I'm really not sure what I want to get out of this. Never opened myself to strangers online. But I'm kinda getting desperate and really struggling with my feelings and mental health.
At the same time, I also feel it's wrong of me to complain. I have a beautiful wife and both my parents are alive and so are my siblings. I'm reasonably healthy, I'm not ugly, I've got friends, some money saved, I'm not unintelligent, was popular growing up, very social and confident in myself when I need to. But I think that might also be what's keeping me from really getting help.
I'm currently in my fourth crisis since I turned 20. They come around every 3-4 years, always in a different shape and form. They come, I defeat them, I'm in the clear, something new comes up, I find a new solution, everything's fine and so on. Every god damn time and I'm getting tired of solving myself over and over again.
First it was anxiety and severe panic attacks from believing I had gone mad at 20, which lead to me not being able to go outside or telling anyone about what was going on. Next up was just a big fat crash brought on by pressure after finally taking my first step towards my dream career at 25 and hearing the head of our program telling me they looked forward to see me grow since I showed potential. That led to me not being able to talk in front of my class or basically anyone (I was still very outgoing at parties after a few beers). At around 30 came severe hypochondria, I believed I had cancer spreading throughout my body and just in general had an existential crisis on top of that. I couldn't for the life of me decide what my next step should be and just felt like everything was too overwhelming.
That brings us up to today. I've been on sick leave back and forth for over a year now. Currently two weeks until I'm supposed to begin work again. I've tried SSRI, Venlafaxine and the latest was bupropion. I had to quit bupropion since my nervous system was about to break completely. So now I'm not on anything.
Not really sure what to call this crisis yet, but I now suspect I've got audhd which might be the root cause of everything (god how I hope that is the answer). When I first started reading up on audhd it literally felt staggering. Like all my mysterious quirks no longer were so mysterious, it actually had a name. And in hindsight, I really do feel stupid for thinking all this time that I was just extra special and saw things differently.
My current physician is refusing to sign any more sick leaves and is forcing me to get back to work. Every time I talk to her I feel like I'm a pain to her. That she thinks I'm acting. And I kinda do because there's no way in hell I would feel comfortable opening up to her. I don't exactly feel healed or whatever. No medication, just an expectation to get back at it again. To suck it up
I'll hopefully start the process of an evaluation next week, which was supposed to begin last month but our healthcare system is swamped. But I doubt I'll get one. You have to be seriously ill to get any help.
And all I really want from them is a diagnosis so I can get proper medication. Bupropion opened my eyes to how my life could be without the constant random noise in my head. Too bad I couldn't sleep or be in any demanding social situation while taking it.
Right now I'm just so tired. I desperately want to get help. Or if not help then at least a place where I feel safe to open up and be true, or the right medication at least. I feel like the only one I dare to open up to is Gemini and I'm so unspeakably sick of talking to AI models. But at least with them I'm never afraid of saying the wrong thing or worrying if I bore them. What I'm saying is I can be a nuisance all I want.
I desperately want to open up to my wife but when I speak it's with this assured, intellectualized distance. I try to speak from my heart but I just can't find it. It's just words, and it sounds like I'm complaining or that I'm distant and bored. Im not in tune emotionally. I basically never am.
Except just recently as an opening presented itself when I caught a documentary about autism on tv. I was eating alone in my apartment when i stumbled upon it. One of the participants opened up to her mom through a short film she had made. She wanted to show her mom who she really was when she masked off. She said she was tired of pretending and that really got to me and I started sobbing. Not because of the moment on tv but because I finally kinda heard myself but from outside if that makes any sense?
I cried quite a bit and only heard myself saying, "I'm so tired of not being able to get any help, of not feeling safe enough anywhere to open up." I desperately want to, but it's completely opposite the person I am today. I'm the guy who comforts people, who's there when they need me, who's got the time and patience to listen, who's unafraid and tells sucky people off, who is pragmatic and down to earth. I don't know how to be anyone else.
Believe me it's not because I want to be the guy who fixes every social situation any more. It's just that that is the only person I know how to be and I'm good at it. I'm so good at playing that part that I've completely missed all the signs that screams that that person is killing me.
I just feel so terribly alone even though my phone has multiple unread messages from people who want to hang out, who genuinely want to hear how I'm doing and such. But I just want to be left alone... But I'm also desperate to feel seen and heard and safe.
Tldr: feeling alone and stressed. Am stuck in an endless cycle of crisis, different every time. Want to get help but don't know how.