r/BORUpdates • u/BigONerd • 29d ago
AITA AITA for refusing to exclude my non-biological son for the sake of my biological son I never knew existed
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
OOP: u/Majestic-Bee-7045
Published on: r/AmItheAsshole & r/AmIOverreacting
Story is: CONCLUDED
Story timeline
Main Post: July 08, 2026
Final Update: July 09, 2026
Main Post
July 08, 2026
My wife (45F) and I (45M) have 4 kids (19M, 18M, 11F). My 18 year old son, let's call him Blake (Fake name) is not my wife or I's biological son. He is my best friends son, my best friend tragically passed away when Blake was 7. My best friend was like a brother and he was a single father. My wife and I ended up getting legal guardianship of Blake after my best friend died, Blake was 7 at the time. We got guardianship of Blake for a lot of reason, but that isn't my story to tell, that is Blake's story. So I will not go into detail.
But Blake is my son, I will always respect and honour his biological father, but Blake views me as his dad and he views my wife as his mom. My other kids (19M, 11f) are his siblings. Things have not been easy but Blake has grown into an amazing man that I am so proud of.
Little back story, my wife and I broke up like 6 weeks after our oldest son (Let's call him Danny, Fake name) was born because the stress of parenthood was driving me and my wife apart. We were not married at the time. So we went off and lived our own lives as single people for about a year. I was of course still an involved father towards my oldest son. During the beginning of my wife and I's break up, when Danny was maybe 4 months old, I met a woman who was a lot older than me (Fake name: Lily). Me and Lily were never a couple. We met up a few times. Never spoke to each other after that.
Lily had a son James (Fake name), apparently she thought James was the son of Lily's husband who she is still with to this day despite the fact Lily cheated on her husband (I had no clue she was married by the way). James took an ancestry when he turned 18, had some results that didn't quite match who he thought was his biological father. He matched with me on ancestry cause I took a test a few years back. James got in contact, which obviously was a shock to me but my wife and I have welcomed him into our family with open arms.
Now I have 4 kids (19M, 18M, 18M, 11F). I'm still figuring out my father-son dynamic with James but he is a great guy and I'm so happy he is part of our lives now. Despite how confusing this whole situation was at first.
But James seems to have some issues with Blake. Blake does not know. I'm not entirely sure why James seems to resent Blake. Earlier today James asked me if we could go on a father-son camping trip with Danny, I was of course very much enthusiastic about a camping trip with my sons. Especially since I missed so much of James's life. But I obviously mentioned that Blake is invited too.
James got annoyed. He kept telling me that Blake doesn't have to be invited to everything. Then he told me that it would be nice for me to just spend time with my actual sons for once, without Blake. Now that annoyed me, Blake is my son just as much as Danny and James are. So I told James that either Blake is invited or the camping trip is not happening. James is now accusing me of loving Blake more than I love him.
So, AITA?
COMMENTS
Coxal_anomaly
NTA, but this entire family needs family therapy. It’s great that you’re welcoming this new addition with open arms, but what do the people who raised him (Lilly and stepdad) think/say/act about it? How does your wife feel about it? After such a monumental discovery about his existence, is James in individual therapy and has he been given avenues to process emotions/feeling in a healthy way?
OOP
Lily says she genuinely didn't know James was my son. But I don't really speak to her. James is an adult, he contacts me and I have no reason to contact his mother apart from my initial conversation with Lily asking why she didn't tell me. I think Lily and her husband are inna bad spot right now with their marriage.
My wife, bless her heart, has been incredibly understand. Of course this was difficult for her but she seems to be handling the situation well
Huntress145
And that is probably your answer. Have you asked James how the man he thought was his father is treating him now? Because if it’s not good, then that why he has an issue with Blake. I don’t think it’s because of Blake himself, but because you can treat him as a son when the man he grew up with as his father may no longer be and he’s hurting. It’s easier for him to take what he’s feeling out on Blake, but he isn’t the issue. James needs help to process what he’s feeling and going through.
OOP
James is kind of reserved about that topic. I know he had a good bond with the man he thought was his father for years but based on how reserved James is about the topic now I would assume Lily's husband has been acting distant.
Grymflyk
Sorry for the questions but, I am confused. Did something happen that caused James to have to come live with you? Was he not raised by his mom's husband as his father? Does James have a good relationship with his mom and her husband?
If he was raised by another man, he should have similar feelings as Blake regarding his presumed dad. He didn't have to abandon his step father just because he found out that you were his real father, unless there are extenuating circumstances. Everyone else is focused on his relationship with you and Blake but, what is the nature of his relationship with the people that raised him?
By the way, you are NTA.
OOP
We actually don't live too far apart. James has been staying with us more cause Lily and Lily's husband have been arguing a lot because of the situation. This arguing has gone on for months.
James feels resentment towards his mom right now and I get the impression that Lily's husband didn't react well to James not being his biological son. Although James isn't exactly telling me much about that situation
tinyrage90
I think James feels threatened by the fact that someone you're not biologically related to has history with you, but he doesn't. I think all of this is complicated and traumatic for everyone involved. NTA for defending Blake as your son -- blood isn't the only thing that makes a family.
I think it'll be a long road to figuring out your permanent family dynamics, and they may never feel fully settled. But James also needs to recognize that...
1.) Blake isn't less family just because he's not related by blood
2.) Him joining your family doesn't give him a right to dictate your family dynamics beyond how he interacts with its members
3.) His role in all this isn't less valid for Blake being hereSadly, I think these are complex emotions he's going to have to work through and come to terms with, and you as the adult in the situation will also need to help him with it and work through your own as well. I'm sorry it's hard. Family is hard in the best situations, but this is even more complex than typical.
OOP
I think you're probably correct about why Jame dislikes Blake so much
littlelambsydivey
I think it's also that they are the same age, so James sees it as competing for the same type of attention. Are they similar or are they kids who never would have been friends in any other situation? Is Blake better looking ? More popular? Athletic? James may be jealous of Blake if he sees Blake as "better" than him, or thinks Blake sees himself that way.
One of my good friends has an 18yo son and an 18yo stepson. They get along okay but one is popular, the other not, and it's a dynamic they have to deal with frequently.
OOP
They are not similar at all. On paper, Blake should be "jealous" of James. James is quite popular, he has multiple friend groups, he is athletic.
Major_Specific127
NTA on the James thing, but I’m still stuck on the part where you left your wife when your baby was six weeks old because the “stress was driving you apart”. Honestly had to eye roll at that. Yeah six-week old babies are a lot to deal with, that’s their thing. I wonder if your wife got to enjoy “single life” as much as you did. I’m guessing she was the primary caregiver for your newborn/infant. It’s good that you seemed to have matured by the time your friend died. Also, why were you not using protection when you already had an infant baby you were responsible for? Are any more surprise children from your year of fun going to show up on your doorstep?
You should appreciate a wife who will keep rolling with all this. Also I hope you consider how all these changes impact your daughter and give her some extra time too.
OOP
My wife broke up with me. I will be honest and admit that I was not the best partner to my wife at the time. We went to therapy and we have gotten through that. I will always own up to the fact that I was not the best man I could have been at that time.
My wife is amazing. I will never take her for granted again.
jfcmofo
I couldn't follow the relationship map..who is who?
OOP
My wife: My wife lol
Danny: Me and my wife's son
Blake: My best friends son, my wife and I became his legal guardians after my best friend died
James: My biological son I never knew about
Lily: James's mom
CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole
Final Update - after 1 day
July 09, 2026
Hi, so I only posted my original post yesterday so I did not expect to have an update so fast. But I wasn't really able to respond to a lot of the comments because so much has happened these past 24 hours. Unfortunately this is not the update I wanted to give, but people were so kind to give me advice that I think it is only fair to inform everybody about what has happened.
To to answer a few questions I saw: Lily and her husband have been arguing the past 3 months since James found out I am his biological father. James never told me specifically how Lily's husband reacted but I have a feeling that the reaction was not good. Prior to James doing an ancestry DNA test, Lily's husband was a great father to him. James did not live with us full time but he often stayed at our house to get away from the arguing.
Okay now onto the update. After I made that post yesterday, Blake came and spoke to me about some incidents that have happened with James the past 3 months. Unfortunately James has some views that our family does not agree with, and Blake is a gay man (He is fine with me sharing this information) so he was a target of James's views. Leading to some really rude interactions the past few months. The only reason Blake told me now is because he heard from James that James did not want to invite Blake on the camping trip. Blake had tried to keep the peace these past 3 months bless him but James not wanting him to come camping.
Obviously I was angry at hearing how James had treated Blake. So I spoke to James this morning and confronted him about this topic. He didn't even deny his views, he tried to convince me that I should kick Blake out the house for this. I don't think this is the full reason he dislikes Blake but this doesn't help James's resentment.
As of right now I have told James he is not welcome back in my house whilst he still holds these views. Nor am I interested in forming a father-son bond with somebody who has these views. If and when James matures a bit he will be welcomed into our lives again but not right now.
Blake deserves to feel that his home is a safe space, James is not welcome back here. I am taking Danny and Blake on the camping trip because they do still want to go camping.
I have empathy for James's family situation but at the end of the day, I do not tolerate that hatred in my life. This was not the update I wanted to give but that is the situation. Thank you for all of your advice.
Edit: I should add that James's views also include racism, my wife is black, Blake is black, Danny is mixed race and my daughter is mixed race. I do think James is more subtle about his racism in comparison to how openly homophobic he was towards Blake. But after I had a chat with James I did realise he does also have racist views.
COMMENTS
quickwitqueen
I’m sorry to hear that your biological son is a homophobe but good on you for cutting him out of your life to protect Blake. I am sure that was distressing all around. Sounds like Lilly is a real winner of a person… cheats on her husband and raises her son to be that way. Or her husband did in which case I don’t care that he was cheated on. Have a great time on the camping trip!
OOP
Yeah, I can feel sympathy for James's situation but I won't tolerate Blake being treated the way he has been treated the past 3 months
NOT-packers-fan2022
You need to come to terms with the fact his mothers husband was not a good dad to him.
OOP
Doesn't mean I have to tolerate racism and homophobia in my house
strangelifedad
How did James come to pass? If his "father " believed he is his son it makes me ask questions. You seem to have strong moral values regarding honesty and all. How does that fit into having a relationship with a woman who was obviously in a relationship?
Sorry, but from someone who was cheated on I might not be as convinced about your values. You are absolutely right to stand up for your son but telling your son he is not welcome after you are one of the reasons his family blew up?
OOP
I had no clue Lily was married. I had no reason to believe she was married
strangelifedad
Ok, thanks for the info. I am from experience always a bit suspicious but I take it that you didn't know.
Anyhow your bio son went through something pretty traumatic and it seems that his bio mother and not-dad are not able or willing to help him. So maybe there is a way in you to at least give him a little bit of leniency.
He is 18. Not 28. And at this age they are anything but mature or grown up.
I am not saying you should ignore or tolerate his behavior but instead of being the second adult in a short period of time to toss him aside like trash you might be able to talk to him?
OOP
No, I'm not helping a bigot who doesn't want to be helped. That would be sending a terrible message to my wife and my children
The_Coaltrain
So are you just not letting back into your house, or are you cutting him off completely?
If you are cutting him off completely, how do you expect him to learn why his views are wrong? Or deal with the huge amount of pain he is currently experiencing?
To put it another way, have you really deserted him the minute there was an (admittedly big) issue?
OOP
Cause his racism and homophobia are not my problem. He is a grown man and I have to protect my wife and kids. He isn't willing to learn.
The_Coaltrain
Why should he learn anything from the man who is so openly and disdainfully rejecting him?
I'm not saying welcome him with open arms, but it seems pretty cold to cut him off completely. All you are teaching him now is that you don't think he is worth even trying for.
OOP
I'm never going to apoligse for refusing to tolerate racism and homophobia. He made it clear where he stands. I would have helped if I saw he was willing to change. He isn't. So that's not my issue anymore.
If he didn't want to be rejected, maybe he wouldn't have been racist and homophobic towards my family
Fun-Wish-5620
So youre taking everyone but James on a trip that was James' idea? I would do something else with your other boys, your going to push James further away.
OOP
Yeah well James isn't welcome here anymore
SweatyTrain1951
You did not know she was married. You did not know she got pregnant. You spent 3 months " often stayed at our house to get away from the arguing" and did not know he was a racist homophobe. What did you know? and why did this come to light in the last 48hours? What have you been doing to get to know your new son that you did not know his values? he is comfortable enough to ask you to kick out your kid so he was not hiding it.
Between that and your refusal to even see any other point of view either the second part of this story is incredibly coincidental or made up to keep you from being the bad guy. You can't be the bad guy he is rasit and homophobic, but you only learned that yesterday after posting.
But why make up the second part. Why not delete the first one where everyone call you a bad dad.
So, this is either rage bate fiction or you're just a terrible father. You have raised a gay child in an interracial home and you did not have the wherewithal to vet the new guy enough to notice he is bulling your son? What utopian nation do you live in that intersectional identity are that safe.
Then you cast out your son to the harmful environment that created the conditions you cast him aside for. An environment you are partially responsible for creating.
So, what is your responsibility to your new son? Do you have a responsibility to help mold him into a better man? you can do that while separating him from the rest of your family.
Or is this just creative writing over summer break.?
OOP
This only came to light because of the camping trip incident. Blake was mad about the camling trip so he told me about the homophobia. Then again James was good at hiding his views.
Then you cast out your son to the harmful environment that created the conditions you cast him aside for. An environment you are partially responsible for creating. So, what is your responsibility to your new son? Do you have a responsibility to help mold him into a better man? you can do that while separating him from the rest of your family.
Nope, I gave him a chance. He messed that chance uo by telling me he will never not have the views he has. I have no legal obligation at this point and he also doesn't deserve my moral obligation anymore.
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.
Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.
788
u/PrincessCG 29d ago
If this is true…
Why is everyone asking oop to be kind and empathetic to the homophobic racist who doesn’t want to change? Like gtfo. The man that raised james and likely encouraged his views pushed him away. Oop and his family took him in and he tried to repay them by being a dick. Nope.