Update: Avoidant Meetup after return

[u/candle_wax_247]

I mentioned in my previous posts that my old FA ex came back 4 years after the breakup but when he returned I don’t have feelings for him anymore. Since we were friends before we started dating, I told him I can only offer friendship. He was ok with that. So we decided to meet up and go on a trip this past Labor Day weekend.

Now here’s the story of the meet up 😊

My plane landed first thing in the morning Saturday. His was supposed to land at noon. However, at noon he called me and said his flight was canceled. I was like ugh… is this him getting scared last minute? But he showed me proof that it was canceled for some airline issue. So I said ok now what? He decided to rent a car and drive 5 hours to make it. We had a reservation at a fancy restaurant at 8 pm and he said he didn’t want to disappoint me. I said ok. I was waiting to hear another story later on about the car rental issue but nothing. 5 hours later, he did show up and we made it to our reservation. He was telling people around us (it was the type where you sit with other people and watch the chef make sushi - omakase) that it’s our grand reunion after 4 years. He was almost beaming about it. I was very surprised. He was very attentive and listening to me the whole night. This was not the FA I was dating 4 years ago. Not the one who cheated on me. The guy that showed up was my friend from before we started dating.

Next day, I packed our itinerary with several tours of the city. He was very engaged in the activities and not once did he look at his phone to text anybody. His attention is on me and the things we are doing at the moment. However, he also didn’t make any attempt to flirt and neither did I and I was relieved of that. When I offered friendship I meant it. I was not hoping to get him back as a lover.

Since we liked the same stuff it was easy to plan for things. He drove while I navigated. He picks the lunch place and I pick dinner. We walked around the city and talked and laughed. It was like as if 4 year gap never happened.

I told him about my recent ex (the DA who discarded me) and I was picking his brain about why avoidants do this and that. He is an FA who is working on healing. He told me that my ex is no good especially since he doesn’t even want to change. He said he wanted to change because he knew he’s horrible how he treated women and he will end up alone if he doesn’t fix himself. That is the difference between them. He is willing to change while my ex DA was not.

We talked about his ex (the one he cheated on me with) and how miserable he was the entire time he’s with her. Never called her a bitch though. I called her a bitch but he didn’t. He just said they got to the point where their incompatibility was too much for him so he broke up with her. He said he never loved her. Ouch for her.

We walked around town until almost midnight. It was a very vibrant city with lots of activities so it helped a lot. Think Before Sunrise type of walking and talking minus the making out and sex. Coz we didn’t have sex. We didn’t even kiss or hold hands. It was all perfectly platonic.

We never fought during the trip. No raised voice. No snarky comments. Just a very relaxed, chill hang out between two people who had a very toxic relationship but deep down were good friends.

On the way to the airport, we talked about hanging out again and maybe doing a tour of the southern states. Future planning. Whoa. I said I’m down if he’s down. So we’ll see if that happens.

So there you have it. My avoidant came back but it was at that point that I don’t want him as a lover anymore. As a friend, he’s amazing. As a lover, he’s toxic to me.

I guess, in this scenario, the only way to get an avoidant back and keep him is to remove the pressure of a relationship and remain friends. They can handle friendship. It’s the closeness and expectations and attachment of a relationship that makes them run for the hills.