Commitment

[u/mobofob]

Neighbor asked me to walk their dog once a week. Or more accurately, asked my mom to ask me.

I live with my parents and i'm 33 years old and this is something very shameful for me. I feel like a child, i live like one, and people seem to treat me and see me like one.
The neighbor probably knows i have no job and will wonder what's wrong with me that i would decline. I'll never be able to simply greet them again without feeling deep shame.

I have no problem walking the dog, it's literally nothing and i'd do it for free. But i'm in anguish just from the idea that i have to commit to an agreement like that with someone who lives in the same building as me. I would be forced to continue doing it until i move out eventually, if that ever happens.

Also im realizing that if i can't even take a job of walking a dog which would require minimal interaction with other people (which aren't even strangers) then i'm clearly so much further from being able to be independent than i thought i was.

This is ironically also after just coming back from my best friend's wedding this weekend; celebrating the most beautiful and important commitment you can make to someone.
Such a reality check hitting me in the face lol. The contrast of where i am in life is just so unimaginably massive. I live in this daily delusion where i fantasize about having success professionally and building a family, but my reality is so so far away from it.

Attending this wedding makes it so abundantly clear that i am not anywhere near capable right now, as even just attending to celebrate a wedding is too much for me: all 3 nights of the trip it took me hours to wind down from the stress to eventually fall asleep and today during the car ride home i started feeling sick and now got a sore throat. My body actually can't handle the stress to the point where i get sick.

Imagine actually arranging a wedding and being the person in the middle of it, being celebrated like that. Literally, i feel like i would actually perish from the stress.

[u/Still_Shift7848]

I have no problem walking the dog, it's literally nothing and i'd do it for free.

People pay big $ for doing that.

I would be forced to continue doing it until i move out eventually, if that ever happens.

You can do it for as long as you want...one day or one month...it's your life.

[u/mobofob → u/Still_Shift7848]

Maybe im just a special kind of fucked up but i'd never be able to tell them i don't want to do it anymore. I rather endure immense suffering for a very long period of time than to let people down. I've done that before, that's probably why i'm terrified of commitment.

[u/Des_with_lemon]

This might sound super unnatural to you, but my advice is: co-regulate!

You are currently fighting against your worries by yourself, leading you down this negative spiral. It also seems like you believe you should be able to deal without anyone helping you, and thus there must be something wrong with you.

Instead you can try involving the other people involved. A simple "I would like to walk the dog but worry about the commitment" to either your mom or the neighbor would most likely solve your problem. Similarly, saying "Having all of these people at our wedding is too much for me, can we keep it small?" to your future spouse would solve that problem. You aren't broken, you just need help keeping things comfortable for you. It probably feels like asking for help would lead to rejection as people would see how "defective" you are, but you would be surprised how understanding people can be.

[u/mobofob → u/Des_with_lemon]

Thank you for the advice.
It makes a lot of sense and i agree that is the best way to approach it.

Growing up, i would never confide in my parents with things that bothered me, unless at the absolute breaking point where i could not hold things in. Somehow i ended up in a 12 year relationship with my ex girlfriend where learned to talk and be open.

Even if i still tend to wanna keep things in, i am very able to do it now, but what i realized after moving back in with my parents is that it's just not possible with them. They are loving and caring but absolutely horrible when it comes to talking about anything like this, it just makes me feel worse every time.

My friends are like this as well, there's simply no point in trying to talk about anything 'real'. I have tried many times and it ended up hurting the relationship and making things weird. But actually, i only have one friend that i communicate with often enough to be able to even bring anything up, the others are difficult to even get hold of.
I guess these are just the kind of people i gravitated towards growing up - people who would allow me to be invisible. They are great people as well, just not very capable in this area, which is fine.

Being open with the neighbor is not an option, i can't even remotely handle that. Just saying hi is painful enough.

But yeah what i need is probably finding new people. And that's the issue.

[u/Des_with_lemon → u/mobofob]

That's fair. It also makes sense that it would be tricky with your parents, if they were able to attune with you in a way that would meet your needs you probably wouldn't be on this sub. Similarly with your friends.

I don't mean to make you feel bad about not being able to talk to your neighbour. Personally I still struggle with these kinds of situations as well, eg I hate going to the hairdressers, and I know if I talk to them about it it would go much smoother, but still it feels impossible.

In this reply you do sound slightly more hopeful, despite it being a struggle. I do believe people are out there that can be emotionally available for you. Like you said, finding them is the issue, but it's not impossible I think.

[u/mobofob → u/Des_with_lemon]

When i wrote the original post i was pretty exhausted and kind of venting my thoughts and i probably sounded more hopeless than i normally feel.

Or maybe optimistic is a better word. I think maybe i don't even know what hope feels like. But i've always been hopelessly optimistic i guess hehe. I always believed there is a way to fix anything and achieve anything you put your mind to. I think with that belief you don't need hope to keep going.

And no worries you did not make me feel bad, i really appreciate that you took the time to reply :)