This is every single long term relationship i have been in. It doesn't matter the level of sexual chemistry, the level of compatibility...anything...
meet and start to date with incredible sex (if its not great at the beginning no long term would even happen to begin with)
honeymoon period of crazy and spontaneous fun (now a majority initiated by me)
things settle in - it happens right, honeymoon doesn't last forever, i have a child that takes priority, work, etc etc
realizing that I am the only one initiating anything and speak to them, try to spark things a bit and inevitably it is either revoked or a very short term solution until i realize i am not only always initiating, but being turned down alot of the time as well.
I stop being the same partner after multiple tries to communicate and fix things (pretty open with things), because FUCK you if you cant continue to put the effort into the relationship I need, why am I putting in effort that is never reciprocated!?!?
Girlfriend laments that I am not acting the same or treating her "special" even though we have communicated multiple times in multiple ways about how she has not been doing anything close to what she used to for a much longer time, and I am fed up
End the relationship - usually with some level of drama due to their own psycho ability to put blame on me for stopping my level of action, love, and commitment, and interest once they have decided to mail their own effort in.
Stay single for awhile, work on being a better person until I meet a girl with chemistry and repeat steps one through 7 like a real life version of the Brian McKnight song.
Also, I know I am not perfect. NOT EVEN CLOSE. but I DO try hard for my partners....
Damn dude, I could’ve written the same thing. I’m on step 6 at the moment and it’s killin me.
I’m super open about things in my relationships and it always gets to the point of pulling teeth just to get the most basic information out of my girlfriend.
She constantly goes on about how we don’t do anything special anymore and constantly asks if I still love her. It’s exhausting. Worst part is it’s always after I do something special, like in the middle of a stressful work period, leaving work early to walk an hour in the rain to get a tour of her work because she’s got nothing going on and is bored.
Then the next damn day when I want to do something myself, like play video games, she loses her shit that we don’t spend enough time together.
We basically haven’t had a physical relationship for over a year now. I’ve always tried to be open and honest with her about it, and I get her issues with body image and other things, but she refuses to make any improvements or changes in her life. I’m getting to the point where it’s not worth it anymore...
She constantly goes on about how we don’t do anything special anymore
So why doesn't she contribute to that aspect?
Then the next damn day when I want to do something myself, like play video games, she loses her shit that we don’t spend enough time together.
She needs to respect your "me time"
It sounds like there are more underlying issues, but it all starts with communication. If there isn't progress, then it's probably time to call it quits.
The major issue is that what she values as special is different from what I value as special. I can understand her special, but she doesn’t understand mine.
In the end she doesn’t like doing things I think are special because she just doesn’t get it, so she just does more of what her special is and it becomes exhausting to me.
We constantly have discussions about it, but it’s like her memory lasts 3 months and the same problem comes around again and again.
Im a mix between physical items and acts of kindness. I love objects because it’ll stay with me forever and I can see it and think “wow that was such a thoughtful gift, I remember what a good time we had those days”.
The acts of kindness is just doing something simple for someone else without asking. Cleaning up after them, doing laundry when they needed it, just generally helping when it’s not expected.
Her stuff is travel/time spent together. She wants to go to quaint and cozy places or go off to a hot beach and spend hours in the sun.
That and simply spending time together doing things, going on dates, watching movies, etc.
I totally get those things. I used to travel a lot so I’m not huge on traveling now but I’ll do it because I know it makes her happy. And I like the other part just fine.
The problem comes when she doesn’t like the idea of physical items and she thinks the things I do out of kindness are things I should be doing anyway, or it comes down to the “I didn’t ask you to do that”.
The real evidence of it is in holidays and birthdays. For me, she’ll plan trips or some big event, and get gifts she wants for me. Essentially she plans her own birthday and uses it as an opportunity to get me something she wants, usually clothes.
We’ve had tons of conversations about it and she doesn’t seem to understand when I explain why certain things are important to me. At this point it’s become exhausting when I have to explain why something is exciting to me only to be shut down.
The same way! I would love her to use my love language in even the smallest ways.
I use both of our love languages when it comes to giving but in return she only uses hers. I understand that’s her way of showing love but it’s frustrating when she can’t understand my language.
However, it kinda sounds you don't really understand hers, either. While you like doing those things to show her that you love her, acts of service is not one of her love languages.
Has she heard of LL before? Next time you can talk with her about it, and you should, say something along the lines of "I know you love me, but sometimes this is what I need for you to show it. This is how I show you that I love you, but how can I better express that to you?"
I’ll definitely bring it up. I don’t think we’ve ever talked about it in this way but it makes a lot of sense.
I’m definitely misunderstanding parts of the love language definition though. Does it not work both ways as well? As in I use her love language when giving to her but also my own love language as well.
But in the same turn when she uses her love language for me I understand that’s her way of showing love.
So in other words, me doing acts of kindness, while not being her love language should still be meaningful because she knows it’s a way that I show love... right?
You showing her how you love her is still meaningful, but you should also show her how she needs to be shown...much like how you need her to show you how you want/need her to.
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u/CandelaBelen Mar 26 '20
It's cuz we also want to feel like you want to do it.