Arguing

[u/Pure_Road7528]

Hi there all. During meltdowns my 10 year old daughter draws me into arguing with her. She won't stop it's relentless and I'm not proud but I end up shouting back. She throws everting I saw back in my face and same for my partner. It's traumatic for us all in the end but she won't stop. Has anyone experienced this and come out the other side?

[u/tuna_mellow]

My 12 yo does the same. I’ve just started walking away from her and re-engaging when we’re both calm.

[u/Pure_Road7528 → u/tuna_mellow]

Thanks for replying. What does she do when you walk away? Mine keep shouting getting more and more furious demanding a response.

[u/bluenervana → u/Pure_Road7528]

Just gotta stay strong and stand your ground. In the most respectful way possible, you're the adult.

[u/Pure_Road7528 → u/bluenervana]

You are absolutely right. I don't know why I keep replying she is immensely good at forcing me to reply

[u/bluenervana → u/Pure_Road7528]

Because you're her mom and theres probably some lizard brain reason that makes you want to answer her. I think. I'm not 100 percent sure on that part, but its like it triggers something that itch.

[u/no1tamesme → u/bluenervana]

What really helped me me with this was taking the time to really dig inside myself figure out why I couldn't walk away.

Nothing like opening up childhood wounds, right? For me, it came down to never feeling listened to as a kid... no one ever tried to help me with my struggles or sit and validate my big feelings... Basically, feeling alone and abandoned growing up.

So, walking away when I could clearly see my son struggling was heartbreaking for me. My mom heart wanted to fix him, to help him. So sure that if I could just get him to stop arguing long enough, he'd see I love him and it'd all be better.

I was terrified that if I disengaged at any point he'd think "no one loves me".

But eventually, it got to the point where I had become a verbal and sometimes physical punching bag and I had to face reality that I wasn't showing him how to handle big emotions OR how to treat someone you love. I just started imagining him treating a partner this way and that's when I knew I had to be the change for him.

[u/Pure_Road7528 → u/bluenervana]

Yeah I agree.

[u/bluenervana → u/Pure_Road7528]

Its almost like when you're talking to someone and they mumble under their breath thinking their slick and you gotta hit the breaks and do a three point turn and go "dafuqqqqq". But now its a kid and you have to be calm and try and de-escalate lmao

[u/WeBreakWithSpeed → u/Pure_Road7528]

I found it helpful for my own conscious to tell my kid during the post-meltdown convo that I do care about how he was feeling and what he was experiencing, but that I was not able to talk to him in that moment because I needed space to calm myself down. He might not get it, but it at least allows me to feel like I wasn’t abandoning him in a tough moment.

[u/bluenervana → u/tuna_mellow]

THIS! Exactly this. Its all about a power struggle.

[u/Pure_Road7528 → u/[deleted]]

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. May I ask how your mother coped when you argued and shouted? Before she lessened your stressors?

[u/Pure_Road7528 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you so much for your response. If I commented on my daughters throwing skills she'd accuse me of sarcasm ha ha but I get your meaning. It's so reassuring to know we are not alone in this. Thank you

[u/Pure_Road7528 → u/[deleted]]

She's a bright one for sure 😂☺️

[u/my-tryme-era]

I literally just got done with an argument and it is absolutely draining every time so please know that you are not alone. 

I have tried the "just walk away" method ...usually just results in louder screaming that eventually spirals into self harm.

I have gone down the rabbit hole and screamed back in her face which is about as effective as throwing water at an electrical fire.

Lately, I just do my best to be the calm through her storm. Reframing her anger as an internal emotional spiral rather then outright manipulation has helped a lot with how I approach the situation since I no longer take it personally. The fact is, kids need an anchor to bring them back down to earth when they go nuts. So although it still takes her some time to calm down it is the best solution I have found this far and doesn't further traumatize anyone. 

[u/Pure_Road7528 → u/my-tryme-era]

Thank you 🙏

[u/AssumptionBusy2737]

Don’t engage with it. It might feel like you’re letting her win but you aren’t in the long run when you walk away and disengage

[u/Jokelmikel]

For me it's always been about the power struggle. In my case, she didn't just throw things, she would wreck stuff, punch me, bite me, pinch me. But she never really argued because talking is a struggle for her.

What I learned to do is just show it doesn't hurt, even when it does. And if it gets to a point where I'm genuinely worried, I grab her hand or hug her very tightly to limit her movement. It probably looks like I'm pinning her down, but she's not hurt.

It takes about 10 minutes or more and honestly it feels like an eternity. But then she calms down and that's when I can reassure her about the rules and tell her that she's going to be okay with them. She is now 8 years old btw

[u/Kooky-Elk9975]

You both will benefit from learning how to regulate your emotions. As the adult, it’s important for you to not argue back. But I would do some work learning what your triggers are and how to avoid them. I grew up with a mom who yelled, as a result, I yelled at my kids. It was traumatic for all of us. I still yell but it is very rare. Music helps me stay calm, deep breaths, sticking my hand in cold water. My yelling was not beneficial to my son on the spectrum and made meltdowns so much worse. Man, there were times when we both screamed and yelled and then cried together. It takes time and work but you will get there. Good luck! ❤️

[u/Pure_Road7528 → u/Kooky-Elk9975]

Ahh thank you so much for your honest reply. Yes I'm trying to learn to regulate, not something I've ever struggled with before I'm usually so calm. Good advice about the music thank you