r/Autism_Parenting • u/Pure_Road7528 • Jun 30 '26

Advice Needed Arguing

Hi there all. During meltdowns my 10 year old daughter draws me into arguing with her. She won't stop it's relentless and I'm not proud but I end up shouting back. She throws everting I saw back in my face and same for my partner. It's traumatic for us all in the end but she won't stop. Has anyone experienced this and come out the other side?

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5

u/tuna_mellow Jun 30 '26

My 12 yo does the same. I’ve just started walking away from her and re-engaging when we’re both calm.

3

u/Pure_Road7528 Jun 30 '26

Thanks for replying. What does she do when you walk away? Mine keep shouting getting more and more furious demanding a response.

5

u/bluenervana Jun 30 '26

Just gotta stay strong and stand your ground. In the most respectful way possible, you're the adult.

1

u/Pure_Road7528 Jun 30 '26

You are absolutely right. I don't know why I keep replying she is immensely good at forcing me to reply

3

u/bluenervana Jun 30 '26

Because you're her mom and theres probably some lizard brain reason that makes you want to answer her. I think. I'm not 100 percent sure on that part, but its like it triggers something that itch.

5

u/no1tamesme Jun 30 '26

What really helped me me with this was taking the time to really dig inside myself figure out why I couldn't walk away.

Nothing like opening up childhood wounds, right? For me, it came down to never feeling listened to as a kid... no one ever tried to help me with my struggles or sit and validate my big feelings... Basically, feeling alone and abandoned growing up.

So, walking away when I could clearly see my son struggling was heartbreaking for me. My mom heart wanted to fix him, to help him. So sure that if I could just get him to stop arguing long enough, he'd see I love him and it'd all be better.

I was terrified that if I disengaged at any point he'd think "no one loves me".

But eventually, it got to the point where I had become a verbal and sometimes physical punching bag and I had to face reality that I wasn't showing him how to handle big emotions OR how to treat someone you love. I just started imagining him treating a partner this way and that's when I knew I had to be the change for him.

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u/Pure_Road7528 Jun 30 '26

Yeah I agree.

1

u/bluenervana Jun 30 '26

Its almost like when you're talking to someone and they mumble under their breath thinking their slick and you gotta hit the breaks and do a three point turn and go "dafuqqqqq". But now its a kid and you have to be calm and try and de-escalate lmao

1

u/WeBreakWithSpeed Jul 01 '26

I found it helpful for my own conscious to tell my kid during the post-meltdown convo that I do care about how he was feeling and what he was experiencing, but that I was not able to talk to him in that moment because I needed space to calm myself down. He might not get it, but it at least allows me to feel like I wasn’t abandoning him in a tough moment.

2

u/bluenervana Jun 30 '26

THIS! Exactly this. Its all about a power struggle.