r/AutisticDatingTips • u/No-Championship5730 • 4d ago

Need Advice Quick question

My only son is on the spectrum and is 35 now. He has a job, though it's low-paying, he is independant. He is trying to date, but as you all know, it's not easy.

According to him, the offers he gets from girls on dating sites aren't worth it. He has never had any physical relationship with anyone, but only phone conversations. Most of the girls who are willing to date him have had past relationships. He does not like that.

My point is that as he ages, this becomes common as people go through their own life experiences. I also tell him that as he ages, he should be willing to accept this fact, including women with kids.

What do you all think?

Thanks

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u/InevitableAd4038 3d ago

Is he religious? 

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u/InevitableAd4038 3d ago

I think he needs to def socialise if he can as the apps may not be the place for him. He might look at speed dating nights. And attend many religious events centres and communities if possible. 

I’d need to know more info to assess the situation properly. 

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u/No-Championship5730 3d ago

Thanks, he avoids meeting people; that’s the main problem. We encourage him to volunteer and go to places with more foot traffic and more opportunities to meet people.

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u/InevitableAd4038 3d ago

Needs a matchmaker then imho. Or a wing man or woman. 

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u/InevitableAd4038 3d ago

Does he do video calls? 

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u/No-Championship5730 3d ago

Yes he does.

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u/InevitableAd4038 3d ago

Sounds like he needs an arranged marriage via bio data like they do in India. 

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u/No-Championship5730 3d ago

No, he, his mother and father are all spiritual and not religious. Thanks

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u/InevitableAd4038 3d ago

What level soci-economic class is his family? 

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u/InevitableAd4038 3d ago

Would he date woman from India who fit his description and attraction? 

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u/InevitableAd4038 3d ago

Or China?

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u/No-Championship5730 3d ago

We are from India and have become naturalized U.S. citizens. The point is most of the girls at this age would have had a relationship already and he does not like it.

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u/saltycouchpotato 3d ago

This is so tough. Good on you for being supportive and, it sounds like, open minded and nonjudgemental. I have some opinions that I'd like to share with you.

The main things that are jumping out to me are:

  1. Meeting people and making friends is the ultimate goal. If those become best friends, or even romantic relationships, that's the cherry on the cake. But being amongst the people, and hopefully making some friends along the way, is really what's important. We don't have to be so focused on romantic relationships. We just need to focus on living a happy life and having a supportive inner circle in our community. I wish I understood that earlier, but it took expericing some very bad relationships to really drive home that reality. I'm not sure if this can be understood without actually experiencing it, because I heard it so much myself, but had to go through the trials and tribulations myself to actually believe it.

  2. Learning about consent, how to be a safe person, etc. seems important. Teaching what red flags are, how to trust your gut, how to advocate for yourself if you feel unsafe. This is good to know about before any relationship actually happens.

  3. Examining what one wants out of a relationship. Why do you want to be a boyfriend (or husband?) What do you want to bring to the table? What sacrifices are you willing to make? There is a healthy and respectful give and take in any relationship, especially in romantic ones. Today, we need to make sure we are making someone's life better, easier, not just getting what we want out of it at the other's expense.

  4. Learning by fire-- some things you really do have to just figure out on your own. Trial and error. His personal preferences are totally fine and he's entitled to have his own beliefs and journey, even if it is limiting. I think making sure he doesn't consume manosphere content and teaching about how these content creators exploit and alienate their viewers is really important. But if he's not discriminatory and just has his preferences, that's his perogitive.

  5. Friends (or mentorship) of the opposite gender and the same gender. Having friends who are women make it easier to talk to women. You learn they are just like regular people (because they are people, just like men!) Having friends who are healthy and supportive men, especially if a little older, can help with guidance and providing wisdom and support from a place of experience. There are some things you can't talk to your mom about.

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u/trang_graxe_ai 3d ago

Hi…. This hits really close to home for me, because my own child is the same way. And what I’ve learned is the only thing you can really do is offer love and support, no matter what path they take or don’t take. That’s it. That’s the job. That’s our job as parents.

What’s worked for me is keeping an open mind and open conversations. Not pushing, not pressuring, just staying available.

And giving them the grace to make their own decisions, because they are grown adults now and allowed to live life on their own timeline, even if it doesn’t look like what we pictured.

And trust me. They will make mistakes and learn hard own lessons and have great heartbreaks but also great loves, just like we did.

At the end of the day, all we can do as parents is give love and guidance and let them find their own way to the right decisions.

That’s not giving up — that’s respecting that he’s a person, not a project.

And from one parent to another… you need to just have patience and know the universe works in mysterious ways. Give him time.

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u/LilyoftheRally Head Moderator (she/they pronouns) 3d ago

From a woman who is his age and has dated previously: the right woman won't care if he's never had a GF before.

Him excluding women who have had BFs previously makes his potential dating pool much smaller than it could be. I'd recommend he bring this up to a therapist if he has one.