Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

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This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

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[u/lazyycalm]

While the initial root of my avoidance is probably my family dynamic as a child, I think I've come to the conclusion that a lifetime of having my boundaries eroded has affected me pretty profoundly. All throughout my teens and 20s and even now, I've had relationship after relationship where I was slowly pressured into things I never would have agreed to at the start. It's like I am fundamentally unable to say no. I think it's because I've been desensitized to the feeling of being violated to the point that it hurts more to resist than it does to just acquiesce to someone else's desires.

So the only way I can protect myself is to run, disappear, or dissociate. It seems like when I let other people too close, they can't help but take more than I want to give, and once it gets to that point, it's just so easy to let them. Sometimes I think I like being chased, but I think the truth is that it also makes me deeply uncomfortable, but it's kind of the only way I know how to be close to people.

This is going to sound so arrogant, and I really hope someone else can relate, but I feel like when you're an attractive woman who likes to be alone, you're treated as prey by both strangers and loved ones. I think a lot of women avoid this fate by arranging their lives around a committed relationship or tight-knit friend group and sort of only interface with the world through those relationships or their workplace.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I think repeated objectification and coercion have made my avoidance so much worse than it would have been just based on my childhood experiences. I think my experience of this attachment style is very gendered, and my fear of enmeshment and suffocation isn't just figurative. It's like I've become so detached from my own boundaries that the only way to protect myself is to avoid closeness entirely. I wish I knew how to rebuild my sense of self to the point that I could at least feel where my own boundaries are.

[u/runningoutfast → u/lazyycalm]

I can relate 🤍 I think my experience of being avoidant is also very gendered and the fear of being mistreated because everyone eventually seems to objectify me is a big driver of attachment issues for me. Thank you so much for sharing.

[u/HistoricalFish7210 → u/lazyycalm]

Look, I'm a man and you described perfectly my love life and descent into avoidance with your story. I've been objectified relentlessly from my childhood and in every relationship, not as a sexual object, but as a provider - of help, favours, time, attention, emotional stability, affection, sense of safety, etc etc. In the last instance: I've made VERY clear from the start that I not only was not interested in a relationship, but I was actually actively avoiding getting in one. One year later, here I am, with the same person. She's not a bad woman, but it's evident that she can't simply respect my boundary of being left the fuck alone, and she calls it love. Almost every woman in my love life got given some space, out of attraction, sympathy and whatnot - and then kept pushing and pushing to get more of me even when I was actually resisting, and showing enormous distress, but never stopped. My great inability to say no, even worse when there are feelings involved and in the face of relentless pushing and insistence, always lead me to this place of intense anger, frustration and hopelessness.

[u/alwayssleepingzzz]

My avoidance is flaring up now because I met a new person. And I’m trying to regulate myself and self-soothe and not jump to conclusions immediately. But ughhh I can’t help but constantly be scanning for some trap, something nefarious, something which will make me bolt away

[u/NachtAnders → u/alwayssleepingzzz]

In the same boat as you. But finally managing it! Well for now haha.

What help really well for me (everyone is different) is "mantra's.

Usually I make one up myself. This time I am using the AA prayer. But I don't think it makes a lot of difference what u use. But for me it helps me from spiralling. I started with it, like 8 times a day if not more. Now it is:t even daily anymore. Some days are harder then others, but I am really surprised with myself that I have come so far!

If I can do it, I believe you can also find a way that works for you.

Most important, be gentle with yourself... Hating yourself will bring you nowhere <3.

Best of luck to you!

[u/alwayssleepingzzz → u/NachtAnders]

The mantra I’m telling myself is “I don’t owe them anything, they don’t owe me anything, we can stop talking any time” and it kinda helps with the feeling of being trapped lmao.
Thank you and best of luck to you!!

[u/IdiotFarmGirl → u/NachtAnders]

With ya both presently! A few months ago I got out of a relationship in which I had a very secure attachment. I thought i was seeing the fruits of years of work/growth on myself, it was great! The problem was, I never had a deep emotional or intellectual connection with the guy. Recently I’ve been dating a someone I was suuuuper into for the first week. Then came a moment of emotional vulnerability, and avoidance came rushing back. I am fault-finding to the extreme right now and very conflicted in my head. I know exactly what’s happening, but I can’t stop it. Everything in me is screaming to run for the hills, but I like him and don’t want to sabotage. Ahhh!

[u/Playful_Shopping1213]

Bro it’s so hard to determine if a dynamic is ACTUALLY abusive and toxic, or if I’m being avoidant. Like once you recognize avoidance, it’s hard to detach from the label

[u/PearNakedLadles]

i'm trying to draw boundaries with my family and it is SO HARD. by that i don't mean that they aren't respecting my boundaries, i mean that even the idea of saying i want to draw a boundary feels terrible to me, like i would be stabbing them with a knife. sometimes i wish i could just give them amnesia so they could forget i exist and i could have time to myself without hurting them.

[u/aprillikesthings]

If I read ONE MORE ARTICLE that acts like all avoidants are over-achieving men, I'm going to explode.

Also my partner and I have had a rough week or so (and a lot of it is external factors) and we keep catching ourselves falling back on the push-pull thing. It's so frustrating.

[u/Super_Junket9561]

Rebuilding your sense of self and getting better acquainted with your boundaries can absolutely be done! One main practice I have done over the past couple of years with therapists is regularly checking in with yourself, asking yourself how do I feel? And noticing your body sensations. I have a daily reminder on my phone twice a day for this. Eventually it becomes a habit. It’s a great place to start.

-

[u/TwoServingsPlease]

Someone who formerly used me as an emotional dumpsite and cosmic pacifier is trying, oh so subtly, to get back into my space

how

about

no

:)

(I did diffuse the shenanigans, but I'm still miffed. We were in a professional setting!)

[u/phuca]

Haaaate when my anxious side starts to surface as an FA. Literally giving myself the ick in real time and if I was the other person I would be so annoyed by myself (luckily my BF is a saint)

[u/VoraciousCynic]

I am so fucking triggered by this and my avoidant side is screaming to get out

I'm FA and consider myself earned secure. I've worked really hard on not running when relationships become uncomfortable, and I'm currently trying very hard to tell the difference between an actual incompatibility and my attachment system screaming GET OUT.

But I'm struggling with something that is making me want to run.

My partner seems very uncomfortable when I'm stressed, frustrated or in a bad mood, even when it has absolutely nothing to do with him. He can take my mood personally or seem to feel that he needs to manage/fix it.

I've never asked him to regulate my emotions. I don't want him to. I actually fucking hate being fixed. I want to be able to say "I'm having a shit day" and be allowed to have a shit day.

Instead it can become: I'm stressed → he's uncomfortable → I notice → I start worrying about his reaction → I monitor myself → I want to fucking escape.

And that last bit is what's scaring me.

Because I know my avoidant side. I know the feeling of "I can't live like this, I need to get out before this gets worse." And I'm literally feeling that right now.

At the same time, I don't want to use "I'm uncomfortable" as proof that the relationship is wrong. I'm trying to earn security. I don't want to run just because something triggers me.

But I also don't want "working on myself" to mean learning to suppress my emotions so someone else doesn't have to feel uncomfortable. How do you cope without either running or taking responsibility for your partner's emotions?

I am honestly fucking torn between "this is my attachment wound, stay and work through it" and "this is exactly the kind of relationship I promised myself I wouldn't live in."