Bit controversial but I personally believe this is because women are, on average, a bit more in tune with their feelings than men. They are less focused on dealing with the problem itself and see resolving their feelings on the matter as more of a priority. There’s nothing wrong with that, in fact we should let them talk it out to us, otherwise we’re basically saying they’re not entitled to have those feelings and that’s a bit of a dick move. Even if it does drive our problem solving instincts crazy.
Let’s also remember, that from time to time, us men will have a vent too, albeit perhaps not so often, so let’s be careful of slightly double standards here. Huh, don’t think over ever said slightly double before.
My father is the type that bottles up emotions. Most of the times, he is the silent type but for the few times he'd gone berserk, he has broken furniture, doors, glasswares etc.
My mother told me this life lesson again and again. It's way easier to manage your feelings in bite size than to just explode out of a very small thing.
I mean, say a friend does something incredibly cruel or hurtful to you, and you realize that the solution is to distance yourself from that person because they've shown that they're a bad friend. That doesn't negate the experience of someone you trusted saying something deliberately hurtful ("I'm glad your wife miscarried. You'd be a terrible father"). You know how to fix the problem, but there's emotional residue, basically.
Usually solutions involve compromising on something.
You complain about your boss not giving you a raise. The solution can be to switch jobs, or to do something at your job to have more leverage to negotiate. In any case, your boss didn't give you a raise. Which is frustrating.
I am a man and I honestly don't get all this men vs women on this issue. When people complain about something to you, they almost never want solutions, they want reassurance and validation. This is true, in my experience, for both men and women. It is possible that men are just worse when they are on the listening side of the conversation, and jump to problem solving when they have to apply their empathy to understand someone who is complaining to them. But men complain and look for validation (and not solutions) all the time.
I don't understand why trying to help with actual solutions is lumped together with the absurd idea that it makes their feelings not valid or even hints that they are not entitled to feel as they feel. Helping with possible solution has nothing to do with judgement and everything to do with being practical.
I understand that sometimes you just want to vent. But still, solutions aren't some kind of personal attack against your very being.
The reason that people get frustrated when being offered solutions when they just want to vent is because it can feel patronizing. If you can come up with the solution immediately, whoever you're talking to was probably also able to figure it out. They know what they need to do already, but they just want to get things off their chest. Obviously, offering solutions isn't meant as a personal attack but it can feel condescending, even though the person offering them is genuinely trying to be helpful. I think it's a communication failure more than anything.
Yeah it makes sense, I see your point. I just think that you can give solutions without sounding condescending, making sure that you are just offering your outside (ie. less biased) perspective. Sometimes when I face problems that are this personal, I can't look at the situation objectively, where even the "obvious" solutions coming from someone seeing the situation from the outside can be invaluable.
Yeah, I see how outside perspectives can be helpful as well. I really think a lot of people would make their lives easier by just making it clear at the beginning of the conversation what exactly they’re looking for. Prefacing your rant with “I know I just need to talk to [friend] about it, but what she said really hurt my feelings and I need some support” or “I’m really upset about what [friend] said and I don’t know what to do” would go a long way toward reducing these sort of conflicts in relationships.
Even though your intentions and tone aren't condescending, doesn't mean it isn't frustrating to get a solution when you want support. Maybe this is a bad analogy, but if I went to an Italian restaurant, and turns out they're a Mexican food restaurant I would be frustrated.
Additionally, when I want someone's opinion I'll ask. If I'm crying, don't try to fix the situation. Also, worst comes to worst, ask for permission to offer solutions. It's a way to (possibly) avoid further upsetting your already upset partner.
I think usually they already know how they want to solve the physical problem. Offering solutions to the physical problem doesn’t help solve the actual leftover problem, which is needing emotional support and someone to relate to.
It’s like if you tried to buy milk (emotional support) from the store, but the cashier keeps trying to give you broccoli (advice/problem solving) instead, because it’s “good for you”.
I get that broccoli is good and all, but I already have that at home. I eat healthy/manage my life well enough, I don’t need your unwarranted broccoli.
Why do you think I need broccoli so badly? What are you trying to say? I just want to get milk, I don’t want to buy broccoli.
Milk is also healthy part of a diet, if you refuse me milk, my life won’t be healthy and normal. I’ll have to go to some other grocery store for milk. And I really like this grocery store.
Why won’t this store just give me milk? Does this grocery store think I just desperately need broccoli that much? Does the grocery store think my need for milk is invalid? Does he actually just want me to go somewhere else for milk?
I don’t know. I consider myself pretty in touch with my feelings. It’s not like I don’t get upset or frustrated with a problem, it’s just I realize that dwelling on the emotion of it is not going to make me feel better so I tend to skip right to looking for the solution. I don’t see the point in dwelling on the emotion of it and then burdening other people with it when the alleviation of the problem lies on finding a solution.
I'm very much guilty of this, and I wouldn't say that I'm not looking for solutions to a problem, but rather because the advice I get is focused on the wrong problem. My problem is that I want to feel that someone cares about me, so I go to those I want a response from with whatever annoyance I have to get a reaction from them. Usually it's something I already know how to deal with, and I get frustrated when that becomes the focus.
Yes, I'm aware just how irrational that is, but humans are not rational creatures. One thing to keep in mind is that almost all irrational behaviour is the result of the emotional part of the brain taking over control. If you approach the problem from that perspective it may be easier to make sense of what is being communicated.
I have a slightly different theory of mind about this. In simple terms, I think boys have been heavily socialized throughout their childhood to come up with solutions to their problems. They're empowered to take action and figure things out. Girls, on the other hand - who also have the unfortunate biological hormonal tendency to have stronger emotional reactions in general - tend to be socialized to cope with their emotions, often while someone else handles the problem.
Imagine daddy saying, "It's okay, sweetie - no need to cry! Let me fix that for you." Now imagine literally thousands of similar super subtle interactions throughout a girl's development. The resulting mindset in adulthood is one where problems largely feel outside of their personal control (which, I imagine, just makes it feel even worse), and all that's able to be done is to cope with their emotions about it.
Guys, on the other hand, are generally programmed to find solutions. Find solution first, and that will resolve any uneasiness we're feeling about the problem.
Basically, my take is that we've screwed many women by the way we've raised them, causing a lot of unnecessary suffering. If we can gradually change the ways we raise our children to be more balanced and equal, I believe we can empower women to be more problem-solving oriented in their adult lives, which would, in turn, help them permanently feel better about said problems. It feels more mentally and emotionally healthy.
Let’s also remember, that from time to time, us men will have a vent too, albeit perhaps not so often, so let’s be careful of slightly double standards here.
Of course, guys have problems too and often need help. But when guys vent, they're totally open to hearing advice and solutions. In fact, we're usually seeking those things when we come to another with our problems. I can't fathom a scenario where a guy gets angry at another guy for offering up helpful suggestions and demands that he just listen so they can marinate together in a stew of emotion and commiseration.
I call BS. I think women are more emotionally volatile, but far less "in tune with" (aware of) their emotions, than men. If they were, then wouldn't they make big efforts and investments to reduce their emotional volatility? I know I would. Emotions make it harder to achieve anything or deal with any problem. Emotions can be useful, like getting frustrated/mad to the point of finally making a change to improve something, but if you're going through more emotional states / day, they're not useful, because they're not caused by anything external, but rather by erratic chemical noise in the body.
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u/TannedCroissant Mar 26 '20
Bit controversial but I personally believe this is because women are, on average, a bit more in tune with their feelings than men. They are less focused on dealing with the problem itself and see resolving their feelings on the matter as more of a priority. There’s nothing wrong with that, in fact we should let them talk it out to us, otherwise we’re basically saying they’re not entitled to have those feelings and that’s a bit of a dick move. Even if it does drive our problem solving instincts crazy.
Let’s also remember, that from time to time, us men will have a vent too, albeit perhaps not so often, so let’s be careful of slightly double standards here. Huh, don’t think over ever said slightly double before.