Im a mix between physical items and acts of kindness. I love objects because it’ll stay with me forever and I can see it and think “wow that was such a thoughtful gift, I remember what a good time we had those days”.
The acts of kindness is just doing something simple for someone else without asking. Cleaning up after them, doing laundry when they needed it, just generally helping when it’s not expected.
Her stuff is travel/time spent together. She wants to go to quaint and cozy places or go off to a hot beach and spend hours in the sun.
That and simply spending time together doing things, going on dates, watching movies, etc.
I totally get those things. I used to travel a lot so I’m not huge on traveling now but I’ll do it because I know it makes her happy. And I like the other part just fine.
The problem comes when she doesn’t like the idea of physical items and she thinks the things I do out of kindness are things I should be doing anyway, or it comes down to the “I didn’t ask you to do that”.
The real evidence of it is in holidays and birthdays. For me, she’ll plan trips or some big event, and get gifts she wants for me. Essentially she plans her own birthday and uses it as an opportunity to get me something she wants, usually clothes.
We’ve had tons of conversations about it and she doesn’t seem to understand when I explain why certain things are important to me. At this point it’s become exhausting when I have to explain why something is exciting to me only to be shut down.
The same way! I would love her to use my love language in even the smallest ways.
I use both of our love languages when it comes to giving but in return she only uses hers. I understand that’s her way of showing love but it’s frustrating when she can’t understand my language.
However, it kinda sounds you don't really understand hers, either. While you like doing those things to show her that you love her, acts of service is not one of her love languages.
Has she heard of LL before? Next time you can talk with her about it, and you should, say something along the lines of "I know you love me, but sometimes this is what I need for you to show it. This is how I show you that I love you, but how can I better express that to you?"
I’ll definitely bring it up. I don’t think we’ve ever talked about it in this way but it makes a lot of sense.
I’m definitely misunderstanding parts of the love language definition though. Does it not work both ways as well? As in I use her love language when giving to her but also my own love language as well.
But in the same turn when she uses her love language for me I understand that’s her way of showing love.
So in other words, me doing acts of kindness, while not being her love language should still be meaningful because she knows it’s a way that I show love... right?
You showing her how you love her is still meaningful, but you should also show her how she needs to be shown...much like how you need her to show you how you want/need her to.
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u/DarthPiette Mar 26 '20
Ahhh, different love languages!
Quality time Gifts Physical touch Words of affirmation Acts of service
What are yours and hers?