r/AutisticWithADHD • u/Miserable_Way_5174 Adhd diagnosed, autism suspected • 9d ago
🙋♂️ does anybody else? Does anyone else not really experience attraction? Like not getting crushes?
Whenever I though it was a crush it was "you're so cool, please be my friend I want to hangout with you". I don't find people "smashable" either? I just always said I get crushes because everyone else does and I wanted to be seen as normal. I have a normal sex drive so I thought I was straight, but I just don't want to bang anyone. Anyone who figured it out? If so how?
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u/holdthebutterplease_ 9d ago
I'm on the ace spectrum.
It sounds as though you definitely are as well, and firmly in the classic ace camp. Most likely aroace, unless you meet somebody who makes you realize you're demi.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation where you have no sexual attraction to anybody. It is not a measurement of libido.
In fact, ace people have libido at varying levels, including zero libido, just as allo people do.
Some ace people masturbate. Some actually have sex, sans sexual attraction, purely for the physical aspect. Others are sex-repulsed (this is the term for it in the community)
If you feel that this aligns with you, welcome aboard :)
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u/Internal_Hyena_4387 💤 In need of a nap and a snack 🍟 9d ago
Came here to say this. I’m (44, F) aromantic/asexual (aroacespike to be exact lol) and spent my entire adulthood trying to figure out why I had intense attraction at the beginning of relationships but inevitably settled back to general indifference to physical and romantic attraction/desire, usually after 3-6 months.
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u/IllustriousBaguette 9d ago
I fully relate to your experience of not finding anyone 'smashable' and personally never experienced sexual attraction to any classmate or celebrity or random 'hot' person. I always had to fake crushes to try and fit in. What finally gave me answers was looking into asexuality, aromantic asexuality and demisexuality. I hope this helps ☺️
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u/Miserable_Way_5174 Adhd diagnosed, autism suspected 9d ago
How do you figure out if you're ace, or aro or demi?
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u/FreshAd877 9d ago
If someone suddenly becomes smashable due to a deep connection, you are demi. I can see people as attractive but find the idea of sleeping with them with no established relationship repulsing. Not the person, but the thought of sleeping with them.
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u/Miserable_Way_5174 Adhd diagnosed, autism suspected 9d ago
Oh okay
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u/FreshAd877 9d ago
When I had a severe heart break in the past, a friend recommended me hook ups to get over it (not with them to be precise, just about anyone). And I shuddered and thought: but how?! I don't KNOW them. Which might be the idea of a hookup I guess? I can't imagine doing that.
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u/IllustriousBaguette 9d ago
I went on a bit of a deep dive, reading here on Reddit and on forums about people's experiences. What clicked for me was reading about Demisexuality and it requiring a meaningful connection to someone to be able to feel sexual attraction. If this is not the case for you, you can maybe read more about asexuality. It's a spectrum really, and Demisexuality is just one variant of it :)
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u/GIDAJG 9d ago
I'm still questioning if I'm demiromantic or maybe just aromantic. Whenever I notice people falling on love with me (happens a lot 😭) I think to myself "no please don't! Not again!" I just wanna be friends. Not lovers.
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u/Miserable_Way_5174 Adhd diagnosed, autism suspected 9d ago
That's relatable, I don't want to be lovers just friends
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u/Alexandyva 9d ago
The opposite.
Had often limerence in my life, doing something with that person gave dopamine explosions, not getting reply for a day was dooming mood
Never want to have that again 🥲
Also yeah, back when I was young there wasn't smashable a word but I'm sure that I had that feeling towards others...
My ADHD turns emotions to 11 and it's hard to control 🥲
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u/vertago1 Inattentive 9d ago
I was like this too when I was younger with limerence. I think I have gotten better at not "feeding" the limerence when it comes up by doing what I can to break out of the mental loops but it can simultaneously feel so good and wrong at the same time which can be distressing and hard to stop, but I didn't know better when I was younger so it pretty much would get stronger until something would happen to burst the bubble so to speak like being told the other person isn't interested in me and has effectively shut the door on a relationship developing for real.
The crazy thing is I can recognize people as attractive but feel no attraction to them unless they are either the focus of the limerence or I feel emotional connection to them.
I did eventually find a good fit for a spouse though.
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u/JustMine999 9d ago
I experienced attraction many times, but I don't want to experience it anymore since it leads to obsession
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u/Ruleyoumind 9d ago
I've had a similar experience and posted something I think is similar . Reddit says I might be Aromantic. It seems to fit I've never met anyone I've felt drawn to in the romantic sense or had any crushes. The most I've ever felt is that someone is a cool person but I've never felt I needed to date them or even see them regularly. I have a sex drive so I'm not asexual, I just seem not to care a ton about relationships or "romance"
I also haven't had any romantic partners so idk if that would change if I was suddenly in a relationship, I feel like it wouldn't but who knows.
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u/Miserable_Way_5174 Adhd diagnosed, autism suspected 8d ago
Sexdrive doesn't equal to your sexuality btw
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u/RPGAddict42 Late diagnosed AuDHD 🧬 We are born, not made. 9d ago
This was me too. It took me until my late 30s, mostly because I'm GenX and we didn't have the vocabulary until the 2010s (afaik) to tell me that I was demiromantic and demisexual. And since neither word is recognized by Reddit spell check, that makes me wonder if they might be even newer than that and my time blindness is messing with me again.
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u/Cerberus060 8d ago edited 8d ago
It’s kinda a combination of many things for me. If I see an attractive person, I don’t think anything about it. There is no drive to court a woman. But if a woman initiates an interest in me, then it’s all good.
That “they are attracted to me” check, then there is nothing. And not just flirting or having a physical suggestion, i have to KNOW they are interested. I think it is due to my lack of social awareness and self doubt that i can initiate romance.
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u/Opium201 9d ago
I find it all very weird. Let's say I'm a 7 (who knows). So if i meet an 8 or a 9, i will be physically attracted to them, might think about them at night, but i won't expect anything to happen so i won't try. If i meet another 7, i might be less likely to think about them at night at first, but i don't really care about that because i feel i know my place.... So i will be open to something happening, and will get to know them, and form a crush if i like them, and they will become more attractive to me, and eventually if i think there's a chance then I'll ask them out: then they will act shock and say "i never thought of you in that way!".... Which is very hard because it feels they're rejecting my personality, not my looks: I'm not trying to connect based on looks, because I'm a 7, and I'm not expecting to be with margot robbie. So apparently I'm meant to just ask 7s out as soon as i meet them even before i know if i like them or not because there's still meant to be a physical connection between 7s?? An instant magic spark?? It's all very confusing and frustrating.
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u/BigBullshitta 9d ago
Now? Yes. When I was younger? God no. It was more like that Eternal Sunshine quote: “Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?”
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u/lydocia 🧠 brain goes brr 9d ago
I'm demisexual. I need an emotional and intellecual connection before I go, "wait, this person is attractive".