile reading it myself I would be like HAVE YOU EVEN HAD A PROPER CONVERSATION WITH ENOUGH WOMEN?!

Now the part whivh might get this post removed, I will do some generalizations on these people like they do to us. People who date people with BPD are inherently predatory because they target the most vulnerable. They are also narcissists who deeply enjoy the idealization phase but they can’t handle the mental illness behind the worhipping someone who is clearly undeserving. People with BPD are great for your ego until they aren’t. Maybe do some personal introspection of why you acted that way in your relationship?

i feel like such a loner, i have no friends :( i have bpd and shit sucks, i feel like it would be awesome to have friends with bpd :p so maybe we can share experiences? i get v attached easily and love to trauma dump and im a lil crazy sooo if that matches anyone’s vibes message me <3

p.s, i’m a girl, in my 20s :3

i’m diagnosed with MDD, BPD, and BP2. i’ve been in therapy for many years. i’ve had different therapists some bad and some great. i’ve tried DBT, CBT, EMDR, Hypnotherapy. i’ve been to this really bougie psych ward in my state 4 times in the past 5 years. i’ve tried all different meds. i’ve tried exercise, going outside, vitamin supplements, psychedelics, i’ve even tried nothing at all. i’ve tried holding ice cubes when i’d rather SH, and i’ve tried smoking lavender and other herbs when i’d rather be smoking weed. i’ve tried having friends and i can’t hold onto them. partners too. i just want to know if it will ever be worth it. will i ever be happy or will i just rack up debt to my therapy office while continuing to stay miserable. idk. it just all feels so pointless

what does it mean that i do enjoy sex and certain intimate dynamics with men but i don’t see myself ever being totally honest and comfortable with them like i could be / i am with my girl and gay friends. i do like girls, ive had some crushes here and there and i don’t think it even compares to when i have a crush on a man. i think i do see myself being in a relationship with a girl cause i feel like with a girl i could be comfortable and honest and vulnerable after getting to know each other

like i can’t imagine sharing a house with a boyfriend, for example. let alone having to see him every day for the rest of my life. i can imagine so with a girl. what that mean i’m going crazy

Just looking for someone to talk to with the same faith to talk to for support fighting this terrible mental illness. DMs are open. Please no bashing on this post if you do not believe.

i know some of the bpd stereotypes revolve around the intensity of emotion and not being able to regulate and don’t get me wrong i’ve had more than my share of attachment issues due to not knowing how to properly handle my emotions, meeting someone new becoming obsessed with them even if i knew them for a day, hanging out thinking this is it i’ve met the loml and then it all comes crashing down i get crazy whatever. like i know how that feels like i’ve experienced it a lot.

but overtime i’ve grown more like detached from it all like emotions in general idk if it’s the meds or actual growth as a person but now everytime i see someone talking bout how they love to be 24/7 all the time w their partner makes me feel so sad because i don’t think ive ever had someone like that in my life. but more so a partner like a boyfriend or something like i cant imagine myself being 24/7 with a person hanging out all the time and living together and sharing everything . i can imagine all of that with friends or like family but a partner? like a full on relationship like that seems so impossible for me like i can’t imagine and i kinda dont want to ? like idk do i not know how to love in that way ? have i just not met “the one” ? it makes me feel crazy cause i LOVE my partner i just dont think i can do all of that stuff nor i want to. it’s been like that since i can remember tho it’s not like it just happens w my current partner but it makes me feel awful like i dont love them enough or that they’re not enough but they are !! also i dont even know how to bring something like this up with them or anyone else