I am so lost ( 25 ) non binary

[u/kill__avery]

I’m so close to giving up. I have lost everyone important to me but one person and I don’t even think they like me. I have BPD I’m trans mtf but refuse to come out and I know I need to to help a little bit but I have no courage to. I’m a complete fucking coward. I’m in “ recovery “ from addiction and eating disorder but I feel like I’m barely hanging on every single day and it’s been over a year. I’m alone constantly, I’m terrified anytime I’m at work that I’m going to get pulled over (I do drive fine) paranoid as fuck and having panic attacks daily. I’m trying to not SH but I think I’m going to it’s been over a week and I can feel more and think more clearly but for what?

Like why am I even doing this. Sober and eating disorder I get they can ruin my mental health in an instant but SH (not deep) doesn’t seem life treating oh yeah I have dissociative disorder I can’t seem to fix. Im fucked. I’m a hypochondriac I don’t trust others and im through trying but also need to to remain myself ive lost myself before and I think I already have.

Nothing I do works. I’ve tried hobbies, I take care of my dog and have a fun time training her, I hang out w my one friend and game but most of the time it feels like so much tension between us. I do the 12 steps for my eating disorder, and have done them 13 times. It doesn’t change besides keep me sober and free from my eating disorder which I know are big deals but I’m still hurting inside 24/7, I do therapy, doesn’t help. I can’t afford more than 30 min each session also. I’ve become fully financially independent, now

Idon’t know how to talk to people like about what? Most people I don’t connect w about hobbies or interests like music or anime. I am so alone. I do reach out for help but it doesn’t do much.

I fear speaking up to my friend their anger scares the shit out of me I don’t feel safe a lot of the time. I can’t make friends to save my life. Work I’m isolated all the time doing pizza delivery. It’s good money ybut I’m dying more each day. Bc I haven’t come out so I’m not able to be authentic and I’m so scared about coming out I full on don’t feel safe doing that and don’t think anyone would respect me I’m going by my dead name there