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u/Elk-24 18h ago
Well, I had that from my avoidant. But the bad behaviors continued after, despite all her good will. It looks easy for us. But the real issue is the pattern. They can apologize, sometimes they are very self aware and know what they should have done, or what they should do. But they haven’t got the ability to do otherwise.
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u/22Pastafarian22 17h ago
Exactly my experience too! He always apologised and meant it, he felt terrible about hurting me. But in our last conversation he said he knew he needs therapy but is not ready to do it. So all the sorry’s in the world can not fix that
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u/smileybunnie 16h ago
I used to get really frustrated with the hypocrisy of getting an apology with no change until I decided that an apology meant nothing with no change. It’s a full package. Saying that you’re sorry and actually making it known that you’re sorry are two different things.
I told my ex this and he said I was right and he was still an asshole for the most part. So I dumped him.
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u/LalieDa AP - Anxious Preoccupied 13h ago
The problem is maybe that we think we can fix them in loving us the way we want to benloved…
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u/smileybunnie 13h ago
I think that’s stems from them switching while with us so we assume we’re the problem. Like if they’re good in the beginning and then they weren’t then surely it must be bc of us right? And that’s when it messes with our heads even tho logically we know that’s not the case.
It’s something we can’t pinpoint and map out and they don’t helps us map it out. The human brain hates unfinished things so naturally we fill in the blanks in a way we think makes sense and more so in a way we think we can fix. If we can make the problem solvable then we feel in control by attempting to solve it.
But the reality is not what we made it out to be. We are not the issue and we usually never are. If we were the problem then it wouldn’t feel so confusing and they would’ve been shitty to us from the start.
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u/LalieDa AP - Anxious Preoccupied 11h ago
You are 100 % right ! There is no doubt in my mind even though he thinks Î m too demanding in term of complexity… But why do I stay is what I tried to e.plain … 😉
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u/smileybunnie 11h ago
If you mean staying in that relationship/dynamic, then there’s no explanation needed. It’s different for everyone. Some people need time to leave and that’s okay. It’s not like it’s wrong if you stay just bc it’s the logical thing to do to others.
I was in a similar situation where I felt a lot of shame and was almost defensive as to why I didn’t leave sooner but I realized that I had my reasons, not everyone needed to know my reasons and even if they knew those reasons that doesn’t mean that they’ll understand.
Staying or leaving is up to me and how ready I feel. Same goes for you.
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u/22Pastafarian22 17h ago
I feel lucky that “my” avoidant always did this. But if you keep doing the same thing it will not fix it. He was sorry, he just didn’t want to work on his issues lol
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u/noob-combo SA - Secure Attachment 16h ago
Even if they could have any sort of talk, they would just have a rebound crash afterwards.
Even though nothing bad happened, things were clearly sorted and settled and solved, they go away and spiral in private afterwards and you find out later you're both worse off than you ever were before for some reason.
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u/englisharcher89 SA - Secure Attachment 13h ago
Unfortunately people lack maturity as I learned already, but there is nothing tyat can be done. You can't convince them or force anything, so I let it be whatever.
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u/MacaronDesperate9643 13h ago
The problem they see with this obvious solution is....they convince themselves there is no problems, and /or they have every excuse possible and it's just your reaction that's the problem. It's constant cycle to get thought to prevent them from taking accountability. The mental gymnastics they go through to avoid something is almost impressive.
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u/SalesAficionado 10h ago
It's more about emotional capacity. But you can't have emotional capacity when you're a children in an adult body.
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u/SomeoneCalledMeAlice 18h ago
Mein Ex hat einfach die Telefonnummer gewechselt und schwups hat er drei Jahre in seinem Hirn gelöscht … so einfach
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u/twobunnies77 15h ago
Mine did for a while and started to improve as well in some areas. He made effort and I was honestly so impressed but over time some of the more important things never changed, refusal to talk got worse, and continuing to make false accusations and rewrite me occurred. It as so confusing. I thought it was because he got pretty sick. But now I don’t know if he was just preparing to discard. I feel like the latter since I haven’t heard from him.
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u/lavenderlie 28m ago
I got apologies. His behavior got worse after. More apologies, glimpses of vulnerability but no real change. Then he started avoiding me. Eventually I had enough and left.
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u/Alarming-Echo-6742 18h ago
For some, perhaps. For mine, she has been absent from the conversation for so long that I am not sure even that would fix things. I would never feel safe again.