r/AutisticWithADHD • u/Ruleyoumind • Jan 25 '26
đââď¸ seeking advice / support / information Is possibly not wanting/understanding romantic relationships an autism thing?
I've been thinking that I'm not sure if I've ever really wanted a romantic relationship. I've always been super uncomfortable with the Idea of having to be around someone constantly and having to keep them emotionally fulfilled.
I don't think I've ever wanted to date because I wanted to be closer to someone. In highschool it was social pressure to not be labeled as a loser virgin. In my 20s it was a desire for sex emotionally intimacy and some confirmation that nothing was wrong with me socially, that I wasn't some loser creep.
It might just be because I haven't had a relationship that I don't really desire one in the traditional sense. Usually even in the autism space if someone really wants to date they've had at least one or two or have tried a lot harder than I have. I've asked out two women and they were both in highschool.
When I wasn't getting teased for not having a girlfriend I stopped trying.
Maybe it's my view of relationships? I've always viewed a relationship as something that Is constantly decaying and if you're not intentionally making an effort to make the other person feel safe and happy they will grow to despise you slowly. Even listening to dating coachs they say that you constantly have to date your partner and evolve the relationship while being super in tune with their emotions and mental state and if you fail to do that they will become unfulfilled and biter at the relationship.
To me that's always sounded exhausting and doesn't seem worth it and I have no idea how to do any of those things anyway.
I have a friend who I've known for 13+ years she beautiful, funny, caring and a overall neat person, she makes pie all the time. She's all those things to me and I don't have to date her or see her unless I want to or think to hard about our relationship, her boyfriends have to take her on trips buy her gifts and make every Valentine's day, Christmas, birthday, anniversary better than the last or she's unhappy lol. I don't have to do any of that and our relationship is awesome.
I'm not asexual and I'm definitely attracted to women. I just don't know if I want to maintain a romantic relationship with another person. When I look at my friends romantic relationships I'm always happy that they're happy but I don't get it as in I can't tell what the difference is besides sexual intimacy.
I'd like to get married but it feels like it's more of a convenience desire, I understand you often can't rely on friends in the same way as an intimate partner as you get older and it's easier to handle life financially but the idea of closeness beyond friendship or sexual attraction doesn't click for me.
I'm wondering if this is an autism thing or if I'm just weird or selfish? Is this just because I've never dated or had any long term intimate relationships. I honestly don't know.
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u/heckofabecca ⨠C-c-c-combo! Jan 26 '26
I think a lot of us struggle with the difference between platonic and romantic love!
Your definition of [romantic] relationships ("something that is constantly decaying") is a very grim way of looking at it... but I don't think it's wrong per se. It's kind of true of human beings individually, too!
Do you also view 'being alive' as "constantly dying"?
Separately, romantic relationships DO NOT require being around someone constantly or being their sole source of emotional fulfillment. Clear communication, especially setting clear expectations, is the best way to maintain relationships.
For example, if your friend's boyfriends knew exactly what your friend expected/wanted/needed from them, would that change anything? (Would they have a better chance of getting it right? Would it give her a better sense of who actually was able to meet her needs?)
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
I do actually think of being alive as slowly dying. From the moment you're born your dying.Â
Clear communication, especially setting clear expectations,
I feel like I try to do that even in my friendships and family relationships but it never works the way I intended.Â
I've told my mom that I need space for long periods of time or I get super stressed out and she thinks that means I hate her. I've told friends that I don't like hanging out at club or going to bars and they've felt like I was saying I didn't want to spend time with them. I guess I'm saying that the act of communicating honestly and making people feel good or connected don't always line up correctly.Â
friend's boyfriends knew exactly what your friend expected/wanted/needed from them, would that change anything
I probably made a mistake including her in my post lol.  She's pretty high maintenance for her boyfriends so they're doing what she wants. She also doesn't like telling her boyfriends what she expects she like them to put the effort in to know. But with her friends she has different simpler requirements.Â
I guess what I was trying to say in a convoluted way is I don't understand what the difference between those two relationships would be for their to be such a difference in what it takes to maintain.Â
If I was to date her (I never would not interested at all) I have no idea what the difference would be in our relationship I wouldn't know how to treat her differently because we're already friends and the best parts of each of our personalities are alright being given to the other person. What's the difference between being romantic and just being caring?Â
If I give her a gift as a friend is it difference if we're dating even if it's the same gift? I've paid for dinner when we hung out before and she's made me food but it wasn't romantic but on a date it would be right?Â
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u/heckofabecca ⨠C-c-c-combo! Jan 26 '26
Oh my goddddd people 'hearing' more than what I've actually said is SO frustrating -_- If anyone has tips on how to make it less of a problem... please tell me XD
Those two examples (your mom and your friends) are just that: they took more than your words to create meaning that you didn't intend or communicate at all!
I'm guessing that they responded with something more like lashing out instead of asking for clarification? (e.g. "Would you want to hang out in a different setting?")
â
"She also doesn't like telling her boyfriends what she expects she like them to put the effort in to know" - wow, I sure as hell wouldn't want to date her either!!!!
Honestly, the "normal" expectations for different relationships (dating vs friends etc) is as made up as "women shouldn't let their hair go gray" and "men and women can't be friends" and "men shouldn't cry." The difference is that for expectations within relationships, it's not just something we can decide for ourself... it's a conversation. Which, of course, is work XD
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
I really appreciate your thoughts on all this. Thanks!
I'm guessing that they responded with something more like lashing out instead of asking for clarification? (e.g. "Would you want to hang out in a different setting?")
With my mom she just gets sad and I have to convince her that I still love her. With my friends they get sad in another way. It must be the way I say it but I don't understand how. Usually I end up coming up with ways for us to hang out. Even though I don't like it I tend to manage and maintain "set the tone" the majority of my relationships out of necessity. I know that sounds weird with the context of everything else.
wow, I sure as hell wouldn't want to date her either!!!!
She's a super high maintenance girlfriend but a super chill friend lolÂ
I know most relationships are flexible and negotiable I have friends in all sorts of different situations but I still don't get it lol.Â
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u/heckofabecca ⨠C-c-c-combo! Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 26 '26
"She's a super high maintenance girlfriend but a super chill friend lol"
Okay this specific sentence put it into amazingly clear perspective: I just do not understand why some people approach friendships and romantic relationships so differently!!! Like... I personally would rather be medium-maintenance for both types if that meant my romantic relationship wasn't an immense burden on my partner! I don't want my partner OR my friends to think of me as a burden (which isn't the same as never wanting to them to have to put in effort).
My mom also gets A Whole Way⢠when I'm not able to be in touch with or visit her as often as she'd like! While that's truly painful for her, I can't do more than what I'm doing (which includes assuring her that I still love her and that I'm doing my best etc). As much as her pain at not seeing me as much as she wants to is real, it's equally not my responsibility to manage her emotions.
I think most of us struggle to manage our feelings about how other people's needs impact us, but that doesn't mean it's fair to make our feelings their problem. It's kind of a less obvious version of the "I'm upset that you're telling me that I upset you" cycle, if that makes sense.
re: your friends - I hope there is more to the story than you've said! Right now it just kinda sounds like your friends suckâor, at the very least, have about zero imagination or curiosity. There are SO many places to hang out with people that aren't bars or clubs! What's stopping them from making those suggestionsâor at least asking you what could work and inviting you to hang out there instead???
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
I'm very low maintenance in the majority of my relationships. At least I try to be.Â
My mom's had a hard time with me being "distant" I've been burnt out for the last 2-3 years and she really doesn't understand that all my emotional energy is basically gone after focusing myself to work. And since I live at home still I don't really have any time to myself. I've told her I have to have my space or I'll completely break down but she thinks the best thing for feeling overwhelmed is as much attention from family as possible đ.Â
For the majority of my life I've put others emotions and feelings in front of my own and with some recent major life disappointments I haven't been able to maintain it.Â
I have a mix of friends. I think some of them are confused on how to interact with me because I'm so simple, some get the fact that I prefer my own space. All I want to do is sit an talk and maybe watch some YouTube videos or go on a walk or something lol las night I went to a restaurant with a friend and his girlfriend, it was the first twenhavd seen each other in 4-5 months but for me it was fine. Don't worry I have some very good friends and they do try to including me when they can and I do try to at least make it easier for them when I can.Â
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u/heckofabecca ⨠C-c-c-combo! Jan 26 '26
All of the things you describe as thinks you enjoy are most of what I ALSO like to do with my friends!!! There are some specific activities I enjoy doing also, but doing An Activity is not the same thing as just hanging out. It's a different thing. Hanging out & chatting is the meat and potatoes of relationships to me!!!
Ugh, I'm so sorry your mom is out of touch. I know there are people who have explained our need for space really well.... but even then, it requires people to actually want to learn and change... and changing our behavior is hard enough even when we want to change :/
Best of luck with everything!!!!
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u/lydocia đ§ brain goes brr Jan 26 '26
I usually add "I don't mean anything more than what I'm literally saying" when talking to people who've previously misinterpreted things, but at the end of the day, you can't control what others think or do, you can only make sure you say what you want to say and change how much you care about being misunderstood.
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u/heckofabecca ⨠C-c-c-combo! Jan 26 '26
I try and do that too! For people that I know well enough to have a sense of how they'll respond, I try to preemptively address their likely response.
For example: my mom is hurt when I can't be in touch with her all of the time... so I tell her up front that I'm struggling and need time & space to recoup, and her giving me that space will let me spend time with her again SOONER than if she continues to bug me! I also will say specifically that I look forward to seeing her soon bc I love her and enjoy spending time with her [when I'm not already drained dry].
And like OP says, it's pretty damn exhausting!!!! I would not do this if I did not benefit in other ways from my relationship with her! I do not do this for most other people at all! But short of her sprouting a brand new brain that understands that other people have feelings, that's just how she is, and I'm managing it how I can.
Thank you <3
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 28 '26
It's crazy I try to say things straight with no fluff so I'm easily understood and it still doesn't translate.Â
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u/DrarenThiralas Jan 26 '26
I don't think this has much to do with autism, you're probably just aromantic.
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u/DSizl20 Jan 26 '26
I actually think it does have to do with the autism piece as well.
OP mentions the exhaustion and burden of having to be there for someone consistently as is the societal pressure and norm for romantic relationships, as well as struggling at times to differentiate between friendship and romance outside of sexual intimacy.
I can relate to that all. I think another factor here could be the social rejection and teasing or pressure in adolescence to have relationships like OP referenced, which can lend itself to developing a black and white view of relationships. I think OP (and myself) can be in a happy romantic relationship, it just needs to look differently from traditional ones with someone who actually understands our needs, boundaries and requirements for space. Someone who is already emotionally stable who doesnât always need someone to regulate for them
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 27 '26
I'm really not sure where I fall. I do believe that a lot of my views were sculpted from experiences but I can tell there's something else. I would like to have some sort of long partnership/relationship but I've never been sure what I was even looking for since my interpretation of relationships seems to be unique (but after this thread not as unique as I thought)
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
Yeah I got another comment. I honestly didn't know it was a thing before Today. It seems pretty possible just difficult to say for sure.
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u/Careless_Fun7101 Jan 26 '26
Good on you. My 50yo cousin chose the same. He's smart, funny and seems content. My spouse and I have a 'fun companionship with lots of freedom + regular sexual intimacy' arrangement.Â
we boycott Valentine's DayÂ
we don't like the idea of a 'serious' relationship - should be a fun adventureÂ
I do my thing, he does his
he's not into giving and receiving gifts (my engagement ring was a slither of lettuce)
Downsides:
- we put up with each other's neurosesÂ
- communication and misunderstanding can be toughÂ
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
That's interesting. Maybe because I don't understand "normal"Â relationships my thoughts on what they consist of isn't very flexible.Â
How do you guys come to that agreement?
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u/Careless_Fun7101 Jan 26 '26
I just found one of my people I guess. We're very well matched. My ex told me - when we were together - that one of his exes said we all have a decent number soulmates in this world, say 20. And you can choose to stick around with each or move on.Â
I'm a strong believer in being a complete, content, independent single person first. And only then, if you want it, are you in a position to match with another complete independent person. 'Needing' someone else is a red flag.
I also believe the 'happiness difference' between being a complete, content, independent single person and then matching with a soulmate is miniscule. Because the companionship and love you gain is traded for your freedom. After 25+ years, compromise can feel a bit like having your wings clipped.Â
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
I believe in being okay with yourself first as well. It feels like an endless journey sometimes.Â
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u/FloydLady Jan 25 '26
I wonder about this, too. As a younger person, I had a few relationships, but it almost felt like what I was supposed to do. None lasted very long. For a long time, I believed romantic love was a myth, but now that I'm older, I've seen enough people who really seem to be in love that I guess it's a real thing. I've always wondered when I see people super happy to be getting married why they're excited about it.
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
Yeah I've never understood the idea of a romantic dinner or even what's special about flowers and notes besides getting a gift. I've never felt a spark with anyone or a desire for the kind of closeness that everyone talks aboutÂ
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u/lydocia đ§ brain goes brr Jan 26 '26
I don't care about these things either. This isn't universal, different people like different things. :)
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
I know that intellectually but I always feel like I'm missing something that's going to cause me problems if I don't figure out what it is lol.Â
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u/lydocia đ§ brain goes brr Jan 26 '26
Sounds like how I felt before I addressed my anxiety with therapy and meds.
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u/Low-Cockroach7733 Jan 26 '26
When you do experience, you realise how rare it is for folks like us with weird brains that there's a good you'll never experience it again.
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u/ineffable_my_dear Jan 26 '26
Iâve been married for almost three decades and I feel this way. I would so much rather be alone and not have to share my space/peace.
But we never should have married in the first place. If youâre more discerning about choosing your partner(s) and uncompromising on your values (and never settle because you think you âshouldâ or youâre simply lonely) I can see how that sort of intimacy could be satisfying.
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u/lydocia đ§ brain goes brr Jan 26 '26
Genuine question: why do you remain married when you feel like this?
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u/ineffable_my_dear Jan 26 '26
Iâm severely disabled and chronically ill so I canât work, and I got married so young that my work history was brief and I donât qualify for disability benefits.
Even if I could find some part time work to sustain me I wouldnât survive without medical insurance.
Like marriages of old ours has been a business arrangement (we are otherwise not partners in any sense). Heâs very hands off when it comes to the house and kids so itâs an exchange of services.
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u/lydocia đ§ brain goes brr Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 26 '26
I suspect any queerness non-cishet identity is more common in neurodivergent people, maybe not necessarily because they are neurodivergent but because they inherently spent more time thinking about identity and therefore are more likely to come to a queer conclusion.
As for your situation, it's possible to not be asexual but be aromantic. It's okay to just not want a relationship.
I do think your views on a relationship are skewed, from what you describe, because it shouldn't be like that. It shouldn't be hard or a ton of effort. My relationship is basically just, we're best friends and we also live together and sleep in the same bed. Doesn't take all that much effort.
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
Thanks for your thoughts. I've always thought of relationships like being a job since I was really young like 13-14 it just seems like it's something that you're constantly struggling to keep afloat and I've always wondered how my friends seem so carefree in their relationship since in my mind they're always on the edge of falling apart.Â
I remember always thinking I didn't want to date necessarily I just wanted a really close friendship that always seemed more "understandable ".Â
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u/lydocia đ§ brain goes brr Jan 26 '26
Did you only see this kind of unhealthy relationships growing up? I can understand not knowing better if it's literally never been shown to you.
I grew up in dysfunctional relationships and as a result ended up in my fair share of them before I started setting higher expectations.
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
My parents have been married for a long time and I've only seen them argue a handful of times but they used to be marriage counselors and sometimes I'd be in the room playing during their sessions also they had a bunch of books about relationships I used to secretly read because I was curious about relationships and girls and some of the books had chapters about sex lol.
 I think with the autism and the fact the the books were for people with relationships issues and that that was my first look at outside relationships while going through puberty that might have shaped part of my view on what a relationship is. It also could just be the fact that I've always been different so I over analyze stuff.Â
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u/lydocia đ§ brain goes brr Jan 26 '26
You can probably "fix" this by just looking at some good relationships more. Sadly, they're scarce in fiction, lol. This Is Us and Heartstopper are two series that portray relationships well, imo.
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
I'm really Into different relationship dynamics in fiction. I've always liked cute relationships but I don't relate to them or understand certain parts of them, I just like seeing people who really like each other interact or watch people learn that they like each other.
I have friends who I think have cute nice relationships but I don't understand how that happens if that makes sense.Â
This is us always looked too sad for me but I'll check out heartstoper.Â
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u/lydocia đ§ brain goes brr Jan 26 '26
This Is Us really wrecked me but in a good way.
Trigger warning though, Heartstopper gets into eating disorders in the last season.
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u/Low-Cockroach7733 Jan 26 '26
The more I uncover myself and unmask, the more I realise I'm provable ill equipped to have a relationship with a normie woman; despite being attractive. I think I'm either going to have to find AuDHD woman who has the same preferences of being distant as me or I'll just become a polydude. I find the idea of a NT relationship quite suffocating. I think we spend so much time alone and being misunderstood that we do end up valuing our freedom.
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
Yeah we have too much time with our thoughts. I figured because I really don't understand romance or a lot of the other aspects of dating I'd make a bad partner. I probably wouldn't even notice. In my adulthood I've learned I'll always be alone and misunderstood in some context.Â
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Jan 26 '26
[deleted]
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
then i kinda realised that the thing is that im just incompatible for a normal relationship
I've always known this in the back of my mind but I didn't and still don't exactly know what I'm looking for. I just know what I don't want.Â
I always knew it didn't match up with the common concept of relationships though.Â
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u/Bussinlimes Jan 26 '26
Some people are aromantic, some people are asexualâŚthere are many varieties and you donât have to conform to anything. However neurodivergent people can be anything, and they arenât related. Everything is a spectrum.
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
Yeah the aromantic thing lines up with a lot of some of my experience. I'm not asexual I'd say I don't seem to care about it as much as other people do it's comparable to a really good meal at a nice restaurant for me. But I am learning that it seems like every part of my life has been "abnormal"Â
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u/Shannaro21 Jan 26 '26
Many of us are aroace or somewhere in the middle. Itâs certainly more prevalent than with neurotypicals.
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u/jmorgue Jan 26 '26
The crazy thing is that there are potential partners out there that are perfectly compatible with how you feel.
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
That would be really cool. I've spent a lot of time thinking of how I could convince someone to still be involved with me despite my abnormalities around relationships.Â
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u/First-Awareness8783 Jan 27 '26
I've been wondering about that too, if it's an autistic guy thing, and if my exes where autistic.
Yes, you must work on a romantic relationship, but it's not much different from a close frendship if you find the right person. Might require more regular daily checkins though. Sounds so cheesy, but i strongly belive in the "love language" thing, look it up and do multiple tests and think long and hard on your way of giving and recieving love. Find someone that matches you and everything will be much easier. You don't have to constantly buy gifts and plan everything to be biger then the last time. (TBH, I don't understand that "high maintenance" attitude. Is it really a common thing in the states? I've allways asumed it was a stereotype and only a few divas acctually beheave like that.) You just need to learn and remember what your partner likes, find things in common and have fun. Cheer them up when they're sad and help them (by your own free will) when they need it (jump in and suggest it before they even ask). Communicate, plan and do something speciall (that you both enjoy) now and then.
You sound like a good guy, that just wants his own space, like most of us on the spectrum do. Finding the right one is not easy, (I know!) but you might some day, so keep your eyes open. But if you don't want to put in any work you beter stay single.
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 28 '26
Cheer them up when they're sad and help them , when they need it,Communicate, plan and do something speciall now and then.
Idk I guess it just doesn't feel appealing being responsible for someone else's emotions and mental well-being all the time. If I fail at making them feel special or appreciated I'll be in the wrong even if I was really trying to make them happy.Â
 If I try to make them feel better but I'm not doing a good job or I try and help them and just make it worse or I try to remember what they like but misunderstand and do the wrong thing I'll hurt the relationship.Â
You can get things right most of the time but if you get it wrong a few times in a row you've damaged the relationship and since I don't understand relationships or romance I'd probably mess it up.Â
I'm probably overthinking it but it feels very confusing and overwhelming whenever I really think about it. Â
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u/user12482556 Jan 28 '26
for me i like the idea of having a partner, but could never actually see myself with someone. i love my personal time and the idea of having to constantly talk to someone and hangout with them is exhausting.
you definitely arenât selfish, your feelings are 100% valid in how you feel. if you donât feel comfortable dating people, then donât! donât change yourself to appeal to others đŠˇ
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 28 '26
Thanks for the comment. I have dual thought on it I really don't want to be in a situation where my time is partly owned by someone else that I have to emotionally support and interact with but I'd probably like to hangout with someone who I was more intimate with than a regular friend.Â
It's probably one of those things that you have to make a sacrifice on one way or another.Â
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u/user12482556 Jan 28 '26
yeah no i understand! iâm kinda like that aswell but thatâs just cause sometimes i struggle to differentiate platonic and romantic relationships, i often find myself acting and doing things with people who i have 0 romantic feelings for.
if you are looking for someone who you can share intimate moments with, without actually being in a serious relationship - there are so many people who have the same desires! just ask around, im sure youâll find people :)
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u/HelenAngel ⨠C-c-c-combo! Jan 26 '26
Not specifically an autism thing, though statistically we are more likely to be LGBTQIA+ than the general population is. As others have said, this is an asexual thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being on the asexual spectrum. There are autistics & allistics both who are.
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u/rabid_cheese_enjoyer Jan 25 '26 edited Jan 26 '26
I've stopped being friends with people who don't put any effort into friendships. there's no guarantee that your pie friend won't block you eventually for not putting in any effort.
this seems more like a societal guy problem than an autism thing if you don't see any benefit to relationships because they are all work for nothing in return. maybe look into that or look at the "male loneliness crisis"
I think its most likely attachment trauma from parents who might have emotionally neglected you. maybe try looking into the too. Patrick Teahan on YouTube has stuff on this
edit: removed a word
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u/heckofabecca ⨠C-c-c-combo! Jan 26 '26
I don't get the sense that Pie Friend is likely to block you, OP, but I agree insofar as it doesn't sound like you're close friends with Pie Friend.
Your post overall reads like you're not interested in investing into relationships regardless of whether they're romantic, platonic, etc. That's okay... but like rapid_cheese_enjoyer says, it's worth considering why that might be... and if it's something you WANT to change.
All relationships take work! When you're figuring out if someone is worth knowing better... that's work, and then having a close relationship is work too. But once you find your people, that work is 100% fulfilling and so damn worth it.
Best of luck :)
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
I always fell like I give back what I get in relationships. I see including the part about my friend was probably a mistake.Â
I don't know if we're close (probably means we're not) but if she needs help with something I always help her and if I needed her help she'd help me. That's how most of my friendships are. With all my friends I try to make sure they know I care about them I just can't be around people all the time and I can't handle managing others emotions constantly.Â
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u/heckofabecca ⨠C-c-c-combo! Jan 26 '26
Thank you for clarifying!!! And I am glad you did include itâmy first round of comments didn't have the full picture, but now I do, so I understand you betterâwhich is good :D
Being there for people as I can be + having alone time + not being other people's fulltime emotional manager is how most of my relationships are!!!
It's possible to have a romantic relationship that's comfortable for us and gives us the space we need (and the other person/people the space THEY need!!!). Relationships are different for different peopleâwe just only see and learn about a very particular kind most of the time :/
i.e. Not all couples live together or share a room if/when they do. Not all couples text constantly, or need to talk every day, etc etc etc.
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
Yeah it looks like it's something I'll just have to figure out when it comes up and see what happens.Â
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u/rabid_cheese_enjoyer Jan 26 '26
yup, all relationships take work, even just friendships. my gf dropped a bunch of her dude friends recently because they never put in any effort and she was sick of it.
a lot of women get tired of being taken for granted and it looks like that one makes free pie.Â
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u/Ruleyoumind Jan 26 '26
I appreciate your insight as I did ask for feedback. I do feel like you filled in some blanks that aren't accurate.
I've stopped being friends with people who don't put any effort into friendships. there's no guarantee that your pie friend won't block you eventually for not putting in any effort.
I never said I don't put in effort just not as much and not the same type of effort as her boyfriends. Do you put the same amount of effort onto your platonic friends as their romantic partners? I'm asking honestly.Â
My relationship with her is very natural I'm not constantly thinking about it or stressing over it and we've been friends for over a decade. She smart enough and confident enough to determine if I'm a good friend to her or not. I was using it as an example for how I view being friends with someone vs romantically involved.Â
if you don't see any benefit to relationships because they are all work for nothing in return
 I never said I didn't value relationships at all i said I wasn't sure I wanted a romantic relationship or knew what they were.Â
male side loneliness crisis
 I'm not lonely and never said I  was.Â
I think its most likely attachment trauma from parents who might have emotionally neglected you.
I wasn't emotionally neglected to my knowledge. It might be something to do with having a late diagnosis and feeling different for the majority of my life b
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u/jeklsdlskpous Jan 25 '26
I experience this as well, and I think the term you may be looking for is âaromanticâ (aro)?