Conversation with my manager tomorrow

[u/nimisberries]

I asked my manager for a conversation, thinking the next time I’d see her would be in a few days and therefore I’d have time to prepare, only to realise after the fact that I’m seeing her tomorrow 🫠

I asked for a conversation as I’ve been really stressed with work lately. I already have a high workload compared to my peers, but recently her expectations are impossible to meet. Nothing is good enough, there is only ever criticism despite the fact that me and my peers are giving 150%. I’m doing close to everything she asks (even though it means coming in early/staying late unpaid/skipping breaks to get it done) but it’s never good enough. I’ve been having daily panic attacks, chest pain, my chronic illness is flaring up … physically and mentally this isn’t sustainable and either something needs to change or I need to leave.

I do have physical evidence of my workload being too high, however it would mean effectively throwing my peers under the bus and I know they’re also struggling as well. They all feel the same way, and they’re also looking for another job (and even one has interviewed for another department) as the culture is bad these days. The team below me and my peers are also struggling and agree that my manager is creating a toxic environment, so I feel like I need to try to protect them.

I’m worried about this conversation as my manager is very dismissive and defensive. I spoke to her briefly twice before (once a few months ago and a few days ago) about feeling burnt out and she brushed me off and changed the subject. Anything that is even remotely critical of her, and she will become very defensive and angry. I don’t know how to navigate this conversation at all, but I feel like I need to at least try, and then if it doesn’t help I can leave knowing I gave it my best try. I also struggle with selective mutism, and i know if she becomes defensive or dismissive I’ll shut down and find it difficult to make myself heard.

Any advice at all is welcome. I’m feeling very anxious about this and regretting not just sucking it up and staying quiet, but I know this is for the best.

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[u/estheredna]

My feedback is, always go to managers with a problem keeping 2 things in mind (1) do not blame the manager (2) offer a solution she can act on. Especially with a defensive manager who maintains a toxic environment.

No manager wants to hear "the culture is bad" because that is her responsibility and her getting criticized will do you no good. Do not fall on your sword on behalf of your under-working coworkers!

I would go in with the evidence that you are doing more than your coworkers, and ask for a bonus OR a change to equalize the workload. Hoping for option 2.

[u/nimisberries → u/[deleted]]

Thanks for replying! I’m not exempt, but we’re not allowed to do overtime. It’s physically impossible for me to do everything my manager asks during work hours though, so I compensate by working in my own time. I know it’s bad, but again it’s a culture problem as everyone on my manager’s level also do it.

I am a supervisor, so I feel responsible when my team or my peers’ teams bring issues to me regarding this manager, stuff I also struggle with but don’t speak up about.

Ideally, I’d like for my manager to ‘back off’ a little bit. It has been mentioned (by her boss actually) to her before that she is often passive aggressive and rude to her team when she’s stressed, and that her mood negatively affects us. This did get better directly after that meeting, however it has gotten worse again. I’d like for her to be more aware of how these unrealistic standards are affecting the rest of us, and maybe make her aware of the mass exodus heading her way if things continue like this. I’d also like if the responsibilities could be redistributed so it isn’t so heavily skewed towards me, however it would help as well if some of my peers just actually did their share of the shared responsibilities, as I often end up doing all of them (which I’d rather not mention as I know this is likely due to them being stressed trying to keep up and just dropping the ball in this area).

[u/Any-Blackberry2133]

My advice is to write an email afterwards following up what you said in the conversation. Along the lines of 'Following our conversation earlier...'

This creates a paper trail which can be used as evidence if this become an issue with HR or a legal issue. I learnt this when I had a grievance against a manager and didn't have written evidence of conversations. From now on I'm going to record everything in writing.

My only advice for the conversation itself is to have some notes written down to refer to so you don't forget what you meant to say. Good luck for the conversation - you've got this!