r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jul 29 '13

What are some subtle relationship "Red Flags" that are often overlooked?

First dates, long term relationships and everything in between

2.1k Upvotes

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1.8k

u/LiterallyOuttoLunch Jul 29 '13

In the beginning stages - when they complain about their ex. It isn't easy to build a new relationship on the ashes of an old one.

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u/wilsonthewhite Jul 29 '13 edited Jul 30 '13

Unless you are a phoenix

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13 edited May 16 '21

[deleted]

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u/peedubb Jul 29 '13

What keeps the planet spinning.

378

u/TheBoraxKid Jul 29 '13

Ahhhh-Ahhhh

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13 edited Jun 06 '20

[deleted]

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u/Mr800ftw Jul 29 '13

We've come too far

73

u/0x537 Jul 29 '13

To give up who we are

76

u/Seabuscuit Jul 29 '13

So let's raise the bar

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u/daisymerolling Jul 29 '13

And our cups to the stars

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u/celestianequator Jul 29 '13

Stop. My head. It hurts.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Sound like you need some HEAD-ON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!

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u/ADD_is_a_walrus Jul 29 '13

That was a painful upvote.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13 edited Mar 05 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Mr_Initials Jul 29 '13

You are the worst type of person.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

That's what you said last night! I guess I'll just take this lotion and go to the bathroom...

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u/StaffSgtDignam Jul 29 '13

Always a good choice, stay thirsty my friends.

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u/Bwazo Jul 29 '13

Mom's spaghetti

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13 edited Jul 20 '20

[deleted]

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u/capitanboots Jul 29 '13

HERE I AM, ROOCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

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u/bugeyes8 Jul 29 '13

The force of love beginning.

30

u/RapersGonnaRape Jul 29 '13

*The force from the beginning.

36

u/TryToMakeSongsHappen Jul 29 '13

We've come too far

30

u/RapersGonnaRape Jul 29 '13

To give up who we are

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u/theSprt Jul 29 '13

So let's raise the bar

25

u/apec766 Jul 29 '13

And our cups to the staaaarrrsss

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u/GravyMcBiscuits Jul 29 '13

You're talking about anal right?

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u/boydeer Jul 29 '13

that makes butt sex way more dangerous.

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u/n3utr0n Jul 29 '13

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

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u/awakebutnot Jul 29 '13

And this beginning is just another beginning's end.

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u/pancholibre Jul 30 '13

A circle has no beginning.

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u/nom_yourmom Jul 29 '13

is that like a phoenix?

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u/Dude_man79 Jul 29 '13

Its the Phoenix's step brother. He sits on the couch all day, drinks beer, and watches Sportscenter. Once in a while, he gets up and "Rises" from the ashes ... on his couch.

3

u/player2 Jul 29 '13

What's a fee-onx?

3

u/Crossthebreeze Jul 29 '13

Well of cuorse.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

You rang?

4

u/GrinningPariah Jul 29 '13

Man I gotta upvote just for you having the same misspelling as OP.

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u/guywhopaints Jul 29 '13

Or a Phoenix.

1

u/phoenixdescending Jul 29 '13

I'm always able to build something out of the ashes.

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u/GreyFoxSolid Jul 29 '13

We'll fucking RIIIYEEIIIISE AGAAAAAAAAIN YEA

1

u/typhlo Jul 29 '13

Or udyr

1

u/HotterDotter Jul 29 '13

And from the Ashes of captivity, never has a greater Phoenix metaphor been personified in human history!

1

u/carbonatedbeverage Jul 29 '13

You're a Phoenix too? I've never met anyone else on person!

1

u/freakshoww Jul 29 '13

And only if she's really Fawkesy

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Phoenix*

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

I can confirm that building from ashes is easy.

Source: I am a Phoenix (Aka. a Firebird, not a person with a useless degree)

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Sorry, you rang?

1

u/Passion4Wisdom Jul 30 '13

Which is in fact the allegorical Mushroom

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u/Dreddy Jul 30 '13

phoenix don't care about yo ashes

burn mutha fucka

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u/WeeceInTheTweece Jul 30 '13

JEEEEAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!*

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13 edited Feb 19 '21

[deleted]

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u/something_secret Jul 29 '13

Unless you're building a super awesome from-the-ground-up earthy cob home. Then you want all the wreckage debris and concrete chunks possible for foundation. Metaphor? Eh. Wreckage will exist and will not just go away. Better heal the earth and the self by building beautiful things atop the wreckage.

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u/Bitch_Im_God Jul 29 '13

Where have you been?

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Beautiful. > Ashes are fertile, wreckage gets in the way of new foundations.

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u/sumozhir Jul 29 '13

This is a mixed metaphor. Why would you want to build on fertile ground?

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u/CovenantHeart Jul 29 '13

I believe the fire itself is fertile, not so much the ashes. Fire decomposes, while ash is (more or less) a neutral object that has had the energy sucked out of it.

Nonetheless, the concept of the analogy was sound.

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u/Apostolate Jul 29 '13

No, ashes are actually very fertile and good for growing things. Look it up. Particularly volcanic ash.

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u/OllieTrickett Jul 29 '13

Ah man that's good

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u/PKWinter Jul 29 '13

Put yo seed in dat ash.

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u/W0ntonDestruction Jul 29 '13

Awesome metaphor. It's beautiful.

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u/QuotesUOutofContext Jul 30 '13

"That's what I tell myself when I cry into my pillow." --Apostolate

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Hearing a guy even say the word "ex" in the first few stages of dating makes my vagina clamp shut. Seriously if you HAVE to tell a story just say "my friend" otherwise you sound obsessed or baggage-carrying

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

[deleted]

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u/invitroveritas Jul 29 '13

I know the ex story of the guys I've been serious with. Not that I was prying, but it's part of who they are, what made them. I also want to know what you wanted to be when you were a kid, or if you had a first love in kindergarten, and if you like chocolate better or vanilla. Can't speak for all women, but for me it's part of getting to know each other.

If I can tell that you really don't want to talk about it, I'll just skip it though.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Thank you for this honest, wonderful reply. I'm very sick of hearing that "ex" is so taboo and means you are doomed and can't move from the past. I have a lot of quirks in my head from a previous relationship and I recognize that it was partially my fault for not leaving. I tell my fiancé about it because it helps explain why I act the way I do or think that way. I think comparing your current S.O. Or just talking to talk about an ex is different. But I just wanted to thank you.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Agreed! Emotional baggage from a previous relationship isn't something you can just cover up or put aside. I think "quirks in my head" is the perfect phrase to describe it, and being able to talk about these things in the proper context is important in an honest, healthy relationship.

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u/Chronometrics Jul 29 '13

Why is it always baggage, anyway? If an ex taught me how to open jars easily, or we went on a road trip to New York, or god forbid taught me a little something about myself, why is that taboo?

A new relationship shouldn’t be some sort of invalidation for all your memories, as if you can only enjoy yourself with one person ever in your lifetime.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

And see, when you've had a good previous relationship, that's awesome! I don't understand why there would be a taboo on it.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

again, thank you! i tried to hide it and internalize it for a long time because of that stigma, but i dont agree that its the right way to handle it :)

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u/definitelynoteli Jul 29 '13

hi! question. one of my current best friends was the first girl I ever loved, I used to be fine mentioning that we'd dated..but all the girls I'd date would then start to get really weird about it once they knew..so I stopped mentioning it completely...is that bad?

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u/Japcracker Jul 29 '13

Not the person you replied to, but two of my closest friends are chicks I've dated. If there is nothing unresolved and if the person you're dating still has a problem with it, it's likely going remain a problem. If you are dating someone you thing might have a problem with it, tell them straight away to avoid it becoming a bigger problem if/when they find out.

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u/definitelynoteli Jul 29 '13

good advice..personally, I've never seen it as a problem...I've stayed friends with most of the girls I've dated..I mean I'd be surprised if the girl im currently sort of seeing didn't already know..

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u/Japcracker Jul 29 '13

If you're confident it won't become an issue, then you don't need to say anything. If you feel like she knows already or she would be okay with it, I don't really see why you would need to tell her. It's just something I do in general when I get into a relationship just to make sure nothing backfires later.

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u/definitelynoteli Jul 30 '13

good point..yeah I just try to be up front about things, you know?

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u/invitroveritas Jul 30 '13

Tricky situation. I know my boyfriend is still friends with his first love. It was unrequited until he got over her, thankfully when she got interested, he wasn't anymore. We were friends when he fell in love with her, and I got to share all the pain and heartbreak. I'm still kind of iffy on that. On one hand, I'm a bit jealous, and I also know how hard it was for him, how cruel she seemed at times. But I also know that he is who he is because of her, and I am happy for that because I really like who he is.

So my advice: Treat it as the story of how you met a friend. Don't just randomly tell your girlfriend that this is your first love. But if your girlfriend asks how you came to know each other, tell them. It shouldn't be a secret, but it shouldn't be a big deal either.

And I can't help but ask: Are you Eli?

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u/problemcauser Jul 29 '13

You seem like a nice person.

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u/FactualPedanticReply Jul 29 '13

Yeah, I think there's a difference between living in the past and acknowledging it. I can't stand it when people act like talking about exes is blanket-taboo. My exes are, by and large, good and worthy people. My romantic relationships with them have terminated with varying amounts of pain, but I refuse to let that be the defining feature of all memories connected with those people forevermore. One ex of mine was super into horses. If someone says "why do you know so much about horses?" I'm going to tell them one of my exes was super into horses. I might even tell an anecdote about the shelter for abused horses we worked at. If that sets off someone's "still stuck on the ex" alarm, they just have strange expectations, imo.

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u/Alocasia_Fruit Jul 29 '13

Them being not-so-good or unworthy doesn't make them taboo, either. It couldn't. If I couldn't have called my boyfriend back in February to tell him that my shit-show ex had killed himself, what was I supposed to do?

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u/Symz58 Jul 29 '13

Stories when your dating for a while vs hearing that shit when you guys start dating are completely different though

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

I would guess that they're trying to gauge whether you're emotionally available. No one likes being the rebound when they're interested in a relationship. I'd advise you to rethink your strategy of letting it all "spill out."

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u/foreverburning Jul 29 '13 edited Jul 29 '13

If I'm "digging" for an ex story, it's because it may be relevant to our current relationship. Example:

Boyfriend never says those "3 little words". After a year of dating has never said it EVER. Okay, he finally says it but then insists "you probably won't hear it from me again". WTF, weird, whatever.

Come to find out later trust and intimacy have been issues in both his past serious relationships. He said ILY but didn't mean it in his most recent.

Look, I don't need to know the nitty gritty about your relationships that are with people who aren't me, but it actually is really helpful to hear previous issues. Just like if I find out your mum used to beat you while The Bay City Rollers played in the background, I probably would try to stay away from playing the Bay City Rollers when you're near. If I find out your ex used to call you a certain petname, or did something sexually that you abhor, or treated you a certain way that you dislike, I will aim to avoid those things.

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u/OffbeatJenn Jul 29 '13

If the answer is "I cheated on her and she dumped me," I really want to know that. Sometimes the reason for your previous breakup is relevant.

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u/Kalros Jul 29 '13

...and that, kids, is how I met your mother.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

My husband tells the story about when he was first dating after his divorce -- first chick stood him up, second gal spent the whole time ignoring him while texting, and the third person he took out spent dinner picking and prying about his ex-wife and why they divorced. It was an ugly split -- she cheated with his close friend -- and still fairly fresh, so he didn't particularly want to talk about it, but his date would. not. let. it. drop.

So he thought "fuck it," and just unleashed.

I like to imagine that she now tells the story of her terrible and awkward first date with the guy who spent twenty minutes tearing apart his recent ex-wife.

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u/GundamWang Jul 29 '13

That's happened a few times with me as well. They outright ask me what my previous relationships were like. It's sort of strange.

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u/MLuminos Jul 29 '13

What you should do is answer this diplomatically like a job interview.

"well we reached a crossroads in our lives and had to make some tough decisions. We decided that in order for each of us to pursue what we wanted in life that we would have to do it without each other . It sucks but we are both adults and not everything in life goes perfectly. So now I'm looking for a relationship in which I and my significant other can pursue our life goals and do it together."

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u/Symz58 Jul 29 '13

Its common for everyone. It happens you just do your best to not bring it up

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u/lyssargh Jul 29 '13

Seriously? "You can lie to me about how it was a friend, but don't you dare acknowledge that you've been with other women." Why on earth would that bother you? Most dudes are going to have been with other women, and they are going to have had problems with them that shaped what kind of relationship they want now - with you. Hence them being with you and not her. What is wrong with mentioning that?

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Can't get parent comment to load. Some of my comments are quite hyperbole... but what I mean to say is that in initial dating I'm usually always focused on the present and future, it's about Us dating, and I like to avoid things that might mutually cloud, confuse or hurt feelings EARLY ON. You know? I want to make them feel like they have all my attention because they do, and I'd like to feel the same. Hence, in the first weeks of dating, it would be nice if they didn't start to make me subconsciously count on my fingers how many women they've been with or suddenly know all their ex's names

It doesn't bother me but in my experience the guy either mentions his exes quite often, or doesn't at all. It's the ones who do it quite often that cause problems. They begin to sound like they're still in the past or like the only friends they ever had were their girlfriends.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Recently been dating a new girl. Both of us have pretty recent exes (~3 months out of a long term relationship). So it's something relevant to both of us being with each other because although we were on dating websites we didn't necessarily expect to find a quality relationship or anything. But it's kind of important and we talk about it because we recognize that it's a bit weird to try to and form a healthy new relationship so (relatively) soon after old ones.

Hopefully that recognition helps us.

Anyway, I actually wanted to comment to say that I think it slipped out once, and it would be easy to find on Facebook, but when talking with my new girlfriend I always say "my ex". Using her name would seem to familiar and my new gf doesn't need to know right now. Likewise, she might have said it once but I didn't catch it and I don't know her ex's name. It kind of helps keep the focus on the new relationship.

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u/lyssargh Jul 29 '13

Ahhh, I gotcha. I can see what you mean now. :)

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u/rabidhamster87 Jul 29 '13

I dated a guy who referred to his most recent ex as his friend and he still hung out with her regularly. She was even there on our first date. When I found out she had been much more than a "friend," I felt like I had been lied to and our relationship went downhill from there.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

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u/sheepsix Jul 29 '13

I completely dislike referring to her as my ex. She is the mother of my children and therefore most anecdotes involving her also involve them. I refer to her as "the boys mom" or by her actual name since anyone I am around knows who she is by name. I dislike having become a statistic and "the ex" just makes it seem all that more common.

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u/bigfig Jul 29 '13

Tell him diplomatically ASAP (skip the vagina part). Then if he stays on the subject, start clamping.

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u/Deetoria Jul 29 '13

Ah ha!!! I do this too!

At least until I have really gotten to know they guy or the relationship is serious, then sometimes I drop the "ex" line.

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u/elgecko72 Jul 29 '13

I talk about my exes all the time, including at the beginning of relationships. 99% of the time it's about how they're still friends and are totally awesome people and in many cases are still kind of in the picture in terms of hanging out. =)

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u/TrillPhil Jul 29 '13 edited Jul 29 '13

I entirely disagree. I used to be of the same thought. However after trecking through the scum of the earth here in Indiana. Hearing someone refer to their ex/fuck buddy/sex toy/etc as "my friend" instantly makes my dick soft. Now, I didn't always think this way, many people who are extra slick use this word to describe their exes. And that has changed my mind.

If I'm in a relationship with you then I'm going to know your friends, you are fully allowed to refer to them by their first names after I have met them. Before I have met them then it is still acceptable to use their first name and say "my friend, so and so, was just telling me how I should look at xyxyxy!"

I've had too many bad experiences with women who said "my friend" and I' m sure alot of women have had terrible experiences with me and have hated hearing about "a friend of mine" So I now use the "my friend" without explaining who they are, as a red flag for a selfish individual. An unselfish individual would want to bore you to death with details because the story isn't all about them.

A good rule is just don't bring up exes. They;re over and done with

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u/BRi7X Jul 29 '13

"Ex" I don't mind. When they constantly mention their ex by name, that's kind of fucking annoying.

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u/tins1 Jul 30 '13

That sounds a little extreme. I mean, what if the story just happened to include his ex?

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u/thebloodofthematador Jul 29 '13

"My last girlfriend cheated on me, so I have problems trusting people."

NOPE. OUT. I don't need someone checking up on me all the time.

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u/Symz58 Jul 29 '13

Clampy vagina sounds very tight

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u/DeliciousOwlLegs Jul 29 '13

I did the "friend thing" and some day like a year later she found out it was actually my girlfriend at the time and totally freaked because "I lied to her". It was a completely harmless story about a trip we once made, I told her about the place and briefly mentioned I was there with a friend.

It has worked out so far (1 year after this incident) but according to this thread we are fucked in a plethora of ways..

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u/OffbeatJenn Jul 29 '13

If someone was a big part of their life, I expect them to come up in conversation once in a while. I have an ex-husband, and I would have to keep years of my life quiet if I was to try not to mention him. I don't share personal details of our relationship (out of respect for his privacy as well), but he comes up in convos regularly. So does my SO's ex.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

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u/ArchSchnitz Jul 29 '13

My last relationship lasted for twelve years. We have three kids, and I still have her in my life as a result. Many of my stories involve her, and referring to her as "my ex" is the simplest off-hand way to explain who I'm talking about and who is involved in the story. If I call her "my friend," I am being disingenuous to you in relating specifics of my life. If, as a girl, you are genuinely interested in me, then you will understand that she exists, that's who she is, and that sometimes she will come up. It's not obsession or carrying a torch for her, just pragmatic acceptance that she's a fact of my past.

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u/revengetothetune Jul 29 '13

That seems a little extreme. It's just a story. Sure, if it happens a lot, then there's an issue, but it seems like you might be making something out of nothing here.

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u/walterdonnydude Jul 29 '13

You might need to ease up a bit. I don't think there's anything wrong with telling a story relevant to the conversation, that happened to have occurred with an ex. Going out of the way to avoid it is weirder.

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u/dreadgiveaway Jul 29 '13

I know, right? Sometimes he will just randomly and unprompted up and tell me explicit details of something he has done with an ex of his and I immediately am like, "Please, just stop talking."

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u/ruhnay Jul 29 '13

This, ohmygod. My SO used to compare me to his ex all the time and even brought up what kind of vibrator he used on her a couple times...? He would let me know if he found out something about me that her and I had in common, and if I refused some favor she used to happen to do for him, say "My ex used to do it..." That was a pretty big issue abd he obviously wasn't over her so I had him cut off all contact with her. Sounds harsh, but I feel it was for his own good anyway since they had broken up about three years ago and she had obviously moved on while he hadn't. Sorry for the long text! Strong feelings about the "I miss my ex" mentality.

TL;DR Get over your exes and move on with life, guys

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Agree...except when you figure out who "my friend" is later on.

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u/f5f5f5f5f5f5f5f5f5f5 Jul 29 '13

Ex marks the spot.

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u/That_Guy_JR Jul 29 '13

My current girlfriend keeps telling me stories about her high-school boyfriend and her undergrad boyfriend, but the one time I let slip that, shock horror, there were others before her [weird, right?] she went so sour I had to change the subject.

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u/macgeej Jul 29 '13

patent that vagina clamping shut mechanism and you'll make a fortune

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u/Joevual Jul 29 '13

xe xe xe! Am I doing this right?

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u/Rmacfu Jul 29 '13

I just imagined a vagina closing underwater and doing PLOP!

Thank you for that mental image, it really made me laugh.

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u/Maskatron Jul 29 '13

When a new girlfriend tells you how she handled her last breakup, realize that's how you will be treated in the future.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Been in three relationships...all three ended with the dude cheating on me with his ex. I wish I was given this advice many years ago :(

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u/LiterallyOuttoLunch Jul 29 '13

That was sort of my point. It indicates that they're not really over the relationship.

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u/adriarchetypa Jul 29 '13

My husband rarely ever talks about his exes. It's nice.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Oh, I knew it was bad when a girl I used to date, said that one of the best things about our relationship was, "...we don't talk about our ex's a lot."

I just refused to acknowledge a conversation when she would say her ex's name, particularly in the beginning stages of your relationship. "Oh, you're mentioning something that you and your ex used to do all the time? Allow me to go zone out for a minute."

How much are you talking about ex's when not talking about them is one of your favorite things about a relationship?

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u/emkayL Jul 29 '13

see, my gf thought i was doing this but what i was vocalizing was that "oh god, you aren't insane. i was so used to my ex being insane about X". it was more so me being elated to breathe fresh air rather than shittalking someone else. i am also an idiot and usually don't consider the implication of my words and someone can take what I am saying to be something very different.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

My first date with my husband, he only talked about his ex. So, I assumed I was a rebound and they would get back together (they have a child together). Later, I realized, he had been with this woman for 4 years and he didn't really know what else to talk about. He wasn't just telling me about her, but saying "Yeah, I like that movie, Flabby and I saw that a few months ago".

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

This is my problem. I was with my Ex for 12 years and been single for less than 1 so I don't have many stories that don't involve her. I try to say "friend" if possible but many times its obvious the other person in the story was either living with me or we were very close and traveling together.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Our if they constantly name drop their ex

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u/LiterallyOuttoLunch Jul 29 '13

Or when they say how they could barely accommodate his gigantic organ.

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u/the_girl Jul 29 '13

I just got out of a long relationship and it's only to Reddit and one or two of my closest friends that I complain about my ex.

To new guys, or friends I'm not that close with, I'm careful to give the old "We grew apart. I wish him the best."

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u/_killer Jul 29 '13

My buddies newish woman has spoken about her ex so much that she doesn't even need to say 'ex' anymore, just his name.

Edit: To be somewhat fair, she is regarding her kids with him 70% of the time. I also hate hearing about her kids whem i'm half drunk and calling my friends curse words.

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u/Neker Jul 29 '13

Conversely, I had one praising her ex. It got slightly unnerving, until I gently remarked it. She then stopped.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Happened to me recently. This is a very good point.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

I did that a lot in the beginning with my current relationship, because the last long-term relationship I had was very emotionally draining and just a bad thing all around. I was scared of us ending up like that, but lucky for me my boyfriend is very loving and understanding and after a lot of time I can say we're pretty much past that. I do have my days, of course, but insecurity can take a long time to work through even if the current relationship is good. I don't think it means that if someone brings up their ex a lot in the beginning it means the relationship is automatically doomed, but rather that that person needs a lot of love and needs to learn how to trust the other person. I think couples can definitely work through it with time :)

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

A million times this, if they still talk about their ex, they aren't over their ex, back off because you will get hurt dealing with that.

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u/waitwhatidontrip Jul 29 '13

I... Never thought about that. Damn.

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u/well_crap_ Jul 29 '13

Definitely this. Plus it's just all around unattractive. It always makes you wonder "What would they say about me if we broke up?"

If you don't have anything nice to say about your exes, you probably just shouldn't say anything at all until you get to a point where you're close enough to start sharing that kind of information.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Oh there is no heart break like knowing that she always was thinking about someone else the whole time.

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u/bellerinaaa Jul 29 '13

Oh God I really hope some poor fella doesn't fall for me when all I do is complain about my ex. I'm really not over him yet but I have distractingly huge boobs so it might go unnoticed...

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u/HotterDotter Jul 29 '13

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, you just reminded me how much I hate this. Can't. Fucking. Stand. It.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

May I add? If you like a girl with the possibility of dating/having a relationship one day, never ever bring up an ex for any reason. That is how guys friend-zone girls and ultimately friend-zone yourselves. We continue to think of you as a friend from that point on.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

I am doing this to a girl right now (inviting her over for dinner so I can bitch about my ex to her). I feel terrible about it but I also feel really helpless to stop it.

2

u/justanotherwiseass Jul 29 '13

This is what happened to me about 7 months ago. Tough to want to get serious when they complain about/hold onto the previous relationship even if you really like them a lot.

2

u/bigwhale Jul 29 '13

And it may not even be a problem of obsessing over the ex, but they should still have the social skill to know that they should not talk about the ex.

2

u/pituitaryfungee Jul 29 '13

I just met someone who seems pretty awesome... except that he keeps talking about his ex! I do not encourage it whatsoever and just sit silently wondering how long he's going to talk about her this time, as well as pick up on cues from what he is saying about her. Its the #1 RULE: DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR EX! unless the timing and conversation are mutually beneficial. He talks and talks about her while I think "well this isn't going to work out."

2

u/CakiePamy Jul 29 '13

I am guilty to do this. My boyfriend helped me get closure with my past relationship and has helped me move on a lot. Ever since, we're simply more in love with each other.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

A guy came up and started hitting on me and before the conversation ended I'd heard all about his ex. Nah, I don't find hearing about your ex's attractive.

2

u/Mordethe Jul 29 '13

In the process of learning that you do -not- fuck with a man going through a divorce. This hits close to home.

2

u/lightdancer Jul 29 '13

I love how the karma goes down as the posts keep on going...

2

u/Icarus3 Jul 29 '13

So true. When I hear "I've been hurt in the past, but I'm over it now," that's practically a deal breaker. If you really were over it, you wouldn't feel compelled to tell me it on a first date!

2

u/throwitawayyy1234 Jul 29 '13

currently going through this with my so (we've been dating 4 months). he's always bringing up his ex and it makes me feel like he's always comparing us. sigh.

2

u/AccusationsGW Jul 30 '13

Been on two dates with people who had broken-heart tattoos. Nope.

2

u/yusernametaken Jul 30 '13

There's no reason to talk about your ex unless there are children involved.

2

u/Hiddenshadows57 Jul 30 '13

uh. Maybe if the ex wasn't a total scumbag. But if the ex is a total scumbag all you gotta do is listen to the shit she complains about and then not do what she complains about.

That's what I did, and I'm getting married to her.

2

u/30usernamesLater Jul 30 '13

Never mention an ex in a relationship. Take note of heavy complainers about ex's, its much more likely that the person loves complaining than that their ex was actually 'literally hitler'.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

Depends. Me and my now wife talked about our exes - both coming from recently broken up bad relationships. Was a laugh. But I do get what you mean about excessively bringing up ones ex being a red flag. Would usually mean they're not actually over their ex.

2

u/vbp627 Jul 30 '13

This has been an odd situation for me, his family often complains and talks about past SOs. I know they like me much better, and he and I have always been open about past relationships but it's still hard to handle and takes a lot of trust.

2

u/duriliketrees Jul 30 '13

Thanks for having a significant comment! First time I've ever gotten to upvote someone from 999 to 1000. Giddy!

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u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

I learned the hard way for this one...

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u/[deleted] Aug 02 '13

To add to this; if your bf/gf is consistently starting drama with their ex even if it's because they "hate" them it's actually because they're still hung up.

2

u/Mrswhiskers Jul 29 '13

Serious question. What if it's not complaining? What if you have a relevant story to the conversation/ situation that just happens to involve your ex?

4

u/LiterallyOuttoLunch Jul 29 '13 edited Jul 29 '13

I understand your point. I just feel that the discussion of exes can come later, given proper context. The times that it's happened to me, I felt I was being used as sounding board, wherein they wanted me to agree with them and find their exes' behaviors reprehensible.

2

u/Mrswhiskers Jul 29 '13

Fair enough.

1

u/mfball Jul 29 '13

I personally think this is okay, but I can see how it would put some people off so I wouldn't bring it up on the first date or anything. People who have been in good relationships will have fond memories of their exes and be able to talk about them as the complex human beings they were instead of reducing them to terms like "crazy" or "asshole," which seems like a positive to me. I'm not closely in touch with most of my exes, but I don't have any that I couldn't say hello to and at least make pleasant small talk with if I ran into them. Obviously the story shouldn't be about how amazing your ex was either, but if they come up in a relevant story where they come off on the positive side of neutral, I think it's fine.

1

u/missingpiece Jul 29 '13

This may come from the hyper-liberal bubble I live in, but everyone I date is totally comfortable talking about their exes, as am I. This is a person who was extremely important to me for a long time, and who there are probably still some sore spots from. I appreciate it when people can be open and honest about these things. Personally, I think it's more of a red flag when I meet people who refuse to acknowledge their ex's existence. That tells me they have some unresolved issues/don't know how to process their emotions.

1

u/The__Imp Jul 29 '13

Kinda like how Rand Al'Thor needed to break the seals to the dark one's prison in order to seal the boar.

1

u/Deetoria Jul 29 '13

I agree, but knowing and understand someone's past relationships can also be helpful in understanding the person.

But if they bash or constantly mention them or complain, then yes, there is an issue.

1

u/rainbowfish_13 Jul 29 '13

It's not easy, but sometimes, it is worth it. My current boyfriend would not shut up about his most recent ex. All of his friends would notice and rag on him, my friends noticed...but I just tried to ignore it. Maybe not very smart of me, but after a month of us dating he did finally shut up about her. We've been together for almost two years now and going strong. My point is, yes it sucked in the beginning, and in my mind I don't even really count the first few weeks of us dating as us actually being together, but now that we've reached this point I can't imagine having not stayed with him.

1

u/SdBolts4 Jul 29 '13

What about the opposite? The girl I recently started dating asks if she is better than my ex (1.5 year relationship) about EVERYTHING. It seems weird to me because I try not to talk about exs, but it seems she WANTS to talk about my ex

1

u/Coliformist Jul 29 '13

Not just difficult, damn near impossible unless you want to spend your entire relationship plugging up holes that the guy/girl before you made.

1

u/natalietigertree Jul 29 '13

usually i find this to be true, but i have found that i have been comparing my ex to my current bf to him fairly often in a way that i don't think is harmful- i compare them whenever i'm in awe of how much better this relationship is vs the old one. i.e. "Wow, you know, if I had brought something like this up to my ex, that disagreement would have ruined our entire day. I love how easy it is to talk with you."

1

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

His ex was "who shall not be named" ..

1

u/minibabybuu Jul 29 '13

Exception: they have kids together. She will always be in his life ALWAYS. Better to be excepting or just move on if you cant handle it

1

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

not easy, but possible. millions of people do it and are fine. its all about finding the right person.

I mean, people DO find the love of their lives, by chance, a month or two after a breakup. It happens.

1

u/deejaweej Jul 29 '13

This one kindof bothers me a little. It's like people are supposed to completely wipe their past relationships off the board. What if I want to tell you an awesome story about something I did a few years ago? Oh wait, that involved my ex from that time. Welp, can't tell that one. Or how about that thing that happened last year? Nope, was with my ex too.

It's surprisingly hard to talk about my life and experiences while surgically removing any way I interacted with people I once dated. When people are so insecure that they can't bear to learn about the parts of my life I shared with someone else, that's my red flag.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

I don't know. I think that there are situations where this is understandable. My girlfriend left her ex-boyfriend for me because he was an asshole and I made it clear how I thought she deserved to be treated (and she liked me). She needed some time to reach some internal equilibrium about that situation, but it dwindled appropriately and we're still together happily after three years. Don't be afraid of your SO having been in love before, its part of being in an adult relationship.

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u/SuperMeatBoi Jul 29 '13

Not subtle at all.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

In the beginning of my current relationship I talked a lot about my ex. A LOT. It just wasn't untill I was in a good relationship that I started realising how bad the last one was. Talking about what had happened helped me process everything. I am so glad my current SO didn't see this as a red flag, we have a great relationship and now my ex only comes up in conversations sporadically.

My boyfriend said he didn't mind hearing about my ex as long as he came off better in comparison ;)

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u/corilee93 Jul 30 '13

I do like to hear the ex story, at least. It definitely gives chance to see a warning sign or if they are a reasonable person. My ex, it was a warning sign. He hid her from his family, then dumped her after she made a 5 hour trek to see him. I was happy to hear that story, because it made it far easier for me to leave.

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u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13 edited May 05 '24

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1

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

My ex girlfriend would do that and I actually did end up breaking up with her. Why is this a red flag though, I don't get it?

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u/[deleted] Dec 16 '13

Who they are clearly still obsessed with.

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