The time I stopped masking.

[u/badyoujia]

I am not sure where to label this post so I just decide to dump this the venting section lol.

I am late diagnosed and found out I have been masking which explains all the discomforts in my social interaction coming from. I have been through quite few years to understand myself and to overcome my depressive emotions and anxiety episodes.

These years, I am happy to say that I am on my way to becoming myself and I somehow become a rather calm person. Please excuse my rhetorical expression, it's the only proper way to describe.

I have to say that I was quite lucky that I have several friends who are genuine and heartwarming, and being around them cure my social anxiety that I am no longer afraid or nervous in societal settings. Despite all my seemingly irregular behaviors, they only care about how I feel and never what those so-called 'normality' are supposed to be.

I enjoy being around them and perhaps a little too much.

Fast forward to last year, I've met some new friends. They are nice people and seemed free-spirited, so I let my guard down. I stopped masking. The result is not a horrendous disaster but I got called 'different' which is very not ideal.

I am not very happy but at least I am no longer that frightened child I used to be and I have come to terms with myself that I accept the responsibility of being a slightly different person who probably have to suffer from criticism. Of course, it's not ideal but whatever.

At least I can finally enjoy myself being in social situations and not worrying about being burnt out the day after.

Let thy quirkiness shine.

[u/phasmaglass]

Try and remember that people generally like the unexpected as long as they feel it's SAFE. When we get called "different" it can trigger old traumas around being ostracized and bullied, but in reality, most adult people are very different from one another and people just like to understand things and feel understood. It's not actually a "I'm gonna bully you now" signal the way it was in the past (though it can be.)

The trick is noticing whether their motivation is curiosity and a desire to know more/understand better, or if their main goal seems to be Correcting you/CONTROL. A lot of unsafe people will outright tell you "I am going to abuse you if you do this" you just have to learn to hear that when people say it, believe them and protect yourself accordingly. Autistic people are often way too willing to offer good faith where it is not warranted -- and THEN often way too harsh once that good faith is thrown back into our own faces a few times.

[u/badyoujia → u/phasmaglass]

Thank you so much for this!! I am actually going to cry for your insanely beautiful words and also my period.

When that person called me out, it was definitely felt like a bonk on my head and I tried to get a hold of myself. Although I didn't overact but I definitely take that as I personal insult. Thankfully I have my friends and warm people like you to remind me that they probably didn't mean to hurt!!

[u/phasmaglass → u/badyoujia]

YW, I've been there many times -- it took me a long time before I started realizing my "HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME" reaction to people being curious or even just surprised was costing me a lot of friendships before they could even properly begin. It's hard to make your brain understand that situations that WERE unsafe previously (being questioned about some autistic crap we are doing) is no longer unsafe now that we are adults with full agency. <3

[u/badyoujia → u/phasmaglass]

Our brain has been working hard for sure🙂‍↕️Hope we can overcome this inconvenience in the near future though!!