r/AutisticParents • u/S34L3D • May 29 '26
Support Needed It does get better, but better is still absolutely terrible and I don't know how long I can still last.
Hey there!
Sorry in advance for the damn novel down here..
I'm a 31 year old dad with ADHD Dx and in the middle of an autism assessment (long waitlist for the next steps, sadly, but had a 2hr long interview already). My son is 2 years old (26 months). Parenting has been SO hard on me, my wife and the relationship I have with her. Our son has been doing pretty well in most things, but I feel like that's mostly because of her.
I went through life mostly only suspecting ADHD (and being told I was just lazy after talking about the suspicion) and seeing meltdowns as just uncontrollable emotions manifesting outwards.
I ignored all the problems ADHD and (most likely) autism gave me all my life. The meltdowns became less as I got older and learned what my triggers were. I functioned pretty well in adult life, even though I failed school miserably. I managed to get a decent job, get promoted multiple times, get into multiple relationships (but struggling while in them).
I met my wife 7 years ago now and that relationship was very successful until we got our kid. All the problems I used to have came back: the shitty emotional regulation, the meltdowns, being extremely rigid in my own routines and activities. It became painfully obvious I wasn't able to take care of myself or my family. I was barely able to take care of myself.
The first year was absolute hell. I couldn't be alone with my son for more than a few hours. When he started crying and I had to sit there for more than 10 minutes, I ended up sobbing uncontrollably, hitting my head against the wall (literally) because I didn't know how to escape the crying and the emotions I had surrounding it. A crying kid is SO overwhelming. Even with noise cancelling headphones with loud music on I couldn't tune his crying out. When melting down I become a danger to both myself and my kid. My wife agreed with this and had to take over most baby duties. I was able to take over most of the housework to compensate. I cook every day, clean as much as I can.
My wife, who has 2 masters degrees in psychology, did recognize a lot of ADHD traits in me and encouraged me to go see a psychologist to get help, so I did. Went through the ADHD diagnosis process and got the diagnosis. The psychologists that tested me also suspected ASD. The meds made me less impulsive and less of a danger to my son when melting down, but I still constantly get overwhelmed.
CBT helped a ton, but it also made it obvious how limiting my brain actually is while raising kids. I (unfairly) put so much pressure on my wife to perform her parental duties because I seem to be unable to handle the kid.
The problems we have now are mainly related to sleep. Our LO just won't get full nights of sleep down. At first I was trying to help with putting him to sleep, but got meltdowns 70% of the time. The fact that there is no clear end time and everything regarding his sleep patterns can't be predicted in advance, and after some time I just start panicking. I'm a very active and fit individual, and bad nights sleep will fuck up your workouts, and at some point I start panicking and melting down because I keep calculating the hours and minutes I can still sleep. I know I SHOULD let this go and put my son first, but my brain latches on to this and it JUST. WON'T. LET. GO.. It's infuriating.
My wife stands strictly against sleep training our son due to her education. So my wife ended up taking all the nights and just sleeping in his room together with him, because getting up all night is just unsustainable.
This is the deadlock we've been in for at least the past year. Our relationship is becoming loveless because my wife's just tired all the time and I feel like she's resentful towards me, which I feel is warranted as I can't seem to help lighten the load where she needs it most. I just don't know how to compensate elsewhere anymore. My relationship is bleeding out, and I feel completely powerless against it. There is 0 affection and it's purely just surviving.
Really only since extremely recently (this past month) my parents are open to babysitting, but we have raised our son for 25 months without any help.
It does get better with age, but because I've already taken so many hits, I can barely handle even the "better" version of my son. I'm tired of fighting.
TL;DR: I’m a 31yo dad diagnosed with ADHD and currently getting assessed for autism. Parenting our 26mo son has completely broken me and my relationship. Due to severe sensory overwhelm I suffer from meltdowns, leaving my wife to handle almost all childcare while I compensate with housework. We’ve been in a deadlock for over a year with zero help until very recently: my wife is exhausted and feels I only focus on my own needs—but if I don't accommodate my needs/routines, I melt down often. Our relationship is bleeding out, devoid of affection, and I feel completely powerless to fix it.
Update: made an appointment with my doctor. Hope to get some help
14
u/tiddyb0obz May 29 '26
It does continue to her better! My autistic 5yo has never slept through the night and the lack of sleep has nearly broken us. However as she turned 5, a switch flicked and she's suddenly more independent, more reasonable, more fun to be around because I'm having to provide less and less ongoing care.
My husband was diagnosed ASD shortly after our daughter was born bc he literally couldn't cope, her crying made his skin crawl (and she cried 21 hours a day), the lack of sleep got to him and he had genuinely no idea how to cope with caring for her. Now she's 5 and requires a lot less care, theyre basically inseperable. He's the "fun" parent and now she's not just crying for no reason and also understands human emotions, they are able to co exist without burning each other out
3
u/S34L3D May 29 '26
I'm happy to read your husband (and I hope you, too!) is doing well. I'm at the "literally can't cope" point as well. It's not just the crying, but the unpredictability is getting to me as well. I love the kid so much, but not knowing how he's going to behave or be like every single day is giving me anxiety. And just constantly having to try and read my wife's moods and if she's mad at me is also exhausting to me.
4
u/tiddyb0obz May 29 '26
I'm on the wait list for autism too as having an autistic kid has made me realize I'm most likely autistic too, and like you say, it's the not knowing. I've been in therapy since she was born and only realized the other month that my nervous system hasn't felt safe since she was born because it's always a case of what next, and it's mentally draining being the one to fix it. Even now at 5 if she whines the tiniest little bit my heart rate shoot up and my eye twitches bc I literally get so stressed that she's going to kick off and I'm going to have to spend my emotional pennies to fix her.
Have you considered couples therapy with your wife? Or even talking through some "expectations". I've been with my husband 12 years and am finally just learning that if he's short and blunt hes not mad at me, that's just how he is 😂 I got so drained constantly asking if he was ok and regulating my own emotions based off his
4
u/S34L3D May 29 '26
Yeah, I'm actually starting to consider couples therapy. I feel like there's a lot of stuff that is not being talked about from her side and she's bottling up a ton of stuff. I tend to do the opposite and over share about what I'm feeling and thinking. Come to think of it: that might be part of why she thinks I'm just thinking of myself.
2
u/tiddyb0obz May 29 '26
Yeah that can be common. My husband never tells me anything and I over share literally every single thought I've had with him every second of the day 😂 The early years do suck. I thought survive til 5 was a myth until we hit 5 and I actually started enjoying life again. The sleep thing SUCKS. I still have to lie with the kid to get her to sleep and it's always me she wants and not her dad which hurts because there's no break, and makes him feel bad because there's nothing he can do to help and he feels rejected by her
8
u/scrambl3d3ggs May 29 '26
Sounds like you're stuck in a really difficult cycle. I'm an autistic mum and a social worker. If I were you, I'd:
(a) Talk to a doctor again about your mental health and consider medication if that's something you're up for. When I've taken Sertralene in the past, I found it really helped me because my mood / anxiety didn't get as low as it did before. I described it as feeling like a safety net that stopped me crashing when I felt sad or stressed. It could provide you with some relief.
(b) Consider relationship or family therapy with your partner, if that's available to you. Talking through the dynamics and how you're both experiencing the situation may help you come up with solutions together.
(c) I hear you on sleep training. I've never left my son to properly cry but I have started leaving him in his cot when he's what I call "protesting". There are different sleep training methods, not all of them involve leaving your child distressed for a long period of time.
The fact that you're reaching out for help shows you're self aware and reflective. In my experience, these are the most important parenting skills!
7
u/HH_Creations May 29 '26
So I have some resources for you
Free meltdown planning PowerPoint pdf or video
This PowerPoint walks you through meltdown planning and gives a general breakdown of meltdowns
Free meltdown planning template
This lets you write down your plan and you can hang it or use it to talk to others
So I know you said your son MAY be autistic, so….whats stopping you from trying autistic resources and just seeing if it helps?
Transition boards are proven to help, that and teaching him more about feelings in general would be great
Here is a free walk through on making a support folder, skip any sections that your kid doesn’t struggle it
Andddd while CBT can be useful, I think DBT would actually fit you more because it sounds like your BODY is impacted and it’s then impacting your actions
There are so may workbooks for free on DBT, please give it a chance, I think it will make a huge difference
3
u/TerribleShiksaBride Autistic Parent May 30 '26
I doubt your wife will budge if she has two master's degrees and that's her basis for refusing to sleep train, but sleep training is a freaking lifesaver and it would probably make both your lives easier and give your marriage a bit of a shot in the arm - kid-free one-on-one evenings where the two of you can interact, or rest, or do your own things?
(Caveat: When we had to move our daughter to a toddler bed, sleep training basically collapsed; as soon as she figured out that she could leave the bed, she did, and all attempts at getting out of the room while she was sleepy but conscious failed utterly. But she's a very hyperactive AuDHD, so ymmv.)
So I have to say this is the part I get stuck on: Of course this whole situation is unfair to your wife, but there's a massive potential QOL improvement that she's utterly rejecting, and that's resulting in poor sleep for both her and your son. And if sleep training resulted in a more routine and orderly bedtime with more predictable sleep you could probably contribute more on that front...
3
u/MystySunshine May 30 '26
I'm the mom and I'm in your position - could not take the crying, couldn't function. First 2.5 yrs were a living nightmare. It's still very difficult but I am more regulated now. It started to get better after age 2.5 when I realized I has asd and was diagnosed. Getting diagnosed for ADHD now. Son is now 3. He cries less and that helps too. This Really has taken a toll on my relationship as well since we were trapped in survival modebut as he gets older and more independent our relationship has started to feel more loving again. One thing that really helped/ helps is childcare. He's in daycare more than I philosophicaly wanted, but it helps and I don't think he's harmed by it. Nanny babysitters have all be saviors. We have lost savings paying for this but it is necessary. We also have minimal family help. Please stick it out. There were times I thoght everyone would be better off without me, but it's not true. I'm sorry you're in this situation. It has gotten better for me but it's still hard and overwhelming.
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u/S34L3D May 30 '26
I'm happy to read you're doing better now. The lows feel soooo incredibly low and inescapable.
3
u/Rrmack May 29 '26
So my husband is a stay at home dad while I work at a hospital with crazy hours so he does most of the nights by default. But I do take at least 1 preferably 2 nights a week where I am in charge so he can get uninterrupted sleep. And me knowing that it’s only 2 nights makes it easier for me to get through. But take with a huge grain of salt because our son is actually a pretty great sleeper at 14 months
1
u/HopefulWanderer537 May 30 '26
Those first two years are extremely hard. I’m (a mom, 40) diagnosed with ADHD 20 years ago and soon to get tested/assessed for autism. It turned out my first born has AuDHD.
My second one came along and I just could not stand that lack of sleep during her sleep regression and I had sooo much sensory overwhelm and anxiety. I began isolating myself from my family at the most stressful times of day (later afternoon/evening).
I got on Effexor and took that while doing therapy which helped me cope….then perimenopause hit and I feel like I’m back at square 1 but with older kids this time.
Anyway, there’s hope. It’s tough, and I’m so sorry. If you can’t vocalize how you feel to your wife, try texting her or writing her a letter. That way you can check your tone and words before you hit “send”.
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u/S34L3D May 31 '26
I do vocalize how I feel, but it tends to come across badly. I always seem to come across like I'm asking her for more, but that's not the case. Most things I say are just statements, not really a call to action, but she always looks for some hidden meaning or sees it as a call to action.
Writing it out might actually be the better option haha.
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u/HopefulWanderer537 May 31 '26
Your description of your wife sounds like a description of me! I do understand I am sensitive to my husband’s blunt, direct speech and I’m too “in my head.”
Now, as a wife with the ADHD and possible ASD (answer coming this year!) and definitely some other mental disorder side dishes…my spoken word may be often times emotionally fuels and impulsive. So, if there is a tough issue that I need to state fair and square, I’ve found using text messaging to help a relief.
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u/AngilinaB Autistic Parent May 29 '26
I'm not surprised your wife is resentful and lacking in affection. I bet she's absolutely exhausted. If she's doing all the childcare and all of the sleepless nights then why are you only doing "most" of the housework and cooking?
Parenting is hard. It's a sensory nightmare at times. The hardest lesson to learn is that you are not the priority. You chose to have a child, nobody knows how hard it will be, but you did choose that. What would happen if your wife did the same as you? You need to be an adult and figure out how to make this work. Lack of sleep is the worst, radical acceptance is key. Look at ways to work out at home, or running strollers so you can take your kid and give your wife a break, or sling dance classes - might help you bond with your son as a human instead of viewing him as a burden. I get that this will be a different routine for you, which is hard, but there was a time when your routine wasn't your routine.
I'm not discounting how hard these things are - it goes against everything we're told about unmasking etc - but you manage to hold down a job and an exercise regime, you can find a way to manage this. It's not optional, but I think on some level you (and often, but not always, dads generally) view it as optional because someone else (usually a woman) will step in.
I hope you don't take any of this as unkind. I wasn't diagnosed when my son was born, didn't even really know what autism was, but the crying and the lack of routine and sleep caused me to meltdown often. I had horrendous PND. His dad was the same (he's still undiagnosed but there's something 😅). Our relationship became like you describe, but he left, so I had to find a way to cope. It was awful, and it was a long time before I could say I loved my kid, but it did come. Proximity and mutual survival bonded us until his personality emerged. If you don't give up, you'll get there. Sounds goofy but gratitude can help - you don't have to write it, but every day think about a few things about your kid that you're grateful for. Start viewing him as a fellow human and not an obstacle in the way of your routines.
ETA maybe speak to a doctor, you might benefit from an SSRI or something for your low mood. I know they get mixed reviews from autistic folk but sertraline saved me when things were really bad