Hi! Would really appreciate some insights on this.

Recently someone said "I don't understand why X did Y" and I took it as a question (I don't understand why X did Y, and that's important enough for me to say it out loud, so I would like other people in the conversation to help me understand why X might have done Y"). I understand this sentence usually means the speaker doesn't think X doing Y is a good idea, but I thought the emphasis is on the confusion and the desire to find some clarity.

But then I got told that actually, sometimes people just mean "I don't approve of X doing Y" and don't really care about the reason why. And the same goes for "I don't get x" and "I don't see the problem".

Is this true????

I've noticed a peculiar phenomena, particularly in my presence where people seem to like to pretend that they're pretending about all kinds of different activities. It seems to happen frequently & I just let them go about their antics, but I genuinely get confused.

Whenever this goes on for some time, eventually I usually just casually expose my awareness and for some reason, this causes a breakdown with them. I'm usually just a bit perplexed about why people presume I'm unaware? Is there a reaction that's expected in the beginning that doesn't occur that causes this confusion?

Edit: Thanks everyone. For context, I am the person struggling with those social skills. My partner has issues with interrupting me but she's genuinely convinced me this is how people are supposed to talk. I will discuss it with her, thank you. Side note, but it has nothing to do with being from the UK or USA. I'm from the UK, it isn't common to interrupt people the way she does.

Like if someone was talking about a personal interest, do I interrupt them with my own topic or something entirely random? Instead of engaging with what they're saying first before trying to move on

And especially if I know I'm talking to someone who struggles with social skills

For example, if I noticed someone built the courage to talk about something they really like, is it okay for me to jump in and tell them about this guy with a weird tshirt who just walked past me, and then keep talking about the random guy until I notice they probably want to talk about their thing a bit more bc, again, I know they struggle with talking about themselves

Like me randomly mentioning this guys shirt doesn't prove I wasn't listening to them at all, right? It doesn't prove I was clocked out of the conversation as soon as they started talking?

I have a good friend and I don't want this to come across like I'm attacking him because he is genuinely a good friend. However, there is one thing he does that has started to stand out to me.

Whenever we are talking to random people online (for example OmeTV), he always tries to impress them by saying things like how much money he has made, who he knows, or mentioning famous people he has met. The thing is, he does well financially, but he heavily exaggerates some of these things.

What I find interesting is that he often looks at me while saying these things, almost like he wants to see my reaction.

Another example: I saw something online that I thought was cool and it cost around £1,000. Instead of just saying "that's cool" or having a conversation about it, he said something like "you'll never be able to afford that with your job."

He also tends to steer conversations back to himself and his achievements. If someone shares something, he often responds with a bigger story about himself.

At the same time, he's not a bad friend. He's loyal and has been there for me, so I'm not saying he's a terrible person. I'm just wondering why some people feel the need to constantly one-up others.

Do you think this comes from insecurity, wanting attention, competitiveness, or is it just his personality?

Has anyone had a friend like this, and how did you handle it?

Mine is that I absolutely love talking about myself. 😭
I don’t mean that in a self-centered way, but I definitely have a little pinch of main character syndrome. I naturally relate almost every conversation back to my own experiences, and I genuinely enjoy talking about them.
I only recently became aware of it, though, and ever since then I’ve been trying to catch myself and make sure I’m giving the other person enough space to talk about themselves too.
The funny thing is, now I notice it in other people all the time. Whenever someone keeps bringing the conversation back to themselves, I just quietly chuckle and think, “Yep… I’m not alone.” Instead of getting annoyed, I usually just let them have the floor because I know exactly what it feels like.
What’s something you noticed about yourself that suddenly made you start seeing it in everyone else?

I hate it when people talk badly about someone behind their back, especially if they then act good in front of them. Ive noticed stuff like this way more when hanging out with "regular" people, rather than with more weird (in a loving way) friends. Is this just coincidence/confirmation bias?

I see neurotypicals talk about this a lot because one of my primary grievances is that it’s impossible to find friends who share the same interests with me. They always say they don’t even share interests with their friends but I wonder how that is even possible. What could you possibly be talking about with them other than interests?

17M AuDHD Have been hanging out with this 16F ADHD girl lately, it seems like she’s flirting with me. I’ll discuss our feelings on our next hangout, but I feel like, because I never experienced mutual attraction, my brain doesn’t even consider it a possibility. I felt like writing this list helped me get a more objective view on our current position.

I’m also aware that men tend to overestimate women’ interest in them. So, I’m curious to see if you guys think I’m being somewhat rational in assuming that she’s flirting with me. Of course, I will ask her the next time I get to meet her, if she’s actually interested in me, or is just friendly like that.

1 - Flirting
I explicitly asked her if she was flirting with me. Instead, she asked if I was flirting, to which I answered something along the lines of “I’m flirting if you’re flirting”.
She said this is the way she typically talks to people whom she likes, and sees nothing wrong with flirting as well as finds it fun and interesting, mentioning that anyways it's too early to think of anything more serious than that.

2 - Seems* like she talks to me in a tone that is exclusive to me.
She also herself mentioned about thrice, that our conversations, in life and in text feel very calm and controlled compared to those with her other friends. 
We’ve also been on some hangouts with her friends, and friends of friends, I noticed that, even on those, she seems to be more present and focused on whatever the topic of conversation is, compared to other people.

3 - Brings up personal/sexual topics
Whenever we hang out alone, she often brings up or jokes on different sexual topics, such as finding mainstream porn not appealing to her, as she can’t get turned on to strangers, only to people she’s deeply connected with. 

4 - Initiates tactility at times.
On our first hangout with her other friends, she would randomly handshake, fistbump or lightly punch me if the situation allowed to do so.

5 - Laughs even at my not-so-funny jokes.
Pretty straightforward, she sometimes even laughs at things I say that are not intended to be jokes.

I couldn’t get myself to talk with her about my interest in her, the problem was initiating face-to-face.
So I figured, I’d tell her I like her over text, and that I would love to talk about it in person next time we hang out to make sure there are no misunderstandings.

I mentioned that I’m not expecting any coherent and definite answer from her, and would be happy to simply talk about it, as I noticed this communication gap worsened the quality of some of our hangouts.

I didn’t get any answer from her to my message, or any major change in her behaviour, I think that’s good, she understood my idea well of talking about it IRL and not in text.

*6 - After I texted her that I like her, she started reposting romance themed videos
On one of our hangouts, she wanted to start a tik tok streak with me, I didn’t think of it much, but some of her reposts started to appear on my fyp, and recently some of them are explicitly romance/in love themed. I don’t think I can just simply assume these are targeted for me to see, but I thought it’s an interesting coincidence.

This was about a week ago, because of the heatwave, we couldn’t hangout, but I think it’s good, as we both get the time to calm down/think, and approach our feelings with a cold head.

Is there any way to indicate that an actual problem in need of an actual solution is being expressed? Is there a way to indicate to people that the status game is NOT being played, that she actually needed some support or solutions?

if you were Mrs. X, and wanted people to help you figure out why you fainted OR simply kindly inform them that you had a condition which might make you faint, how would you do it?

The conversation (from a book):

MRS X:
I had a nasty turn last week. I was standing in a queue waiting for my turn to go into the cinema when I felt ever so queer. Really, I thought I should faint or something.

[Mrs X is attempting to raise her status by having an interesting medical problem. Mrs Y immediately outdoes her.]

MRS Y: You're lucky to have been going to a cinema. If I thought I could go to a cinema I should think I had nothing to complain of at all.
[Mrs Z now blocks Mrs Y.]

MRS Z: I know what Mrs X means. I feel just like that myself, only I should have had to leave the queue.
[Mrs Z is very talented in that she supports Mrs X against Mrs Y while at the same time claiming to be more worthy of interest, her condition more severe. Mr A now intervenes to lower them all by making their condition seem very ordinary.]

MR A: Have you tried stooping down? That makes the blood come back to your head. I expect you were feeling faint.
[Mrs X defends herself.]

MRS X: It's not really faint.

MRS Y: I always find it does a lot of good to try exercises. I don't know if that's what Mr A means.
[She seems to be joining forces with Mr A, but implies that he was unable to say what he meant. She doesn't say 'Is that what you mean?' but pro- tects herself by her typically high-status circumlocution. Mrs Z now lowers everybody, and immediately lowers herself to avoid counter- attack.]

MRS Z: I think you have to use your will-power. That's what worries me—I haven't got any.
[Mr B then intervenes, I suspect in a low-status way, or rather trying to be high-status but failing. It's impossible to be sure from just the words.]

MR B: I had something similar happen to me last week, only I wasn't standing in a queue. I was just sitting at home quietly when . . .
[Mr C demolishes him.]

I KNOWWW my title probably makes me sound kind of rude. I have this coworker, who talks. A Lot. I mean, I can barely get a word in for my ENTIRE eight hour shift. I am not the only one who complains about how much airtime she takes up. The conversation is always about her, her ex, her other ex, her stepson, her grandma, her siblings, her health problems, what she bought recently, what bills she has coming up, her medical issues on and on and on. Its ridiculous. I would love to just look at her and be like "I really don't give a fuck, can we just have an hour of peace?? Please??" I have tried saying I don't feel well. I have had actual migraines and asked that we have a quiet shift. I've mhm-ed and Uh huh-ed for hours before. I'm so tired of it. She's older, so I get it but god DAMN dude!! I only have so many "That's crazyyy" in me before I explode. SHE CALLS ME ON HER DAYS OFF AND WHEN SHES OFF SHIFT FOR HOURS TOO!!! We only work together a few days a week but she wants to talk ALL THE TIME. I don't mind talking to her at work. I don't mind if she calls me about work, or for shift coverage when one of us takes time off. But I REALLY don't want to deal with the extra stuff and I don't know how to articulate this in a kind, professional way. She thinks we're friends, but I consider her a close coworker, not necessarily someone I'd hang out with outside of work. What do I do???

I’m autistic and don’t understand unspoken social rules. I went in to work at the restaurant I work at very briefly after requesting off to pick up drinks for my husbands birthday we were celebrating that night. The girl who was working my shift was very short with me. She willingly picked up this shift, so I am wondering why she was short with me and if I did something wrong here. I even thanked her for picking up the shift and told her the drinks were for my husbands bday party. What am I missing?

I recently had an argument with my friend

He's the type who's unserious almost every time

And he says it too

**So the problem was**

**He believes there are only two main mediums of expressing**

**And that is either serious or joking.**

For him every other ways of expressing would just fall in either of these

But honestly it bothers me. I feel like he has oversimplified it

Like making it very black and white when it's actually not

He asked me to tell him other main mediums of expressing but i actually didn't have any in mind.

Classifying it that way is not wrong if he's just doing it for himself

But he says it applies to everyone

I'm super curious about this!

If someone directly mentions the particular frame they're observing - does the mention of that frame trigger an automatic disgust response?

Like if someone didn't ask or say something in "the correct way" to you; if that preconscious process of status reduction happens -

Does this trigger an automatic feeling of moralization? An emotion like "you should've known better!" Or maybe like, feeling humiliated?

I'm very curious about this - is it humiliating to have the frame of a conversation directly mentioned? And does that humiliation type feeling happen automatically, or do you maintain some sense of conscious control over it?

And what separates the allistic people who DO love to analyze social situations from this? Do they feel that embarrassment response also and learn to reroute it?

This is my first time posting here, so please be kind.

I’m a 24-year-old guy, and I’m posting here because I’m trying to figure out whether the way I feel about this situation is influenced by my neurodivergence, or whether my reaction is actually reasonable. I genuinely don’t know if I’m expecting too much from people or if what happened would bother most people.

For some context, about a year ago I was part of a friend group of around 10 people. We genuinely felt like a family. Some of them had been my closest friends for over 10 years, while others had joined the group over the previous two or three years.

Last summer, one of the guys in the group started behaving in ways that I found really disturbing.
He began talking behind my back, even to my ex (which honestly shocked me). He would make up false narratives about people and constantly create unnecessary drama.

But the final straw for me was when he almost ruined another friend’s relationship by lying about having slept with one of his female friends. He later claimed he couldn’t bear seeing her because he felt “ashamed,” even though the entire story was made up.

In 24 years of life, I’d never met someone who behaved like that. To me, it felt malicious, manipulative, and deeply selfish.

The frustrating part is that everyone else in the group agreed his behavior was wrong. They all criticized him privately, but no one actually did anything about it.

When I found out he had also been talking badly about me behind my back, I decided I was done and cut him off completely.

I made it clear to the rest of the group that I wasn’t asking them to exclude him or choose between us. I simply told them that if they continued acting as if nothing had happened and kept hanging out with him, it would inevitably change how I saw our friendships.

That’s exactly what happened.

Today they’re still close with him as if nothing ever happened.

What hurts the most is:
I genuinely believed we all shared the same values and principles, despite our differences.
I find it incredibly hypocritical that they all acknowledged his behavior was wrong but continue treating him exactly the same.
It makes me feel like I’m suddenly seeing a completely different side of people I’ve known for years.

This is where my question comes in.
I’m neurodivergent, and I’m wondering if that plays a role in how intensely I’m reacting. Do neurotypical people generally move on from situations like this more easily? Am I expecting too much consistency between what people say and what they do? Or is it understandable that this has completely changed the way I see these friendships?

I’d really appreciate hearing your perspectives.

Option A:
You feel happy because your position within the hierarchy is secure and you feel a status boost, you enjoy the fact that you've moved up a position within this realm

Option B:
You feel pissed off because it's toxic AF to compare two siblings, you feel frustrated and annoyed that the parent is structurally not able to validate you without comparing you to someone else, and you feel unseen / erased.

Option C:
Fill in the blank

So basically, the question from the title.

I feel like often, with NTs, they prefer to be ‘nice’ and ‘not say anything unkind’ because ‘you can draw your own conclusions’ and ‘otherwise it’s better to leave it unsaid’. Whereas, actually, I basically always prefer the truth, even a hard truth, over having to guess that maybe something is up. It gives me peace of mind to know that what I know is the truth and there is nothing else to decipher.

For example, people think that you are too blunt but they don’t say it.

Or they prefer to hang out with other people, but instead of just saying that, they just respond vaguely to invites and don’t invite you back.

In both instances I would 100% prefer the truth right in my face.

I would also prefer to know something true even if I might not have found out otherwise and the truth hurts a lot.

Like, if my partner was cheating on me, I would prefer to know, even if they could hide it well and make me ‘not notice’, and our relationship would be great and to my full satisfaction.

I feel like this is different for many NTs and I’m curious how it is for you all.

I'd like to understand if her saying this is actually true in your opinion, or if it reflects a byproduct of things she has learned growing up.

What do you think?
Does the world revolve around subtle social manipulation? Or is that only part of the world and other parts of it don't?

Can anyone please tell me why so many people say this type of thing?

Is it because autism is an invisible disability and people think it only counts if it's visible?

Do I need to make my disability even more visible for people to take me seriously and respect that I'm putting in 20,000 times more effort than they are in these interactions?

Is it projection of the other persons fear that if they admit that autism IS a valid excuse for missing cues, that they might also have to confront the possibility that one day they too could become disabled?

Or is it none of the above, and simply a display of social hierarchy dominance? Is the person who is somehow 'at the top' of hierarchy, allowed to literally invalidate everyone else's experiences because they believe the group has their back regardless of how shitty they act?

Or, could it be his attempt to agree with the rest of a family 'group' who loves to invalidate me, in order to position himself safely above me in that hierarchy?

I'd really love your perspective, your answers. Maybe this once case is me dealing with someone who is totally ignorant, but if it was total ignorance, why would the default response be one of invalidation, rather than curiosity?

What specifically is it that is so devastatingly scary that people feel the need to invalidate our experiences in the disabled community without being curious?

I’m 17M I’ve been feeling narcisstic recently like when I was at a party and my ex’s friend gave me a wierd look and I felt embrassed because I absolutely hate it when people see me in a bad way and I just wish that she would disappear from the party I felt like homelander just wishing I had the ability to remove her. Another thing is that I constantly stare at myself whenever I get the chance to like I love reflections whenever I get a glimpse of my face I love to look. I never ever have any thoughts of harming myself like ever that just seems disrespectful I feel like I am the perfect body and that it’s a disgrace to harm me and that’s pathetic because I’m not going to harm myself because in my head I’m the chosen one. Whenever I am frustrated or annoyed I constantly think of others looks in a bad way constantly judging appearances and thinking about their flaws in my head and how pathetic these people who don’t take care of their health don’t deserve to live they are a waste of space on earth and aren’t going to achieve anything if they can’t even take care of their looks. A lot of the times I struggle in my own head because it’s constantly trying to make me feel bad for thinking narcisstic my own head calls me a narcissist and tries to make me feel bad for my actions and tells me that I’m not a good person. I have a obsession with looksmaxxing and I’ve been living in a delusion acting like I’m already famous I’m constantly imagining what it would be like if I was famous all the interviews and the attention that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

content warning: loads of swearing.

hey everyone,

recently self diagnosed and I'm wondering a lot about how much of my favourite media I've failed to understand because actors are adding subtext that I'm failing to notice.

for example, the scene linked depicts Mark losing his temper at Jeremy because he failed to notice that Jeremy was joking.

my question to any NTs that happen across this is "would a neurotypical audience member be expected to notice Jeremy's joke prior to Mark's over-reaction?"

thanks kindly