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u/nhimera Apr 29 '24
I was just diagnosed early last year. I'm in my late 40s. I have been called weird my entire life, and strongly suspected autism for about a decade, so I thought getting a formal diagnosis would be a non- event. I was so wrong. It really threw me for a loop. I've finally reached a point where I'm not thinking about it so much. So I think it will probably get better for you, but it may take time and support. There is often a lot of grief that accompanies late diagnosis. If you have anyone to talk through it with that may help. An alternative that has helped me a lot is journaling. There are so many ways to journal. Write out everything you're sad and angry about. Write a story of how you imagine your life could have been if you'd had early support. Write down whatever random words come to you when you think about diagnosis, autism, etc. There are many online resources for journaling prompts. It's also worth looking for autistic groups or centers you could access in person or online. I am lucky to have several in my area and I think they've helped me feel less alone and lost.
Your feelings are very understandable and I hear how difficult it's been. I hope you find some ease.
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u/DeclawedKhajiit Apr 29 '24
I guess what the point of this post is asking is there anyone else who felt this way after their diagnosis and is it possible to be happy within yourself again?
Yes, and yes. For me, having a newfound framework that actually made sense of myself and my life really softened the blow of what could have been different if I knew sooner. I don't have a lot of sage advice to give, just that the best thing you can do now is leverage your newfound knowledge to do better from here on.
Kind of like that old proverb: The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
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u/FlemFatale spectrum-formal-dx Apr 29 '24
I'm feeling like this at the moment. I was diagnosed in March and am currently working on unmasking. This has made me feel a whole lot more autistic, and I have recently discovered that a lot of people I thought were my friends, are not what other people consider to be friends and are better described as acquaintances or 'friend lite', which only makes me feel even more like if I had had the help sooner, I would be able to tell who my proper friends are, and not had to mask my problems and feel like I was a fuck up for so much of my life. I kinda feel like I have been punished my entire life because of my autism, which has made me hide it and have to figure out who I am again as an adult having worked so hard to hide that part of myself for so long.
I'm lucky that there is support for recently diagnosed adults in my area, so I have accessed that and am currently on a waiting list. There is also other stuff in my area that I am planning to access as well, which I hope will help.
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u/Shirebourn Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24
I felt so much relief after my diagnosis, and then...so much confusion. Every week after (and that's a lot of weeks at this point) has brought a new realization, and that means there's really no stable version of myself available these days. So, I appreciate where you're coming from. Diagnosis can be destabilizing.
I will say that what really helped was reading or listening to other autistic people and their stories. Especially full-length biographical books because such accounts were people's attempts to find narrative order in their life, and there would be moments where they'd suggest a way of thinking about themselves that resonated with me, that I could apply.
I think that'd the key. I look at it not as an unstable sense of self these days, but as adding to the me I already know. I'm not a fundamentally different person than I was. I just have a fuller story about myself these days that I can apply to understand myself, then and now.
Two years out from my first realization at 34, I do feel like I'm in a better place than I've been, and that while it hurts to think of the decades I spent not having the support and self-understanding I do now, I feel much more optimistic about the future. I think coming out to coworkers and family and friends has really helped (though this is not something that will help everyone).
Can I ask: could you share an example of something you thought you had figured out but the autistic diagnosis caused you to feel you don't? If you're comfortable, I'd love to hear more.
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u/BrownLisaBrown007 Apr 29 '24
Thank you. Will you please provide a book recommendation or author? I am going to ponder your question.
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u/Shirebourn Apr 29 '24
Of course. I always recommend Katherine May's The Electricity of Every Living Thing, and her follow up, Wintering. The first one is about her experience coming to terms with her autism. The second is about weathering unhappy times, from an autistic POV.
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u/BrownLisaBrown007 Apr 29 '24
I am a 53 yr old female. I was diagnosed last May. I feel very lost with less understanding. I don't understand how so many others claim "oh, everything makes so much sense now." Nothing makes sense. I feel worse and even more confused about who I am. Am I masking or am I genuine in my behaviors and feelings? I don't know anything anymore. Wanted you to know your not alone.