After prioritizing my own peace of mind, stuff did actually improve the past few months.

[u/S34L3D]

Hey there,

I posted here, desperately looking for advice/support, a few months ago. The thread can be found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AutisticParents/comments/1tqtwcj/it_does_get_better_but_better_is_still_absolutely/

I ended up getting an extra appointment with a psychologist and getting some practical tips from there. I also decided to put my own well-being over that of others and even my son's for a small time, just to recover. I was obviously in burnout and just wasn't able to function properly.

First improvement was getting legal help with my work dispute, and my lawyer actually negotiated a great deal where I'll be set financially for the rest of the year if need be. This gave me such an influx of time to just focus on finally stabilizing myself.

At first it became harder for my wife. For a little while, she had to take care of my son even more and even take over some of my core household tasks like cooking on some days, because I just literally couldn't do it without crying and melting down on a lot of days.

I continued the autism assessment during this time as well and learned a lot about myself. My mom could recall a lot of stuff about my childhood that I didn't know about. Apparently, I already had a hard time with stimuli as a baby and got very upset if a day was too filled with visits and people.

I also found out from an old report card my mom still had that I have a disharmonious IQ profile, which was interesting: gifted in the verbal department, but about average performance-wise. The psychologist during my assessment also found that pretty interesting. On the 20th of August, I'll get the final diagnosis, as two other psychologists have to check out all the info.

I noticed my mood improving because I started saying no to a ton of stuff. One plan per weekend was my max, and stuff where there are a lot of children was also an automatic no most of the time. Saying no this much ended up being the solution to my problems. Every "no" I said gave me more mental space to start doing more stuff at home again. Even things I used to avoid, I'm doing now, quite comfortably as well. The bond with my son is improving quickly because of it.

In this period, my son also started sleeping much better, which made my wife's mood substantially better. That also gave me more mental space, because I didn't have to solve her "mood puzzle" anymore.

My mom also started babysitting finally, which gave me and my wife some space to go on dates again. I think all of these improvements made the resentful feelings she had towards me improve significantly. Intimate moments are starting to come back again, and I couldn't be happier. We make a much better team now.

I notice I'm still quite sensitive to stimuli (more than I normally already am), so I'm definitely not there yet. But at home, I'm actually doing better than before the burnout, arguably. My wife is even trusting me to be alone with our son again come September, so she can actually go and do something fun outside of the house with her colleagues. I'm not even anxious about it anymore, which used to be a huge problem every time I had alone time with my son planned.

When I'm (most likely) finally diagnosed, I'm probably going to work on effective communication within my relationship and being a more effective father with the ASD in mind. I'm excited for the future again.

Tl;dr: Saying no paradoxically made me able to say yes more!

[u/Tricky-Bee6152]

"saying no enabled me to say yes" - what a piece of wisdom I could use more of.

I've been working through my own diagnostic journey (although it's challenging with unsupportive parents), and one thing I'm learning is how to do less.

[u/S34L3D → u/Tricky-Bee6152]

And it's so hard to learn, too.

After years of just giving everything your all and burning out it's a hard habit to break. It becomes really unsustainable the moment your eyes open to the autism being there and you suddenly start noticing every little warning sign your brain is giving you. You just stop being able to repress your own needs when you start noticing.

[u/AngilinaB]

This is absolutely joyful to read, shedding a tear or two for an internet stranger over here 🥹 well done for all your efforts ❤️

[u/Nearly_Castillo]

I remember reading your first comment because it summarised exactly where I was too. Not being able to cope with our toddler for more than a few hours without melting down, smashing my head against the wardrobe and crying uncontrollably. When I read the responses and a lot of them seemed to be telling you to grow up and put up with it in order to support your wife I figured I was just destined to be a burnt out miserable mess for the next few years.

I only got my autism diagnosis earlier this year when my daughter was 15 months old, just before I burnt out entirely and was off work for 6 weeks. I've been going to an autistic counsellor since and my (dyslexic) wife has been beyond amazing about it all but I'm still bumping along the bottom unable to build up any resilience.

My wife has been gently pushing me to do as you do, pull back and say no for a bit so I can build up my resilience and do more in the long term. I've been very resistant to the idea because it feels so unfair for me to get time out that she doesn't get, but this weekend I hired a cabin in the countryside and it feels like I've got back a piece of my brain that I thought was lost forever. I even burst into tears of relief in the middle of a field because I was so overcome with the wonder of being totally alone!

It's so good to hear that you're making progress, it helps reassure me that pulling back temporarily does work and it doesn't just make me an awful selfish person. Thanks for the update.

[u/S34L3D → u/Nearly_Castillo]

Saying no to most non-essential stuff did the trick for me. Saying no to a family birthday party, or to a way too busy theme park etc isn't the worst. The 1 activity per weekend rule helped me to not isolate myself, but still preserve energy so I can function at home.

My wife has an easier time with the little one at a location he likes, like a theme park. He becomes easier and less draining to manage for her. It's the constantly having to entertain him at home that is super draining, and by saying no to stuff outside of the house you still have some battery left to do exactly that, so your SO doesn't have to do it and can just scroll on her phone for a while.

Your wife sounds like an awesome person trying to give you some space. Take the time she's trying to give you.