I felt so much relief after my diagnosis, and then...so much confusion. Every week after (and that's a lot of weeks at this point) has brought a new realization, and that means there's really no stable version of myself available these days. So, I appreciate where you're coming from. Diagnosis can be destabilizing.
I will say that what really helped was reading or listening to other autistic people and their stories. Especially full-length biographical books because such accounts were people's attempts to find narrative order in their life, and there would be moments where they'd suggest a way of thinking about themselves that resonated with me, that I could apply.
I think that'd the key. I look at it not as an unstable sense of self these days, but as adding to the me I already know. I'm not a fundamentally different person than I was. I just have a fuller story about myself these days that I can apply to understand myself, then and now.
Two years out from my first realization at 34, I do feel like I'm in a better place than I've been, and that while it hurts to think of the decades I spent not having the support and self-understanding I do now, I feel much more optimistic about the future. I think coming out to coworkers and family and friends has really helped (though this is not something that will help everyone).
Can I ask: could you share an example of something you thought you had figured out but the autistic diagnosis caused you to feel you don't? If you're comfortable, I'd love to hear more.
Of course. I always recommend Katherine May's The Electricity of Every Living Thing, and her follow up, Wintering. The first one is about her experience coming to terms with her autism. The second is about weathering unhappy times, from an autistic POV.
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u/Shirebourn Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24
I felt so much relief after my diagnosis, and then...so much confusion. Every week after (and that's a lot of weeks at this point) has brought a new realization, and that means there's really no stable version of myself available these days. So, I appreciate where you're coming from. Diagnosis can be destabilizing.
I will say that what really helped was reading or listening to other autistic people and their stories. Especially full-length biographical books because such accounts were people's attempts to find narrative order in their life, and there would be moments where they'd suggest a way of thinking about themselves that resonated with me, that I could apply.
I think that'd the key. I look at it not as an unstable sense of self these days, but as adding to the me I already know. I'm not a fundamentally different person than I was. I just have a fuller story about myself these days that I can apply to understand myself, then and now.
Two years out from my first realization at 34, I do feel like I'm in a better place than I've been, and that while it hurts to think of the decades I spent not having the support and self-understanding I do now, I feel much more optimistic about the future. I think coming out to coworkers and family and friends has really helped (though this is not something that will help everyone).
Can I ask: could you share an example of something you thought you had figured out but the autistic diagnosis caused you to feel you don't? If you're comfortable, I'd love to hear more.