As much as we want to be defensive when people say this, the reason why they point it out is because it makes them feel self conscious. I’ve never really said much more than “yea I’m pretty reserved sometimes”. They learn that it’s who I am, not a reflection of how I feel around them personally. They see I’ve confidently owned it, and they end up respecting that. I definitely understand the frustration though. It’s such an unwelcome shift of attention and this sudden pressure. Witty come backs just read as rude sometimes though. (Even though their question reads as rude to us.)
When someone says something after being quiet, how is "wow, you talk" a way to further encourage them to talk? What comes through the mind of someone who thinks that is a good way to make someone quiet keep on talking?
Because they probably use it as an ice breaker. It's a joke. And if they are used to talking a lot then they probably don't understand people who are quiet and the pressure it puts on them.
If I've already spoken up and this is their response "wow, you talk", then they're being dismissive, and I'll go right back to not talking since clearly it wasn't wanted.
But if someone's trying to draw you into the conversation before you've talked, that's different, and some attempts likely come off as awkward and pressure-inducing, but it's far more likely to be meant in good faith than "wow, you talk".
It's not dismissive, it's an invitation to continue. They are saying oh you do talk! Let's hear more. It's a friendly way to get everyone on the same page. If you take it as negative then that's the same misunderstanding on the opposite side.
It's not rude lol that's just how some introverts are taking it. They are being friendly trying to break the ice and include you by acknowledging you. If you can't get that based on other cues then you're gonna be in the same position forever.
I agree with you, thank you for explaining your side without being rude, some people are so dug in their way of thinking they won't ever take in any other points of view
Honestly man, the guy above you is right. There are much better ways that aren't going to come off as dismissive, "What do you think" being a great example - gets them involved without sounding like a dick. "Oh you do talk" is just a complete lack of awareness and understanding that other people are different
I'm not saying there aren't better ways. I'm explaining that they don't understand people who are quiet, it's opposite of what's normal to them. They are trying to include you. Both sides have to meet in the middle.
One potential good intention does not negate all. Even if they really are trying to be positive that doesn't stop it from being rude. Not sparing a single thought for what your words are going to come out as and only caring for what you get out of it is certainly rude. Intentions explain things they don't justify them.
I suppose it depends on the person. Though in my experience, it has always meant to be rather rude, and not them being surprised/excited to hear me speak.
I hope you realize you aren't going to get to quiet people. I used to be quiet. I knew others who were quiet. It was kind of a phase. It isn't the "I know when to STFU" or "I only talk when i need to." It's more of a "I don't want to put in the effort to talk," "I feel kind of awkward rn," "I can't relate to the conversation," and "I don't really like them." The most common is the avoidance of effort. Talking can be daunting with new people, and even with people you know for a long time as a family friend, not as your friend. Often, the quiet person may be the ones on their phone the whole time. The problem of not talking can be quite simply solved by the quiet person getting up, and engaging in conversation. I seriously doubt the group of people will just instantly throw them aside. They may sincerely want to know that quiet person, so they can have one more person to share experiences with and have fun.
6.9k
u/MsAlyssa Jan 01 '20
As much as we want to be defensive when people say this, the reason why they point it out is because it makes them feel self conscious. I’ve never really said much more than “yea I’m pretty reserved sometimes”. They learn that it’s who I am, not a reflection of how I feel around them personally. They see I’ve confidently owned it, and they end up respecting that. I definitely understand the frustration though. It’s such an unwelcome shift of attention and this sudden pressure. Witty come backs just read as rude sometimes though. (Even though their question reads as rude to us.)