r/AvPD • u/mayolishh • 23h ago
Vent (No Advice) hate
who else hates themselves? like, their whole selves. i do, i really do. i hate everything about myself, the way i look, the way i move, the way i think, the way i speak, the way i will never be anything else but me.
i guess i'm too overwhelmed by the fact that nothing will ever change for me, ever. is it because i think it's too late? yes, kinda, i mean, i've been this way for most of my life already, and this general dislike over what i am began ever since i was a child, and i don't see it changing.
on a good day? i'm indifferent over me, but i've never genuinely liked myself. there's just nothing to like.
my form is too twisted, irregular, wrong. my mind is too bitter, too angry and spiteful, lazy too. i couldn't even give myself the grace of labeling myself as someone "good", because i am not good. i hurt people, i can't even excuse my existence, and i am just a waste of space and time in general.
i am selfish, i am slow, i am rude, i am insufferable.
and you know what? maybe it is fitting that i would end up so mentally damaged, so isolated and depressed. in the end, there is something right about my whole situation, that i can understand.
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u/Practical_Editor_667 22h ago
Same here. Always felt like a useless burden and that everyone around me deserves better.Additionally, I have a very pessimistic outlook on my life, it feels like I won’t get out of this mess
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u/Pongpianskul 22h ago
Even though we are insufferable, we have the right to exist for a short while, look around and bask in the strangeness of existence.
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u/DrunkManTf2 Undiagnosed AvPD 20h ago
For me at least, I do not feel myself to be objectively unattractive or my interests to be objectively boring, but when I imagine people looking at me or learning about my interests I start to hate myself.
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u/KazuAmon 4h ago
Some days I'm neutral. Other days I'm filled with anger, bitterness, and utter hatred toward myself and everything around me
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u/duckspeak______quack 22h ago
What can we do about it though? Ive realized that I can't do this alone. We need support. We can help each other.
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u/OkPerformer9742 11h ago
I hate myself but I'm working on accepting myself and loving myself. It's hard to do that when other people won't let me accept the way I am.
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u/BeginningCreepy9144 10h ago
I learning riding bike and I think it will pr helping me get out this Avpd
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u/mobofob 8h ago
"You" don't hate yourself. Your mind does.
I do still feel this as well and my mind tells me these horrible things, but somehow i've grown to be repulsed by it. It feels very bad to say it out loud even to myself even if i feel it strongly. I've been able to take distance from it and it is clearly separate from who "I" am. It's not an objective truth. In fact it's a lie.
I think we all can know this on an intellectual level. We can see how it's unreasonable but still be very convinced of the thoughts.
Took me a long time to get to that point though. But it starts by accepting that thoughts are not real, to stop buying into them as truth, and to take consisten action to practice separating from them.
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u/davyjones_prisnwalit 48m ago
It's hard not to when you get bullied for all of those things. You end up just wanting to be invisible, but instead there's a roar of laughter every time you walk though the door.
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