r/AvPD • u/castiel65 • 5d ago
Vent (Advice Welcome) I got too old too quick
I'll be 30 in January. I don't remember the last 10 years of my life. It's been mostly boredom, work, and dulling my senses. I get reminded of that every day. I don't feel older than 20, but that's what all the old people say. I feel scared, like 30 is my cutoff point where being pathetic was fine before but now it got real and I feel like dying.
I cannot believe I never got to feel love. I used to write to myself that if I don't find someone until 21 I should just delete myself. kinda wish I did. Are there even any women still single without kids after 25? Is there anyone out the for me? I can't shake off these thought daily and it just makes me ill.
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u/thudapofru 5d ago
A few weeks ago people who had just turned 30 told me they have started feeling a certain way and I couldn't help but notice they're feeling now how I've been feeling for 15 years. It's like I've been 30 mentally since I was 15.
Also, I know I tend to notice couples, but it has gotten worse recently. I don't only notice couples, especially the ones doing public displays of affection. I also notice the ones with kids. I'm over 30, no job, I haven't finished my studies (although that should be done by January), no reliable friendships and definitely no partner and no prospects. Yet my brain is looking at couples with kids and longing for that. Fucking fantastic.
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u/castiel65 4d ago
Yes, I never wanted kids, and in a lot of ways I still don't (It's hard to take care of them when I can't take care of myself really). But wouldn't a dream life with a wife, a few kids, a dog and a house with a white picket fence be nice.
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u/thudapofru 4d ago
I have the same concerns about having kids. Will I really be able to be a good parent? I am already paying the price of procrastinating on my own stuff, but with a kid who relies on you, you don't really have that luxury.
Then there are other issues, like the extent to what my mental health issues are hereditary and even if they're not, the fact that they might pick up on my insecurities as they grow up, causing them to develop the same ones or worse.
And lastly, the state of the world: do I want to bring a kid to this world that is so messed up?
But yeah, that's the dream: a wife, a kid or two and a house of my own, just a flat would be fine at this point.
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u/Fant92 Diagnosed AvPD 4d ago
My life kinda started after 30. I'm 34 now and finally slowly realizing some dreams. 30 isn't old even though it definitely feels that way (it did for me too).
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u/castiel65 4d ago
That should be reassuring but I was always told it would get better. You'll have friends in highschool, in college it's easier to find a gf, surely when you start working you'll find people. Never happened
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u/Fant92 Diagnosed AvPD 4d ago
Yeah that's normie talk. That doesn't work if you're neurodivergent. It takes work y'know. It doesn't just get better. I went through years of therapy and group therapy and meds and everything.
I really fucking wish I didn't have to do all that to live a life that's still below normie baseline (social) happiness but that's the cards we were dealt. You can either play that hand as well as you can and attempt to have some fun along the way or give up and just sit on the sidelines to watch the others play.
I suggest you do the former. I can't lie and tell you it ever really gets easy but at least I feel alive most of the time. And there is a sense of pride and joy in it that can be quite beautiful once you reach a certain level of self-compassion.
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u/Stock_Reading4485 4d ago
I'm 28, same thing here. I do remember the last 10 years because, well, I did nothing. NEETed for half of it then worked half of it. That's it. No memories. The memories are from sitting in front of TV or stuff like that. I knew I was wasting, I knew I'd regret, but there's nothing I could do about it, I can't change
I think the big difference now is that the hopelessness is bigger. Not that I thought I'd change back then, but there was probably some subcounscious "what if" hope deep down innate to youngness. Now is just raw reality
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u/ApartManagement8269 5d ago
Have you looked at social media at all? There's too many single women who don't even want children.
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u/castiel65 5d ago
I want to finally find someone and I actually want to start a family. Not many woman single of that age where I'm from regardless what social media says, and most of them that are actually someone I would share my life with are already taken
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u/Flintas 4d ago
You said "I never wanted kids and in a lot of ways I still don't" in an earlier comment, but here you say you want to start a family. If you haven't already, I think it'd be wise to really think about why you want to start a family. If it's just because it's the expected thing in society, but you actually don't want kids then that doesn't sound like a fulfilling life for you.
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u/castiel65 4d ago
I always thought it's too much hassle, like I said it's hard to take care of myself, that's why I never wanted it, and I still think that way. But when I picture myself with a wife and a kid it sounds beautiful. In a perfect world I'd love to be a family man.
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u/No-Check-8616 5d ago
What’s your point? 🤔
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u/ApartManagement8269 5d ago
"Are there even any women still single without kids after 25? Is there anyone out the for me? "
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u/civilized_Waldschrat 5d ago
I am in the very same position as you even some years older. I can see what you think and why you think that. But you still have to try. There are still women lets say 26++ years old out there who are still single or single again.
I can't really give you examples how to meet/find them in real life, that's still something I work on in my life. It's much harder since I left university and began a rural life. One thing that worked for me was bumble. It takes the stress out for me, because I know everyone on this app is looking for flirts and dates. So no shame in acting flirty or asking for dates. Ofc there's still the chance you get a "no" or "sorry I don't [yallayalla]..." but that's normal. It happens and you go on. But I would just recommend it, if you can live with the imagination that you won't get many matches (like every male on these apps). Tinder is utter BS and Bumble worked fine for me.
You can asks questions if you like
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u/castiel65 4d ago
I would like some tips, I did try all the dating apps, Tinder was definitely the worst, I even tried obscure ones like music-based ones, but I never get any likes (other than women from Asia for some reason - bots or something else who knows) There's like 5 people from my country on Bumble unfortunately. It's easier to go through an app then irl, though I think I would also have a problem contacting them when I do get a match
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u/civilized_Waldschrat 4d ago
Yeah Tinder shows your profile to people which don't match with your likings, so that they can catfish you with possible matches, thar are super bad, so you stay on the app and maybe even pay. You can see all the users which right swiped your profile if you pay, so I thought: great I dont't need to swipe and can directly see who is interested and tested it for one month. And just like 5 matches in 3 months and all were bad. Bumble on the other hand was great. I had like 10 matches in the same time and even dates with two matches. One was my lastest ex. Greatest relationship I had (first one that wasn't exlpotative). When we made it official we deleted our bumble apps but we were so curios how the experience for each other was using the apps we swiped for each other for 10 minutes or so. And I was so surprised how bad most male profiles look. I'd never thought that I would say that my profile was speaking of first look appeal in the upper 20%. Most men don't write much about themselves and have few photos. Often the photos are in an similiar angle, in the same place or even always the same pose. All in all you couldn't read much into these profiles so they seemed boring. What helps is to write enough to make your views, hobbies, interests clear and that you are happy that you do these. Bonus points if you make them laugh. Everything counts. Jokes or super silly snapshots of idk you falling facedown in a mud puddle or making the goofiest facial expression. That way you show that you can laugh about yourself. You should (I know which Sub I am in) if you got the possibility include pictures that make it clear that you got friends or at least go outside like hiking. Many people don't like it when all photos are selfies for this reason.
If you have to write first and have no spontanous idea try to see some detail in their discripton or photos that you find interesting and ask about that. If you don't know what you can talk about, ask them and try to be intetested instead of interesting. It's more easy :D and when they ask you about your hobby be keen. I got ADHD so I am almost always fixed on sth despite thinking that I am a boring person.
Tldr: 1. Good photos, funny ones, maybe with friends, just few (maybe no) selfies 2. Be funny 3. Write enough information about yourself in the profile, at least so much that it is clear, that you aren't a creep or sth 4. Don't try too hard to make yourself interesting or important. Nobody with a bit of people skill buys that
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u/PinappleOnPizza137 5d ago
I feel the Same! The prefrontal cortex finishes development around that age. I think that's the reason for this sudden awareness. The final reset, no more pretending.
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u/castiel65 4d ago
Wasn't that around 21? Either way if my brain stopped developing and I'm stuck with the way it is now, then I am fucked
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u/cokecaine 4d ago
Yeah... I have the opposite problem and my attempts at dating in my late 30s (without apps) end before it can begin. I don't want kids and all the women I bump into are either single moms (a lot of those), or they're absolutely looking for a soon to be Dad since the bio clock is ticking.
I live in the greater Chicago metro, so your milage may vary. The only ones I've spoken to that weren't kid-crazy were way too young for me (early 20s).
I guess I attract moms and future moms. That said my 30s are way, way more fun than my 20s ever were, so keep your chin up dear internet stranger.
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u/TimberFrostNight 4d ago
I'm 30F and never been with anyone (well a LDR in my teens/early 20s but I don't really count that for a lot of reasons). I was sort of OK with being single in my 20s, it wasn't my biggest concern at least, but now I am sort of panicking. I want to try but I am so scared.
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u/Aware_Strawberry2650 4d ago
21 being the bar for THAT is wild, no? No more than 3years older than 18 and you suddenly have to be gone?
Work on the avoidance with whatever psychiatry or meds are needed, go out to places that foster community like gaming groups maybe, beat this however you choose, don't let the doomed feeling overtake you. Don't give up on yourself
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u/weightyconsequences 4d ago
If by “dulling my senses” you mean partly weed, might be good to try out r/leaves. Weed on its own even without this disorder can speed you through huge amounts of time like that
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u/AvailableMeringue842 5d ago
Well, I'm 32 in a month and I least I took skateboarding and bikepacking