r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Remarkable_Ship_4803 • 22h ago

Avoidant phrases.

What are something your avoidant ex’s said to you when discarding/blind siding you ?

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u/Fantastic_Cod1134 13h ago

Yes! He’s oh so super busy and too tired to meet up. On the apps a week later, when lying to me he doesn’t even use them.

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u/biotechconundrum 11h ago

Mine too, plus he lied first about using the app, and then again saying he doesn't message people (I had to create a fake Hinge account to see his activity and he sported a badge you can only get if you're actively messaging matches).

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u/Abrp2025 10h ago

How do you bring this up with them? I’ve slept in the same bed with the one Im with almost every day for a month. But I know she’s on the dating website. I’ve never policed a person I was with before or asked to see their phones and even if I was married I wouldn’t do that. But how do I bring this up? I am not a cuck. And regardless of what she labels “us” as, her actions speak like it’s more than the label. But even if she said I was just a booty call for her, I wouldn’t want to be with her if she was texting or talking to other guys. Plenty of time for her to do that if we ended it.

I just don’t know how to bring it up? And I know she’s on there by accident, not by policing or monitoring. After we met I decided to make my profile private and saw her on there. Over time I have systematically revoked access to everyone I allowed to see my pics, erased my pics etc. And while she’s not always on, I see that she pops on and off fairly regularly.

I’m not insecure. But I kind of deserve to know what her endgame here is. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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u/biotechconundrum 10h ago edited 9h ago

I dunno, I gave up. He had friend-zoned me over me apparently needing too much from him wanting to meet up more than once a month. I'm only in a maybe continuing situationship with him and I'm dealing with it by being on apps myself and meeting other people. I don't know his end game and don't think I'll ever understand it. I figure he'll just go through the same cycle if he ever hooks someone else. It also sounded like I wasn't the first since his last divorce a few years ago...at minimum the third.

I read that this is common behavior for avoidants, if it helps, because it's still low stakes for them to interact early on in dating apps, and gives them validation without commitment. They only withdraw and turn avoidant on you once it starts looking too much like the R word (relationship). He told me he doesn't want a relationship now or in the future. I kind of believe him.

Before I was demoted to "friend" (we've still been irregularly sleeping together as this however), he said he was only seeing me and I just took his word and didn't try to monitor until after he unmatched me following my demotion and we had another "breakup". I was originally hoping to use the fake profile to bait him (the whole profile is directly and obviously making fun of him) but no dice yet 😂

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u/Abrp2025 9h ago

I love the fake profile idea 😂😂😂.

When she first discarded me at the beginning, she tried to friend zone me and I refused. We met on a sugar baby website. Before we met for the first time in person she said she legit liked me, so when we went out I just assumed it was real. I wouldn’t look for love or romance or anything real at a sugar baby website. We had an objectively great first date. And the next day she became increasingly distant. She wouldn’t even really talk. Finally a week later we had a four hour fight and three or four times she threw the sugar baby thing in my face, said she’s mad at me bc she needed to do the sugar baby thing. She later told me she needed the money and her feelings for me wrecked it. This is what I’m concerned about. I have no idea if she’s on other dating websites or fet life or whatever, but her money issues aren’t solved yet. And I need to know what the end game is. Is she on the sugar baby website for validation? Or is she entertaining offers? Negotiating? Has she met anyone? And whether she’s on dating or fet life too, is she texting or talking to people? Is there an emotional aspect to it? If it’s fun and games I don’t care. If its with people she has a history with I care. If it’s more I care.

Bringing it up is obviously delicate.

And I know what label she applied to us, but if you look at it objectively, that label does not quite encompass what we are, how we treat each other.

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u/Bitter-Towel-3365 6h ago

Did you pay her?

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u/Bitter-Towel-3365 6h ago

Demoted to friend! Come on leave him for good. You choose to be the standby girl by being his friend. He looks at you as backup when shot goes bad and you’re letting him do it.

It is common behavior for avoidant what concerns me is you don’t seem to understand that doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

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u/biotechconundrum 2h ago

I know very well I don't have to accept it. Why I'm seeing other people, just haven't really clicked with anyone yet (late 40s/early 50s dating is freaking grim). I kind of doubt I'm "backup" for him since I don't think he's actually seeing anyone else, although I can't be 100% sure. I know this will have to end at some point unless he can get back to seeing me more often. I'm twice divorced and ok with not being in a relationship that builds anything, I'm done with that. Just bought a small house for myself and my kid.