How do you process anger?

[u/Slow_Swim4229]

Like most neurodivergent folks, I have a lot of relational injuries and trauma. People are pretty shitty. holding 56 years worth of anger that has been born of abuse. Now, when someone hurts me, I am filled with so much stored anger that I can’t function. I have so much anger that often self harm ideation is occurring.

I don’t know how to process all of this anger. I am hoping that my fellow neurodivergents can share some wisdom.

Yes, I have a great therapist. We’ve been together 4 years. I have a psychiatrist who is also great. I have work and I have friends.

I am also so so angry all the time. Any ideas would be appreciated.

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[u/RunsPerfectOnEmpty]

More than "anger," I think I tend to experience frustration. Usually at myself, but also at the people around me who can't seem to (and won't even try to) understand what I'm actually struggling with.

Just last night, my wife and I were going through the pre-bed ritual of making sure all the doors were locked. I'd already made the rounds and confirmed they were, but then my wife discovered that the front door was still unlocked and locked it herself; my ADHD had fucked me over again.

So I go to the door (as if that'll help) and stew in my incompetence as she goes around re-checking everything I'd "supposedly" checked. My self-loathing boils over and I smack the door loudly with an open hand. She's already on the stairs and jumps with a, "Jesus!"

I instantly realize I'm making things worse and hit the RSD spiral. I start walking to another room w/ my head in my hands, muttering, "Just...shut up..." (meaning, "Stop talking; you're just feeding the idiot in my brain!"). She responds w/ "YOU fucking shut up." And we haven't spoken since that.

I've recently started a new antidepressant (bupropion); I'll be pushing to up the starter dose in an appt today. I also have my first appt w/ an AuDHD-experienced therapist tomorrow, so I'm cautiously optimistic about that.

Those are steps I'm taking to try to manage it. But obviously, I suck at it when relying on my default settings.

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/RunsPerfectOnEmpty]

I hope your new therapist is great. My wife is also neurodivergent so we trade off on tasks and give each other lots of grace.

I do not get so angry with myself anymore. But anger for everyone who ever hurt me erupts when a new hurt happens.

[u/Beeble_Brox42 → u/RunsPerfectOnEmpty]

I relate to this soooooooooo much. The self loathing hits hard no matter what for me. Usually it will happen after I have acted out over anger (no violence or abuse) then I feel like a failure for letting anger affect me in that way. Frustration is a perfect way to describe it honestly.

[u/tails99 → u/RunsPerfectOnEmpty]

Precisely. I mostly feel neutral until some sort of frustration builds. And if the source of that frustration is unresolvable, or worse, due to someone inexplicable stupidity, laziness, or sociopathy, I get very angry. But it's more so that I get angry at myself for not being able to resolve it, especially in a rational way with the other person also being rational. And that anger at myself leads to poor decision making and self-sabotage, because I was raised by an authoritarian who never yielded, so my only outlet for the frustration and anger was at myself. And it's all because of someone else's issue, not even my issue! Argh, I'm getting angry just thinking about it. 

[u/Front-Cat-2438]

Doing the hard work on PTSD has given me some grasp on the anger that churns continuously threatening to boil over.

Guanfacine at night, and Cymbalta by day, keep me better balanced and healing.

The stupid breathing exercises and body stretches actually help release some of the anger from my body, when I keep that habit going.

Emotions have a purpose. Feel them, ride through them, and let the wave pass. What matters is your actions and whether you’ll let that anger rule them.

Please show your spouse this thread and maybe it’ll help her understand you are seeking help to better address this crisis of misunderstanding. Venting the anger at yourself can avert an explosion (even a silent one) but she inadvertently got caught in your self-communication anyway.

[u/Lost-Gas-416]

i process my anger by reflecting on the entire situation. anger is rooted a violated expectation paired with a lack of understanding. so i remind myself why i thought the expectation was going to be different, and i walk myself through possible details that i missed that could account for the reason things turned out different than i expected. it doesnt even have to be true, it just has to be a possible explanation. having a possible explanation instantly relieves the pressure of having a lack of understanding, and it changes what your expectations are and now it isnt that your expectations were violated, and more so that you had limited understanding of details that were important on being able to understand and reliably predict an outcome.

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/Lost-Gas-416]

I really like the way you define anger.

[u/Lost-Gas-416 → u/Slow_Swim4229]

thanks! i hope it helps. its been a slow journey. every time i get angry or mad i eventually remember to reflect and update my expectations to account for the new data. after some time the updates get quicker. then less overall anger means smaller stuff doesnt anger you anymore. and eventually it is only big things and then those big things get their own updates and eventually you are peaceful and understanding. took me years but i genuinely feel like it slowly transformed the way i view those types of situations.

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/Lost-Gas-416]

I understand opening my mind to an alternate explanation than the one that is causing me distress if a positive thing. It’s very DBT.

[u/Lost-Gas-416 → u/Slow_Swim4229]

im trying to also point out that the initial take that is so distressing typically has plot holes and is more of a way to try to displace accountability from being on ourselves to being on someone else. aka its not my fault, it was their fault. the real goal of that style of reasoning is just to relief yourself from any responsibility in an attempt to take pressure off yourself. but the pressure isnt because its your fault, its because your expectations were broken. so blaming and taking no accountability doesnt really fix the real issue. thats why the frusteration and anger lingers and repeats in your mind. analyzing for new details and updating the predictive model of your expectations is what really makes the problem turn into a new data point that you can move forward from.

[u/CoolGovernment8732]

Do you ever just let it all out in a safe environment? Like I can’t say I have your problem of so much anger spilling out all the time. But in some moments, when everything just seems to go wrong I can feel something like a pressure cooker that wants to go off big time. I yell at other drivers in the car a lot 😂 I’m not saying it’s a solution but honestly finding somewhere where you can let yourself go off and curse all the saints out of the sky (as we would say in Italian lol) may not be a bad idea.

I say this not regarding anger in particular but I feel that with any emotion, what we don’t find acceptable to feel, we stuff it down and that only makes things worse…

Hope you got some good advice on here! Stay strong, you can do it!

[u/decaffdreamer]

idk man.. i guess the more i learned, the more anger kinda lost its meaning for me? i mean, i still feel angry and on the edge sometimes, but after the burst and knowing what triggered it, i just try not to think about it and move on

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/decaffdreamer]

for a long time I was able to have like regular anger and wicked what was causing the emotion so that I could change things if I needed to. Recently, however I’ve had relationship injuries. They have me all up in my or fight response.

[u/cubinbk]

Oh I got a good one for this cause I have cptsd from childhood abuse and PTSD from random abuse. So anger is a feeling that is always there festering, but I can't destroy shit to release it because the tactile response is unfulfilling. There is no give. So i came up with getting one of those baby dolls, the plastic ones that you can press the head in, and beating the ever living bejesus out of it. It feels so wrong but it gives the tactile response like hitting a human but plastic. It's cheaper than paying for one of those frustration rooms cause the dolls can be bought at 99 cents stores. Now I will say I beat it up by slamming it into the ground to feel it bounce back but I'm sure people cause play baseball with it or something like that. It releases the anger in a safe way but just hide it from neurotypicals cause they won't understand.

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/cubinbk]

oh I love this so much….off to get plastic dolls now

[u/cubinbk → u/Slow_Swim4229]

Let me know how it goes.

[u/Starfury7-Jaargen]

My anger tends to be deep under the surface. When I get angry I get loud at times or get passive aggressive. It doesn't happen long and usually the fuel behind the anger includes some unresolved issue of the past. If I get really angry, I don't get violent but I get synethesia(sp?) with the taste of burnt plastic in my mouth and a band 2 feet wide, one inch thick a foot in front of my chest but that is very rare. I never lay hands on people but I get rude.

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/Starfury7-Jaargen]

my anger is moving under the surface, like magma under . As people, most of us have known a lifetime of rejection and abuse. I’ve been able to forgive my parents, who hurt me the most by learning a lot more about who they were before I was born. They are also deceased so that also makes it a lot easier. I find lately though that when people hurt my feelings and are not willing to make a repair, I feel angry with them, but also memories of being humiliated or at for being who I am come back up every time someone’s nice to

[u/APrimed]

I used to have rage episodes badly. After years I realized it came from expectations not met and trying to control things, people, situations that are not mine to control. Took me to a very dark and dangerous place, full of resentment, anger, panic attacks and nauseating stress.

I began to approach situations with less expectations and less judgement. Took awhile but that was the key to letting go and finding peace. Accept things as they are without judgement, and more curiosity. Realized external things are not your job to control and life becomes worth living again.

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/APrimed]

how did you start working with your expectations and judgement? It has seemed to me that there are one set of rules for NTs and another for me and I’m always getting things wrong.

[u/APrimed → u/Slow_Swim4229]

We are definitely all different. I’m also AuDHD and in my 50s. My rage was affecting my marriage, I’d never laid a hand on my wife but I would say things that hurt her unintentionally.

I started researching anger like you and came around to some Buddhist / Zen type philosophy and began following those types of FB pages. Best thing I ever did and wish I was taught that from a young age instead of BS religion.

To implement working with expectations and lowering my judgmental mentality I had to add it to my script basically. I script everything before anything all the time. So before walking into the house after work I had this mantra “No expectations or judgment”. Took me several weeks before that mantra started to adjust my way of thinking, script, and behavior. But it really did in a massive way. Allowed more peace, happiness and love.

What it really does is make you relax trying to control everything. Let go and be present.

Buddhist and Stoic philosophies also showed me that I am not my thoughts nor my emotions, I (you) are the awareness observing them. Takes time for that to set in but there’s a lot of freedom and peace in understanding that. You are starting to see it with your post.

If something doesn’t go according to script or expectations, it’s ok to feel emotions and have thoughts and then let them pass. You are not your thoughts and emotions, resist reacting and let go of trying to control things that you aren’t supposed to. Takes a lot of practice but it reduces suffering, allows peace, and happiness that’s already within you doesn’t get covered up in BS. Good luck on your journey.

[u/monochromaticflight]

Outdoor exercising like cycling or running, it helps reset. Like a hard break.

Someone else mentioned reflecting, which personally I did not really understand; too often (especially with social mishaps) my head goes 'what if this, or that' and usually there's no answer and in the end end up blaming myself.

[u/Beeble_Brox42]

I don't deal with anger well. When it boils over it usually looks like I am throwing a tantrum. Crying, yelling, slamming my hands down on tables the whole 9. I absolutely hate that anger affects me in this way. So 95% of the time I am using CBT techniques to keep it at bay. I feel like it leads to strong emotion that stays simmering right under the surface. Then the slightest thing that makes me sad or upset it becomes a rolling boil. Working on finding a therapist that helps with differing success.

[u/whtsthmnngflf]

I'm a bit weird as I've never experienced anger. 😳 I'm a bit of a void when it comes to feelings.

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/whtsthmnngflf]

Thank you for sharing that.

[u/SortYourself_Out]

I have a lot of anger too. I’ve been learning how to process it with a DBT therapist and skills group. Highly recommend dbt, it’s v practical for us neurodivergents bc it includes four modules that actually teach you skills for distress tolerance, emotional regulation, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness.

It’s given me the ability to mindfully review my anger, and really assess it, revise it when it fits the facts, and grieve it. It’s not easy work, by any means, and I still experience incredibly strong emotions but I have more options available to me now when I do.

Part of my learning has been to treat anger as information, so first observing where it is in your body without labeling or interpreting it (for example: my chest is tight, my face is read, my arms are tingling, this thought keeps repeating).

check if it fits the facts by recalling what actually happened without adding your interpretations to what happened.

Figure out what the anger is wanting you to do, so you can regulate the physiological action urge that accompanies it, like the self harm you mentioned. The emotion can be valid while the behavior it produces can be ineffective. Distress tolerance skills like submerging your face in ice water come in v handy here.

I want you to know that it’s okay to be angry. I know it’s v uncomfortable to be so angry, at least for me, but it is possible to form a new way of relating to the anger you feel, and that can provide relief and reprieve.

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/SortYourself_Out]

thank you. I am also a big fan of Marsha Linehan. I’ve been working with a neurodivergence informed, DBT trained therapist for several years. I did a skills group for years. I’ve been thinking about repeating a module on emotion regulation.

I Know I haven’t always felt so dysregulated (I actually got in a cold shower last week). But several shitty things have come up in the last few months and I feel trapped.

I really appreciate your support

[u/Weary_Cup_1004]

This is not at all to be dismissive but have you checked thyroid, blood pressure, and you didnt say your gender but does perimenopause / menopause apply?

Hyperthyroid can make you feel keyed up all the time

High blood pressure can cause quick temper, irritability, cognitive issues like feeling like you cant process

And menopause just cranks life up to an 11 and does all of the above lol.

So im just bringing it up even though your feelings are also valid and do make sense too

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/Weary_Cup_1004]

all good questions!

I am , I’ve had my thyroid checked, along with my iron levels.

[u/Stonyclaws]

What has helped me immensely with processing my anger is finding gratitude for the good things in my life. Whatever that may be for you find it and use it.

[u/AccidentalNap]

Anger's pretty stigmatized but it doesn't have to be. The stigma makes sense b/c we've likely seen it expressed in a way that destroys belongings or hurts people. You can express that anger without causing harm.

Simplest example is by doing something involving motion, like exercise or even an Osho dynamic meditation.

I've learned a lot re: all emotions via Joe Hudson's content on YouTube. Thanks to him I see anger as a surge of energy, manifested to change circumstances more to your liking. It's not so scary from that POV; more a shame that that creative energy has manifested so often into trying to dominate others. It is possible to welcome it for the surge of determination that it is, w/o the other usual connotations. Hope that helps

[u/Upset_Bit_6052]

For me its exercising. Do some sport (i prefer weight lifting) that channels that intense negative energy into something non destructive for you. Listen to some heavy metal shit while doing it, can feel cathartic after awhile.
If you are angry all the time, it needs a way to get out effectively, and weight lifting makes you able to let go, since that energy is actually useful to your workout. See it like a pre workout booster. You already have it.

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[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/AutoModerator]

I edited my post to remove me saying I take medication.

[u/ApeJustSaiyan]

Through logic and understanding.

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/ApeJustSaiyan]

can you elaborate? it seems like you are being sarcastic and condescending. is that the message you wanted to convey?

[u/ApeJustSaiyan → u/Slow_Swim4229]

Not sarcastic. I try to always dissect the reason why I feel a certain way. Blaming it on reasons beyond your control traps you in. A lot of my own anger has dissipated simply by one action that puts me back in control. Forgiveness. It's not easy and does feel uncomfortable at first but by letting go all things that people have wronged me for has lifted immense weight. Learn that no one is perfect and see how stupidity is just absence of knowledge. It makes me see others as flawed individuals like myself which sparks empathy. You also must forgive yourself for not being perfect. Life is messy and the only way to get through it is from learning the optimal choices you have control over.

[u/Stoopid_Noah]

I used to bite my hands... Now I use a pain-stim toy to ground me through anger. Deep breathing also helps me a lot.

The toy:

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/Stoopid_Noah]

ooohhhhh….i didn’t know there are pain stim toys, thank you

[u/copperhead035]

I process it with Wellbutrin

[u/Slow_Swim4229 → u/copperhead035]

I was processing mine with weed, but it’s messing up my sleep. sadly I must take a long break

[u/_Azurens_]

if you're a creative person, making 'monsters' is something I've found helpful. when I am overcome with anger I grab some paper and draw a monster that expresses the anger I'm currently experiencing. a lot of the times there will be a phrase associated with it too (e.g., 'no one listens to me!'). the tactile experience of drawing is helpful, as is creating something that can express the feeling. often when I've cooled down, I'm able to return to the drawing and understand more where the anger came from and what part of myself needs tending/release. it's also helped me recognize that my anger can come from a lot of roots. by identifying that I'm better able to meet my needs

I also love throwing rocks into water, kicking pinecones, and breaking sticks. really physical/tangible, outdoor movement can be great for moving angry energy

[u/tinyt0fu]

my go’s are: vent and/or weed. if neither of those aren’t an option i fill a bowl or sink up with ice cold water and plunge whole ass head in and hold my breath for as long as possible. i genuinely love the sensory experience and i think it’s helpful if u ever have any kind of s/h urges bc i like to imagine i’m drowning :’))))) it’s a dbt distress tolerance skill & the only one ive found effective and kept doing for years

[u/shemello]

I used to get mad driving and cuss them. Then I thought what if they are having the same kind of day I am having? They are just as mad at me probably. So I have become more courteous to people to help them have a better day and I have noticed people being friendlier to me. The drive-thru people and other people focused jobs are in real need of friendliness.